A true story about me. (Memories)

Rubecula · 02-09-2016 12:26am

How did I sleep? Jaysus JB three days and nights wrapped around myself in a mini? I would have slept through a terrorist attack in the room let alone a group of incontinent pigeons.

Rubecula · 20-11-2017 4:58am

Further to the whelk story previously mentioned, this weekend I was visiting my current girlfriend in Liverpool and I took the little car rather than the Passat, bearing in mind I had an awful cold last week.

Anyway got there on Friday night and settled in to being molly coddled Yesterday (Saturday morning) we realised that we needed some groceries, so I volunteered that I would go for them, she said she would come too.

I opened the car door for her (perfect gentleman I thought.) but she stopped halfway in and got out again sniffing the air.

"Have you been eating fish in the car?"

"No hon," said I.

I got in and sniffed, sure enough it was a smell of fish.

Odd I thought, anyway I opened the sunroof and said it was probably outside somewhere.

We went shopping around the corner only using the car for the huge amount we bought. (gotta love Aldi some times)

Went get in the car to come home and "Gawd almighty what a stench" I opened the sunroof and the windows and drove back gasping ..... She kept her breathing shallow and through her mouth.

Got back to her place and she told me to sort the smell out as it was vile. I had to agree.

After she opened thr front door I passed the bags of shopping in, but instead of walking around the car for the last bag I leaned across the back seat, my foot slipped and down I went like a sack of bricks, headfirst onto a plastic bag that I never knew was there, The smell suddenly got that bad I nearly saw my breakfast again.

The bag reeked so bad I didn' move for a second as I was in shock.

Inside the bag was a packet of prawns and when I fell over the pack had burst... Dear heaven it was vileness personified. I hooked the bag at arms length with one finger in the handles and passed it in through the doorof the house, to much squealing from my lovely friend. and she ran out the back with it.

The smell got worse and worse the more the bag jiggled about so she went to throw it in the bin from a distance and it stuck to her hand a bit, it went over the wall......... luckily it went over the end wall and not into next door. Unluckily the back gate is seized shut. On the bright side she likes cats which I cleverly pointed out..... ?Hmmmmm.

Alice1 · 20-11-2017 9:17pm

Eww, can't abide the smell of fish.

looksee · 20-11-2017 9:19pm

Just had fish for my dinner, very nice.

Jellybaby1 · 20-11-2017 11:05pm

Flippin' hell Rube! That sounds revolting!

Rubecula · 22-11-2017 10:16pm

Jellybaby1 wrote: »

Flippin' hell Rube! That sounds revolting!

It smelled worse than it sounded

Rubecula · 21-01-2018 2:12pm

So I decided to go shopping today, which was to be my first day out if the house in ages. Obviously I can not use my car just yet, but a shopping trolley and a bus would do for a nice little adventure, at least that was the general idea.

Off to town I went all excited about being out on my own again. Tesco was the obvious place for me to go. I bought a load of groceries and got the bus home. then I went to get off the bus, some youngsters were trying to get on at the same time, so I moved the trolley out of the way, and a bloody wheel broke off it. I ended up dragging the said trolley down the road sideways .... not happy at all.

Jellybaby1 · 22-01-2018 1:25am

Every day is a (mis)adventure!

OldGoat · 22-01-2018 11:08am

UniTrolly. How very hipster of you Rubes.

Rubecula · 22-01-2018 3:19pm

good mews is that the working wheel fitted nicely on to another trolley

err yes another trolley with a broken wheel ... LOL

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1 · 22-01-2018 3:50pm

You should write a book Rubes, but your editor will probably want some of the tales rowed back a bit to seem believable to the reader. You're what my mother used to refer to as a "walking disaster area".

Keep it coming.

Jellybaby1 · 22-01-2018 3:58pm

Eddie Young Videodisc wrote: »

....Keep it coming.

Loike, todally!

Rubecula · 22-01-2018 4:55pm

Eddie Young Videodisc wrote: »

You should write a book Rubes, but your editor will probably want some of the tales rowed back a bit to seem believable to the reader. You're what my mother used to refer to as a "walking disaster area".

