Mother is obsessed with the house being clean

LegacyUser · 09-02-2020 2:09pm #1

Hi all,

My partner and I live with my mother and sister in Dublin (he has no family and it was my Mam’s idea for him to move in - he saves on rent, she gets extra money every month). We can’t afford to move out and getting jobs in our industry outside of Dublin would be impossible (we’ve looked).

I’m really struggling at home as my Mam is making me very anxious. She’s obsessed with the house being spotless. She’s always calling us lazy, giving out, slamming doors, etc. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells.

Everything needs to be done ASAP or else the house is ruined, eg my partner and I ate dinner while we watched a tv show on Friday in the sitting room (she’s fine with this). I left our plates on the counter in the kitchen (because there was nowhere to leave them in the sitting room) and she went mad that we didn’t pause the show to do the dishes.

I don’t see why we can’t leave doing the dishes an extra twenty minutes to enjoy our show. We usually have dinner at the table but it was a once-off as my sister was out and she was upstairs cleaning (she had eaten dinner already).

My Mam often has a weeks worth of bowls, cups and plates in her bedroom. She says she likes to eat her breakfast in her bedroom because she gets tv stations upstairs that she doesn’t have downstairs but I’m half-wondering if it’s an attempt to keep the kitchen spotless.

I’ve tried bringing it up and asked why the downstairs of the house has to look like a showroom at all times (her bedroom is never clean) but it just ended in her shouting we’re lazy pigs and me crying.

It’s just getting worse. My partner poured a drink last week, drank half of it and went to the bathroom. When he came back, my Mam had poured his drink down the sink and put the glass in the dishwasher. I’ve had this a few times myself where I go upstairs for something and come back to my drink gone so now we have to say “I’m using this glass, don’t get rid of it” before leaving the kitchen.

My sister doesn’t spend a lot of time at home (she’s very social – usually out with friends, at college, at work, etc). She said she’s noticed how it’s gotten worse but feels there’s nothing we can do because it’s not our house. I just feel trapped.

antix80 · 09-02-2020 7:22pm

You're right - it's not your house. I know you say you can't afford to move out but there are two of you and I'm sure you'll find another couple such as yourselves who would be willing to share a 2-bed apartment.

If you want to continue living there, I suggest you follow the house rules.
Her rules are clean up as soon as you've eaten. You might not like this rule, but if you want to live there you should follow it.
Her bedroom may be untidy - but that's none of your business.
Be conscious too about hogging the living area with your partner - you can't read your mother's mind and she won't tell you but that could be an issue for her.

the14thwarrior · 09-02-2020 9:06pm

sounds like you are in a bit of rant and want your mam to change the way she wants her kitchen.
unfortunatly this is not going to happen, her kitchen, her rules.
it doesn't really matter why she is like this, certainly it is unreasonable, silly, and a bit intolerent. on the other hand, its her control, her decision, and it seems if everything is all right, you need to cop on and keep the kitchen really clean.

hattoncracker · 09-02-2020 9:21pm

I feel your pain. My mum is the same. We had to move in with her when my husband got sick and I became his carer. She also eats my food.

I had him in the bathroom once and I left a bowl of cereal on the table and she ate it. She takes food off my plate while I'm eating it, she steals any sweets I buy and she huffs if I get a roll when I'm out and dont get her anything.

She cant wait on dishes either and she also wont let me get any carers for a break for myself.

Theres nothing you can do only move out. Save up and buy because it's the only way you'll guarantee you wont ever have to live there again.

And then move as far away as you can get.

lunamoon · 09-02-2020 10:16pm

I'm on the side of your mum here, sorry! While you're living in her house you need to follow her rules. I am also one of these people who can't relax while I know there are dirty dishes there and would pause a movie to clean them up.

lucalux · 09-02-2020 10:48pm

Just a thought on this, I know my own mother got a bit like this when she was feeling especially stressed out.

Perhaps looking at it from a different angle might help? I understand it's a tough situation for you guys, and understandably so, but is your mother doing anything to relax or enjoy herself do you know? You say she wasn't always as 'bad' as this?

She might not recognise the stress that sharing with adult kids and partners was going to have on her, and maybe you can't fix it in a direct way, but you might see opportunities to remind her to relax in other, less confrontational ways?

The cups thing is my mother to a T, can't leave a cup down in her presence, it'll be swiped and in the dishwasher before you blink twice!

Diceicle · 10-02-2020 10:13am

lucalux wrote: »

Just a thought on this, I know my own mother got a bit like this when she was feeling especially stressed out.

