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Stressful older parent. Help.

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  • 13-06-2021 10:23pm
    #1
    flyton5
    Registered Users Posts: 1,112 ✭✭✭


    My dad is causing myself and my wife a lot of stress. I'm in my 30s and he's just turned 60, is separated and recently retired. He is constantly sending me WhatsApp messages, text messages and ringing me asking questions like, "any craic?" or "are you working today?". Pandemic be damned, he'll be asking me if I have any craic. If I don't respond to his messages he will call my phone 2-3 times a day. I've tried to explain to him that myself and my wife are busy with work and our lives and we don't talk to our closest friends more than once a week and that his constant attempts at contact is causing us stress.

    Despite the fact that he won't stop calling he will turn up at our house without asking us or letting us know he is calling out. I've told him a number of times that he has to ask before turning up as we regularly have plans or are busy. He will text numerous times a day to see if I have any craic but just turns up unannounced and expect us to drop everything. If we're not home he'll go to the side entrance of the house and greet our dogs. This winds the dogs up but also let's everyone know that we're not home and our dogs are. I'm afraid they'll be stolen as a result of his actions.

    I have gently suggested and outright stated but nothing is getting through to him. Do I have a third option?


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    #2
    Princess Calla
    Registered Users Posts: 5,808 ✭✭✭Princess Calla


    He's bored.

    He's not used to having free time.

    Is there a "mans shed" program in the area or walking groups? Try to find a hobby for him.


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    #3
    Caranica
    Registered Users Posts: 10,032 ✭✭✭✭Caranica


    It sounds to me as if he's lonely and/or bored. The men's shed suggestion is a good one, or maybe suggest he volunteer somewhere, or do a course of some sort.


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    #4
    Jequ0n
    Registered Users Posts: 6,062 ✭✭✭Jequ0n


    Get him a chewy toy?
    Joking aside, would he be interested in minding or waking your dogs while you are in work? Suggests itself really


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    #5
    Tails142
    Registered Users Posts: 2,106 ✭✭✭Tails142


    He could be dead next week and maybe you'd be sorry you didn't spend any time with him.


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    #6
    Smee_Again
    Registered Users Posts: 2,020 ✭✭✭Smee_Again


    Tails142 wrote: »
    He could be dead next week and maybe you'd be sorry you didn't spend any time with him.

    The dad needs to find some way to fill his time for his own sake as much as for the OP’s.


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    #7
    Hamachi
    Registered Users Posts: 2,433 ✭✭✭Hamachi


    Tails142 wrote: »
    He could be dead next week and maybe you'd be sorry you didn't spend any time with him.

    Whilst a little extreme, this chimes with me.

    OP, I get that your Dad is doing your head in, but try not to lose the rag with him. One of my own parents is dying right now and I keep running over all the silly arguments we had and not spending enough time really getting to know them. Your Dad sounds bored and lonely. Try to help him find some activity that keeps him occupied and make some time for him yourself. You never know when he’ll be gone for good.


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    #8
    khaldrogo
    Registered Users Posts: 1,572 ✭✭✭khaldrogo


    As someone who just recently lost their father I would say give him some leaway

    flyton5 wrote: »
    My dad is causing myself and my wife a lot of stress. I'm in my 30s and he's just turned 60, is separated and recently retired. He is constantly sending me WhatsApp messages, text messages and ringing me asking questions like, "any craic?" or "are you working today?". Pandemic be damned, he'll be asking me if I have any craic. If I don't respond to his messages he will call my phone 2-3 times a day. I've tried to explain to him that myself and my wife are busy with work and our lives and we don't talk to our closest friends more than once a week and that his constant attempts at contact is causing us stress.

    Despite the fact that he won't stop calling he will turn up at our house without asking us or letting us know he is calling out. I've told him a number of times that he has to ask before turning up as we regularly have plans or are busy. He will text numerous times a day to see if I have any craic but just turns up unannounced and expect us to drop everything. If we're not home he'll go to the side entrance of the house and greet our dogs. This winds the dogs up but also let's everyone know that we're not home and our dogs are. I'm afraid they'll be stolen as a result of his actions.

    I have gently suggested and outright stated but nothing is getting through to him. Do I have a third option?


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    #9
    Larbre34
    Registered Users Posts: 23,842 ✭✭✭✭Larbre34


    Tails142 wrote: »
    He could be dead next week and maybe you'd be sorry you didn't spend any time with him.

    Possibly the least helpful response ever seen on Boards. And that's saying something.

    To the OP, tough love is required here. A very frank one to one conversation with no taboos about boundaries and limits. And consequences.

    Stop engaging with calls and texts during your work day and lead the new behaviour that way.


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    #10
    JustAThought
    Registered Users Posts: 5,323 ✭✭✭JustAThought


    He’s bored and lonely and dosn’t know how to fill in his time other than with his family. Can he use the internet? Introduce him to MeetUp. LOTS of new people and different types of clubs and interests to engage him there - dinner clubs, festivals, film clubs, exploring Dublin, hillwalking, trips & ‘adventure’ days. Combine this with maybe not replying immediately on the phone or not picking up the whatsapp until after working hours - he can see the viewed notification. Also maybe he needs to be appreciated and useful - organisations like Foróige are always looking for male leaders and mentors. Maybe do some googling & sign him up. Maybe also have a Dads night out once a week so he dosn’t get too lonely. He’s still young - this could last 10 or 15 years...


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    #11
    JustAThought
    Registered Users Posts: 5,323 ✭✭✭JustAThought


    I’m not sure what the job he used do was but are there transferrable skills there he can use to volunteer with?

