Unsettled and upset, trying to keep a sense of perspective

Moonbeams8 · 23-03-2020 11:07am #1

To start off with, I and my family are in the full of our health which is the most important thing. I'm also aware there are far more serious concerns for people in the world at the present time.

Basically, three life events have happened to me recently, which on top of all the upset surrounding the coronavirus have unsettled me.

Firstly, I had set all of my hopes on getting a specific role with a specific company. I have prioritised my career throughout all of my 20s and while I have achieved a lot of success, this role was something I was really striving for and I have been working towards it for the past 3 years.

Last week I found out I was unsuccessful. To be totally honest, I (foolishly) wasn't expecting that outcome and I am disappointed. I am a 31 year old single female and while lots of my friends are married, growing their families etc I was always focused on my career and happy to do so.

I realise now, stupidly, that I had it all planned out. Get this job, become established, then I'd focus on my personal life. I have always prioritised my professional life. While I am content in my current job, mentally I had already left which I know was a stupid thing to do. I had felt that all of the pieces were coming together and now was my time.

It's hard not to feel like my approach was all wrong. While celebrating all of the personal milestones in my friends lives, mine were always work related.

Secondly, just 5 weeks ago I bought a house. It is a great house in a great area however it needs renovations. I am overwhelmed with decisions for the house - especially now, not knowing the lay of the land with the economy and paying back a mortgage on a house that will plummet in value with a paycut surely coming. I moved back in with my parents last month, on the basis that I would be moving into my new home within three months. That has all stalled due to the uncertainty regarding the virus/potential lockdown.

Thirdly, I had a friend who I've always had feelings for in the background. It seemed to me like he felt the same way. I presumed that eventually we'd get together (again - stupid, foolish plans). We are both extremely driven in our fields of work and things never seemed to fall in line for us. He lived abroad for quite some time but we stayed in touch throughout. He moved back to Ireland and within months began a relationship with a girl which has turned out to be quite serious, he is probably going to marry her. Now I realise, clearly he only ever viewed me as a friend. I know I'm slightly looking at this through rose tinted glasses as there were things he did that I was concerned about, mainly his drinking. However that appears to have all stopped now that he is in a steady relationship and I realise I was wrong to be focusing on that/being worried about it. I have been single my whole life - my career has always come first and I've never prioritised my social life or dates. Any free time I get from work, I pool together my days and my money and go travelling. I have travelled around the world over the past ten years - solo and with friends. I feel like if and when I start dating (I know I'm going to have to start) it's going to be a red flag to men that at 31 I've never had a serious relationship.

The past few months have had their disappointments. I've been coping with them well I thought, especially when coronavirus hit as it gave me a sense of perspective and I've been gladly helping out my parents. Now though, I'm on day 10 of working from home/self isolating/social distancing and finding myself with a lot of thinking time.

To sum it up, I feel like a failure. I don't know what it is I'm trying to achieve by posting this here when there are far more serious worries for people but I feel like if I don't try and get these thoughts out of my head, they'll fester more and more inside of me. I've been getting out for walks and trying to keep busy but I'm finding it hard to keep a sense of perspective and be optimistic for the future. Thanks for reading.

zapper55 · 23-03-2020 11:28am

Congratulations on buying a house that's brilliant. You dont have to make any decisions about it at the moment but if you do want to move in soon why not bounce some ideas off a trusted friend? Having workmen in while you dont live there might be ideal in the current circumstances.

Sounds like you had a lucky escape with your man. Drinking issues, wants to marry a girl after a month... and you are looking at his relationship from the outside you've no idea what its really like.

I'm sorry about the job, I've been there and its crushing. Take time to grieve not getting something you've worked so long for. Then I'd take a step back and evaluate why you didn't. Can you keep working towards similar or perhaps you need to go in a different direction.

I'd say many many people are having life crisies maybe moment, we all have too much time on our hands at the moment. You will get through this. Do you have a structure to your day at the moment? That's certainly helping me.

Finchie1276 · 23-03-2020 12:39pm

Hi

You have been extremely career driven. Thats fine, if thats what you want. For most people though they realise that career is only one part of a successful life. It sounds as though you are a planner and expect outcomes in a particular way. Life as you have found out is not like that.

What would it be like if you were to put effort into dating like you put effort into your work but with no attached outcomes. Just see. (Obviously now with Covid-19 its a bad time to start - but when this passes)
I have plenty of friends like you who do the work thing. Many realise in their forties that the glass ceiling is still unfortunately there, they cant reach seniority even though their male colleagues can etc. They forgot to have fun along the way and their companies see them as an easy target for extra work and travel due to no kids/ no partner. Life does not have to be with a partner but most people at some point want a partner. Maybe thats something to think about?