Perhaps looking at it from a different angle might help? I understand it's a tough situation for you guys, and understandably so, but is your mother doing anything to relax or enjoy herself do you know? You say she wasn't always as 'bad' as this?

She might not recognise the stress that sharing with adult kids and partners was going to have on her, and maybe you can't fix it in a direct way, but you might see opportunities to remind her to relax in other, less confrontational ways?

The cups thing is my mother to a T, can't leave a cup down in her presence, it'll be swiped and in the dishwasher before you blink twice!

Personally, I'd agree with the thrust of this post over the more black and white 'her house, her rules' posts.

It sounds like your mam has taken this change in the house dynamic badly, or under-estimated it at least - much like when people take in lodgers and the reality of having to share the kitchen and sitting room hits them - but at the end of the day she is now being passive-aggressive about having you there and thats not right - her house or not.

If it were me in this scenario I'd put in place a plan as to when you guys can get out of there (if at all possible). That gives you a target to work to. You can then sit down with your mam, tell her your plan - which would hopefully alleviate some of the possible anxiety she's projecting now.

Oranage2 · 10-02-2020 11:47am

What age is your mother? Maybe her body is going through changes, could be a very emotional time for her.

As others have said, you've got to follow her rules, only problem is you're not too sure of them. You could sit down together, thank her for letting you and your partner stay in her home, ask her to write down some rules, then you've just got to follow them. After awhile she see you're playing ball and she'll probably relax and give you more leeway.

lainey_d_123 · 10-02-2020 7:19pm

Sorry but you're deluding yourself that you 'can't afford to move out'. Of course you can. What do you think everyone else does?! Most people don't have the option of living at home in Dublin. You can get a room for the 2 of you in a shared house or team up with another couple to rent a 2-bed flat.

It's incredibly entitled to live in your mother's home for free/cheap and then try to dictate to her how the house is kept. You have absolutely no say. You are a guest in her home.

Diceicle · 10-02-2020 7:46pm

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Sorry but you're deluding yourself that you 'can't afford to move out'. Of course you can. What do you think everyone else does?! Most people don't have the option of living at home in Dublin. You can get a room for the 2 of you in a shared house or team up with another couple to rent a 2-bed flat.

It's incredibly entitled to live in your mother's home for free/cheap and then try to dictate to her how the house is kept. You have absolutely no say. You are a guest in her home.

Did you read the same OP I did?
Get a grip.

lainey_d_123 · 10-02-2020 7:48pm

Diceicle wrote: »

Did you read the same OP I did?
Get a grip.

Yes - two grown adult with jobs claiming they 'can't afford' to move out and trying to force her mother to change her ways in her own home.

They are adults. They are not entitled to live there. If they can't accept her rules, they can leave. It actually is that simple.

Diceicle · 10-02-2020 7:55pm

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Yes - two grown adult with jobs claiming they 'can't afford' to move out and trying to force her mother to change her ways in her own home.

They are adults. They are not entitled to live there. If they can't accept her rules, they can leave. It actually is that simple.

What does op work as? You seem to have some insight into their finances - or are you just being awkward and felt like putting someone down on the internet? And no, it's not that simple. OPs mother hasn't outlined any rules - she's just acting in a passive aggressive manner and flying off the handle. Don't know about you but thats not normal in my book.

lainey_d_123 · 10-02-2020 8:01pm

Diceicle wrote: »

What does op work as? You seem to have some insight into their finances - or are you just being awkward and felt like putting someone down on the internet? And no, it's not that simple. OPs mother hasn't outlined any rules - she's just acting in a passive aggressive manner and flying off the handle. Don't know about you but thats not normal in my book.

It doesn't matter at all what she works as. They could both be on minimum wage and that would be enough between them to rent a room in a flat. Like everyone else has to do. Living at home as a working adult is a privilege, and if it isn't working out for her, then she's free to go.

The OP's mother can act any way she likes - it's her home. It might seem unreasonable and OTT, but the OP hasn't a leg to stand on here. You cannot be a guest in someone's home and dictate to them how things work. If the mother finds mess stressful and wants to keep downstairs nice and tidy, that's her right and she doesn't have to justify it.

woodchuck · 10-02-2020 11:21pm

Mod note:

Diceicle and Lainey - that's enough of the back and forth please. Only post if you have advise to direct to the OP.

qwerty13 · 10-02-2020 11:30pm

Just on the ‘it’s the mother’s house so her rules’, I don’t think that’s really fair if they’re paying market rent rates. I would think this makes it more an adult house sharing arrangement. Not completely, because of course it is still family, and that muddies the waters.

