Recent ex.. inconsiderate again.

manonboard · 09-01-2021 1:14am #1

I dont think I need advice, and just need to express this as it bugging me alot recently.

Dated a girl for 1.5 years. Moved country to be with her. Went well for almost all of it. Last 3 months of it. She was inconsiderate, demanding, selfish n a total tosser. She turned to drugs to avoid her anexities.
She had alot going on n some big things to deal with.
We broke up. She got herself fixed up n we kept a pretty decent friendship going. I wanted to be there to support her during her recovery. I was. It helped alot. Very proud of her. Shes been doing excellent for 6 months n standing on her own feet.

She sent a drunken voice message..12 seconds long.. telling me she'd just been on a date n had a great time.

It brought up alot. I was most fine with the dating part. Its been 6 months like. I assumed it was happening or likely.

What really bothers me is it was such an inconsiderate delivery to me. I warned her several times id be sensitive to that stuff. I requested she only tell me when its something serious I need to know about. A drunken message when she just got back from it?
I just feel like she trivialised my feelings as a coping mechanism to avoid her anexity of telling me.
I understand it was probably scary to tell me after our relationship. It just brought up so much hard done by feelings ive had to hold to myself because of things went to **** when we were ending.

Im glad she's dating. Just wish it had been delivered to me better.

Thanks for giving me a place to post n express.

skinny90 · 09-01-2021 1:20am

manonboard wrote: »

<Snip>

Do yourself a massive favour. Delete that voice message and delete her number.
If you can mute her socials or block if needed then do that too.

Consider yourself lucky to have broken up with an inconsiderate <Snip> you have described.

Deeper Blue · 09-01-2021 1:22am

You sound like a good person. Do yourself a huge favour - cut all contact this minute and get on with your life.

RurtBeynolds · 09-01-2021 1:24am

You can't be her friend when you feel like this. It's nice of you to support her during the bad times. But think of yourself now and step away completely, otherwise your head will be wrecked.

completedit · 09-01-2021 1:56am

Time to visit new caledonis

MadMardegan · 09-01-2021 5:24am

I'm a serial lurker around these parts, apart from one or two of my own threads, but your post really hit me and I felt I had to reply. I've had similar experiences in the past, and it really does hit you like a tonne of bricks.

You sound like a very decent fella, and she's completely taking advantage of that. You need to block her and get her out of your life, you can't let her treat you like that. I wouldn't even explain to her why I'm not interested in having her in my life anymore, I'd just be done. She doesn't deserve an explanation, and she probably won't even want one... but she'll definitely miss the safety net that you provided, and knowing that she had some level of control over you.
No need to malicious about it either. It's not about being hurtful or mean towards her... she obviously only cares about herself, so you need to look out for yourself firstly. My favourite piece of advice I ever saw on this forum was; "The best revenge is a life well lived". Forget her and find someone who deserves you!

ILoveYourVibes · 09-01-2021 6:56am

Please cut off all contact with this person.

You can't be friends to someone who doesn't take care of themselves.

Its her responsibility to be sober for herself.

I feel sorry for her and you. But honestly it feels like she has ..really low vibrations.

I think you actually need to be MORE sensitive to your own needs.

Sensitize yourself more to this kind of treatment and that kind of person. So you can avoid them. Become aware of the predictable patterns.

I am not saying judge her. But sensitize yourself to this kind of behavior. Become more aware of it . But aware of it from an angle of looking after yourself.

It sounds like me you hyper sensitized yourself to her immediate needs. You were aware of what she needed. But you became unaware of your needs and best interests. Become more aware of these and sensitive to them.

You have to developed a balanced awareness and sensitivity to the other person's needs in a relationship.

Being overly aware or sensitive to someone's immediate needs over your own or over what is good long term for them..is called enabling. That kind of sensitivity is LEARNED. And it has to be unlearned.

That way the next person who is even SLIGHTLY like this will totally put you off.

Become more sensitive to behavior like this ...let yourself get more upset and put off by it.