Re: COVID 19 - yes it has given everyone lots to think about: why do I work like I do, is this what I want to do with my life etc. These are questions worth answering. A rounded life is far more interesting and than can include career success too!

Good Luck

Moonbeams8 · 23-03-2020 3:35pm

Thank you both for your replies. I went out for a long, hard run (I'm in the countryside so was socially distancing) and I'm feeling a bit better as a result. The power of exercise!

I agree that my priorities need to change. I'm not looking back with regret on how I've lived my life as I have had a great one - just a very independent, career focused one.

I just hope I haven't left it too late.

I don't even know where to start with dating once the virus passes bar downloading the apps. Going on a first date will be interesting. "So how many relationships have you had?". Well....

bitofabind · 23-03-2020 6:47pm

Moonbeams8 wrote: »

I don't even know where to start with dating once the virus passes bar downloading the apps. Going on a first date will be interesting. "So how many relationships have you had?". Well....

Start at the beginning. And be your authentic self. Your reasons for remaining single are yours, they're valuable, they speak of a strong work ethic and the right person will respect and cherish that about you. And trust me of all the reasons I wouldn't want to date someone - them prioritising work for their early working years would not be one of them. Plenty of ya out there!

I think what you're dealing with now is an opportunity to reflect on your life that you've not had up to now. I say that as someone in the same position - on the hamster wheel of life, busy striving and achieving and striving and achieving and suddenly, in the face of all this uncertainty, it's like 'who am I? Who will I be without this job? Why don't I have the things I thought I would have by now?"

My advice would be two-fold.

1. Be compassionate to yourself. You deserve kindness and happiness. You're a hard-working, honest, good person who got caught on the hamster wheel for a while, that's all. You did what worked for you at the time, and now you want to try something different. Now you want more than just a career.

Try to ramp up the self-care these weeks. Establish a water-tight routine that accounts for healthy sleeping, eating and exercise as well as staying on top of your work schedule. And spend time connecting with family and friends too (remotely of course). That's what life is all about

2. Use this opportunity for space and re-evaluation. This (hopefully) will never happen again in our lifetimes. My approach is - this is here to teach me something. This is giving me space that I haven't had in my life for decades now. Space to breathe and to consider - what do I really want? If I lose my job in the morning, how can I make sure I'll be ok? And I mean that mentally. My job has been my life for most of it, same as you. It's not a good foundation to build anything on. Jobs come and go, mad viruses come along and threaten it all! You need something more meaningful, more important to draw your self-identity from.

Sounds a bit Oprah, but I can highly recommend keeping a journal, writing down how you feel about where you are and how you got here in life. Keep up the runs and the long walks. Podcasts are great too. Download Headspace and spend ten minutes a day listening to yourself breathe. Use this chance to slow down and to learn about what it is you actually need. Use this chance to change.

A few addendums:
- You're 31! In no universe is that leaving it "too late". Plenty ahead of ya girl.
- You probably fixated on that long-term friend more than is healthy because you're not used to dating / relationships. He doesn't sound like the most suitable candidate tbh, draw a line under him and move upwards now. Plenty of fish in the sea!

Finchie1276 · 23-03-2020 10:07pm

Moonbeams8 wrote: »

Thank you both for your replies. I went out for a long, hard run (I'm in the countryside so was socially distancing) and I'm feeling a bit better as a result. The power of exercise!

I agree that my priorities need to change. I'm not looking back with regret on how I've lived my life as I have had a great one - just a very independent, career focused one.

I just hope I haven't left it too late.

I don't even know where to start with dating once the virus passes bar downloading the apps. Going on a first date will be interesting. "So how many relationships have you had?". Well....

Hey! It will be great. A new adventure. Don't set any expectations and if you go at it with any of the energy you have for your career and independent travel then you will play a blinder! Remember most outcomes we set are too narrow and then we see them as failures. If you are really interested in playing around with having a curious mind then take a look at mindfulness, zen buddhism or the writing of Jon Kabat Zinn. All interesting particularly around expectations and self talk. Good Luck!!

Moonbeams8 · 24-03-2020 8:45am

bitofabind wrote: »

Be compassionate to yourself. You deserve kindness and happiness. You're a hard-working, honest, good person who got caught on the hamster wheel for a while, that's all. You did what worked for you at the time, and now you want to try something different. Now you want more than just a career.

Thank you, sincerely. This post made me well up. I am grateful for all of the replies - for their reassurance and optimism. I am also so thankful you took time out of your own lives to help a stranger!

I think what is ahead of me is a change in terms of how I live my life. The virus has forced me to take stock and evaluate my life - though I am finding this difficult, it is probably an extreme thing I needed to realise work does not make me truly happy.

I have found that my work gave me purpose, success, a sense of achievement, an identity, financial rewards...my family have always gently reminded me there's more to life but I always felt there was time for all of that once I had achieved everything I wanted in my career. I am a "box ticker" as a previous poster alluded to. Now I realise, had I secured this elusive job I have aspired to for years, after some time had passed I probably would have been chasing down the next "elusive role".

