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Is this gaslighting at work?

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  • 19-02-2020 1:49pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I've been in my job almost 5 years and for the most part I love it.

    (I'm a girl, 38). A girl in her mid-thirties started a year ago (not sure gender or age are relevant but just in case).

    She was very odd from the start. She is constantly talking about how brilliant she was in her last job, how ambitious she is, how many awards she was nominated for, how upset they were when she told them she was leaving etc. It was all a bit much at the start and she still goes on like this, so, just isn't very popular.

    I'm in a different department so had less cause to interact with her, so, when everyone else got tired of her she eventually decided I was her confidante. Most of the things she says, well, they are just not true - she's always building a vision of herself she wants you to have. Always being dramatic bitching about colleagues, always wants reassurance that our boss is happy with her work. It's exhausting but I have stupidly set a precedent where I listen to her, I never really talk about myself, I don't think she's ever noticed!!

    Anyway, I am fully aware she lies about most things. However, last week, out of nowhere she gave me a heads up that our boss was unhappy with a peice of work I had done. I was a bit upset as I was quite pleased with it, but you can't win them all!

    An hour later I was called in to speak to our boss (I've always gotten on well with him) and I noted "I heard you were having a moan about my work". He had no idea what I was talking about!!!

    I was confused but figured she must have misinterpreted something.

    Today, she congratulated me on some work I had done but also gave me some advice that I should do it slightly differently in future because my boss and another colleague did note that I had done it incorrectly last week...

    Slightly suspicious of this news, I immedieatly said I was going in to speak to the boss as it wasn't fair for him to discuss my work with other people like that. She got very worried and pullled me back. and then she miraculously realised/confessed that it was't my boss who said it, it was actually my colleage and she thought my boss had been there too and that's why she said his name.....

    Out of sheer frustration I had a chat with the colleague in question (he is working here longer than me and we are tight) who confirmed my doubts that this conversation had never happened, not with him, or anyone else.

    So I now know that she has just pretended my boss has been unhappy with my work on 2 occasions for literally no reason.

    After our chat this morning she ran back to her office crying and apparetnly has been telling people she is upset as she "accidentally upset me". Our boss mentioned it to me and wanted to let me know he never made any remarks but also told me that she couldn't have meant any harm and there's no malice in her.

    I can't explain the situation to anyone because I sound like an unbelievable overthinker who is making a big deal over nothing. But like, I completely see what she's at, I just cannot figure out why? Is this gaslighting???


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    #2
    ManOfMystery
    Registered Users Posts: 2,394 ✭✭✭ManOfMystery


    Gaslighting is the modern word for it. Personally, I still like to label it as $hit stirring.

    There is a girl in our workplace who is almost identical to this. Gossips a lot, paints herself as brilliant/hugely capable, but tries to deflect any faults/blame onto others because her work generally is not of the standard it should be. Has a history of leaving organisations on bad terms but her side of the story has always been that they were the ones at fault. People are slowly starting to see her for what she is and I can only encourage you to maintain a healthy professional distance and limit your interactions, eventually people in your workplace will understand her nature also.

    Some people like to get up the ladder by working hard. Others do it by stepping on top of those climbing the ladder with them. By putting down your work (untruthfully), she's deceitfully promoting herself as some kind of professional confidante and a person who others talk to in order to review/gauge the quality of work. It's a nasty way to behave.


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    #3
    afterglow
    Registered Users Posts: 461 ✭✭afterglow


    Op
    This, without a doubt, is a classic case of narcissism.
    she wants to be the best at everything, hence her saying everyone was upset when she left her last place, trying to say your boss isn't happy with your work, again, kind of code for, she's better than you
    I'd advise you, if you can, just keep the head down as you are, unless you're approached directly by your boss, or colleagues, don't talk about your conversations with ms narc with anyone, in work anyway
    Its a pain in the bum, and emotionally draining, just know that underneath all her buul poop, she's more than incredibly insecure, not your problem, unfortunately by her being there, its something you have to interact with, but you don't have to become inmeshed in her drama, its nonsense really!
    Wish you only the best, just be you and don't 'worry about the drama


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    #4
    pgj2015
    Registered Users Posts: 8,955 ✭✭✭pgj2015


    notacluewhatshappening2020 wrote: »
    I've been in my job almost 5 years and for the most part I love it.

    (I'm a girl, 38). A girl in her mid-thirties started a year ago (not sure gender or age are relevant but just in case).

