Workplace Crush

crushconfusion · 18-01-2020 10:12am #1

I am in a bit of a dilemma here. I have been in my job 3 years now. This guy joined the company about a year ago.
At the start, there was no interest on either parts. I had just got out of a relationship and he was still in one. We were friendly and often sat in a group at lunch.

In mid November (both of us single), we started chatting more and more. We actually have a lot of common interests. We still sit in a group for lunch. But, the conversations throughout the day are constant (via IM). I’m definitely the person he talks to most during the day and vice Versa. It’s strange for me as I’m a bit quiet and not usually one for chatting back and forth all day but I just feel so at ease with him which is how I developed a crush.

At our office Christmas party, we chatted a bit more throughout the night and my feelings deepened. At the end of the night, when I was leaving he pulled me in for a hug. I know it’s only a hug but neither of us would be the type to show any kind of affection to our colleagues. On the other hand, it was the end of the night after a few drinks so could have been purely platonic.

Deep down I sometimes think he likes me other times I think he’s just being friendly. He often teases me about other men in the office liking me (knowing I don’t like them back). Again, this could be purely platonic.

Since the start of the month, we continued to talk regularly throughout the day. It’s almost like constant communication every hour. Sometimes (very few May i add) we’d continue talking into the evening. This happened this week (although this was initiated by me). So that’s a whole day spent talking to each other…

My issues are:
1. I’m not sure if he actually likes me. Any opinions on this? Sometimes I think maybe our constant communication is just him being polite. Although he also initiates it too.
2. I just want him to make a move if he does like me. The problem is, both of us are so shy about these things that I don’t think he will. So maybe I should just move on but I can’t stop thinking about him.
3. Workplace relationships. Generally I would be totally against this and I think he had a bad experience with a workplace relationship before (maybe why he’s not making a move). But, at the age of 30, I’m willing to risk the repercussions of my job if it doesn’t work out.
4. Lastly, and this plays on my mind a bit to. I’m wondering if our constant communication is actually an indication of interest. It definitely is on my part but I’m not sure about him.

Basically, I just want to know how to find out if he’s interested. I don’t want to make a fool of myself. The place we work isn’t the type of place were work drinks are common so it’s not as if I could get a bit of liquid courage and tell him how I feel.

Is it best just to try nip in the bud and stop the constant communication and try to move on rather than embarrass myself? Part of me just wants to say to him that we shouldnt keep having these long conversations as I’m starting to develop feelings in hopes he will see how i feel. But that just seems irrational and childish.

suicide_circus · 18-01-2020 10:22am

crushconfusion wrote: »

.
2. I just want him to make a move if he does like me. The problem is, both of us are so shy about these things that I don’t think he will. So maybe I should just move on but I can’t stop thinking about him.

the above quote begs the question, why dont YOU make a move? You clearly like him.

mrcheez · 18-01-2020 10:28am

suicide_circus wrote: »

the above quote begs the question, why dont YOU make a move? You clearly like him.

Came here to say this. Surely in this day and age this would be frequent enough?? Or do most women still wait for the guy?

crushconfusion · 18-01-2020 10:31am

Thanks for responding I really want to be the one to make a move But, i'm just not sure he likes me in the same way I like him. The last thing I want to do is make him uncomfortable and/or embarrass myself. I'm basing him liking me on a hug and chatting throughout the day... rationally I don't think that's enough to indicate interest???

nkl12xtw5goz70 · 18-01-2020 10:31am

crushconfusion wrote: »

Basically, I just want to know how to find out if he’s interested. I don’t want to make a fool of myself. The place we work isn’t the type of place were work drinks are common so it’s not as if I could get a bit of liquid courage and tell him how I feel.

You don't need liquid courage to tell him how you feel. Invite him out to lunch or coffee. Be honest and open with him and see if he feels the same way. Check your company policy on workplace relationships, and be aware that constant personal messaging during work hours is likely not the best idea.

Augme · 18-01-2020 10:32am

Just make a move yourself. There's no embarrassing or foolish about asking someone out and getting rejected. Like death and taxes, getting rejected if you make the first move is going to happen at some stage so I never understood why it is something people are embarrassed about.

My feeling is he definitely likes you. If you don't want to jump straight in at the deep end by asking him out out, then maybe just casually suggest eating outside of work one of the days next week and take it from there.