I hope this makes SOME sense. Sorry i couldn't express it better.

Kidchameleon · 09-01-2021 10:21am

I'm going to be honest here OP & this will sound harsh, but you acted like a bit of a doormat. You moved country for her and she treated you like crap yet you still hung around to support her. The minute the relationship ended, you should have let her be, she's a grown adult. There's no need to be "proud of her", she is not your friend. Cut all contact and have some self respect.

Big Bag of Chips · 09-01-2021 10:48am

manonboard wrote: »

Last 3 months of it. She was inconsiderate, demanding, selfish n a total tosser.

What went before is largely irrelevant. Your relationship with her changed. Her feelings for you changed. She was no longer your loving partner. She was someone who saw you as an annoyance. She became all of the above because she no longer cared enough about you.

She no longer cares enough about you.

When couples break up the one piece of advice that is tried and tested is "No contact". That means no contact. You don't contact her. You don't allow her the opportunity to contact you. You knew that when she started seeing someone it was going to hurt. She has now started seeing someone, and it hurts.

It would still hurt if you weren't in contact with her and heard through the grapevine. But the fact that she has access to you and was able to rub salt in your wounds by deliberately contacting you to tell you should tell you all you need to know about her.

You may have had good times in the past. You may have had a good, mutually loving and respectful relationship for a time, but that time and that person no longer exists. She only wants you close for her own benefit. For her own needs (attention). The best advice you can take now is no contact. Cut her off. She may up her game when she realises her little cheerleader has had enough, but don't let her back. You are no longer a couple, and you're not friends either.

pgj2015 · 09-01-2021 11:30am

I cut contact with an ex after we tried to be friends for a while after the break up, huge mistake, we were always fighting even as friends. She rang me a year and a half later about something, told me she was engaged, said it with such glee. I didnt care less to be honest, it was like a stranger telling me. This is because I hadnt talked to her in so long and had moved on. If we had stayed friends, and I found out she was dating it would have been hard to take most likely. she wanted to be friends again but I told her it was a bad idea, that was 5 years ago, havent talked to her since.

Jequ0n · 09-01-2021 6:21pm

It might have been inconsiderate had she called you/ sent that message when sober but you said she was drunk. Given her addiction and recent rehab situation this alone should ring some alarm bells and tell you that she might be continuously back in contact whenever she is locked again. And why wouldn’t she, you offered to be a crutch.

Time to decide if you want this sort of friendship and what you will get out of it, it’s likely to be one sided with you being the eternal helper.

Sonic the Shaghog · 09-01-2021 11:15pm

Sounds to me like shes still into you and wanted to make jealous.

Doesn't matter tho, either way you should be cutting her off.

the14thwarrior · 10-01-2021 12:10am

you've done your best to help her
move along now
telling someone you would be sensitive if they told you details of how they are moving on is like handing someone a knife and saying...... through the heart...... to the left.... to the right......

and from experience, it will never end
it didn't from me. 20 years later and i'm still getting phone calls..... if its not begging me, its telling me.....

move along now

cloudatlas · 10-01-2021 2:15am

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

When couples break up the one piece of advice that is tried and tested is "No contact". That means no contact. You don't contact her. You don't allow her the opportunity to contact you.

No there isn't... plenty of people remain friendly with their ex's after a break up, it really depends. Actually if someone is still on good terms with their ex it's generally a good sign that they are a decent person and they can end things healthily without any bad blood.

She was drunk, she made a mistake. o.p should tell her that they felt it was inconsiderate. If it happens again then cut contact but one mistake, come on.

cloudatlas · 10-01-2021 2:20am

Kidchameleon wrote: »

I'm going to be honest here OP & this will sound harsh, but you acted like a bit of a doormat. You moved country for her and she treated you like crap yet you still hung around to support her. The minute the relationship ended, you should have let her be, she's a grown adult. There's no need to be "proud of her", she is not your friend. Cut all contact and have some self respect.