Keep it coming.

said many times that I couldn't write a book on just a few anecdotes ,,, but thank you for the kind comments.

Graces7 · 14-03-2018 9:35am

speechless!

Ted_YNWA · 14-03-2018 9:45am

**makes note not to accept a lift from Rubes.**

Graces7 · 14-03-2018 10:28pm

Ted_YNWA wrote: »

**makes note not to accept a lift from Rubes.**

Adds note to stay clear of anywhere he is driving etc.
Maybe warning sirens? Like air raids!

Graces7 · 14-03-2018 10:32pm

Young man; I was just dropping off to sleep when I remembered what your style reminds me of and my memory being fragile had to get up etc...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZUJLO6lMhI

It was known as "the bricklayer's letter to his employer."

Rubecula · 15-03-2018 9:05pm

Graces7 wrote: »

Young man; I was just dropping off to sleep when I remembered what your style reminds me of and my memory being fragile had to get up etc...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZUJLO6lMhI

It was known as "the bricklayer's letter to his employer."

never laid a brick in my life lol lol:D

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1 · 15-03-2018 9:11pm

Rubecula wrote: »

never laid a brick in my life lol lol:D

I'm now imaging the results if you had. Ladders, bricks, rope/pully, wet cement, high walls versus high winds.....

Ted_YNWA · 15-03-2018 9:15pm

I think Rubes could have been the inspiration for Some Mothers Do 'Ave them

:P

Graces7 · 16-03-2018 6:59am

Ted_YNWA wrote: »

I think Rubes could have been the inspiration for Some Mothers Do 'Ave them

:P

Ah no; Rubes is far too intelligent for that ans his mishaps are in a different class altogether which makes them all the more effective. When clowns mess up we expect it but when intelliegent folk do it it is a far more meaningful

Graces7 · 16-03-2018 7:00am

Rubecula wrote: »

never laid a brick in my life lol lol:D

Pleased to hear that!

Rubecula · 19-03-2018 12:28am

Graces7 wrote: »

Ah no; Rubes is far too intelligent for that ans his mishaps are in a different class altogether which makes them all the more effective. When clowns mess up we expect it but when intelliegent folk do it it is a far more meaningful

hmmm intelligent? me? wait until you know me :pac:

Graces7 wrote: »

Pleased to hear that!

wait a tic I did place a couple down to put my incinerator on

gozunda · 19-03-2018 1:05am

Graces7 wrote: »

Young man; I was just dropping off to sleep when I remembered what your style reminds me of and my memory being fragile had to get up etc...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZUJLO6lMhI

It was known as "the bricklayer's letter to his employer."

Grace

I think you need to listen to this one - a litte bit closer to home I think ...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_Vfxuk8x_A

Enjoy ...

Graces7 · 19-03-2018 9:15am

gozunda wrote: »

Grace

I think you need to listen to this one - a litte bit closer to home I think ...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_Vfxuk8x_A

Enjoy ...

Brilliant theft! Thank you

Jellybaby1 · 19-03-2018 8:42pm

They just don't write them like that any more!

Rubecula · 06-04-2018 11:54pm

This goes back a few years to my teens, yes, way back in the mist of time.

My first job was in a warehouse for £5 per week, it didn't last though as I seemed to get into fights and stuff, (I was only 15) Anyway, I decided to look for another job.

I found a great job that paid the extravagant sum of £7 per week, in a shop, a cake shop, a cake shop totally run by ladies, dozens of them, everywhere. Many of them my age. (This snippet is important to the rest of the story.)

One day, I can not remember why now, I was due to get into work early. Sadly, I overslept, so I was running late. I grabbed my trousers, my old school trousers as it happened which I had out grown a bit, they were slightly tight to put on over my underpants, so I left the said item of underwear off. I was certain it would not matter for the day.

When I arrived at the job, I was told I would be trialling out a new nylon type of overall, imagine my surprise that the new overalls was just a jacket.

I didn't mind though as the tight pants and white jacket gave me what I fondly thought of as a sexy look.

Then I dropped something on the floor, I bent down to pick it up and ................. yes the trousers could not take the strain.

