Harassment

anewme · 04-09-2019 10:24pm #1

I was harassed by someone living on my road. I had to get someone to call him and threaten Gardai.

I now find out it has also been done to others and am angry for not speaking out.

wiggle16 · 05-09-2019 12:22am

Hi, anewme

You'll need to give more detail of what happened in order for posters to offer advice.

What exactly are you looking for advice about in relation to this issue?

Xterminator · 05-09-2019 1:34pm

Hi Op

you are not responsible to other peoples regarding your handling of your affairs, nor do they have a responsibility to you. if a person has a dispute with a neighbour, and it can be resolved by a 3rd party intervening on their behalf, that is a far better solution than involving the guards. Not every harassing action is a crime and an amicable solution would always be preferable. Also involving the guards can often inflame the situation and make it worse not better.

the one and only caveat i would put here, is if you are genuinely in fear of imminent violence then it is better to involve the guards.

so i'm not sure if you are angry at your neighbours or yourself, due to wording but the above advice is applicable either way. if you managed to handle the situation without escalating it, then it was done right. you are not the neighbourhood adjudicator, policeman vigliante etc. any action taken to 'blacken' someones name would be retaliatory.

I do suggest keep a record and evidence of the harransement, if you can but any chance of an amicable solution is probably gone when the guards are involved. If you have the evidence saved/recorded then you can produce it later if the situation escalates.

anewme · 05-09-2019 1:40pm

Sorry for being cryptic. Basically, I was receiving a lot of phone calls (up to 42 a night), extremely x rated texts from one particular individual. It was sporadic and seemed to be fuelled by drink, but was extremely upsetting all the same as I was dealing with a family illness at the same time. I ended up having to get someone to call this individual and it stopped (apart from one incident earlier this year). However, I have recently found out he was doing the same in some cases worse to others and there could be more.

Now I feel annoyed that I have "kept the secret" which has enabled this to happen to others. its a Harvey Weinstein type thing, this person was relying on people not speaking out. The reason I kept quiet was not for this individual, but for his family, but now I feel angry over that and I should not be the person left carrying this.

Hope this is more clear.

Xterminator · 05-09-2019 2:29pm

Much clearer.

my advice remains the same. Outing this person to their friends and family would be a retaliatory action. It might make you feel better to think of them shunned by friends and family members. But it would be revenge pure and simple.

you can mask it in terms of i only this this to prevent his sending texts to other people. It might even cause him to think twice before abusing someone.

If this person has committed a crime, report it to the guards

there is a reason why we have impartial judiciary in ireland, it is because mob mentality is not the favoured for of justice. The person in question is granted a presumption of innocence until they are convicted by a jury of their peers. IE even today they are innocent in the eyes of the law.

anewme · 05-09-2019 3:51pm

Just for the record, the reason for me outing this person would not be for revenge. It would be to clear my own name. We mix in the same social circles and since the harassment, I have not had any dealings with this person. It looks that I have gone odd and why should I leave the social circle when I have done nothing wrong.

ILoveYourVibes · 05-09-2019 6:51pm

Show the texts and calls to the guards straight away. First thing you should do.

Then...

Write one letter to a parent saying what has happened saying you can show them the messages etc.

You have to write this very carefully.

It has to be compassionate. It must be polite and sweet.

I am so sorry I have to write this. I can imagine this is hard to read. But I feel you should know.

Only write it to a parent. Not friends etc. Not even siblings.

A parent won't risk putting info like that out there even if they think its false. They won't want to bring a case against you. They will hope you will move on.

One letter is not harassment.

Predators try to make victims feel like they have done something wrong. Society often does that too.

Don't fall for it.

You have to do everything politely and sweetly though. Don't let your emotions get the better of you.
Then do nothing and socialize in the circle as normal.

I am really sorry that all happened. Its so hurtful scary and stirs up so much trauma.

Please know you have nothing to be afraid of. You have done nothing wrong. He has. He should be afraid.

Op if you can ....when you show the texts to the guards .can you ask them to present the texts to the guy who sent them ..like give them your phone and say 'Can you have a word with him'?

I mean not arrest him or press charged. But simply ask them to talk to him about the texts? Ask him why he sent them and does he realize you don't want him to do that anymore? They can have your phone with them and show them to him.

Guards are usually helpful that way. It usually works too.

antix80 · 05-09-2019 7:10pm

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

You have to write this very carefully.

It has to be compassionate. It must be polite and sweet.

Only write it to a parent. Not friends etc. Not even siblings.