    She was very odd from the start. She is constantly talking about how brilliant she was in her last job, how ambitious she is, how many awards she was nominated for, how upset they were when she told them she was leaving etc. It was all a bit much at the start and she still goes on like this, so, just isn't very popular.

    I'm in a different department so had less cause to interact with her, so, when everyone else got tired of her she eventually decided I was her confidante. Most of the things she says, well, they are just not true - she's always building a vision of herself she wants you to have. Always being dramatic bitching about colleagues, always wants reassurance that our boss is happy with her work. It's exhausting but I have stupidly set a precedent where I listen to her, I never really talk about myself, I don't think she's ever noticed!!

    Anyway, I am fully aware she lies about most things. However, last week, out of nowhere she gave me a heads up that our boss was unhappy with a peice of work I had done. I was a bit upset as I was quite pleased with it, but you can't win them all!

    An hour later I was called in to speak to our boss (I've always gotten on well with him) and I noted "I heard you were having a moan about my work". He had no idea what I was talking about!!!

    I was confused but figured she must have misinterpreted something.

    Today, she congratulated me on some work I had done but also gave me some advice that I should do it slightly differently in future because my boss and another colleague did note that I had done it incorrectly last week...

    Slightly suspicious of this news, I immedieatly said I was going in to speak to the boss as it wasn't fair for him to discuss my work with other people like that. She got very worried and pullled me back. and then she miraculously realised/confessed that it was't my boss who said it, it was actually my colleage and she thought my boss had been there too and that's why she said his name.....

    Out of sheer frustration I had a chat with the colleague in question (he is working here longer than me and we are tight) who confirmed my doubts that this conversation had never happened, not with him, or anyone else.

    So I now know that she has just pretended my boss has been unhappy with my work on 2 occasions for literally no reason.

    After our chat this morning she ran back to her office crying and apparetnly has been telling people she is upset as she "accidentally upset me". Our boss mentioned it to me and wanted to let me know he never made any remarks but also told me that she couldn't have meant any harm and there's no malice in her.

    I can't explain the situation to anyone because I sound like an unbelievable overthinker who is making a big deal over nothing. But like, I completely see what she's at, I just cannot figure out why? Is this gaslighting???




    I wouldnt have said this in the way you did to be honest.


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    #5
    zapper55
    Registered Users Posts: 684 ✭✭✭zapper55


    When she starts to talk to you say oh cant talk have to do something. Dont engage with her. I think you are being very naive to still chat to her considering all you've said. At the very least she's terribly insecure and a liar and worse case trying to undermine you.

    When she realises shes getting the brush off she'll probably try and play the poor me card. Act dumb and say oh we are such different people, anyway I'm busy and dont have time to chat. Dont engage or explain.

    I really hope you phrased your concerns differently than you thought your boss was having a moan btw it dismisses your value in the work place and looks unprofessional to them.


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    #6
    beauf
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,651 ✭✭✭✭beauf


    This person is self destructive and you would be wise to stay as far away from them as possible. Just assume everything they say it's a fantasy and ignore it.


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    #7
    Fakediamond
    Registered Users Posts: 1,054 ✭✭✭Fakediamond


    Definitely a narcissist. Watch your back and tell her nothing about yourself. Don’t talk about colleagues to her and don’t help her to do her job, other than what’s normally expected of you. Narcissists in the workplace are very draining and will present your work as their own, blame others for their mistakes and talk about you behind your back. They are cunning and manipulative and would rather spend their days scheming than getting on with their own work. You can tell I speak from experience!

    Tread carefully OP and maintain strong boundaries in your interactions. Read up on workplace narcissists so that you know what you’re dealing with.


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    #8
    HildaOgdenx
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,512 Mod ✭✭✭✭HildaOgdenx


    ManOfMystery wrote: »
    Gaslighting is the modern word for it. Personally, I still like to label it as $hit stirring.

    There is a girl in our workplace who is almost identical to this. Gossips a lot, paints herself as brilliant/hugely capable, but tries to deflect any faults/blame onto others because her work generally is not of the standard it should be. Has a history of leaving organisations on bad terms but her side of the story has always been that they were the ones at fault. People are slowly starting to see her for what she is and I can only encourage you to maintain a healthy professional distance and limit your interactions, eventually people in your workplace will understand her nature also.