The Satanist · 18-01-2020 10:33am

Sounds like the perfect romance. Best of luck.

jiltloop · 18-01-2020 10:40am

Why don't you suggest meeting up outside of work hours and see how that goes down? I.e evening dinner or you mentioned that you seem to have shared interests, maybe you could suggest meeting during the weekend for an activity based on one of those interests.

You can guage his reaction, if he is hesitant maybe its a step beyond a work friendship that he's not comfortable with, in which case you can swiftly back peddle without having put yourself out there too much. If he's up for it then I think it's game on for you to make a move if he doesn't first.

Dog day · 18-01-2020 10:46am

Hi OP, in life your ‘gut instinct’ is the one to follow, it very rarely steers you wrong.

So....heart & head aside what is your inner voice telling you?! If it’s telling you that it’s more likely than not that he feels the same I say go for it.

For what it’s worth it seems to me that the feelings are probably mutual. And yes, it would be remiss of me to say there aren’t any risks, equally work place relationships aren’t ideal but you only get one life.

The teasing about other guys in the office liking you seems to me to be a good indicator that he fancies you.

Bite the bullet & ask him out for a coffee after work some evening. Good luck!

dmm82 · 18-01-2020 10:52am

Are there any bands you both like? You could suggest going along to a gig together, could be done in a friendly way so as not to look like an official "date".

punisher5112 · 18-01-2020 10:55am

Say hey you you around Saturday, go for few drinks or a meal... Go from there....

Sunny Disposition · 18-01-2020 11:02am

You should tell him how you feel, if he’s not interested at least you know and you can move on. If he is interested and ye already know each other very well then ye are likely to have a v good relationship. No matter how it goes there is much more of a downside to not making a move than making one.

crushconfusion · 18-01-2020 11:21am

Thanks everyone. What would be the best way to lay all things bare regarding my feelngs? Text? What should I say?

We have lunch together most days anyway and he goes back home to the north frequently at weekends but I guess he would make time to meet me if I asked. Perhaps an evening after work would be more relaxed then a weekend “date”.

I’m just nervous as I’ve never been the one to make the first move and fear I’ll be more into him than he is me...

punisher5112 · 18-01-2020 11:28am

crushconfusion wrote: »

Thanks everyone. What would be the best way to lay all things bare regarding my feelngs? Text? What should I say?

We have lunch together most days anyway and he goes back home to the north frequently at weekends but I guess he would make time to meet me if I asked. Perhaps an evening after work would be more relaxed then a weekend “date”.

I’m just nervous as I’ve never been the one to make the first move and fear I’ll be more into him than he is me...

Don't do it in work or by text.

Meet up outside of work somewhere neutral, if it doesn't work out then nobody else needs to know or see.

Just say you up for lunch or dinner or going pub later!!!

Jim Root · 18-01-2020 6:30pm

Don’t overthink it! Keep it casual, just suggest grabbing a drink some Friday evening that he’s not going home

bitofabind · 18-01-2020 6:41pm

crushconfusion wrote: »

I’m just nervous as I’ve never been the one to make the first move and fear I’ll be more into him than he is me...

If he's into you, you just need to give him an opening or a green light. He'll be glad of it and know it's ok to escalate things. Right now he's probably thinking the same way as you - what if she's just being friendly, what if she's not into me and it makes work really awkward, blah blah.

Just give him a green light. Is there a band or an event that you've been talking about recently? You say you've loads of common interests, what are they? Call upon one of them and invite him along to something. Then he'll take the lead. If it was me I'd also be acting a bit flirtier over your messages with him too, see how that goes down. I'm a natural flirt though so that's an easy one for me!

Then if he's interested, which it sounds like he is, he'll be glad of the green light and will take things further. If he's not, no big deal. He's just a guy in a world of guys. Life's about taking these risks. High risk, high reward!

Unanimous · 18-01-2020 7:15pm

OP, whatever you do, beware of making a move on this guy.
A lady asking a guy out and a guy asking a lady out are two different things and I would rather he asked you out as you have rightly said.
First of all, he might think you are great and amazing but may not want a relation now, or he may not have made up his mind about you yet.
If a girl really likes a guy, there are chances that should be someone where praying that he comes and ask her out.
But i have hardly ever hear of guys really liking a girl and praying that she comes and seeks him out. Not saying he will go for it immediately but then, it will be on his mind and i think the best thing a girl can do in that case is to make it easier.

