I want to die

dragona · 14-02-2019 1:25am #1

My darling girl will be 11 on Friday. Two weeks ago I noticed a wet patch in the bed, she sleeps with me in my bed. It was urine, I thought it was was an accident. Last night I noticed another small wet patch in my bed.

Took her to the vet this morning, and thought it was just geriatric incontinence as did the vet but she suggested an ultrasound scan.

She has a massive tumour in her belly, pressing against all her internal organs, and her bladder. Surgery is not an option, 10% chance of her making it through the anaesthetic.

She is showing no symptoms, eating normally, and being her usual self.

I'm absolutely devastated, don't know how I'll live without her. I don't know what to do. Id rather let her go a week early than two minutes too late. I am heartbroken.

Noodles81 · 14-02-2019 7:45am

I am so sorry to hear about your poor girl. You must be devastated. My girl is 9 and I had her at the vets last week. It's always a fear you will hear bad news and I'm sorry you are going through this. I don't really know what to say except enjoy the time you have left together and give thanks for the 11 years of love and happiness you shared.

cocker5 · 14-02-2019 11:00am

So So sorry OP I have no advice only look after yourself spend as much time with her as you can XX thinking of you at the difficult time

em_cat · 14-02-2019 12:10pm

So sorry for you OP. we went through that with one of our a little more than a year ago. She went for a check up, then 2 days later started eating less so we brought her down and we also had the ultra scan which showed massive kidney tumours.

Like you little to no other symptoms.

I’m sure time will help to heal your broken heart.

StillThinking · 14-02-2019 3:55pm

My Aggie will be gone a year at Easter time, she was 14 and had problems with her liver. It's heartbreaking but the only solace is that I know I gave her the best possible life and I loved her so much. I'm sure you can say the same thing about your wee darling, you have done everything you possibly could and you gave them your heart and your home, they'll go knowing they were loved and cared for x

kylith · 14-02-2019 5:53pm

You poor thing, and your poor pet!

We had the same here with a terrier a few years ago: one day she wouldn't lie down and seemed swollen, vet did an ultrasound and she had numerous liver tumors. If she had gotten through the surgery she'd have had another year or so, and would have spent months on crate rest recuperating. I was heartbroken, but it's true what they say: better a day too early than a day too late.

Hugs to you and your little treasure.

beveragelady · 14-02-2019 7:35pm

As long as she's not in pain then everything is perfectly wonderful as far as she is concerned. She doesn't know there's anything wrong, every day is a good day. I got a lot of comfort from reminding myself that my chap was blissfully oblivious to every bit of bad news we got.

I had always said I'd let him go six months early rather than a minute late, but I still spent a lot of time worrying about the inevitable end. Would I be able to make the phonecall to make an appointment? Would I be able to bring him through the door of the vet? When the time came I amazed myself. I absolutely knew it was the right thing to do, and I was the only person who could do it so even though my heart was breaking it wasn't agonising. The staff at the vet were so nice and so thoughtful that the experience was strangely sweet despite the tears.

Enjoy the days for now. It will be a huge comfort to you to be able to look back and tell yourself you gave her the best possible life. When the time comes you'll surprise yourself with how well you cope. It certainly doesn't help to do your mourning in advance.

CarolineBee · 16-02-2019 6:19pm

Oh my heart goes out to you...
Take comfort that she has no symptoms and is totally unaware of what’s going on.
Maybe take the time you’ve got to indulge her, and yourself, in adding to your 11 years of memories.

When the time comes take strength in being there for her and knowing how much love has passed between you both.

Big hugs x

Gael23 · 16-02-2019 8:14pm

I know how this feels but it sounds as if she still has a reasonable quality of life so you just need to keep it that way as long as possible. And cherish this time no matter how long or short it is, spoil her that little bit extra and create those memories that last forever.

You really will surprise yourself at how you cope, it’s like being on autopilot for a while and when that goes you just find a way through. There’s going to be times your heart races and you burst into tears but they get less and less as time passes.

Anyway let’s not focus on that for now, just enjoy the time you have left together.

dragona · 20-02-2019 11:06pm

Thank you all for your kind words. All I can do is sob incessantly. I cannot believe that I am going to have to carry on living without her. I knew the day would come, of course I did.Just not now.

All I can do is give thanks that she is at the moment enjoying her life.I would love to think that she was unaware, but I think she knows. She is excited to go out, annoying the cat, barking at the postman and any old poor individual who happens to walk past the front door. Her appetite is fine, and I am indulging her as much as I can without overloading her poor tummy. I requested painkillers from my vet and have been given Tramadol for her twice a day.

She seems to have slowed down in her movements a lot this last week, and I am helping her onto my bed as she is not keen to jump.Her tummy seems to be a lot more swollen

Whatever this is, it is extremely aggressive, there was no sign at all until about three weeks ago when she wet my bed. She does not appear to be in pain, just uncomfortable trying to shift position as she sleeps. I am not sleeping at night AT ALL.

