My partner finding it hard to make time for us

LegacyUser · 19-06-2021 2:00pm #1

Hi all, anonymous for this one.

I'm with my current partner almost 6 months, this after nearly two years casual dating. We are very much in love and I really hope to find some guidance on this relationship stumbling block we've come across. Firstly let me say she's seperated, three kids, works long hours and ex is gone to the wind so she's doing everything single handed. I do help out at times but at the end of the day there are things only a parent can do with kids.

Our relationship was great up until she returned to work early may after covid restrictions allowed. Don't get me wrong we still have a great relationship apart from one thing that's starting to wear me out, but I'm willing to try my hardest to work through it as I wouldn't consider it a reason to walk away from our relationship.

Basically she works long shifts, every minute in-between she is spending doing housework, spending with her kids, and by the time she had everything done she's lucky to get 6 hours sleep every night. Before anyone thinks I'm not fully tuned in to being in a relationship with a single mother, I fully understand her kids always come first and I've told her this several times. Now to finally get to the point, I've asked her several times to try find a few hours here and there for us, every time I do she breaks down into tears and says she want's to spend every spare minute she has with her kids as they have only her. I've tried explaining to her that I'm only asking for a little time once and a while to maybe grab a drink, go for a long walk or go for a meal, but every time she say's she just hasn't the time. It's starting to hurt me a little and feel like I'm literally begging her for some time for us, it feels like my needs are last priority for her. I also lead a busy life with kids of my own but I still do my best to find time for us. I just don't know how to approach it with her without it turning into me looking needy. I love her very much and she loves me, I do understand she has minimal if any free time but surely a relationship needs a little time out once in a while. Any advice would be appreciated and please don't say end this relationship now because she doesn't care, I want to work through this just figure a way to help her see beyond having to do everything and she also needs the time out for herself as well as us as a couple

AmberAmber · 19-06-2021 2:21pm

Can you visit her house and cook dinner for her and family and do some house work for her ?

LegacyUser · 19-06-2021 2:29pm

AmberAmber wrote: »

Can you visit her house and cook dinner for her and family and do some house work for her ?

I do this regularly, I stay overnight when she has early shift and when she comes home I have lunch cooked and hoovering etc done

Big Bag of Chips · 19-06-2021 2:50pm

I think it's time to ask her what she's looking for from you. You say you were casual for 2 years. That seems an awful long time to be casual.

You need to ask her has she time for a proper relationship. Rather than just casual. If she hasn't time, or isn't willing to try make time then maybe you need to consider that this isn't the relationship for you and you move on to try find someone more suitable.

It's not fair on you if she wants to stay "in a relationship" without actually being in the relationship.

Tork · 19-06-2021 3:06pm

You being casual for 2 years is ringing an alarm bell or two for me. Who was it who pushed for you to be "official" after all this time? Was it you, by any chance?

LegacyUser · 19-06-2021 3:12pm

Tork wrote: »

You being casual for 2 years is ringing an alarm bell or two for me. Who was it who pushed for you to be "official" after all this time? Was it you, by any chance?

We were casual because we were both ending relationships and wanted closure before we decided to go full into relationship.

qwerty13 · 19-06-2021 4:33pm

“I’ve asked her several times to try find a few hours here and there for us, every time I do she breaks down into tears and says she want's to spend every spare minute she has with her kids as they have only her. I've tried explaining to her that I'm only asking for a little time once and a while to maybe grab a drink, go for a long walk or go for a meal, but every time she say's she just hasn't the time.”

OP, you already have your answer. She has said no to finding time for you, not once, but “every time”. It seems to me that you will only see her on her terms, which seems to involve you doing housework for her. This doesn’t sound like a relationship to me at all - it sounds like situation that will eat away at you and constantly disappoint you. I think you should strongly consider ending this ‘relationship’.

YellowLead · 19-06-2021 4:52pm

I suppose OP it comes down to do you both meet each other’s needs or not.

I understand it’s hard dating with kids, especially when both parties have kids as scheduling can be tricky. But plenty of people make it work.

She is choosing to spend all her free time with her kids, nothing wrong with that, but clearly there isn’t room in her life to do anything beyond casual dating and she should really be clear about that.

I don’t think there is any advice anybody can give to you, to make her make more time for you - either she sees you as a priority or she does not. You’ve tried to talk to her about it and she gave you her answer.