    Some people like to get up the ladder by working hard. Others do it by stepping on top of those climbing the ladder with them. By putting down your work (untruthfully), she's deceitfully promoting herself as some kind of professional confidante and a person who others talk to in order to review/gauge the quality of work. It's a nasty way to behave.

    Nothing much to add to this post. **** stirring plain and simple, IMO. Distance yourself and avoid.


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    #9
    Purple Mountain
    Registered Users Posts: 13,028 ✭✭✭✭Purple Mountain


    HildaOgdenx wrote: »
    Nothing much to add to this post. **** stirring plain and simple, IMO. Distance yourself and avoid.

    And go back to the manager and say you want it unofficially noted what she did those 2 times because you want to cover yourself in case it happens again.
    Tell your boss in a tactile way that you are unconvinced her motives aren't malicious.
    Don't make a big deal of it and say you're drawing a line underneath it if there's no further untruths from her.

    To thine own self be true



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    #10
    qwerty13
    Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    Purple Mountain wrote: »
    And go back to the manager and say you want it unofficially noted what she did those 2 times because you want to cover yourself in case it happens again.
    Tell your boss in a tactile way that you are unconvinced her motives aren't malicious.
    Don't make a big deal of it and say you're drawing a line underneath it if there's no further untruths from her.

    I wanted to say that accusing your boss of ‘moaning’ was quite the really bad move. I hope you were just paraphrasing there.

    And even worse, do NOT be tactile with your boss. Christ almighty, you touching your boss to prove your point?!? How mind bogglingly inappropriate is that.


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    #11
    Ande1975
    Registered Users Posts: 446 ✭✭Ande1975


    qwerty13 wrote: »
    I wanted to say that accusing your boss of ‘moaning’ was quite the really bad move. I hope you were just paraphrasing there.

    And even worse, do NOT be tactile with your boss. Christ almighty, you touching your boss to prove your point?!? How mind bogglingly inappropriate is that.

    I think it was a typo - 'tactly' not 'tactile' - or at least I hope so...


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    #12
    05eaftqbrs9jlh
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,104 ✭✭✭05eaftqbrs9jlh


    Ande1975 wrote: »
    I think it was a typo - 'tactly' not 'tactile' - or at least I hope so...

    Tactical.


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    #13
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    not sure if you know this yourself OP, but internet diagnoses of "narcissism" arent worth much tbh. headwrecker is more than enough of a definition to be going on with.

    id agree with the advice about not talking to her from now on, have had to do this with workmates previously who dont take a hint and its really the professional thing to do if any other route causes issues. just dont be available.

    id also echo the worries about how you approach your boss. the advice above about addressing this firmly, straight-on but professionally is good imo. nip this in the bud with your boss, don't engage any further with yerwan, problem solved.


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    #14
    skallywag
    Registered Users Posts: 2,987 ✭✭✭skallywag


    notacluewhatshappening2020 wrote: »
    Our boss mentioned it to me and wanted to let me know he never made any remarks but also told me that she couldn't have meant any harm and there's no malice in her.

    Your boss has handled this badly with a response like this.

    There is clearly malice in her, she deliberately lied to you about a serious topic which has direct influence on you, i.e. letting you think that your boss had said that you did a bad job.

    I would be distancing myself from her in the future, to be frank she sounds like a manipulative bitch who will not hesitate to stand on your head, or turn on the waterworks etc, for her own good.


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    #15
    qwerty13
    Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    Faye Uneven Bedbug wrote: »
    Tactical.

    Ok! I did not cop that. I was shocked at the suggestion to be ‘hands on’ with their boss over something they’re peed off about!


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    #16
    gmisk
    Registered Users Posts: 31,974 ✭✭✭✭gmisk


    Ditch her....she sounds tapped!


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    #17
    Purple Mountain
    Registered Users Posts: 13,028 ✭✭✭✭Purple Mountain


    Ande1975 wrote: »
    I think it was a typo - 'tactly' not 'tactile' - or at least I hope so...

    Wopps, my bad.
    Yes tactly.
    :D

    To thine own self be true



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    #18
    nthclare
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 3,316 ✭✭✭nthclare


    These people are very transient, when their transparency is exposed they'll move on to another job.

    A bit like dodgy CEO's 3 years in the job, turn a company upside down inside out and move on before the ship sinks.

    I see how the op is frustrated and I walked in her shoes before, but one day dealing with **** stirrers clicked and since then they dont effect me.