Terrified that she will suddenly be in pain or have a seizure in the night or something. I have decided that I will call my vet to my home when I think the time is right, I have another dog, a Labrador, and he will at least be able to see her, rather than me leaving the house with her and her never re appearing again. I'm heartbroken for him.

Everything is on hold. I don't want to leave the house.I haven't left the house. I want to spend every single second with her. Feel dead inside.

zoe 3619 · 20-02-2019 11:30pm

Reading that,my heart is absolutely aching for you.
It's the hardest thing in the world,but you're doing the right thing.Will be thinking of you.xx

LimeFruitGum · 21-02-2019 12:06am

What a lovely pic of her ❤️

itsnotmyname · 21-02-2019 12:17am

She's a beautiful girl.. Big kind eyes. You're doing everything u can for her, enjoy you're time together.

Noodles81 · 21-02-2019 9:53am

Judy is so beautiful and you are making her last days so loving and comfortable. You will be able to go on knowing you were her soul mate through it all and always did right by her to the end.

QueenMTBee · 21-02-2019 10:29am

I couldn't not post on here. I went through this last year and posted on here for advice.

You will know when it's time to let her go. Your head will question it over and over and you'll try to talk yourself out of it but when you love your dog as much as you do, you will know that she's ready.

On a practical note, I asked the vet to come to my home when it was time and she was able to go to sleep cuddled up with me on her favourite couch. It was bittersweet - so painful but yet it's the memory that gives me most comfort. It was the last thing I could do to show her how much I loved her.

In the meantime make lots of happy memories, go to all her favourite places, let her have her favourite foods, lots and lots of cuddles. These moments are the ones that will keep you going when your heart is broken.

happyday · 21-02-2019 10:38am

Just found this thread now. I feel so sad for you and Judy. See looks like a sweetheart and is lucky to have such a caring owner. She will be wondering what you are so upset about. Just give her lots of love and look after yourself too.

Rubberchikken · 23-02-2019 9:03pm

just reading this now.
hope you're enjoying every day with Judy. she looks a sweetheart.
we have our little westie. shes 12. in excellent form except for a benign growth that comes back every 3 months in her anus.
our wonderful vet removes it and she bounces back like new. she's due to get it done again Monday and we'll spend the day worrying and waiting until its time to go and get her.
to us, she is the world:)

dragona · 25-02-2019 5:28pm

Today is very hard, I've called the vet and made arrangements for Thursday evening.

I'm trying so hard to be calm in front of Judy, but just feeling hysterical now that I know when her last day will be.

She is ok.but not ok. She is her usual self, but not. I can tell, as no one else can. She refused her food yesterday, and gobbled breakfast this morning. Yesterday she was so slow on her walk, today she attempted to run.

I know it's time, before she gets to the point of having actual pain instead of discomfort, and I know she has no pain right now.

I am dreading it. I will be so lonely without her, I love her so much its actual physical pain just at the thought of being without her. I know I'm making the right decision. For Judy.

acequion · 25-02-2019 8:05pm

I am so very sorry for you Op and your beautiful Judy. I wish I could find words to comfort you but there aren't any. But you are doing everything right and will have no regrets. Thinking of you both.

Shadow1983 · 25-02-2019 8:20pm

Sobbing reading this, my heart goes out to you. XxX

rubberdungeon · 25-02-2019 8:36pm

I’m so sorry you have to make this decision, your courage and selfless love for Judy is palpable.

Sending you hugs for the days ahead!

devlinio · 25-02-2019 8:56pm

I'm so sorry. What a beautiful girl. I don't really have anything to say, other than I'm so so sorry.

jellybear · 25-02-2019 9:19pm

Oh this has me in tears...floods to be honest. I really do feel for you. As someone who has been there before, you will take comfort in the fact that you are doing the most selfless, kind thing for Judy. It's the last act of kindness we can do for our pets when the time comes. Enjoy every moment with Judy and spoil her rotten. We'll all be thinking of you and gorgeous Judy.

dragona · 25-02-2019 11:51pm

Thank you for your kind words, I know there is no comfort for me,it is pure agony.
Don't know how I'm going to get through this.

jellybear · 25-02-2019 11:59pm

She is just beautiful. Tears streaming down my face. Hopefully she'll have some lovely weather and a nice little sun trap to enjoy over the next few days.

Pearlstone · 26-02-2019 12:07am

Hi Dragona. My heart goes out to you. Went through the same situation last year when we lost ours. Like you, we knew the day in advance as we had to take him to our Vet as he had been slowly worsening from kidney failure and we did not want him to suffer. You are doing the right thing for your beautiful Judy and that thought hopefully will help you get through this. Treasure the wonderful memories as she will always have a special place in your heart.

