My friend isn't there for me through my break up - time to move on?

The Young Wan · 11-06-2021 10:23am #1

I am going through a break up at the moment, and am obviously at the stage where I need as many friends and loved ones around me as possible. I unfortunately don't feel supported by one particular friend.

We have known each other since school, and she has recently made hints that she considers me her best friend. I don't know if I see each other as close as that anymore, as we have grown up and I've moved away, and we both have other friend circles. But she is still someone I would consider a good friend.

What concerned me is that since I told her about the break up she has been lately absent. I've had a couple of texts to ask how I am, but nothing really concrete. The most was she told me " I'm off X day and X day if you can come to *city where she lives*" but on those days I will be either already doing something, or going back to where I live now.

It's particularly standing out to me because I feel a lot of people I know for a shorter time period or not as well, have offered me their phone number and have checked in a lot more, have sent me gifts to keep me occupied and let me know they're thinking of me. Since I came to my parents, two other friends have gone out of their way to come to where I am from where they live (one in the same city my friend lives, which is three hours away) to spend time with me. I don't feel that level of support from her.

I am aware people have things going on. My friend is going through a job change, and I know that can be stressful and time consuming. But I do feel a little. . . I don't know, like I need her there through this time.

Should I bring this up? Or just let it lie and accept that isn't the kind of friendship we have?

eviltwin · 11-06-2021 10:28am

I don't know what more you want. She has checked in with you and has offered to meet up with you, its not her fault you just happen to have other plans those days. I think its lovely you have had people visit and send gifts but I don't think that you should expect that level of involvement especially given she has other pressures in her life at the moment.

She obviously is thinking of you. I'm not sure what you want her to do.

The Young Wan · 11-06-2021 10:32am

eviltwin wrote: »

I don't know what more you want. She has checked in with you and has offered to meet up with you, its not her fault you just happen to have other plans those days. I think its lovely you have had people visit and send gifts but I don't think that you should expect that level of involvement especially given she has other pressures in her life at the moment.

She obviously is thinking of you. I'm not sure what you want her to do.

I think just what I wanted was some kind of check in. I don't feel like she has really since I came back home. But, like you said, she has her own life to live.

Thank you.

HotMama89 · 11-06-2021 10:36am

I think your being a bit harsh on your friend OP. Everyone deals with breakups differently maybe she thinks you want a bit of space to process it. You said you have gone back to your parents maybe she has offered you to visit her as a break away and somewhere different to take your mind off things.

meeeeh · 11-06-2021 10:46am

I think you are reeling from the break up and might feel loss or anger a bit more strongly than usual. If you fall out with her because of that you might regret it later when things are not that intense. I have a rule not to reply to emails that annoy me on the same day. I think something similar should apply here just for longer period.

I don't think your friend did anything particularly wrong and you stated yourself you have different circles of friends and don't see each other as often as before.

Thelonious Monk · 11-06-2021 12:28pm

Breakups might seem to be the end of the world to the person going through it, but the reality is other people aren't going to care as much and if anything they're probably glad it's over for you because they knew it wasn't working anyway.
Most of us have been through a breakup and know that after a period of time the breakup and previous relationship are completely irrelevant and life goes on.
Sounds like she's there for you somewhat, be grateful of that, but this is a journey you have to go solo for the most part.

ztoical · 11-06-2021 12:49pm

I've never sent a friend a gift cus of a break up or even a divorce. I'd be like your friend, I'd let you know when I was free if you wanted to hang out but I'm really at a loss as to what you expect them to do. I know the breakup is everything for you right now but its not for other people. I'm sorry its a hard time for you OP but be careful you don't throw friends away as a result.

LegacyUser · 11-06-2021 12:55pm

I think you're being unreasonable.

She hasn't been absent - you said it yourself, she has checked in by asking more than once how you are getting on and has offered to meet up. Why do you feel you are entitled to more than this? Have you reached out to her to talk about the break up? If you want something, just ask. She's not a mind reader.

She lives three hours away. That's a six hour round trip. You're unhappy that she "the most" she offered that you come to where she lives. You can't just expect her to just drop everything.

Other friends have came to meet you, and even given you gifts; that's nice and all but you were not entitled to any of that and it's a bit messed up to judge all your friends by that standard.

Tork · 11-06-2021 12:59pm

Have you tried calling her up and having an actual conversation with her? She isn't a mind-reader and maybe she's tiptoeing around you because she isn't sure how to handle this? By nature, some people are quicker to step in and offer help etc. Others aren't but that doesn't mean that they're less caring or not as interested in helping. I think you should call her up later on and have a chat. That'll be far more constructive than stewing over texts and trying to figure out what's going on.

Big Bag of Chips · 11-06-2021 1:05pm

Your expectations of your friends are far too high! She has checked in with you. She has told you when she's available turns out YOU'RE not available on those particular days. That's not her problem. Have you left your job and moved home? She's still working and doesn't live close to you.