So asking a guy/girl out that didn't think of you that way will be hard on the guy/girl and put a strain in the friendship. Although rejection is harder on the girls or they take it harder.

I will advise you to just keep being friends and see how it goes but dont put your mind in to it.
He may be the one, or he may not be the one and only time will tell.

Don't be tempted to rush into anything yet.
If a guy looses interest in a girl because he didnt ask him, out, then he never liked her in the first place.
If he lost interest because he never summoned up the courage, (then his loss) you dont want to be dating that guy.
If he however, was trying to meet you halfway or more than half way and you are not responding that would be an issue.
In this case i dont see you doing that so just relax in the mean time

jarvis · 18-01-2020 8:23pm

Just ask him out. I reckon he’s feeling the same but in one of your points you ask should you just get over it and move on. He’s probably thought that too!!!

So let’s say you wait it out and Monday morning he comes to work and tells you about the beautiful girl he met at the weekend when out on the town. You’ll be on an express train to the friend zone and you’ll have missed your chance. You’ll probably even need to make another post on here!!!

Life’s too short. Don’t be the person who waited too long and missed out.

fineso.mom · 18-01-2020 8:47pm

I would just keep it simple and breezy and the next time ye are chatting just say, heh, i was just wondering if you fancy a quick drink on Friday after work? (or something related to your common interests you mentioned). If he says yes..great.
If he says he cant because he is doing something, just say, ah grand no worries, maybe another time. And continue your chat as normal. The ball is in his court then and if he feels the same way but is shy, at least he knows you would say yes to meeting up.
On the other hand if he doesn't feel the same and said no because he's not interested, it's no big deal as you just asked him casually if he fancied a drink, you didnt declare undying love. That's why I would ask in the middle of a chat and continue as normal after asking, regardless of the answer. It was just a suggestion in the middle of a chat, no big awkward silence or mumbling incoherently and shuffling off embarrassed. Have your reaction to whichever answer ready and move on with the conversation.
Don't overthink it.. Tell yourself its not a big deal, because it's not.

Gerianam · 19-01-2020 4:48pm

Hi OP,
you said that he goes back home to the north frequently at weekends. Are you sure that he is not seeing someone/in a relationship up home ?

crushconfusion · 20-01-2020 6:38pm

Gerianam wrote: »

Hi OP,
you said that he goes back home to the north frequently at weekends. Are you sure that he is not seeing someone/in a relationship up home ?

Yes, I guess that is a possibility and is something that has crossed my mind.

Another thing is, he has mentioned to me that he was on plenty of fish for a few months but not anymore as he didn’t like going that way about finding someone, I’m not sure if he said this to see my reaction or was just making general chat… He split up with his partner of 2 years in October so part of me is wondering if it’s too soon for him.

And then today…

I was going to bring it up today but by chance when I walked into the canteen on tea break there was a group discussing dating in the workplace. He was there. I actually chose not to sit down with them and just tried to listen.

He said that he doesn’t think he’d ever date anyone in the workplace as he’d get ‘sick of seeing them day in and day out’. My heart kind of sank when I overheard him say this, so I just got my cup of tea and left. He was aware I could hear.

My feeling now is that if that’s the way he feels, maybe he just sees me as a work friend and someone to have a bit of friendly chat with... or boost his ego. For all I know, he could have someone back home as mentioned above.

He asked me how my weekend was today and I kept it short and didn’t ask him any questions back. After no communication for a couple of hours after this, he then started asking me work related questions about a project we are working on (which I know he knows the answer to), obviously I responded to these questions.

Gerianam · 20-01-2020 6:56pm

Hi OP,
I am really sorry, seems that he just enjoys the distraction and ego boost at work.
Happens a lot. His loss as you sound lovely. Hugs x

crushconfusion · 20-01-2020 11:57pm

Gerianam wrote: »

Hi OP,
I am really sorry, seems that he just enjoys the distraction and ego boost at work.
Happens a lot. His loss as you sound lovely. Hugs x

Thanks.. it just hurt hearing him say that. I just don’t get it and part of me is hoping that he didn’t mean it. But, I know if I was on the outside looking in I would think he just sees me as an ego boost.