I can’t see a way here other than to end the relationship as clearly she cannot give you the time you need in a relationship - there are others who will.

Also - maybe I’m miss understanding but you guys started being casual when you were ending relationships with others - so it was sort of born out of cheating/rebound type thing? I could be wrong on that, but neither of you had time to be single first.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser · 19-06-2021 5:46pm

YellowLead wrote: »

I suppose OP it comes down to do you both meet each other’s needs or not.

I understand it’s hard dating with kids, especially when both parties have kids as scheduling can be tricky. But plenty of people make it work.

She is choosing to spend all her free time with her kids, nothing wrong with that, but clearly there isn’t room in her life to do anything beyond casual dating and she should really be clear about that.

I don’t think there is any advice anybody can give to you, to make her make more time for you - either she sees you as a priority or she does not. You’ve tried to talk to her about it and she gave you her answer.

I can’t see a way here other than to end the relationship as clearly she cannot give you the time you need in a relationship - there are others who will.

Also - maybe I’m miss understanding but you guys started being casual when you were ending relationships with others - so it was sort of born out of cheating/rebound type thing? I could be wrong on that, but neither of you had time to be single first.

Best of luck.

Sorry, maybe I wasn’t clear, I spend most nights with her staying over, we chat, watch TV, sleep in same bed etc. What I’m missing is the one on one time together out of house and without either her or my kids, a simple date night every once in a while.

Rubberchikken · 19-06-2021 5:53pm

Can you arrange a takeaway/tv/whatever for after the kids are in bed? I know it's not much but a start.
If as others have said you're the one giving i.e. hoovering/cooking then maybe a talk/honesty is called for.

It's good that her focus is her children just as yours are for you, but if she wants this relationship to advance then a conversation is needed.

YellowLead · 19-06-2021 5:58pm

Confusedlove1155 wrote: »

Sorry, maybe I wasn’t clear, I spend most nights with her staying over, we chat, watch TV, sleep in same bed etc. What I’m missing is the one on one time together out of house and without either her or my kids, a simple date night every once in a while.

Yep I totally miss interpreted your post.
Your problem is similar to a married couple with kids so - no kid free time.
Does she have family or friends nearby who could watch the kids. Or a babysitter once they are in bed?
Agree with other poster about making date nights at home - flowers/wine/movie/take away.

How did you have time to casually date for two years???what did that involve?
Or was that all in her house too, and hence what’s the difference now?

TheadoreT · 19-06-2021 7:36pm

I think confusion comes in relationships when one party isn't fully committed. It sounds like the casual lifestyle suited her better and she's regretting the decision to be more serious, although it's quite difficult to tell whats different!?

I'm sure there's relatives or a babysitter you could hire once in a while if she was genuinely bothered about your needs. Generally when we're interested in maintaining a relationship we'll compromise, she hasn't.

It doesn't sound like you're all too ready to listen to your own instincts about this. You're asking for advise on how to make someone prioritise you more, nobody here can convince her to do that. All you can do is express your needs clearly to her, and if they're not/can't be met have the convictions to leave, becuase if its this difficult in the honeymoon period of being official, it's probably likely it won't get any better.

Meeoow · 19-06-2021 8:03pm

Maybe she doesn't have the money to pay a babysitter. Who minds the kids when she works? If it's family, maybe she doesn't want to ask them to mind them at the weekends too.
Has she put on weight over lockdown? Maybe her going out clothes are tight and she doesn't want to go out. Could be something simple like that.
I just took a spin through town, and there were queues outside some of the pubs. I honestly couldn't be bothered with that. Maybe she just doesn't want to go out until more restrictions lift, or she could be wary of Covid.

Big Bag of Chips · 19-06-2021 8:32pm

I assume you don't have full custody of your children. So you get free time when they're with their mother. She doesn't get that same time because she doesn't have another parent who can take them.

You are effectively living with her, and her children. So very much like any other couple who live together and have children - Free time is rare. If she bursts into tears at the thoughts of leaving them she is obviously carrying huge guilt at the fact that she is a single parent.

I think you need to make the most of your nights in. Did your relationship start as an affair? Is it continuing because you both think you need to make it work because of how it started?