You moved abroad and other people got on with their lives. Your break up is tough for you, but it's not tough for others. You seem to have more than supportive friends around you, visiting, giving gifts? It all sounds quite dramatic!

Do you want gifts from your friend? She has offered for you to come see her. You've declined. I think ball is now in your court. You're the one at a loose end. You shouldn't expect her to give up her annual leave, or weekends to travel 3 hours to see you. If she was around that area anyway, maybe. If not, and you want to see her it's up to you to go to her

Dog day · 11-06-2021 1:14pm

Sorry OP but I agree with other posters in that you’re being unreasonable.

Your friend has made efforts to support you. I think you’re understandably feeling sensitive at the moment.

You’ve noted your friend has changed jobs but equally you don’t know what else may be going on in her life.

Also the tittle ‘best friend’ can be somewhat loaded & with the greatest of respect juvenile as we move into adulthood. In my experience the lucky amongst us have different friends for different things & if we’re even luckier a few ‘all rounders’ there with us (within reason!) through thick & thin. I’m sorry you’re going through a break up, it’s tough, most of us have been there but why spend negative energy on unfairly judging someone who has infact made an effort. It sounds like you have a lot of support, why not embrace that & be grateful for it. All the best.

TheadoreT · 11-06-2021 1:17pm

This is being incredibly precious. You're almost making an event of your supposed grief and have bizarre expectations of how others should live up to those based on length of time they've known you.

YellowLead · 11-06-2021 1:26pm

I’m going to echo what other posters have said and say that your expectations of your friend are ridiculous. She has texted you and offered to be available should you want to come see her.

She is going through a job change - that is seriously mentally exhausting and she simply doesn’t have the headspace to be giving you the kind of attention you seek. Have you asked HER how she is getting on with that?

I’ve never heard of gift giving due to a breakup, so I don’t think that’s a standard to judge anyone against. Fair enough some of your other friends have gone the extra mile but everybody is different - some have more free time than others, some are less stressed themselves, and some just handle emotional situations differently.

But I hope you get back on your feet and over the worst of the break up soon OP, i know it’s not easy.

vikings2012 · 11-06-2021 2:27pm

Hi OP

Going through a break up can create an irrational mindset.

I think it’s wrong to compare your friend to others. I don’t think sending gifts to an adult after a breakup is the norm but of course it’s a lovely gesture.

How did you expect your ‘best friend’ to respond to news of your break up ? What did you want her to do/give?

All the best

Xterminator · 11-06-2021 2:50pm

Hi OP

there is no template for how to help your friend through a breakup.

I don't know where you get your expectations, but it does appear to me and to virtually all the posters here, that you are looking for is unreasonable, irrational and if you make an issue of it may cost you a valuable friendship.

Go and spend the time with your friend if you want to, and rekindle it. Cherish the relationships you have at this time.

Zebrag · 11-06-2021 5:50pm

Hi OP

Your anger and loss from your relationship seems to be festering onto this friendship. You feel this friend isn't physically or emotionally there for you when you feel you need them the most but they've done exactly what was needed, checked up on you. Unfortunately the arranged days that you weren't able to do which is also called life and sometimes we cant meet those we want too on days we are busy but that doesn't mean we care more or less of someone, it's just the way it is.

However I will say, although you're going through a break up and others have checked in, sent gifts and met up with you, said friend might be going through their own life issues and is maybe feeling a bit lost as to how to approach you. While all is fine in that aspect and you might feel "well I actually need X the most", maybe go the same route and give them a shout and see if they want to meet another day. It's a two way street after all and although you might feel your friend isn't there for you, your friend might be on the "I won't ask or say too much" fence.

Lack of communication on their part might have a genuine reason and you won't know unless you don't ask. I've gathered at the minute your head isn't in the correct space to worry about others as you're upset yourself but I think it might be a slight low communication based on your friend thinking you might want to keep to yourself.

If this isn't the case and said friend genuinely doesn't really care, then I would focus on who IS around you and who DOES care and hold onto those.

Give your friend a ring a ask if they want to meet on X day. There's no point in adding extra stress and worry when you're already going through a break up. Be caucious that your upset might collide with receiving lack or wrong attention and you could potentially be reading this all wrong and find yourself into a situation where you could lose your friend altogether.

Good luck OP

Rubberchikken · 12-06-2021 4:31pm

I'd be similar to your friend I'm afraid. Sorry for what someone's going through and while I'd text that I wouldn't have the time or energy for much more.

It is tough to be going through a break up but hopefully your other friends and family will be there to support you.

Pac1Man · 12-06-2021 4:31pm

Hopefully the raft of aligned responses will help you see things clearer. This is your issue to solve and nothing to do with your friend. You cannot hold her accountable for something she had no involvement in. Think logically.

RurtBeynolds · 12-06-2021 7:50pm

Jesus OP, you're going through a break up, not fighting a flesh eating disease, get a grip of yourself.

bucketybuck · 12-06-2021 7:55pm

What have you done for her?

