Wife has no friends...at all..is

LegacyUser · 22-07-2019 2:02pm #1

Hi
Regular poster going anon.
I've tried posting this here before but it never shows (not approved??)? If an admin has an issue could they list post anyhow and just say what might be wrong please?

My wife and I are both late 40s..one adult child each..have know each other 10 + years and married 2 years ago.
My wife has ZERO friends..like not one.
I have lots from different areas of my life.

All our socialising has always been with my friends.

I've obviously always known this fact but it's beginning to puzzle me.

We both work in good jobs.
She has lots of family in Dublin incl her adult child, but, even though she gets on well with them , we rarely see any of them.

My adult child lives abroad ( for a couple of years) and I see more of them than of my step child living not far away..

I am just curious is this normal ?? I find it strange...

woodchuck · 22-07-2019 5:07pm

Mod note:

OP can you please clarify if/how this is a personal issue for you?

If you're just looking for a general discussion to find out if it's unusual, then we'll have to lock the thread as we don't allow general discussion in PI/RI. There are other forums on boards for general discussions. But if her lack of friends is impacting on either of you and/or your relationship, then we can leave the thread open for posters to offer advice.

emilymemily · 22-07-2019 8:56pm

I wouldnt say its normal but it depends on how it impacts your wife, does she feel lonely or question why she doesn't have friends? Have you talked about it? It could be a very sensitive topic for her as theres allot of stigma around having no friends, she might feel embarrassed.

How is she when she's around your friends and your friends wives/girlfriends? Do they like her? do they usually want to hang out with you both again or do they avoid situations where she might be there?

Does she ever make an effort to see her son and her family? Would she visit them or ask them to visit her? Does she ever call or text them just to see how theyre doing or to say hi?

Its hard to say whats normal, whats normal for one person could be chaos for another, it depends on herself, is she happy living a friendless life?

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 22-07-2019 11:03pm

It's not really...usual but that doesn't mean it's bad.

If she has a string of broken friendships behind her, a few different groups of people who she's fallen out with then that's a bit of a red flag though I'd say. Are there any points of conflict with your friends or family?

You've known her ten years, you probably have a good grasp of how she is socially. Have you ever raised this with her at all? Obviously "How come you've no friends?" is a bit blunt, but when ye were doing wedding invitations and stuff did it not come up?

I was going to say "I can't think of anyone I know who has no friends" but that's a bit circular now I think of it

If it's not something that's directly causing or related to anything else negative (i.e. she's fallen out with your friends, you feel suffocated by being her only outlet) I wouldn't say you should worry unduly. If it's something that's just in and of itself bugging you then you COULD have that conversation with but by god tread carefully.

LegacyUser · 23-07-2019 8:44am

woodchuck wrote: »

Mod note:

OP can you please clarify if/how this is a personal issue for you?

If you're just looking for a general discussion to find out if it's unusual, then we'll have to lock the thread as we don't allow general discussion in PI/RI. There are other forums on boards for general discussions. But if her lack of friends is impacting on either of you and/or your relationship, then we can leave the thread open for posters to offer advice.

Hi OP here..
Thanks for approving topic..if you feel it's not appropriate then by all means move to other topic area.

As regards the 'issue' ..
No string of broken friendships just cant seem to keep connection with people.. I know she generally loves meeting my friends..but whereas my friends wives all get on and connect she doesn't seem to bother continuing to socialise with them..they all think she's lovely AFAIK
It leaves me organising all our social events .. feeling guilty when I want to go away / go out with my friends.. I have even cancelled trips and nights out as I know she'd be lonely at home. When I have work nights out I am asked 'can I come along'? I have a hobby which is generally a Sunday morning based activity and often dont go as I know she's home alone.
Basically I just feel restricted and wish she had friends to socialise with leaving me free to partake more in my hobbies.
I have debated discussing this with her but fear it could do more harm than good.
Reason for thread is to hear others opinions as to whether this could be 'normal' and I should just accept it ..

santana75 · 23-07-2019 10:59am

TheMopMan wrote: »

I have debated discussing this with her but fear it could do more harm than good.
Reason for thread is to hear others opinions as to whether this could be 'normal' and I should just accept it ..