If however they are paying rent at a much lower level than market rates, I’m afraid that is more of a case of ‘suck it up, or move out’.

lunamoon · 14-02-2020 6:34pm

qwerty13 wrote: »

Just on the ‘it’s the mother’s house so her rules’, I don’t think that’s really fair if they’re paying market rent rates. I would think this makes it more an adult house sharing arrangement. Not completely, because of course it is still family, and that muddies the waters.

If however they are paying rent at a much lower level than market rates, I’m afraid that is more of a case of ‘suck it up, or move out’.

In any adult house share I was ever in there was strict rules about keeping the house clean. They were the rules that I had to agree to before renting the room.

qwerty13 · 14-02-2020 10:29pm

Oh I didn’t mean that standard cleaning rules shouldn’t apply. I just meant whipping up someone’s glass if they leave it for 2 mins seems a bit excessive. So if it’s full rent being paid, then ‘normal’ house rules apply. If it’s rent that’s reduced a good bit, then it’s the mothers house rules thst apply.

Rubberchikken · 15-02-2020 3:50pm

Is your mom well? TBH insisting on keeping the downstairs clean but her own room isn't would make me think she's not fine and might need some support and maybe professional help.

I do agree with others who say you and your partner could move out. There are places to rent it just takes time to find them.

But I wouldn't leave her as things are. She may be going through a hard time and unable to even put it into words.

seamus · 17-02-2020 10:43am

qwerty13 wrote: »

Oh I didn’t mean that standard cleaning rules shouldn’t apply. I just meant whipping up someone’s glass if they leave it for 2 mins seems a bit excessive.

I think most people will have experienced this at one time or another, with a parent who is on a cleaning binge.

But for it to be constant, constantly keeping the kitchen clean (and her own bedroom not), is not normal. I appreciate the "her house, her rules" aspect, but that doesn't mean her behaviour is healthy.

OP, if you weren't living there, would your mother still the same? Was she this obsessive about tidyness growing up?

Immediate suspicions would of course be menopause. But the other thought I had was whether she feels like a "host". When someone goes to live at their in-laws house, it can be hard to relax. You never feel like you're at home, you always feel like you're a guest and need to mind your P's&Q's.

But I'm sure there's a flipside to this - perhaps your mother feels the pressure of being the "host". I don't know if it's Irish, but women seem to have this curious obsession with ensuring that the house is absolutley spotless before anyone visits, even if it's only for five minutes. Your mother might be stuck in a loop on this and she doesn't even realise it. She's in constant, "I have guests over" mode and thus feels the need to constantly keep the place clean.

My suggestion is that you stop tackling this in terms of "you are wrecking our heads", and more from the, "Your behaviour is concerning and we are woried about you. This is not normal". Send your partner out for pints or whatever, and you and your sister sit down with your mother, maybe even make her dinner, and have a chat about it. Become the adults in the room for a few minutes.

pwurple · 17-02-2020 1:26pm

I'm with your mum I'm afraid. It drives me utterly bananas when I come downstairs and there are dirty dishes and half empty glasses lying around, while the people using them are lounging around watching telly. I drill this into my won kids. You use it, you clean it.
She simply wants the kitchen to be as she left it.

When I am staying in someone else's house, I operate under a 'leave no trace' kind of mindset. Finished eating, stick it in the dishwasher, or clean it, immediately.

It's escalating to half empty unattended glasses being dumped, because the mess seems constant and is stressing her out. If it was JUST an unattended glass, it would most likely be left alone, but when there's always mess left around, how is she supposed to know it's not abandoned, like everything else in the place.

Basically, clean up your act and you will all live much more harmoniously.

Oh, and stay the F out of her bedroom.

beauf · 17-02-2020 1:42pm

In my experience people who leave dishes to come back to them generally leave them for ages.

If you are sharing a house you should set up some rules.

You should move out as soon as you can.

17-02-2020 9:35pm

I think your mum is stressed, OP. I think she's expressing the stress through her need to have control over how everything is done. I don't think she's finding it easy to have you both in the house and this is the only way she can say it, without saying it. She sounds like she's struggling too, so try to be kind, even if it's exasperating.

I think you need to look for a houseshare, whatever money you save living at home isn't worth everyone being stressed.

IvoryTower · 17-02-2020 9:46pm

Get the bedroom set up as your living space, keep the kitchen clean at all times, save, save, save, move out

Mother is obsessed with the house being clean

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