Heckler · 26-02-2019 12:14am

Just know in your heart of hearts you are 100% doing the kindest and most loving thing you can. I've been there and it so tough but you'll be glad you did the right thing in the end.

Gael23 · 26-02-2019 5:34pm

It is physical pain and it’s not something you can understand until you experience it. Some people that don’t know what it’s like think you bring silly but it’s real. You will get through, i know to well it doesn’t feel like it just now but you will.

This might not be something you can think about at the moment but if you can afford individual cremation I highly recommend it. That’s what we done and it feels like we have a little piece of him in the house forever.

AndrewJRenko · 26-02-2019 5:39pm

So sorry - just one practical suggestion - if you can, arrange for the vet to do a home visit at the end. It will be so much less stressful for you and Judy to be at home in familiar surroundings.

Rubberchikken · 26-02-2019 5:43pm

four years ago on a most perfect june day my son had to see his little fella, a terrier and a terror

leave this world but not our hearts.
it was the hardest decision he had to make but in the end he decided that little fella's quality of life and health had deteriorated so badly that it couldnt continue.

we cried for him and with him and have never forgotten our little fella and there's hardly a day we dont mention him and remember something funny or silly he did.
my son realises that while a heart breaking decision it was one that came with being a little dog's owner.

my heart is breaking for you and your doggie. i will be thinking of you both thursday and sending you strength and peace.
take care and be proud of being such a wonderfully caring person.

dragona · 26-02-2019 6:31pm

We had a lovely long walk today down the canal, the sun was shining, said hello to a couple of dog friends. Had a long conversation with her, explaining it all. She just smiled at me, and went about the business of peeing on everything.

She knows, and I believe she is not afraid, or in pain.

I lost my beloved black Labrador, Vito, nearly 11 years ago from a horrific disease, he had leishmaniasis, and Judy as a tiny pup was a great comfort to me. I am in so much pain, all I can do is cry. And yes it's a physical pain my chest feels like it's been punched repeatedly.

He was individually cremated, and that's what I'll do again. My vet is lovely and will come to my home. I feel like a zombie,as if my life isn't real.

Sam Hain · 26-02-2019 6:39pm

What a heartbreaking scenario. Such a beautiful looking dog, you are lucky to have had her in your life as she was to have you. Good luck.

acequion · 26-02-2019 7:13pm

I cannot read this tread without crying,I feel so very sad for you and your beautiful treasure. I have a little cat who I adore and who at 7 is in her prime but some day she'll have to leave me and the very thought is horrendous.

We love our fur babies so very much and our time with them is so short, 10-15 years over a lifetime, a drop in the ocean but wonderful years. But they live in our hearts forever.

You are so brave Op and you're doing the right thing. That,plus the wonderful love you and Judy have shared, the happy life you've given her will give you solace. Hugs to you both.xx

ruthy_2504 · 27-02-2019 10:51am

This thread is so apt for where I am right now. I have a 14.5 yo boxer so has battled through the last year and is slowly loosing control over his back legs. We had a slight episode with him last night and my brain started running away with me, playing out the last day/hours with him, dreading having to make that call.

This morning he made a fool of me, as he normally does after one of my meltdowns! I do know his day is coming, and like so many of you who have posted previously, the fear of making that call even a day too late terrifies me.

Dragona, I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and in time you will take comfort in the fact you made the call before things got too bad. Or at least that's what people say, and what I keep telling myself in advance of my time.

Take care x

Truegalwaygirl · 27-02-2019 11:24am

I am so sorry to read this. Judy is a beautiful lady! I am crying reading this thread as I know too well what you are going through today.
I am the other side of this at the moment. We put our beautiful lady to sleep 3 weeks ago, she was 18. We adopted her and her best friend from the pound 15 years ago. What an amazing 15 years. In the last year it was something that played on my mind and I dreaded the thought! She was in perfect health. Her usual happy self who loved to sleep by the fire and swim in the river. A week before she was put down she was off form. We just knew it was the end. I always imagined it would be stressful for her. I can tell you it was not. They know and they are not afraid. She ate all her favourite treats and had the family around her. Myself and my father were there when she went to sleep. Our hearts are broken but it was the right thing to do. You love them too much to have them suffer for even a second. The vets all commented on what a happy lady she was and that it was clear she was loved. This is the memory I keep.
I will be thinking of you tomorrow, stay strong and hold her tight! xxx

dragona · 27-02-2019 3:32pm

Judy is going to have chicken nuggets and a bit of vanilla milkshake in a minute, and then out for a walk.

I am a hysterical mess. My other dog Reuben isn't eating, I'm devastated for him, he's depressed. He just sees us all sobbing.

I'm trying so hard, I just can't stop crying. I'm terrified she won't make it to tomorrow. She's eating fine, annoying Golda the cat, she has some camembert for lunch.

