I dont know how relationships work

LegacyUser · 13-11-2017 7:33pm #1

Hey everyone

I am 38 year old gay male and I have never had a relationship. It's long and complicated and I dont want to get into all the reasons why.

I am from Dublin and was recently chatting to a 23 year old guy on Tinder from Belfast. We got on fairly well. Chatted a bit. Shared some sexual fantasies and pics and vids. He seemed to really be into me and I was planning on going upto Belfast to meet him then he said he couldnt. A month later I invited him down here. We were talking and he was quite interested in getting to know me more. He didnt come down but then went offline for about 2 weeks. Then today he came back on and apologised he hadnt been in touch as there has been a lot happening in his life.

I said its ok and to give me a shout if he wants to talk.

I really like him. He seems funny, friendly, very hot.

I dont want to seem over needy or stalkerish though.

Any thoughts?

igCorcaigh · 13-11-2017 7:50pm

You already seem to be relating well online, just carry that on to offline life... Be relaxed about it, maybe you are over thinking things a bit?

Ten of Swords · 13-11-2017 10:35pm

To me it sounds like he very much enjoys the attention you're giving him but has little intention of meeting you.

You were going to go up to meet him but he couldn't, why?
Rather than coming down to Dublin he went offline for 2 weeks and when he came back online he gave a fairly arbitrary explanation.

You say you have no relationship experience but I think you need to take a step back and really think about this guys behavior. Does it make sense or seem completely genuine to you? Maybe I'm way off, there's not enough information in your post to make such a determination, but I see red flags.

Best of luck op, look after yourself.

WoolyJumper · 13-11-2017 10:43pm

I had a similar situation when I was around his age. Met a guy online, quite a bit older. Kept putting off meeting him though cause I was really nervous he wouldn't like me in real life. Even though we saw each other on Skype etc I worried that in real life I would look too different or I wasn't what he was expecting. In the end I met him and all went well. Realised I was being Silly but at the time I was really nervous. This could be the case with your guy. Might be an idea to bring it up with him, reassure him it will be grand.

Other wise it might be as Ten of Swords said and he is just taking the piss. But I think you should be able to gauge that yourself based on how much interest he shows in you when ye talk and whether he seems truly interested in you or not, how often you talk etc.

LegacyUser · 14-11-2017 12:13am

Ten of Swords wrote: »

To me it sounds like he very much enjoys the attention you're giving him but has little intention of meeting you.

You were going to go up to meet him but he couldn't, why?
Rather than coming down to Dublin he went offline for 2 weeks and when he came back online he gave a fairly arbitrary explanation.

You say you have no relationship experience but I think you need to take a step back and really think about this guys behavior. Does it make sense or seem completely genuine to you? Maybe I'm way off, there's not enough information in your post to make such a determination, but I see red flags.

Best of luck op, look after yourself.

Thanks

The reason he couldnt meet me originally in Belfast was because he had to move out of the flat he was sharing because of rows and had to move back home to his family.

When he came back online after 2 weeks he gave a vague explanation that there is a lot going on in his life at the moment.

I dont know to be honest. Initially when we discussed me coming up he said he was really nervous about it all. I guess a lot of our interactions have maybe not been getting to know each other too much but more around discussing what we might do sexually if we were with each other.

I am not sure about his behaviour. Like on the one hand he seems quite keen for something to develop. Then he disappears completely for 2 weeks.

I also dont want to seem overly pushy or needy either.

Peregrinus · 14-11-2017 3:54am

He may genuinely have a lot of drama in his life (in which case he might not be ideal boyfriend material, if "a lot of drama" is not something that appeals to you).

Or, he may be manufacturing drama as a way of avoiding engaging with you because he Has Unresolved Issues. In which case, again, walk.

Or, this is just a bump in the road.

Invite him down to Dublin again. Suggest, and try to agree on, a firm date, maybe for a particular event; don't offer a vague "some weekend" invitation.

If he comes, you get to meet him in the flesh, and the impressions you form then will supersede your online relationship. If he won't come, or if he agrees but then backs out again, I think you have your answer.