That's uncalled for, we have no idea what the relationship was like and it sounded like it was good for the most part and then addiction and other issues took over. The O.P sounds like a nice guy who has self respect already and has respect for others already. Being kind does not equate to being a doormat. Being proud of someone who overcomes addiction is a normal thing to feel. Being unfeeling and telling someone to toughen up takes less courage than the way the O.P has conducted himself.

leggo · 10-01-2021 2:22am

She doesn’t sound like someone on the other side of a recovery tbh. And OP, to be fair you sound like you’re being a bit of a fixer. I’d say you mean well but between ‘being there for her’ after she lost interest and started treating you badly, diagnosing her and explaining away poor treatment as psychological problems. It sounds like you’re not dealing with the fact that this girl just isn’t into you that much and are clinging a bit, hoping you can patch her up until she sees sense, using issues of hers as excuses you’re telling yourself so you don’t have to accept it’s done. That’s probably why this hit you so hard: it’s a combination of “oh yeah she’s moving on” with “she doesn’t care about me or even see me in that light anymore.”

I’m not saying you’re the one to blame or anything here, you’re just the only person we can advise in this situation. But listen to the people here telling you to cut contact. It’s only going to get worse. It sounds like she’s doing everything possible to push you away without outright saying it, because she’d probably feel bad doing so since you haven’t done anything ‘wrong’.

Whatever the case, I don’t see any benefit for you now in not letting go of this person and fully grieving that the relationship is over. You can’t do the latter while you’re still trying to maintain some kind of relationship with them. You’re starting to get hurt badly now, that won’t get better, only worse.

Idle Passerby · 10-01-2021 7:23am

You think she told you about her date in a drunken message to avoid the anxiety of telling you sober? Why would she have to tell you at all? It seems a weird co-dependent break up when your left looking after a person your no longer with and acting as their confidant against your will. You were only together 1.5 years, you should be moving on with your life, not worrying about and being used by an erratic ex.

PalLimerick · 10-01-2021 7:33am

No molly coddling here just honest advice.

The last 3 months she showed you who she really was. You don't need to be proud of her and shouldn't be. It sounds like she used you as a door mat and you allowed her to.

She is an adult and is responsible for herself. She clearly doesn't want or need you and I'd question if she ever did. That drunken message is what she really feels and thinks of you.

Block her on all apps, networks and delete her and block her number. Good luck with moving on, I wish you well.

completedit · 10-01-2021 11:51am

Also, you allowed her the opportunity to make that call. I believe in people being good and not just flinging people aside when the romance fades but why do you get to decide that she can tell you about a serious relationship but not a casual date? She's not with you so both are irrelevant and none of your business. It sounds like a need for control and you projecting your own values onto her. "I want you to be with someone who makes you happy" but it can't be a short term fling or sexual. I get where you're coming from; we all project on the people we love and I've found that sometimes this projection meshes with reality and forms something beautiful but you have to realise that she's a grown women. Be proud of her but do it from afar. It's not for you to be that person anymore and doing so is unfair to her and more important, yourself.

bertiebomber · 10-01-2021 1:08pm

Block her she is bad for you and your self esteem & she is the reason why all women get bad press for mis treating men. You sound a decent man look elsewhere let go the feelings as they are not being returned never were by the looks of things.

Big Bag of Chips · 10-01-2021 2:05pm

bertiebomber, yellow card for generalisation. You have been given numerous reminders of the standard of posting expected.

Tork · 10-01-2021 3:24pm

You moved country to be with her. What's keeping you there now? (aside from a global pandemic)

manonboard · 10-01-2021 9:23pm

Hello all! Op Here.

wow, that's alot more responses that i was ever expecting. So many differences of opinion too.
Firstly, let me say thank you to all of you for giving your thoughts and advice to me. It wasn't a good night when i was expressing my post, but it was a nice relief to say it to the world.