I just feel like we have great banter and there’s never an awkward silence... surely this chemistry isn’t all one sided on my part?

I guess I’m better off knowing now than being made a fool of and office gossip.

nkl12xtw5goz70 · 21-01-2020 10:39am

crushconfusion wrote: »

Another thing is, he has mentioned to me that he was on plenty of fish for a few months but not anymore as he didn’t like going that way about finding someone

That to me is a pretty clear expression of wanting to meet someone by offline means. Why would he be telling you this if he isn't interested?

He said that he doesn’t think he’d ever date anyone in the workplace as he’d get ‘sick of seeing them day in and day out’. My heart kind of sank when I overheard him say this, so I just got my cup of tea and left. He was aware I could hear.

Might he have said this just in case his interest in a colleague was becoming too evident? Anyhow, it's one thing to say in the abstract that you'd never date a work colleague and quite another thing to have an attractive colleague expressing interest in you ... opinions on these matters can change quickly.

crushconfusion wrote: »

I just feel like we have great banter and there’s never an awkward silence... surely this chemistry isn’t all one sided on my part?

I can't imagine it is.

You really don't have your answer yet. I think you should stick with it and ask him out for coffee or a drink after work. Talk to him then. Anything is still possible.

Hector Savage · 21-01-2020 10:53am

Ronald Quiet Linebacker wrote: »

You don't need liquid courage to tell him how you feel. Invite him out to lunch or coffee. Be honest and open with him and see if he feels the same way. Check your company policy on workplace relationships, and be aware that constant personal messaging during work hours is likely not the best idea.

I would advise against this approach, casually invite him out for a drink as you leave work one day, no need to come out with feelings etc - that will work itself out.

It really sounds like he's into you and if you go to a nice cosy pub things will progress .....

ahhhh to be young again !!!

Hector Savage · 21-01-2020 10:55am

crushconfusion wrote: »

Thanks.. it just hurt hearing him say that. I just don’t get it and part of me is hoping that he didn’t mean it. But, I know if I was on the outside looking in I would think he just sees me as an ego boost.

I just feel like we have great banter and there’s never an awkward silence... surely this chemistry isn’t all one sided on my part?

I guess I’m better off knowing now than being made a fool of and office gossip.

Honestly I don't think he means it, it's reverse psychology ... seize the oppurtunity ..

Dog day · 21-01-2020 4:32pm

Hi Op, just echoing Hector Savages’ sentiments here.

Also to add to what’s been said so far...granted, you don’t absolutely know how he feels but you do know how you feel. You’re attracted to him, you still suspect the feelings are mutual.

Go for a casual drink after work & take it from there. No need to voice how you feel but just see how the evening goes. Though I advised a coffee previously I’d now agree that a drink in a cosy pub might be ideal to set the tone.

When you think about it the other options really aren’t that appealing, either you continue to play this head melting ‘waiting game’ or alternatively hope your feelings for him eventually go away.

If you don’t try you’ll never know & for what it’s worth I think from everything you’ve told us that it’s a risk worth taking. You may be delighted you did!

LegacyUser · 21-01-2020 6:57pm

crushconfusion wrote: »

I just feel like we have great banter and there’s never an awkward silence... surely this chemistry isn’t all one sided on my part?

It might just be banter for him and nothing more. I don't know about you, but when I like someone I read so much into what they say and do. I think a lot of people are guilty of this. We want the other person to like us back so much we create something that doesn't exist in reality. "He wouldn't have said this unless he likes me", "he wouldn't have done that if he didn't like me". Sometimes, friendly talk is just friendly talk.

If you're going to drive yourself crazy about this, then I would nearly say just ask him out and get it out of your system and get an answer once and for all.

LegacyUser · 23-01-2020 6:18pm

Lol your entire post reminds me of a workplace crush I had 6 years ago... Constant chatting, constant IMs, initial relationships... All of a sudden both single...

Cue to 6 years later and we are getting married this year.

Trending · 21-02-2020 12:32pm

OP
This post is a month old .....Did you ever ask him out ?

ILoveYourVibes · 21-02-2020 10:44pm

Op can you not just invite a load of people from work out for a drink and include him in the invite?

Then during the night get talking to him. Talk to him a bit at work etc.

See if you have anything in common...see where it goes?

If it doesn't then you are just workmates etc.

Workplace Crush

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