Something has to give

Thanks for the advice everyone. I went to Cuan Mhuire. They do offer after care but I don't drive and it was about 3 hours from where I am. I know another excuse. I am making some progress before I went to cm I wouldn't even admit I have a problem. Even with what I learnt there I couldn't admit I was an alcoholic before coming out. I can do that now having applied a lot of my learning and with other supports. As I said it's binges not drinking daily, still causing a lot of issues but I am trying the most I last is usually just a week so not very good.

I loved AA just not the zoom ones. I found the chat with a cup of tea before/ after the most helpful part. I didn't get a sponsor but I was looking. It's not an actual rule but they say women should pick a woman as a sponsor. As I said it's very rural here and even though I varied up my meetings if there was 1 other woman I was lucky. But the mostly much older men were lovely. Not like some of the horror stories I heard. Only a handful of times was a younger man making advances but one of the auld lads always copped it very quick and stepped in. Anyway I'm digressing.

I know I have to quit. I just keep fooling myself that maybe this time I can control it. I've not got full acceptance yet, well some days I do then I forget again. I wish a switch would just flick in my stupid brain.

Yes my husband is a saint to put up with me for as long as he has. He said it's because he can remember the real me. Up until 18 months ago I wasn't an alcoholic or maybe I was I just didn't know with work commitments being quite taxing I couldn't drink to excess. I still had a few glasses of wine most nights and always drank too much on nights out. It was when I was made redundant it really raised its ugly head.

I'll finish here because I know I'm going on. Someone asked why not go back to the professionals why come onto the internet. Because I think I'll get more honest, truthful answers. I'm not saying the professionals don't help but the counsellor I go to doesn't really give advice. And the first one I went to was obsessed with imagining a square in your head for breathing and dressing yourself and your bed every morning (which I have always done)

I don't know how far back you're curious about so I'll go the whole way and hopefully not bore you.

I started drinking age 12 while I don't think she was actually an alcoholic my mam was a serious heavy drinker so letting me have a few alco pops of an evening let her drink to her hearts content. Started properly going out to clubs etc about age 14. My step dad on the other hand was an abusive and aggressive alcoholic (he was mostly mind control but some physical both in the wrong way, and the very wrong way) and to try make him love me I would go on drinking sessions with him from age 16. He has since died and i have learnt that was not love.

Bar my possibly week long drinking sessions with him I mostly through college drank 2 week nights and Saturday at home but it was usually to excess. Went and done the oz thing like most of my age group. Drink ramped up there. Not blind drunk but drank every night. I though I was just having fun, don't get me wrong I did have a lot of fun too but I really was one of those that would have thought someone was pure dry if they weren't sculling pints and downing shots on a Saturday night. My view has now changed and I envy those people.

Came home at 25 and with two very close relatives both dying within a year both in tragic circumstances. I coped with drink. Usually a 1/2 bottle of wine in front of OH and a hidden nagon to top up.

By the time the overwhelming grief started to pass I was hooked and would say every Monday I'll stop I won't buy it. But I would. This continued until I was 30. That's like 10 plus units a night and I'm not a huge woman.

Then got made redundant and it really went down hill FAST so fast I went from clearly being a heavy drinker but managing day to day life and holding down a stressful job to being in rehab within 3 months.

Since rehab it's been binges. I think the longest I've done was 2 weeks off but it's usually less than a week off then 2/3 days on go through my detox swear off drink forever only to find myself back on it. In most things I'm as determined as a mule my husband says I need to direct that determination towards stopping drinking. But I just can't seem too.

You're right all well and good to just say stop drinking. But like anything (and I know the over all affect on life is completely different health may be damaged but relationships usually aren't) I done slimming world a few years back and honestly change the word food for drink and they could be at an AA meeting they way some of the very over weight people spoke. And I did see many loose huge weight 11 odd stone or that that lady put it all back on. Now I saw others succeed. But it's not as simple as step away from the plate for a lot of overweight people. My own husband is brutal for snacking on high fat, high sugar/ salt food if he opens a big bag of something it's all gone in one sitting. I think it's kinda the same with drink. As much as I know I shouldn't and that it is damaging so much of my life I just can't. As I said above for people who don't have an issue with drink when you go on a diet and you're told you can't eat chocolate what's the only thing you want. That's what it is like for me with drink but I can only assume an even stronger pull.

Anyway sorry if this is to much information for some people but it's helping me just to write it down anyway.

They did for a little while around last Autumn. Ya I just need to get into the online system. I'll never find a sponsor that way but it most certainly cannot hurt to be attending meetings.

You know the 'funny' thing was I though alcoholics were drinking out of a paper bag under a bridge somewhere. they're not going by me and the most I've meet they're married with nice homes and good jobs. Addiction is addiction regardless of who you are. (I mostly meet women not sure if that matters) But maybe those poor souls never thought any rehab would have them. It's really opened my eyes and makes me more compassionate to someone that really does loose everything.

I spoke to my mam about moving in with her she thinks if it will help she is all for it. As I said she was a v heavy drinker in the day but she doesn't drink anymore and thankfully we have managed to form a great bond so she's said yes but there will be zero alcohol in the house if I do move in which is fair enough

Porklife wrote: »

Thank you for sharing your story Op. I'm so sorry you went through all of that. You are one strong resilient woman. Your story is similar to mine and really resonates with me. I used to go on drinking sessions with my dad too in a futile attempt to bond with him. He died from alcohol a few years ago. My mom sadly also died from alcohol poisoning. I grew up in a house where it was normal..well maybe not normal but expected and accepted to see my dad drinking a beer or my mom drinking vodka in the morning before school. It had a hugely profound effect on me when my mom died and I started hitting the bottle myself. Prior to that, i actually hated alcohol cos I could see the destruction it was causing around me. I rarely drank and hated seeing people drunk.
I can relate to your husband saying he doesn't know what he's coming home to but im also on the other side of the door cos im the one doing the drinking!
It really does creep up on you. I've started a few threads on here over the years about my struggle with alcohol. Its unbelievable how it tricks you each and every time and how despite being so nasty to us, we keep going back for more.
It's like an abusive relationship and you keep trying to win back the guys approval. You keep going back even though its destroying you.
I am in an abusive relationship with alcohol:)
I wish I could break up with him!

I don't have any solid advice Op and I hope you don't mind me telling you my story too, i just want you to know that you're not alone in this and that it's not your fault. I'm sending you virtual hugs and thoughts. You're gonna be ok, I promise. It's one step at a time and today that step was writing here. Keep on walking x

Thanks porklife I'm crying reading this. That other people grew up with the fear of what is coming that night. And that is not what what I want for my husband he does not deserve that. Sorrry starting to get very upset. Might sound easy to stop drink for some people but it is a huge step for me

I got one ladies number she is fab but going through her own stuff. So couldn't sponsor me.

Today has been very dark. Trying to talk. I don't want to. This pain is mine and doesn't need to be put on anyone. Yup sounds as dramatic to me. I'm a 30 year old who is letting her 12 year old angry self out