The last post where the poster said this change in my life will be an adventure - thank you. That is the way I am going to look at the next phase of my life. I am sure it will take time to adjust - even this morning I woke up again with a feeling of heaviness on my chest. I think it is the mixture of emotions that I'm feeling and trying to process but I'm going to head out for a run now and take things day by day.

Again, I know what I'm experiencing is minor in comparison to many others right now so thank you for helping me gain some perspective on my life. It has definitely made me feel better.

Chickpea111 · 24-03-2020 11:46am

Moonbeams8 wrote: »

To start off with, I and my family are in the full of our health which is the most important thing. I'm also aware there are far more serious concerns for people in the world at the present time.

Basically, three life events have happened to me recently, which on top of all the upset surrounding the coronavirus have unsettled me.

Firstly, I had set all of my hopes on getting a specific role with a specific company. I have prioritised my career throughout all of my 20s and while I have achieved a lot of success, this role was something I was really striving for and I have been working towards it for the past 3 years.

Last week I found out I was unsuccessful. To be totally honest, I (foolishly) wasn't expecting that outcome and I am disappointed. I am a 31 year old single female and while lots of my friends are married, growing their families etc I was always focused on my career and happy to do so.

I realise now, stupidly, that I had it all planned out. Get this job, become established, then I'd focus on my personal life. I have always prioritised my professional life. While I am content in my current job, mentally I had already left which I know was a stupid thing to do. I had felt that all of the pieces were coming together and now was my time.

It's hard not to feel like my approach was all wrong. While celebrating all of the personal milestones in my friends lives, mine were always work related.

Secondly, just 5 weeks ago I bought a house. It is a great house in a great area however it needs renovations. I am overwhelmed with decisions for the house - especially now, not knowing the lay of the land with the economy and paying back a mortgage on a house that will plummet in value with a paycut surely coming. I moved back in with my parents last month, on the basis that I would be moving into my new home within three months. That has all stalled due to the uncertainty regarding the virus/potential lockdown.

Thirdly, I had a friend who I've always had feelings for in the background. It seemed to me like he felt the same way. I presumed that eventually we'd get together (again - stupid, foolish plans). We are both extremely driven in our fields of work and things never seemed to fall in line for us. He lived abroad for quite some time but we stayed in touch throughout. He moved back to Ireland and within months began a relationship with a girl which has turned out to be quite serious, he is probably going to marry her. Now I realise, clearly he only ever viewed me as a friend. I know I'm slightly looking at this through rose tinted glasses as there were things he did that I was concerned about, mainly his drinking. However that appears to have all stopped now that he is in a steady relationship and I realise I was wrong to be focusing on that/being worried about it. I have been single my whole life - my career has always come first and I've never prioritised my social life or dates. Any free time I get from work, I pool together my days and my money and go travelling. I have travelled around the world over the past ten years - solo and with friends. I feel like if and when I start dating (I know I'm going to have to start) it's going to be a red flag to men that at 31 I've never had a serious relationship.

The past few months have had their disappointments. I've been coping with them well I thought, especially when coronavirus hit as it gave me a sense of perspective and I've been gladly helping out my parents. Now though, I'm on day 10 of working from home/self isolating/social distancing and finding myself with a lot of thinking time.

To sum it up, I feel like a failure. I don't know what it is I'm trying to achieve by posting this here when there are far more serious worries for people but I feel like if I don't try and get these thoughts out of my head, they'll fester more and more inside of me. I've been getting out for walks and trying to keep busy but I'm finding it hard to keep a sense of perspective and be optimistic for the future. Thanks for reading.

You should be proud of yourself girl and do not be worrying about the fact you haven’t had a serious relationship, I know couples who’ve been together years and have spent that time being miserable and killing each other ! You’ve been out there working hard and living which is a great thing. And to have so much travelling done is great too. Don’t worry about job you’re still so young and opportunities will surely come around again. Once you don’t utterly hate the position you’re in now and are content with your role that’s the main thing.
Look after yourself x

Moonbeams8 · 24-03-2020 2:32pm

I am so relieved I decided to post on here. You have all really helped me - genuinely, thank you. While I am very lucky to have a secure network of family and close friends, sometimes it is easier to talk to strangers and just let it all out.

I feel better for having got these thoughts out of my head and I do feel the knot in my chest starting to loosen. I still feel I need time to process things but maybe this all needed to happen for me. Take care of yourselves!

Kidchameleon · 24-03-2020 2:43pm

Hi congrats on all you have acheived. 31 is not near too late. I would say 35 would be starting to push it though. So my advice would be to put all your focus into your personal life. Prioritse that over your work. Your job will always be there as well as more oppertunities to be promoted. Your ability to have children however will not always be there. Also remember, would that promotion have meant longer hours? Perhaps its a blessing in discuise that you didnt get it.

antix80 · 24-03-2020 3:10pm

Hey.. it's a great time for self reflection!