To those that suggest i should immediately cut all contact, I find that quite an extreme position. Though, of course, i only spoke of the difficulties we had and the difficulty we have now, so i can see where you are coming from. In the 6 months we've been just friends, there were 2 unpleasant times between us, this one and the one a month after we broke up. All the other time has been nice and friendly, useful and normal friendship type stuff. Cinema, eating out, a bit of gaming, etc. I did a bit of thinking after reading your opinions, and decided that in our relationship i was too soft with some boundary management. I think it was out of fear of recognizing we would not be compatible. So i think i allowed a cultivation of poor behavior to fester in some areas. As you all know, people do step on your needs if you are not there to reassert them from time to time. Thanks for the thoughts that helped me digest that area for myself. I'll (once again) try harder to filter people better and to be more upfront and assertive of my boundaries so people learn how to treat me better in future.

To those that recognized my friendship with this person, which is not perfect, is rewarding to me. Thank you. I know alot of people find it odd to be friends with exes but i generally dont find much difficulty with it at my age. I have several good friendships with my exes and sometimes there are difficult times during that formation of it. Usually nothing too big, but sensitive none the less.
I've really enjoyed the last 6 months of it. The cinema, the meals out, the bull****ting about corona and politics in the US, and the mutual support. It's been fun. Albeit somewhat sensitive near the start when she was in the initial stages of recovery. I'm very proud of her recovery. She went to rehab, got out, and hasn't touched any drugs other than alcohol for 6 months. Her alcohol usage is very low by regular standards so i have no worries there at all. She hardly touches the stuff. Anyways, that's not really any of my business anymore. Some of you gave quite well measured advice, making sure that i see that a mistake happened but its always important to watch out for patterns and cut contact if needed. Thanks for the guidance.

A few other answers to some questions or assumptions people had:
Someone thought i might be still hoping to get this person back romantically. No i'm not interested in that. She's a fun attractive person, but some things wouldnt be up to a standard i prefer in some areas so i just dont want to have that as any close part of my life. I prefer some qualities in a partner she doesnt have in the right ways for me. I'd be happier with myself or with another i'm quite sure.

To Tork. Well i always had an interest in the country (finland) and i decided i'd give it 3-5 years if i enjoyed the first. I enjoyed the first alot, so im staying for 5 years at least i say. I've a great job and company i love working for over here. Good friends and active hobbies (rock climbing community). It's a wonderful society in many ways. Teaches me alot about perspectives i wouldnt of gained back home. Different cultures etc. I love their consistent honesty over here, and the lack of 'shame' in pretty much everything. They're quite self responsible which i like alot in people, very motivated to improve themselves without being egotistical about it. lol, the hardest part here is just trying to be as direct as they are. They are BRUTALLY honest about things. They hate saying it, but to not be truthful would be more disrespecting to the person by their own cultural values. It's a lovely place to live.
Freezing my arse off though.

So thank you all for your thoughts and giving me a place to talk and read about this. It helped me. I'm a little distant from my friends at the moment due to corona so it was nice to get this.
I know socially i was a little dependent on her when our relationship formed and perhaps a little too weak on some boundaries due to that. I built up a friendship network pretty well, but you know how it is, bad behavior is harder to undo than to prevent in the first place. A lesson for myself.

I told her how i feel etc about the situation. She understands where i'm coming from. She said she tried to make it super casual to make it an easy topic for us. I pointed out that while good meaning, it actually trivializes my feelings as a requirement for that to work.
That regardless of her intent, sending a half drunken voice message after getting back from her date to tell me about it wasn't appropriate. We could of easily discussed it the next time we hung out, when we were sober (and when she could be more empathetic), or she didn't need to tell me at all. It's got nothing to do with me, and i explained to her a couple of times before the only thing she needs to tell me is when she's involved with someone in a serious way. That the minor dates/****s don't add any value to me, so i dont need to be informed of them. There is good ways and bad ways of given each other sensitive information. I think this was a bad way. Which she knows now.

Once again. Thanks for your time and help on this issue. It was much appreciated boards!
All the best to all of you!

leggo · 10-01-2021 9:46pm

OP you're rationalising.