Have you ever dropped everything to travel home to help her out with something?

leggo · 12-06-2021 8:58pm

I hope you aren't taking the comments too harshly OP, I agree with the direction and think they've been fair, but also I do sympathise with what's probably making you feel that way.

One of the big things I suffer with with break-ups is 'the void', i.e. those times throughout your day/week where you'd usually talk to or spend time with your ex. So my personal way of helping friends out is by being available to fill the void for them and be their daily texter where they can tell the little things from their day from work etc they probably would've just told their partner, that kinda thing.

It sounds like that's what you're looking for here and what's grating you is that your friend gave you certain times when they were available (which you could've also read as 'I'm not available outside of these times', whether true or not). What I think you need to identify here is that:

1) Different people help in different ways: And these ways are usually in place for good reason, because we learn what works in the past and what hasn't, what we're good at and what we struggle with etc. Like I have a pair of mates who are a couple and they compliment each other perfectly during crisis times: the girl is great to talk to, analyse and understand everything, the lad is great for going for a pint and forgetting about it. She has her own way. Instead of expecting her to do certain things she mightn't want to or be good at, instead learn what she is (based off what she's offering) then use her for that and use others for other aspects.

2) You may be projecting your frustration at 'the void' onto your friend: When things are raw post-break-up, we can feel and think certain things that we later look back on and go "What was I at?!" in hindsight. Think of, say, people who break-up with absolute nightmares but, in the few days after, desperately want them back until they get some headspace. You're in a position of need right now, you admit this yourself. You're perhaps unfairly expecting your friend to fill that, but the truth is what you're probably angry at is feeling alone and unsupported. That's all part of a break-up, though. It sucks, but it is, and it's not your friend's fault or job to protect you from these emotions...in fact experiencing and working through them is how we move on healthily. So you may not feel this way down the line and I think it'd be a bad idea to bring this up in case it has further consequences you're not happy with.

3) You also may not be taking into account your impact on others at times like these: Did you ever have a friend, family member or partner who was deadly day-to-day, but an absolute nightmare patient at times they were ill? They probably wouldn't think of themselves that way, but they are. I have had a couple of friends I had to push away from whenever they went through a break-up, because they became a LOT to deal with in crisis times. It wasn't that I didn't care, I did and I'd offer help, but it was that their expectations of me was far too much or their impact on me was something I wasn't emotionally able for. That isn't to say you're a nightmare and need to cop on, maybe you're fine, or maybe the way you deal with things has a negative impact on your friend without you realising and she needs to put a boundary in place for her own benefit. If that's the case and you care about her, respect that. It's not like you need to change, just similar to above, instead use people who are better suited to this and happy to go through it all with you.

JustAThought · 14-06-2021 1:19am

They say moving house,
moving job and a (marriage) breakup are the 3 most stressful ‘normal’ things in life. You are enduring one and she is enduring the other. People can have a limited capacity for stress and drama - particularly if they are going through a lot of stress themselves at the time. Your post reads very self -centeredly - you want as many people around you as you can have - what about her/him? Any comment on what they need at the moment or happiness or consideration for them in their new job and all the pressures, expectations and internal demands this is putting on them? They have said you are very important to them and that they consider you highly as a friend - yet you shrug this off and put them in a tier two friend category and yet complain they they’re not bending over backwards for you and your needs. You don’t come across great in this. What do you expect them to do - drive 6 hours to spend an hour with you, courier you teddybears or chocolates? They care, this should be enough - or do you want to monologue with everyone you know about your breakup and if
they don’t or can’t emotionally offer you this facility you kick them from the friendship
podium and discard them? Not great behaviour or logic on your part. No doubt you are hurting and you want to be soft stroked, hand held and bestowed with gifts by ALL your friends and surrounded by crowds of well wishers and groupies you can dissect your lovelife and past relationship with - but really - if she has a high pressure situation herself and is focusing on making that a success and dealing with her own stress, she deserves better from you as her friend than to be just discounted or discarded.

LegacyUser · 14-06-2021 6:24am

Hi OP,

I felt compelled to write due to my own life experience.

When I was younger I went through a break-up where I felt i suppose entitled to be endlessly supported by others.

I think some of your feelings towards your friend is misdirected anger. But as others have said somewhat bluntly you need to look at your expectations. You are being very very unreasonable. Your friend has been in touch and as you have alluded to is busy herself. If you throw her friendship away over this it’s your loss & Id wager you’ll live to regret it. So please don’t OP. Get some perspective. You may be broken hearted but no one has died, life goes on. Your friends have their own lives, respect that & be grateful for those friendships. If you nourish your friendships your life will be much richer for it.

SnuggyBear · 14-06-2021 9:26am

No offence but the world doesn't revolve around you. She has her own stuff going on.

My friend isn't there for me through my break up - time to move on?

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