Cannot believe tonight is her last night with us. I KNOW the time is NOW. I've told her I will help her, and that's what I'm going to do. I adore her, just adore her. This is the most pain I have ever endured, I'm never going to get over this.

Mrcaramelchoc · 27-02-2019 3:39pm

She landed on her feet with you.from what I've been reading she couldn't have gotten a better owner.
Remember that because I'm 100% sure judy will.

Planina · 27-02-2019 3:43pm

I'm so, so sorry for you. I know what an intensely painful experience this is and Judy is such a darling. Sending you both all my love!

QueenMTBee · 27-02-2019 4:28pm

Just to say that I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. It will hurt more than you can imagine but in time you'll be so proud that you had the strength to let her go when she was ready. Just to echo what another poster said - I honestly believe that they do know what is happening and understand why and that they aren't afraid when you are there with them. Big hugs xx

dragona · 28-02-2019 4:33am

Judy died tonight. I had to call the vet this evening, she looked at me and her eyes were glazed, and I promised her I would not let her down.

I am beyond heartbroken. Can't write any more, just thank you for all your kind thoughts.

bertsmom · 28-02-2019 5:01am

dragona wrote:

Judy died tonight. I had to call the vet this evening, she looked at me and her eyes were glazed, and I promised her I would not let her down.

dragona wrote:

I am beyond heartbroken. Can't write any more, just thank you for all your kind thoughts.

I am so sorry for your loss, my gorgeous boy died last month (Springer spaniel, from bowel disease) My heart literally shattered in the vets the day I held him as he went to sleep and even now as I write this I can't stop bawling BUT I promise you, you did the right thing for your lovely Judy.
The kindest gift you can give is the hardest most painful decision you have to make but that is the price we pay for their love and devotion.
I don't know if this will help you but my elderly Father said to me that now it's us that feels the pain whilst they are at peace and that gives me comfort that it's ok if I feel like sh1te but I am grateful he is free from any pain.
I drive home from every night shift to an empty house now and that's going to take a lot of getting used to.
Cry when you need to cry and be good to yourself it seems to me Judy was blessed with love and care from a great mammy who put her first right to the end xx

QueenMTBee · 28-02-2019 6:41am

I'm so sorry to hear that. I know nothing can dim the pain you're feeling right now but you did the right thing, you loved her completely and she knew it and loved you for it. Be kind to yourself - and don't be afraid to post on here or the Departed Pets thread if you need some support.

nazzy · 28-02-2019 7:08am

RIP beautiful Judy. I am physically sobbing reading this and my heart breaks for you. Such lovely, kind posts above. Will be thinking on you. Time is a healer and you have so many treasured memories with your girl, take care of yourself.

Teyla Emmagan · 28-02-2019 7:44am

Was just coming on this thread to wish you well today Dragona. Judy was lucky to have you and you were lucky to have Judy. Try and focus on the good times xxx

Addle · 28-02-2019 7:52am

It's a dreadful loss.
I hope you can take some comfort in knowing you always did what was for her.

happyday · 28-02-2019 8:39am

I just want to add my support to all the very kind posts above. My heart goes out to you. You know you did what was right. God bless.

jellybear · 28-02-2019 12:49pm

So sorry for your huge loss. You and Judy had such a wonderful connection. Right up until the end you understood each other perfectly. Mind yourself and remember we're all here to listen any time you need it. Sleep tight beautiful Judy.

tiredblondie · 28-02-2019 12:55pm

RIP Judy - came on here to say i was thinking of you today (haven't commented on your post as it was just too sad but had been following it)
Thinking of you at this horrible time - i've not gone through it yet as my girl is my first dog, she's 10 now and i'm dreading when the day comes as it will kill me xx

anewme · 28-02-2019 1:23pm

Sending you hugs today. Judy had the best Mammy. You were both lucky to have found each other. You should be proud that you did the right thing by her. Be kind to yourself.

acequion · 28-02-2019 4:56pm

Am so very sorry OP. I was thinking of you today and being a cock eyed optimist I was even hoping for some kind of miracle. And maybe you did get one in a way. Because the long goodbye is unbearably painful so maybe it was better yesterday than today. I know you won't feel that right now but it usually is better sooner rather than later.

But I am so very sad reading this thread, I think we all are. Look after yourself OP because of course you are utterly heartbroken. But some day the pain will ease and you will get comfort from your wonderful memories of your darling Judy and from having done the right thing. I must dry my eyes now before my collegues see me here at work and wonder why I'm crying. I reckon your beautiful Judy sparked tears and touched hearts all over this country.

RIP sweet, beautiful Judy.

MonkieSocks · 28-02-2019 5:17pm

R.I.P Judy

Sorry for your loss dragona

I want to die

Comments