I think you're doing the right thing Op. To press the issue would be to cause her pain and embarrassment. That said, you cant continue to enable her either. This is something she herself must face and deal with. I dont think the issue is whether or not its "normal", things happen in life and Im sure if you dug into her past you would find the reasons why she is in current predicament. And those reasons would be innocent, trust me, nobody sets out to end up with no friends, Im sure there is a well of pain at the source of it all. She still must deal with it though, face her pain and turn things around, which is most definitely possible. She'll have to leave her comfort zone, let go of her crutch(which is you)and head out into the world of social interaction and relationships. If she does that enough, and doesnt give up, she'll get the circle of friends eventually. But she'll need to face a lot of rejection, frustration, confusion, and difficulty along the way, which will be hard for her to deal with.

Sardonicat · 23-07-2019 12:49pm

santana75 wrote: »

I think you're doing the right thing Op. To press the issue would be to cause her pain and embarrassment. That said, you cant continue to enable her either. This is something she herself must face and deal with. I dont think the issue is whether or not its "normal", things happen in life and Im sure if you dug into her past you would find the reasons why she is in current predicament. And those reasons would be innocent, trust me, nobody sets out to end up with no friends, Im sure there is a well of pain at the source of it all. She still must deal with it though, face her pain and turn things around, which is most definitely possible. She'll have to leave her comfort zone, let go of her crutch(which is you)and head out into the world of social interaction and relationships. If she does that enough, and doesnt give up, she'll get the circle of friends eventually. But she'll need to face a lot of rejection, frustration, confusion, and difficulty along the way, which will be hard for her to deal with.

Face what, exactly? What well of pain? She gets on grand with people socially, people like her. She doesn't keep connections going, quite possibly because she doesn't want to or feel the need to. Some people are very self contained and self sufficient emotionally and don't feel the need for friends. This may be unusual, but it's not weird or 'abnormal '. If she's happy, well adjusted and content to be in her own company and not using her partner as an emotional crutch (and there's nothing from the OP to indicate she is doing this) then what harm?

SirChenjin · 23-07-2019 12:53pm

TheMopMan wrote: »

It leaves me organising all our social events .. feeling guilty when I want to go away / go out with my friends.. I have even cancelled trips and nights out as I know she'd be lonely at home. When I have work nights out I am asked 'can I come along'? I have a hobby which is generally a Sunday morning based activity and often dont go as I know she's home alone.
Basically I just feel restricted and wish she had friends to socialise with leaving me free to partake more in my hobbies.
I have debated discussing this with her but fear it could do more harm than good.
Reason for thread is to hear others opinions as to whether this could be 'normal' and I should just accept it ..

Friendships need nurturing and it seems that for some reason or other, she just doesn't do that. It is an issue if it's getting to the stage where you feel restricted in your own social life and pursuing your own hobby.

Is there anything she enjoys doing that would lead to interaction with others, separately from you? Maybe something she was involved in, in the past, and gave up doing.

It may well be a deep seated issue, lack of confidence, social anxiety etc which might not be visible on the surface. Or maybe she has just become comfortable with leaving you to organise everything.

Does she actually say she is lonely if you are going to be out in the evening? That might be your opportunity to broach the subject with her.

I hope that things work out.

LegacyUser · 23-07-2019 1:04pm

Some people can feel drained with social interaction . I certainly would not be saying it to her .
Would certainly help if she had a hobby that got her out more but you should be feeling guilty for doing your own thing now and then

Dial Hard · 23-07-2019 1:35pm

I couldn't be my partner's only social outlet, I would find it incredibly stifling and constraining and know I would eventually grow to resent them. In fact, I'm surprised it's taken you ten years to get to this point.

For what it's worth, I don't think it's normal to be a) so isolated and b) so uncomfortable in your own company that you ask your partner can you come along to their work nights and they feel they can't even participate in a weekly hobby because of you. If this is what she's actually doing (as opposed to you doing it because you *think* she's lonely) then she's laying an incredibly heavy and unfair burden on you.