Cutting contact isn't 'extreme'. It's how you get over someone. Your relationship is over, yet you still go to the cinema, talk regularly, play games etc. That doesn't sound like a relationship that's over. It sounds like one person who still wants all the benefits of a relationship and one who doesn't want to let go,...and, well, you're the one writing essays about her asking why it upset you when she told you she had fun going on a date with another guy.

We don't cut contact because we're trying to hurt or punish the other person. Even the fact that you perceive it like that, as an 'extreme' measure, suggests the mindset of someone whose motivations are based around provoking a reaction. We cut contact because when a relationship ends we need to let go, feel the void and grieve the other person to healthily move on with our lives. Then, once we've done that, we can ask the question of starting some kind of a friendship. But none of that can happen while they're still a daily part of your life and that's never really changed since you split. How can you grieve someone you just went to the cinema with?

Your ex did nothing wrong by dating another guy, she's single now.

She did nothing wrong by telling you she had a good time on a date, If you were friends and nothing more as you say...that's a perfectly normal thing for a friend to do. I tell my friends about my dates all the time, we all do.

Yet you're upset about it.

Listen to the messages your emotions are screaming at you here.

YellowLead · 10-01-2021 10:07pm

I don’t understand why you would have an issue with her leaving a drunken message after her date. That’s what friends do. If you can’t handle that then you are not ready/in the right headspace to be friends and are better off keeping a distance. Doesn’t have to be cutting all contact necessarily, but minimising it a great deal.

Big Bag of Chips · 10-01-2021 10:15pm

I pointed out that while good meaning, it actually trivializes my feelings as a requirement for that to work.

If you are merely friends then your feelings about how she tells you she's been on a date shouldn't be a consideration. If my friend came home a bit tipsy from a date and left me a drunk voicemail telling me about it, it would have absolutely no effect on my feelings whatsoever. Why would it if they were just my friend? Surely as their friend I'd somply be happy for them.

But she's not just your friend. She is your ex. And you still clearly have feelings for her. Hanging around with her and doing coupley things with her is holding you back from meeting someone else who might be interested in being in a relationship with you. You can be certain once she meets someone she clicks with, cinema dates and dinner with you will be dropped in favour of doing those things with her new boyfriend.

I don't think you are really interested in anybody telling you that you are going about this the wrong way. But, you are going about this the wrong way!!

She enjoys your company. But when someone more interesting to her comes along to catch her attention you will be dropped. Being friends with exes is of course possible. But only after feelings have subsided. Your feelings are still very much involved here and that is why you are undoubtedly going to end up being hurt by her.

But you won't see that until it happens, a few more times.

TheadoreT · 10-01-2021 10:59pm

Imagine telling a friend they're being inappropriate for being excited to tell you about a date they had. It's so odd. You're the only inappropriate one in that scenario.

Whether you're trying to fool us or yourself you need to drop this pretense that friendship is all you want and you're emotionally able for it, it's not and you aren't.

Gerianam · 11-01-2021 1:54am

Dear OP,
You are still very much invested in this person and you know it. Your reactions are inappropriate are not those of a friend. You feel betrayed because she told you about her date. You need to let her get on with her life and you need to move on.

Big Bag of Chips · 11-01-2021 4:09pm

That regardless of her intent, sending a half drunken voice message after getting back from her date to tell me about it wasn't appropriate. We could of easily discussed it the next time we hung out, when we were sober (and when she could be more empathetic), or she didn't need to tell me at all. It's got nothing to do with me, and i explained to her a couple of times before the only thing she needs to tell me is when she's involved with someone in a serious way. That the minor dates/****s don't add any value to me, so i dont need to be informed of them

Read this a couple of times. And then consider if this is something you would say to any of your other friends.

If you only see her as a friend and don't have any residual romantic feelings for her then you are being completely unfair to her. She hasn't done anything wrong. If you can't handle a friendship with her then stop torturing yourself. She shouldn't have to empathetic towards her friend when telling them she went on a date.

Recent ex.. inconsiderate again.

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