    Also maybe join up or volunteer in community based organisation like the Civil Defense - not aure what their age cap is - but ‘notmally’ they have lots of events they are involved in most weekends - lots of variety and scope and different people but a club like athmosphere where he’d get to bond and make friends but be doing something different a lot of the time & it’d be lively and varied and bloke dominated. 60 and fit is young enough yet.

    I guess you don’t want him dropping over all the time to walk the dogs cos then he’d settle in for the evening. He needs to spread his wings and explore whats out there & find a selection that interests him with available people whose would be good craic & company and who are not tied down to a job & their partner.


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    #12
    Neyite
    Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    Take control of the visits by allocating him one evening per week to call over, or you bring him out for a pint or do a hobby together, or just to walk the dogs. You'll soon establish a regular routine and he'll calm down with the visits a bit.

    Can you be direct with him and tell him he needs to find some things to fill his days - hobbies, activities or volunteering if he's feeling at a loose end. There's bound to be something that will interest him?


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    #13
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Arrange an activity to do (even just to call over) for a set time each week. Golf or pitch and putt would be ideal. He will make friends there are start getting the practice in himself with new friends so he can hammer you at the weekend. Plus all the "news" and that can be saved for Saturday morning or whenever when he knows he will see you. You can deflect stuff by saying "sure we will talk on Saturday".

    Go easy on him OP he hasn't really done anything too wrong here. This is quite common for men who have retired, its a bit of "finally I'm retired and can spend more time with family!" and they don't really have time for him. In your case he doesn't have a spouse and his son doesn't really want him calling round. It's a sad state of affairs. This is how aul lads become alcoholics and fall apart after retiring. Do you have kids? If so send them around to grandads and evening a week and have some time to yourself.


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    #14
    zoobizoo
    Registered Users Posts: 2,714 ✭✭✭zoobizoo


    You could pre-empt him weekly by messaging him on a Monday with

    "Hey dad, I'm working 9 to 5 every day this week so let's meet up Tuesday evening for a catch up"

    Then on Tuesdays you say "I'll see you Thursday for a walk".

    He is obviously lonely and bored and he needs something to look forward to. .. something like a walk/chat would give him that.

    Does he have any friends who aren't working? Or who can meet him every few evenings.

    Does he read? Buy him books....

    Does he have hobbies or interests?

    Does he have a dog of his own.?

    Are there grandkids he can look after, drop off, pick up?

    It is unfair of him to be in touch so often but rather than get stressed out, help him to keep busy.


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    #15
    kerryjack
    Registered Users Posts: 1,557 ✭✭✭kerryjack


    It's a bit sad really but I can totally get it OP and I am surprised he hasn't gotten the hint, set of golf clubs and off with him he only 60 should have a lot of living to do yet or you could use him for free baby sitting or painting or taxi or whatever, This tread makes me think I must get a life myself outside the family and I must get back on that golf course ASAP.


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    #16
    Ellie2008
    Registered Users Posts: 1,123 ✭✭✭Ellie2008


    Hi OP,

    Your dad is clearly a lonely man. Some of your wording is very harsh - “our lives”, “our closest friends”. Unless there is more to the story I’d expect you to prioritise your father over your friends & to see him as part of your life. It comes across as if you see your wife as your family but less so your father. The bit about the dogs is so OTT.

    Your dad seems to have some boundary issues & others have made good suggestions. Let him know when suits you to meet - invite him to dinner once a week etc. Have a frank conversation with him, tell him he has your support but he can’t text, then call, then call over. But I wouldn’t mention “our lives”, “our closer friends”. He is part of your life, don’t dismiss him.


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    #17
    tara73
    Registered Users Posts: 2,341 ✭✭✭tara73


    it's very odd behaviour and we have overall very little to go on here.

    I presume your mum isn't there anymore? if yes, is she gone recently? Could explain his despair.
    was he always like this, this pushy and not accepting boundaries / limits or is it a new trait in him? Depending on this answer, could it be he's developing some form of health issues, like early stage of dementia?

    You wrote he just turned 60, it's not old at all, he actually could still work at that age, why isn't he if he seems so bored with his life?


    Edit: just read he's recently separated. but all other points still stand.


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    #18
    HalloweenJack
    Registered Users Posts: 7,074 ✭✭✭HalloweenJack


    OP, you'll get people telling you that blood is thicker than water and that you only have one father, etc. but that is quite harmful, imo. You shouldn't ignore your feelings just because this person is your relative. It all depends on the relationship each individual has with their parents.

    As you have pointed out, this issue is stressful for you and you need to nip it in the bud. Its great that he wants to spend his free time with you but he also needs to understand that you have your own life and you don't have as much free time. Just because you're available in the evenings, it doesn't mean you have to spend that time with him. You have a right to relax and rest and he should understand it.

    You should try to work on a compromise. Make it clear that you aren't able to be there for him as much as he needs and to guide him in the direction of outlets that will be better for him. Point out that you don't like him turning up unannojnced and that he's upsetting the dogs by doing so. I think its important to set boundaries early on before a pattern sets in.

    Some of the suggestions here should be approached like having him help walk the dogs in the evening but at the same time, don't feel like you need to drop everything to be there for him.

    He may not be used to being alone and with so much free time but its not your responsibility to fill it for him. Its quite selfish to think that you should (that's only if he thinks that, I know you haven't said so, it's a leap on my part).

    But it's important to address the issue and don't ignore it or go soft on him just because it's your father.


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