If it's not what you really want then you should walk away. She is a single mother with 100% responsibility for her children. You may be able to talk her round and ease some of her guilt of leaving them with someone else. But if she is really unwilling to budge, you need to decide if you're happy with that.

bottlebrush · 19-06-2021 8:47pm

Sounds like you're doing as much as you can but if the children are very young this situation could go on for a good few years more. If you're not looking for advice to end it then it looks like you'll need to accept it as it is.

notAMember · 19-06-2021 9:24pm

You have meals there, stay over.

We are still in a pandemic. You are talking about going out somewhere, so you would need to get a babysitter. Babysitters tend to be teens or early 20’s. Non-vaccinated.

I think the expectations are understandable, but impractical.

spaceHopper · 20-06-2021 9:39am

All of this in the middle of covid.
You have your own kids too and have to spend time with them, you can't put your ex under the same pressure your GF is under, you can see it's not fair on her. How old are the kids I'm guessing young, as they get older it will get easier. Also as the vaccine rollout happens too. You'll be able to get a babysitter.

Could she afford or would she let you pay for cleaner, getting on top of family washing would be a help too. She's under a lot of pressure and you are only adding to it. You are getting to spend lots of time with her, OK the kids are around but find ways of having some time to yourselves without leaving the house. Have a nice breakfast in garden. Go to a forest park with a picnic and let them run off. This is what it is for the next few years kids are had work you need to wait it out.

osarusan · 20-06-2021 9:43am

I feel sorry for both of you.

You are in a relationship with somebody you love, but just not getting the time you need.

She is upset as she can see you are not getting what you need (and what she needs too I am sure) but she just can't find a way to make that happen.

As others have said, it may be a case of waiting it out, if you can.

20-06-2021 9:15pm

confusedlove1155 wrote: »

Hi all, anonymous for this one.

I'm with my current partner almost 6 months, this after nearly two years casual dating. We are very much in love and I really hope to find some guidance on this relationship stumbling block we've come across. Firstly let me say she's seperated, three kids, works long hours and ex is gone to the wind so she's doing everything single handed. I do help out at times but at the end of the day there are things only a parent can do with kids.

My gut reaction when I read this is your partner is experiencing what feels like a post-separation form of parental guilt that those who are left to parent alone can take on board themselves when the other parent abandons the children. The pressure of that can weigh very heavily on someone's shoulders.

She told you she feels she is the "only one her kids have" and on top of that she is working full time. That's a lot of pressure on her shoulders and I'd put good money on it that she feels a lot of negativity / anxiety about lots of things in her life, including her work and how good of a parent she is and how her kids are coping with everything. It can lead to overcompensation with the kids, while neglecting herself. She probably also worries about what kind of a partner she is being to you.

Hence the bursting into tears when you bring up making more time for you. It must all feel like more pressure and something else she is "failing" at.

I've no doubt you love her and she loves you, but I don't know how you can resolve that. But applying more pressure is not going to achieve what you want. More likely the opposite, which I think would be a shame.

You just need to continue being supportive, reassure her that she is a good mother and her kids are doing fine, and maybe suggest (kindly) that taking an evening off once a month and getting a babysitter and going out, even if just to the cinema or for a coffee now things are opening up, would be good for her, and you both as a couple.

ILoveYourVibes · 21-06-2021 1:09pm

confusedlove1155 wrote: »

Hi all, anonymous for this one.

I'm with my current partner almost 6 months, this after nearly two years casual dating. We are very much in love and I really hope to find some guidance on this relationship stumbling block we've come across. Firstly let me say she's seperated, three kids, works long hours and ex is gone to the wind so she's doing everything single handed. I do help out at times but at the end of the day there are things only a parent can do with kids.

Our relationship was great up until she returned to work early may after covid restrictions allowed. Don't get me wrong we still have a great relationship apart from one thing that's starting to wear me out, but I'm willing to try my hardest to work through it as I wouldn't consider it a reason to walk away from our relationship.