A parent won't risk putting info like that out there even if they think its false.

I'm lost

anewme · 05-09-2019 7:20pm

I get the bit about the guards having a word without pressing charges. I'm not sure about the parents bit, do you mean his parents, he must be 50 if hes a day?

ILoveYourVibes · 05-09-2019 7:26pm

antix80 wrote: »

I'm lost

Template.

Dear Mr Sleazy guys parent/wife.

I hope you and your family are well. This isn't an easy letter to write. Perhaps you might read it when you have time and are comfortable.

I am so sorry there is the need to write this. I can imagine this is hard to read. But I feel you should know.

Your son/husband sent sexually inappropriate and unwanted texts to my phone. He seemed to be very intoxicated.

I have reason to believe this has happened with others.

I am worried for him. I am also angry with him. I was not going through an easy time with an ill family member. You never know what else what people are going through when something like this happens.

I thought you should know because I know you must love your son/husband. And you must wish nothing but the best for him.

Firstly drinking to that extend cannot be healthy for him. And secondly its only a matter of time before this will get him into trouble.

I can show you the messages on my phone if you wish. Although i will understand if you don't wish to.

Once again i am very sorry to have troubled you. I thought long and hard before writing this. It wasn't an easy decision.

I don't intend to spread this around. However i think someone who loves your son/husband needs to speak with him in a calm way about it.

Once again I am sorry to have had to tell you this it must be very hard for a parent to hear and you must be very concerned. You will not hear from me again. I wish nothing but the best for your family including your son/husband.

I now leave it in your hands.

Kindest regards

me

ILoveYourVibes · 05-09-2019 7:27pm

anewme wrote: »

I get the bit about the guards having a word without pressing charges. I'm not sure about the parents bit, do you mean his parents, he must be 50 if hes a day?

Ah ...then is there a wife?

If he doesn't then no I wouldn't go telling anyone else.

Not friends or his kids etc.

Mark it as private and put his wife's name on it.

eviltwin · 05-09-2019 7:36pm

It's not his parents or wife's responsibility to sort this out. I would not address anything to them, he's an adult after all.

ILoveYourVibes · 05-09-2019 7:41pm

eviltwin wrote: »

It's not his parents or wife's responsibility to sort this out. I would not address anything to them, he's an adult after all.

It will make him jump though and the wife it will show him there are consequences.

I wouldn't write anything to him himself. It will only encourage him to try and engage with her again.

So OP if you choose not to tell his family in a letter then just go to the guards that's it.

eviltwin · 05-09-2019 7:50pm

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

eviltwin wrote: »

It's not his parents or wife's responsibility to sort this out. I would not address anything to them, he's an adult after all.

It will make him jump though and the wife it will show him there are consequences.

I wouldn't write anything to him himself. It will only encourage him to try and engage with her again.

So OP if you choose not to tell his family in a letter then just go to the guards that's it.

I wouldn't write anything to anyone. It's a matter for the gardai. Sending letters could be seen as antagonistic and the OP should be keeping as much distance as possible from this guy.

ILoveYourVibes · 05-09-2019 7:53pm

eviltwin wrote: »

I wouldn't write anything to anyone. It's a matter for the gardai. Sending letters could be seen as antagonistic and the OP should be keeping as much distance as possible from this guy.

Worthwhile points evil twin Worthwhile points.

anewme · 05-09-2019 8:08pm

I've no intention of writing anything to anyone.

I'm more talking about if someone asks me directly what happened, that I dont like to cover up for this person.

ILoveYourVibes · 05-09-2019 8:20pm

anewme wrote: »

I've no intention of writing anything to anyone.

I'm more talking about if someone asks me directly what happened, that I dont like to cover up for this person.

I would keep it private then.

antix80 · 05-09-2019 8:27pm

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

I would keep it private then.

So your advice to go to the guards...?

ILoveYourVibes · 05-09-2019 8:58pm

antix80 wrote: »

So your advice to go to the guards...?

Still stands.

But I still wouldn't tell anyone.

anewme · 05-09-2019 9:02pm

It's the not tell anyone that I have an issue with really.

Why should people like this not be exposed?

At the time, I was stressed over it. Now, I dont think he should get away with it. Knowing that it's not a once off has brought it back to the fore.

SirChenjin · 05-09-2019 10:20pm

Horrible thing to happen.

I presume you have his number blocked etc. I would definitely talk to the guards and take their advice on how to deal with things from here on.

wiggle16 · 06-09-2019 12:09am

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

It will make him jump though and the wife it will show him there are consequences.
I wouldn't write anything to him himself. It will only encourage him to try and engage with her again.
So OP if you choose not to tell his family in a letter then just go to the guards that's it.