Sadly for me my lack of underwear also made itself noticed. The (cough cough) ladies were very sympathetic, getting me to pick things up all over the place. Even in the shop in front of customers. The manageress kept me bending over and calling members of staff to help with odd bits of paperwork. I did not feel very sexy after that, I could not wait to get out and on my motorbike to go home.

Ah yes, that little motorbike, more of that at a later date.

Jellybaby1 · 07-04-2018 1:02am

So your misadventures began from the age of 15. Hmmmm! Looks like you made a career of it Rube!

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1 · 07-04-2018 9:03am

I still think there's a book, or TV series in all this.

Graces7 · 07-04-2018 5:00pm

Rubecula wrote: »

This goes back a few years to my teens, yes, way back in the mist of time.

My first job was in a warehouse for £5 per week, it didn't last though as I seemed to get into fights and stuff, (I was only 15) Anyway, I decided to look for another job.

I found a great job that paid the extravagant sum of £7 per week, in a shop, a cake shop, a cake shop totally run by ladies, dozens of them, everywhere. Many of them my age. (This snippet is important to the rest of the story.)

One day, I can not remember why now, I was due to get into work early. Sadly, I overslept, so I was running late. I grabbed my trousers, my old school trousers as it happened which I had out grown a bit, they were slightly tight to put on over my underpants, so I left the said item of underwear off. I was ce
rtain it would not matter for the day.

When I arrived at the job, I was told I would be trialling out a new nylon type of overall, imagine my surprise that the new overalls was just a jacket.

I didn't mind though as the tight pants and white jacket gave me what I fondly thought of as a sexy look.

Then I dropped something on the floor, I bent down to pick it up and ................. yes the trousers could not take the strain.

Sadly for me my lack of underwear also made itself noticed. The (cough cough) ladies were very sympathetic, getting me to pick things up all over the place. Even in the shop in front of customers. The manageress kept me bending over and calling members of staff to help with odd bits of paperwork. I did not feel very sexy after that, I could not wait to get out and on my motorbike to go home.

Ah yes, that little motorbike, more of that at a later date.

Is that what is meant by the bare essentials?

Rubecula · 08-04-2018 1:20am

Jellybaby1 wrote: »

So your misadventures began from the age of 15. Hmmmm! Looks like you made a career of it Rube!

oh no JB, it goes back a lot further than that. :eek:

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1 · 08-04-2018 8:40am

Rubecula wrote: »

oh no JB, it goes back a lot further than that. :eek:

Book/movie no.2 - a prequel.

Rubecula · 08-04-2018 11:12pm

Eddie Young Videodisc wrote: »

Book/movie no.2 - a prequel.

go on then tell me who would be chosen to play me?

Ted_YNWA · 08-04-2018 11:15pm

Rubecula wrote: »

go on then tell me who would be chosen to play me?

Peter Sellers.

Jellybaby1 · 08-04-2018 11:15pm

You'd love us to say 'George Clooney'. Wouldn't ya? :P

Rubecula · 08-04-2018 11:17pm

Jellybaby1 wrote: »

You'd love us to say 'George Clooney'. Wouldn't ya? :P

no

Jellybaby1 · 08-04-2018 11:24pm

Rowan Atkinson comes to mind.

Rubecula · 09-04-2018 12:09am

Jellybaby1 wrote: »

Rowan Atkinson comes to mind.

lol I m not Mr Bean, these mishaps could happen to anyone

Jellybaby1 · 09-04-2018 8:11pm

So you would like us to think! Start typing this stuff Rube!

Rubecula · 06-09-2018 1:55pm

T scenario was this, later in the year I am taking my young OH away for a holiday as it is a big birthday for her, and I need to save some money, and as we live in different parts of UK (long story that is all about work) I decided to pop along for a visit and to make sure she had sorted out everything for going away. So, I used my senior citizens rail card which ensured a cheap trip.

The thing is I have not used the trains to get anywhere in over 45 years, so I assmed it was similar to the way it used to be. I underestimated the amount of change and also, being frank, I overestimated my strength and endurance, not a brilliant idea to carry four cases of luggage then. :eek:
I am not sure how it happened but I somehow managed to get a train with only two carriages on it, the toilets were rank and to make things even nastier were also full of screaming kids on the way to the zoo the beach or the fairground. after a while even the mums were screaming and I felt like it.