You definitely need to speak to her. Hopefully she laughs her head off and tells you not to be daft, that she's perfectly fine on her own for a few hours while you go on your work night/engage in your hobby. But if she is actually genuinely that needy, I'm not sure it's behaviour that's going to change after ten years.

Best of luck with it.

ongarboy · 23-07-2019 5:30pm

If it has got to the stage where OP can't go on his Sunday morning hobby for a few hours because she can't be left alone, then there is a serious issue here. However, if this is just the OP's perception rather than the reality, then OP doesn't really know his wife very well. OP - you need to establish whether you going off for a few hours each Sunday is a problem for her. If it is, you need to address it rather than enable her. Any normal, well adjusted adult can cope a few hours alone. You depriving yourself of social outlets for fear it inconveniences her will only cause you to harbour resentment that will utimately negatively impact your relationship.

You could be way off base and as someone else said, she may find your concerns or assumptions amusing. If others find her OK and she is happy in her own company, then that is OK. If there are certain social situations where it is inappropriate or unexpected for her to attend (eg a golf outing exclusively made up of work mates or lads then you need to be firm that it is the wrong setting for her to participate. If it is a work gathering where other halves are encouraged to attend, then yes that would be appropriate for her to be part of. Certainly do not enable her dependencies as only you come out the loser her until it all becomes too much for you.

qwerty13 · 24-07-2019 1:24am

As others have said, if your partner is trying to encroach on your social outings, as in not let you have any of your own - well that’s worrying.

The wanting to go to your work outings rang bells with me. In my work place, it would be very unusual for partners to attend. It would be seen as a really strange thing if they did go. Maybe your workplace is not like that. If watch that.

Tbh I would find it strange that my partner has no friends. Surely you noticed this before now though??

emilymemily · 24-07-2019 1:28am

TheMopMan wrote: »

Hi OP here..
Thanks for approving topic..if you feel it's not appropriate then by all means move to other topic area.

As regards the 'issue' ..
No string of broken friendships just cant seem to keep connection with people.. I know she generally loves meeting my friends..but whereas my friends wives all get on and connect she doesn't seem to bother continuing to socialise with them..they all think she's lovely AFAIK
It leaves me organising all our social events .. feeling guilty when I want to go away / go out with my friends.. I have even cancelled trips and nights out as I know she'd be lonely at home. When I have work nights out I am asked 'can I come along'? I have a hobby which is generally a Sunday morning based activity and often dont go as I know she's home alone.
Basically I just feel restricted and wish she had friends to socialise with leaving me free to partake more in my hobbies.
I have debated discussing this with her but fear it could do more harm than good.
Reason for thread is to hear others opinions as to whether this could be 'normal' and I should just accept it ..

It's pretty selfish of her to expect you to be her only social outlet and leaving you in a position were you have to cancel social events and hobbies because of her. I couldn't imagine going along to a partner work nights or bringing along my partner to my own were other colleagues aren't bringing their other half's. It really sounds as though she wants to socialise but has difficulty separating her social life from yours.
What is stopping her from contacting your friends other half's? Could you encourage her to do so?

Addle · 24-07-2019 6:48am

I have 2 very good lifelong friends. I don’t see them often.
Then I have acquaintances, relatives and friends from work.

There are some people I don’t bother with anymore because I found them to be a drain.
I don’t need friends like I used to.
I don’t go out much anymore.

My OH is definitely more social than me.
But we’re independent.
I love when I have the house to myself and am happy with my own company.
He definitely doesn’t have to worry about leaving me alone.

I know women like your wife. Mothers who won’t even go to the supermarket without a kid because they can’t do anything on their own. They think I’m so odd for going for lunch on my own. And I think they’re odd!

Her being so dependent on you puts you both under different kinds of pressure.
Does she trust you?
Why is she so uneasy with her own company?

stop animal cruelty · 25-07-2019 2:19pm

Just want to say Addle your post is so refreshing to read.

Wife has no friends...at all..is

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