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Child asking about their absent parent

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  • 24-02-2021 12:29pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi, just looking for some advice here.

    I'm single parent, have been single all my child's life and their father is in and out of their lives. The relationship didn't last long as he was very abusive towards me. We've been through court a few times to formulate some sort of plan for access but very rarely does he keep to it.
    He is also still very verbally abusive towards me.

    Child is at an age now where the questions begin -
    Where did you meet dad?
    Why did you break up?
    Why doesn't Dad live with us?

    I'm just wondering does anyone have any resources that I could use to see how I might approach these questions? Obviously I can't tell the whole truth, but just wondering what to say.

    Child is 6 for reference.


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    #2
    Neyite
    Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    Would Barnardos have any information that would be helpful? A quick look at their website where they explain separation has some nice wording to explain separation to children that you could adapt for a 6yo:
    https://www.barnardos.ie/resources/young-people/separation


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    #3
    CivilCybil
    Registered Users Posts: 166 ✭✭CivilCybil


    Been through similar OP. Have a child who is now in their mid teens and I've always been a single parent. He's never known his dad.
    I would recommend the programme for children of separated/deceased parents "rainbows" once services reopen. https://www.rainbowsireland.ie/

    I would give honest and age appropriate answers. But never bad mouth the other parent.

    For example
    Where did you meet dad?
    We met at xyz when we were x age and tell the story in a relatively positive way.
    Why did ye break up?
    When people grow up and get older they sometimes change. So like how you used to be friends with John but now he like soccer so he's friends with people on the soccer team and you like Pokémon and so does your friend Mark, adults sometimes find after a while that they don't have things in common or don't get on anymore. That's what happened with dad. We were arguing a lot and weren't happy so we decided it would be best to not be together anymore.

    Also reassure the child that it's different with you and the child and that you would never not want to be with the child/live with the child.

    Don't speak on behalf of your child's father or say dad will always be around etc as that might not be the case. Just offer constant reassurance from you and you alone that you will be there and you love him etc.

    As the child gets older you can give more of the story as you deem age appropriate.
    I used to tell my son when he was small that his father was young and wasn't ready to be a father and that it wasn't about my son, it was all about his dad. I added that it couldn't be about my son because his dad didn't even know him and everyone who knows him loves him.

    Now that he's much older he knows the full story but as a kid I tried to keep it neutral while being reassuring.
    Best of luck with it all, it's not easy.


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