Then, blessed relief, I changed trains..... well it may have been a relief if I could get to the train with my luggage easily, and having used the lift to get off the platform I found I needed to use another to get to the train and when I got there found a lack of seats. Oh my gawd I was sweating and shaking by the time we got to the next change.... I got the next train easily enough with help from an easy going porter. And there were seats on it, the trip was nearly over so I was feeling good at this point, then of course I got to the final station. the station had a bridge to get to the exit, but no lift no ramp just steps and nobody in sight to help. It was like a horror film set. Eventually of course a nice porter turned up and helped me over the bridge and even phoned a taxi for ne, I finally got to the place my good lady was staying and fell into her arms in relief. Her dulcet tones are still with me now, "Why the hell didn't you use the car Softlad?" I explained to her gentle questions with a equally friendly "I was trying to save money"

Anyway, it was over now. I was sweating so I had a quick bath and settled down for a bight in. "What is on the telly hon?" The answer was disappointing as the telly was dead, bugga. then it came to my attention that the washing machine was also broken, as was a few other things … I told her not to worry as I would sort things out for her. The following morning I went out hopped on a bus and set off to sort thu=is mess out, forgetting where I as told to get off the bus. I got off next to a car sales instead of the supermarket and other shops. This was a big mistake, a very BIG mistake …. by the time I bought the telly, the washing machine and a few other bits and bobs I had also bought myself a new car. I would like to say at this point I still have a nercedes and a vw Passat at home so I really could have sold them first. I just never expected to get another car. Lovely as it is the car has a few issues to get to grips with, for example the childlocks … I still do not know how to disengage them. as became apparent when I climbed in the back seat and let the door close behind me on the way home. no wonder her pet name for me is Mr Bean. It took me an hour to get out of the sodding thing …. wriggling and squiring to get out of the car and after that I had to go eat myself back to being normal (for me)

I am sure you would have expected me to spend money when I was trying to save it, but even so a new telly, washing machine and omg of all things a bloody new car.....
and I never sorted out the reasons for my trip anyway:eek:

looksee · 06-09-2018 6:16pm

Not one of us is going to ask how/why you managed to get into the back seat and close the door on the way home. No-one.

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1 · 06-09-2018 6:18pm

My nomination for the actor to play Rubes in the movie version of this changes with each chapter.

Jellybaby1 · 06-09-2018 10:21pm

We should start offering suggestions for Rube's autobiography. Here's one:

'Rube's Odyssey'.

Honestly Rube, how does your life keep on being so complicated, and hilarious!

Rubecula · 06-09-2018 10:43pm

looksee wrote: »

Not one of us is going to ask how/why you managed to get into the back seat and close the door on the way home. No-one.

basically I was tired so decided to sit in the comfort of the back seat as a way to get a few mins of shut eye.

Eddie Young Videodisc wrote: »

My nomination for the actor to play Rubes in the movie version of this changes with each chapter.

either Johnny Depp or someone like him :cool:

Jellybaby1 wrote: »

We should start offering suggestions for Rube's autobiography. Here's one:

'Rube's Odyssey'.

Honestly Rube, how does your life keep on being so complicated, and hilarious!

Not a clue I think I am in the Trueman show most of the time

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1 · 06-09-2018 10:52pm

The theme music would have to be "When the red red robin comes bob bob bobbing along".

Rubecula · 06-09-2018 10:57pm

Eddie Young Videodisc wrote: »

The theme music would have to be "When the red red robin comes bob bob bobbing along".

I would prefer this:

Jellybaby1 · 06-09-2018 11:45pm

Perfick!

New Home · 07-09-2018 1:20pm

Rube, should it happen again, may I suggest you roll down the window and open the door using the handle outside? You know, like the trains in the "olden days"...

Rubecula · 07-09-2018 2:50pm

that would have worked but for one thing … electric windows …. no power means no window movement. And I could not put power on from the back seat. Hence the wide eyed look of horror on my face.

Jellybaby1 · 07-09-2018 7:00pm

"Electric windows"........"no power"!!

A true story about me. (Memories)

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