JupiterKid · 16-11-2017 5:47am

This is why I gave up on Grindr. Full of total time wasters who either want to hook up instantly or give you the run around and then drop you. And so many guys there don’t even bother to put up a face pic.

Messing around with others’ emotions, getting their hopes up only to crash them to pieces is at best selfish and at worst downright nasty. The gay male world can be so superficial and fickle at times. So many guys get hurt.

boom_27 · 19-11-2017 7:01pm

Same here. I met this guy on Grindr asked for my number few days ago as he was very interested and asked me to go out for coffee this coming week. We've been texting on whatsapp till yesterday afternoon. we were chatting grand and he said he's goin to ringme around half 9pm as he was about to go out to shop for food. I waited till half 10pm so I texted if he's free at that time and I'll ring him instead he didn't reply I waited till 12am and no response so I texted if he lost interest. He replied saying Yeah man "I've a lot on?" I asked what he meant by it he replied again "my ex trying to contact and stalk me and have family stuffs goin on I'm trying to juggle so much" :,(

boom_27 · 19-11-2017 7:06pm

Also met some guys who r very pushy and bi guys that r tried to push in like they're trying to enter a cave or wizards sleeve.

LegacyUser · 08-01-2018 11:16am

We were in touch again briefly and discussed meeting which he seemed enthusiastic about but I havent heard from him in about 2 weeks

Is it a bit stalkerish to follow him on twitter?

Ten of Swords · 08-01-2018 11:52am

2 weeks?

Do yourself a favour and block him on all social media platforms. Based on your earlier post and now this one I'm pretty sure this is only going to go one way, just my opinion

Rick_ · 08-01-2018 8:20pm

He’s not interested in you, he’s just interested in the attention and someone to chat to to pass the time. You said yourself you haven’t really got to know each other, just swapped sexual stories. You are just providing titilation for him and nothing more. Honestly, just delete and block all forms of contact with him. He’s wasting your time and getting your hopes up over something that will never happen.

LegacyUser · 29-10-2018 6:42pm

Hey

So basically I decided to block him on all social media about 7 or 8 months ago. He tracked me down and contacted me. So we have gone through kind of the same phase again - lots of sexting on snapchat. I invited him down and he said yes.

But I dunno - am I fooling myself that he actually wants anything other than sexting

Peregrinus · 30-10-2018 1:45am

Easy way to find out. No more sexting until you've met him. Strictly PG texts before that.

mikel97 · 30-10-2018 11:06am

Hi
It sound like a fake just like cat fish thing. Lots on that Grindr w*nkers

Annasopra · 30-10-2018 2:01pm

mikel97 wrote: »

Hi
It sound like a fake just like cat fish thing. Lots on that Grindr w*nkers

I dont understand that. He said the other guybtracked him down. How does that sound fake?

Annasopra · 31-10-2018 8:58am

OP

It seems to me like you both want completely different things. He just wants to enjoy **** over pics of you and you want a relationship. Maybe time to let it go.

TeacherAni · 01-12-2018 10:29pm

If I was super interested in someone and my life got busy, I would give them a heads up that I would be occupied for X days. Most ppl would in case the other person got the idea you just weren't interested when you were. He sounds like a time waster to me.

Sameasyou · 18-12-2018 1:29am

A lot of users of those hook up sites are a complete waste of time. They would let you waste months chatting if you let them.
Your post is stating that you don’t know how relationships work. You are obviously interested in finding someone for more than just sex.
I would be no expert on the matter, but I would be of the opinion that a hookup site is not the best place to find someone looking to commit to just you. Some other contributors may be able to advise on other ways to meet similar minded people. Call me old fashioned, but meeting in person has still got to be the best way. On a hookup site people get away with all sorts of lies. In person, you have a better chance of working out if there is a connection. Gay walking groups, or other activity groups are a good way of chatting to other people. You might have to chat a few, or a few dozen before you find someone you might like to know better, but I believe you will be in with a better chance of finding someone you trust. And trust is the basis of all good relationships.

I dont know how relationships work

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