Writing to his family/wife/partner/whoever will only extend and wax the hurt and distress this person has caused on to other people in a vindictive way. The OP has made it clear they're not looking for revenge, and their motivation for not saying anything was to spare his family's feelings in the first place.

I would go to the Gardaí, anewme. Even if you don't want to press charges against him yourself, it would be worth bringing it to their attention since it's likely he has simply moved on to harassing someone else, as we speak. Slugs like him only get away with these things when people are reluctant to speak up about them - as you've unfortunately learned first-hand.

I know "see a counsellor" can get bandied about in PI a bit as if it's a catchphrase, but if you're feeling this angry for not exposing him at the time then it might be worth talking to one, because any anger you have should not be directed at yourself.

Tell me if I'm missing the mark here, but, would it be fair to say that you might feel a need to vindicate yourself for keeping quiet, by letting others know that he did this to you too? Apologies if I'm wrong about that, it just sounds like you're harbouring guilt as well as anger and that might be why it's preoccupying you in the way it is.
You're not to blame for what he's done and you're not to blame for the fact that he moved on to other people when he was done with you. You didn't enable him and you're not at fault for dealing with it in your own way at the time - you're entitled to handle his behaviour towards you as you see fit and your responsibility is to yourself alone, you don't have to answer for that to anybody.

You did not enable him. That's the thing you need to understand.

ILoveYourVibes · 07-09-2019 1:47am

anewme wrote: »

It's the not tell anyone that I have an issue with really.

Why should people like this not be exposed?

Its not that, that bothers me. It is the consequences it could have for you.

Graces7 · 07-09-2019 10:35am

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Its not that, that bothers me. It is the consequences it could have for you.

In what way? Worse than what the OP is feeling now? ie responsibility for others being hurt by this guy?

rainbowtrout · 08-09-2019 2:25pm

anewme wrote: »

It's the not tell anyone that I have an issue with really.

Why should people like this not be exposed?

At the time, I was stressed over it. Now, I dont think he should get away with it. Knowing that it's not a once off has brought it back to the fore.

If someone asks why you have distanced yourself from this guy keep it short and sweet and keep it factual. 'Neighbour was sending me sexually explicit texts and harassing me by phone on an ongoing basis. I have had to get the guards involved in order for this to stop. It has for the moment, but I've kept the texts as evidence should i need to take it any further'.

anewme · 08-09-2019 2:31pm

rainbowtrout wrote: »

If someone asks why you have distanced yourself from this guy keep it short and sweet and keep it factual. 'Neighbour was sending me sexually explicit texts and harassing me by phone on an ongoing basis. I have had to get the guards involved in order for this to stop. It has for the moment, but I've kept the texts as evidence should i need to take it any further'.

Thanks a lot everyone for feedback.

Rainbow trout thanks, you have sunned up the actual question I was (rather badly) trying to ask.

I was thinking of saying something less than that. More along the lines of ‘I was having a bit of hassle from x’ and leave it at that.

rainbowtrout · 08-09-2019 4:36pm

anewme wrote: »

Thanks a lot everyone for feedback.

Rainbow trout thanks, you have sunned up the actual question I was (rather badly) trying to ask.

I was thinking of saying something less than that. More along the lines of ‘I was having a bit of hassle from x’ and leave it at that.

Ya you can say as much or as little as you want. I think the key is to keep it factual and not be dramatic. Once you start with ‘and I think he’s a ....’ people are just looking for an angle to gossip about and think there was more to the story and it grows legs. No point saying anything that might be misconstrued.

anewme · 08-09-2019 7:01pm

rainbowtrout wrote: »

anewme wrote: »

Thanks a lot everyone for feedback.

Rainbow trout thanks, you have sunned up the actual question I was (rather badly) trying to ask.

I was thinking of saying something less than that. More along the lines of ‘I was having a bit of hassle from x’ and leave it at that.

Ya you can say as much or as little as you want. I think the key is to keep it factual and not be dramatic. Once you start with ‘and I think he’s a ....’ people are just looking for an angle to gossip about and think there was more to the story and it grows legs. No point saying anything that might be misconstrued.

Hear you!

I think the issue is I am not a liar and really dislike lying and making up some random excuses didnt really sit well with me.

There us always the chance someone in his family could hear back and say it to me directly, but if that happens I will point them back to himself.

Harassment

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