One sided relationship?

L2020 wrote: »

his children barely talk to me

If his children don't like you why do you think he would invite you to spend time with them?

If I was in his position I wouldn't force you on my kids just to keep you happy. Obviously it creates issue in relationship and this is something worth discussing.

However I think your attitude about this isn't great and there is a sense that this all about you and your feelings are the only priority here and no one else's. The idea that you feel you should be entitled to spend time with him and his kids even when you know this kids don't want to is I think quote strange tbh.

If you can't deal with this situation then make that decision yourself and end it. Or else accept that you possibly need to compromise and accept that you won't get what you want all the time.

The simple, if unsatisfying, answer is: it’s very challenging to date if you’re a single parent.

People will argue that single parents should only date single parents, but while it might make sense on paper to some degree it’s a lazy generalisation because it fails to take into account what you’re dealing with: different families have different dynamics that work for the personalities of those involved and those dynamics have to be compatible as well as you two. Yours isn’t currently and I’m sorry but I can’t blame him for prioritising what works for his relationship with his children, that’s what a good parent would do. So to expect him to compromise that (and I appreciate that’s not what you’re saying but it’s ultimately what the end result might be) isn’t going to work. Same way it wouldn’t work for you if integrating him with your dynamic affected the dynamic within your own family.

Also worth remembering that it’s not your fault that integrating you causes issues, that’s on his ex. The problem there is that that likely won’t change. So your only real option is to accept the state of play as it is and plan around that. His ex won’t change, you are persona non grata to his children for the time being and trying to change that could upset what probably is a functional dynamic that allows them to be reared as happily as possible. For your relationship to work, all of these things must be accepted and any changes can only be led from within, which you can’t control.

On the flip side of THAT is you. Your needs are valid and a fair, balanced relationship is one that takes both parties needs into account and fulfils them. So you need to be honest with yourself about why this bothers you and what it is you actually need from a partner to be happy. Note how I didn’t say this partner. I’m not saying break up with him and find someone new, but for now think about yourself and your own needs as a thought experiment if nothing else. Get to the bottom of what you want/need from someone at a core level regardless of this situation.

Then go back to him and talk to him openly and honestly about this. Tell him what you need unapologetically, have an open discussion about how you can integrate that into the relationship, and try out whatever you come up with together to see if it works. If he can’t do so or you find yourself settling for less than you came in asking for, acknowledge that. Then it’s time to start questioning the relationship. But this way you’re exploring every option, you’re respecting how serious the relationship is but also addressing your needs, and it gives you every chance at resolving this in a way that ensures you guys remain happy long term. And if it doesn’t go that way, then you’re making it easier to deal with by understanding why before anything sad happens. All boxes ticked healthily in a complicated situation!

From reading your op why are you doing so much for the relationship- you say that you arrange for your kids to go to the other parent when your current partner doesn’t have the kids- you should both be making allowances not just you.

Also you state that you invite your partner along a lot when you have your kids? Why do you do this when the same invite isn’t extended to you?

I would stop doing so much and see does your partner notice that he don’t spend much time together now.

Obviously your partner has to put his kids first but to me it’s seems like there is an imbalance in the relationship where everything is fitted around your partner and his kids.

Yeah like OP you have to see it from their POV: to them you’re the reason their parents broke up. And that’s not fair and takes responsibility away from the two people in that relationship for it failing, but they’re kids.

When you’re a kid, your parents are perfect and infallible, and in truth asking them to lose that vision of their parents by confronting them with their imperfection is probably selfish and bad for them: having that view of your parents provides a child with stability which protects them from developing anxiety and the likes when they grow up. It’s important and, sadly, that’s more important than you being liked and even this relationship working out.

It’s not fair but this is just something you’ll need to accept is the case for the time being with this family and working around. There comes a time in a child’s development when they’re asked to question their parents and as they learn how the world works they’ll likely see it more for what it is...but that time isn’t when they’re 7 and 13.

L2020 wrote: »

The children are between 8 and 13yrs old on both sides.

It was and it wasn't connected to the breakdown of our previous relationships. I was cheated on by my ex husband so my marriage was very fragile, and he was emotionally abused and manipulated by his ex wife. Meeting each other did push us to end the marriages and we do love each other very much there just seems to be a lot against us.

So did your partner cheat on his then wife with you? I suppose if this were the case you could see why she would be bitter. It's easy to say that your partner was emotionally abused and left the marriage because of that but has your partner told his ex that? It might change her perception of you somewhat.

DonnaDarko09 wrote: »

Yeah sure look I very much doubt the ex wife was fully to blame in this, in my experience, and nothing excuses cheating which is what it sounds like he did even if the relationship was on its way out. No doubt the ex wife does blame the OP somewhat. But that’s not what the OP asked advice for. The ex wife doesn’t need to like her. But it’s up to the OPs partner to include her in some time with his kids if she is to build some sort of relationship with them and for them both to have a future.

No point in the partner including the OP in family days as she said the kids do not like her. Why they don't like her is what needs to be addressed, and that goes back to the the ex wife.