Basically she works long shifts, every minute in-between she is spending doing housework, spending with her kids, and by the time she had everything done she's lucky to get 6 hours sleep every night. Before anyone thinks I'm not fully tuned in to being in a relationship with a single mother, I fully understand her kids always come first and I've told her this several times. Now to finally get to the point, I've asked her several times to try find a few hours here and there for us, every time I do she breaks down into tears and says she want's to spend every spare minute she has with her kids as they have only her. I've tried explaining to her that I'm only asking for a little time once and a while to maybe grab a drink, go for a long walk or go for a meal, but every time she say's she just hasn't the time. It's starting to hurt me a little and feel like I'm literally begging her for some time for us, it feels like my needs are last priority for her. I also lead a busy life with kids of my own but I still do my best to find time for us. I just don't know how to approach it with her without it turning into me looking needy. I love her very much and she loves me, I do understand she has minimal if any free time but surely a relationship needs a little time out once in a while. Any advice would be appreciated and please don't say end this relationship now because she doesn't care, I want to work through this just figure a way to help her see beyond having to do everything and she also needs the time out for herself as well as us as a couple

Help her out ..do some housework ..or give her a few bob to hire a housekeeper twice a week.

Asking her isn't going to make more time in the day.

Do some of the stuff that is taking up her time.

Step up to the plate.

And if you don't want to or you can't ..i would end it now. No shame in it ...it just wasn't for you ..for you it could be a toxic situation. Cool.

This is her life ...this is her package.

She would be delegating ...if she could ...she needs help obv.

Hence the bursting into tears when you bring up making more time for you. It must all feel like more pressure and something else she is "failing" at

I agree. Its almost like seeing him is another job she has to do. Not saying that is the OP's fault. Its just the way it is for over demanded people.

shesty · 21-06-2021 2:22pm

I'm not making excuses for her OP, and I am not sure what the best thing for you to do is. To be honest, you are saying she is lucky to get 6 hours sleep a night - the poor woman must be so tired. Have 3 kids myself and I work and I am exhausted, with a partner. I feel so sorry for that woman. Life must feel like one endless treadmill of juggling everyone else's demands. I don't think you are unreasonable in what you are asking, but by the sounds of things, she just can't give it. And by what someone else said, it is adding to the list of things she probably feels she is failing at. Has she spoken to anyone about how she feels as a single parent? Has she had any sort of counselling? She is carrying a lot of heavy burdens and probably feeling awful guilt that her kids are without a Dad. It's a tough situation.

LegacyUser · 21-06-2021 7:37pm

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Help her out ..do some housework ..or give her a few bob to hire a housekeeper twice a week.

Asking her isn't going to make more time in the day.

Do some of the stuff that is taking up her time.

Step up to the plate.

And if you don't want to or you can't ..i would end it now. No shame in it ...it just wasn't for you ..for you it could be a toxic situation. Cool.

This is her life ...this is her package.

She would be delegating ...if she could ...she needs help obv.

I agree. Its almost like seeing him is another job she has to do. Not saying that is the OP's fault. Its just the way it is for over demanded people.

Without intending to sound sharp or blunt, I did explain earlier in this thread that I do a good bit of her housework, I do help her out, I do lighten the load so if that isn’t “step up to the plate” then what is.

LegacyUser · 21-06-2021 7:39pm

[Deleted User] wrote: »

My gut reaction when I read this is your partner is experiencing what feels like a post-separation form of parental guilt that those who are left to parent alone can take on board themselves when the other parent abandons the children. The pressure of that can weigh very heavily on someone's shoulders.

She told you she feels she is the "only one her kids have" and on top of that she is working full time. That's a lot of pressure on her shoulders and I'd put good money on it that she feels a lot of negativity / anxiety about lots of things in her life, including her work and how good of a parent she is and how her kids are coping with everything. It can lead to overcompensation with the kids, while neglecting herself. She probably also worries about what kind of a partner she is being to you.

Hence the bursting into tears when you bring up making more time for you. It must all feel like more pressure and something else she is "failing" at.

I've no doubt you love her and she loves you, but I don't know how you can resolve that. But applying more pressure is not going to achieve what you want. More likely the opposite, which I think would be a shame.

You just need to continue being supportive, reassure her that she is a good mother and her kids are doing fine, and maybe suggest (kindly) that taking an evening off once a month and getting a babysitter and going out, even if just to the cinema or for a coffee now things are opening up, would be good for her, and you both as a couple.

Thank you for the reply, I did think myself it could be overcompensation, and I do understand why. I intend sticking it out as we do have a very deep bond and love each other deeply.

My partner finding it hard to make time for us

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