    Wishing you luck OP


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    #19
    harr
    Registered Users Posts: 4,478 ✭✭✭harr


    I think every work place has someone like this and In my experience they are to be avoided if possible ... she will drag you into drama and probably land you in trouble... god knows what what she is saying to others about you ... as mentioned a **** stirrer of the highest order. Just saying enough to get people worked up and not going into details.
    I worked with a woman before who lived in a complete fantasy world ... the stuff she came out was mad ... she finally got sacked after hinting the boss was making advances towards her and even when caught out on lies she still swore blind he was after her .. when caught she even went to HR to make complaint against him.


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    #20
    SozBbz
    Registered Users Posts: 1,889 ✭✭✭SozBbz


    I can't figure out why you're bothering to try to understand her - you know what shes like, pinning a nice label to her is not going to change matters.

    She's clearly identified you on some level as being an easy mark, firstly to sit quietly and let her drone on about herself, and secondly (more concerning) as someone to mess with either for sport or for more nefarious purposes.

    Who cares why shes like this? All you need to do is;

    -avoid her
    -distance yourself
    -don't listen to anything where she is the source


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    #21
    valoren
    Registered Users Posts: 5,458 ✭✭✭valoren


    You've established that she is a pernicious liar. Avoid and only interact with her when absolutely necessary preferably with company. She is cultivating a reputation and ultimately she'll move on to another job where she'll be telling her new colleagues that the likes of you and your colleagues were deeply disappointed that she was leaving. People like that are fire-starters. The kind who stir up ****, stand back and enjoy the drama and play dumb when confronted.


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    #22
    kmc25_1
    Registered Users Posts: 38 ✭kmc25_1


    Purple Mountain wrote: »
    Wopps, my bad.
    Yes tactly.
    :D

    Can I tactfully suggest you may still not have it correct? 😜


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    #23
    Airyfairy12
    Registered Users Posts: 3,390 ✭✭✭Airyfairy12


    Sounds like she feels threatened by you and is trying to ruin your 'tight' relationships with colleagues. She's very manipulative. Write down every incident with dates, times and who was present when they took place. Everyone will see through her eventually.


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    #24
    Just some bloke
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3 ✭Just some bloke


    If you need to label it, no, it's not gaslighting. Gaslighting involves abusing somebody, then making them and others believe it never happened or the victim is to blame.

    The girl has no confidence and is trying to shore up her professional position by lying, exaggerating and trying to make you (and probably others) look bad. That's not really narcissism either, that would involve her genuinely believing she is that great, which he doesn't.

    That said, it hardly matters, she's unprofessional and untruthful. I would suggest you start keeping a diary of all those interactions where she tells you someone is unhappy with you, your work was off etc. I'll bet that over the next few weeks and months she will look for other victims, stage emotional breakdowns, make accusations and probably leave the job claiming to have got some fantastic offer somewhere else. I'd suggest also that anytime she says someone is unhappy with your work, respond by smiling and saying you have a meeting scheduled with that someone to discuss the work and you'll be sure to bring that up.


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    #25
    the14thwarrior
    Registered Users Posts: 392 ✭✭the14thwarrior


    i cannot stress enough how these people can somehow manage to survive and go unnoticed by bosses. Or how some bosses are really fooled by them, and some bosses enjoy the "gossip" or the chance to "get one up on one of their employees". You'd be surprised! It really depends on how much the boss believes her, your colleagues, etc.

    A pinch of the truth and a large dollap of horse sh*t and some people will thrive on it. she will create quiet chaos and staff split all the way.

    Protect yourself. Twice she's managed to tell you your boss or your colleague has spoken about you / said something that wasn't true.

    keep a dairy.
    go to your boss in a very professional manner and outline straight away what happened, twice, at least you have another colleague to back you up (although at the end they may not want to).
    keep a distance from your wan, keep any and all information away from her
    confide in a few trusted colleagues about what happened, so if she comes to them, they may know, be warned
    be careful she could come back with a bullying case
    be polite to her, she could bring a case of bullying by you

    i had a case of this myself, only I thought the boss was on my side, but not really
    it took months before my collegues realised everyone was being fed a line of horse sh*t
    one girl stopped talking to me and left the job and years later when i met her, she told me she knew all about what i said about her. I never said anything, and really liked her. sadly i'm not sure if she believed me

    don't bother to try to understand her. She tried to get you into trouble at least twice with no thought for your career, feelings, work relationship.

    Hopefully she will get caught out....... soon.........


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