People get silly ideas in their heads.. often its teachers or parents who plant them, but most of the time they're (often) childish notions that you run with, justify, base your values on, and when they're challenged a lot of people just double-down. (e.g. retiring at 40, stupid stuff like that)

So.. good time to take stock.

You have a house -congrats btw. It's a shame you won't benefit from bargain prices but make the most of it.

You have your health.

You have a career.. sure, you had a career setback but on the bright side, even if you got the new job you'd probably be laid off with the coronavirus crisis.

I think you've been daydreaming about an ideal career, and then everything would click in place. You probably should have been dating more, enjoying someone's company without figuring out how to change them, .. I think many women around your age start to realise only so much happiness comes from working. In other countries women marry in their early 20s. In Ireland it's early 30s when women prioritise families and look for a job that suits family life - pays mat leave, lets you nip out for appointments rather than clocking in and out, pays enough so you can go on a 3 day week while your husband does 5 and still come out with the same cash as someone who gets paid 5 days in a rubbish job, etc.

Try not to value work or career over everything else in life. And don't view men as people who need to shape up to meet your high standards. It's probably better to find someone who is trying to figure things out as much as you are and face these things together.

Daisy78 · 24-03-2020 9:15pm

Kidchameleon wrote: »

Hi congrats on all you have acheived. 31 is not near too late. I would say 35 would be starting to push it though. So my advice would be to put all your focus into your personal life. Prioritse that over your work. Your job will always be there as well as more oppertunities to be promoted. Your ability to have children however will not always be there. Also remember, would that promotion have meant longer hours? Perhaps its a blessing in discuise that you didnt get it.

Would you stop. This kind of post is completely unhelpful. 31, 35, 45 whatever, unless she is focused on having kids this isn’t an issue.

OP you can meet someone at any stage of life so don’t let anyone be putting pressure on you. You have achieved so much at 31, just read back over your first post, a great career so far, a house at a relatively young age, travel, friends and family, etc. I know the disappointment that comes with a job not working out. When you have so much of yourself into a role or a potential role and for it not to work out is demoralising. As others have said maybe this is an opportunity for you to take a look at your career path and see if it’s still something you want to pursue? Maybe it still is but at least you now have time to give it some consideration.

In relation to the guy friend you mentioned its probably a lesson learned in a way. He more than likely had plenty of opportunity to ask you out over the years but didn’t. Perhaps you overlooked this and held out hope but it’s best not to become too invested in someone who isn’t showing the same level of interest. If a guy is interested in pursuing something more then he will let you know. Get on the dating apps, become more open to meeting new people (not just guys), flirt, chat and as someone mentioned above manage your expectations with regard to the outcome.

Kidchameleon · 24-03-2020 10:25pm

Daisy78 wrote: »

Would you stop. This kind of post is completely unhelpful. 31, 35, 45 whatever, unless she is focused on having kids this isn’t an issue.

Ah there's no need for that. I was giving my perspective and the OP seemed to appreciate it. Like it or not, the dating pool is much smaller if you dont want kids. I got a sense from the OP's post that she does want a family although I acknowledge that she didn't explicitly state that. What would anyone prefer? A nice air conditioned office for 40+ hours a week or spending time with your own children?

zapper55 · 24-03-2020 11:25pm

As an aside KidC the career women i know that dont have kids have had an incredibly frustrating time dating and weren't meeting men that wanted to commit. It always bemuses me that there's an assumption that it's somehow the women's fault, which is what you are implying by suggesting women are suddenly waking up.amd realising they have a biological clock. In my experience they are very aware, granted for the OP it doesnt appear to have been on her radar.

OP glad the responses make you feel better. I think the crisis is making us all think twice about things.

Purple Mountain · 25-03-2020 2:42am

I felt compelled to reply.
I think you should look at this pandemic for the positive it has brought you. You clearly are having time for self reflection and that is fantastic.
So let's look at what I see here..
I see a woman who has bought a house on her own. That shows determination, planning and sacrifice.
A woman who has a very successful and progressive career. That shows drive, ambition and focus.
Someone who has seen the world alone or can ask friends to go with her shows a great balance between independence and being sought after for company. So you must be a good friend if others want to spend their holidays with you.

This is only a temporary blip on the road.
When this global situation passes, you still have your lovely new home to plan. You have the rest of your life to decorate and add to it as you want. But the hard work is behind you, you own that home. Well done you!

You have a job but you now have the option to take stock. Have a think and a talk to those friends and sound out some ideas and suggestions about where you would like to see your job in years but more importantly, ask for some guidance on how your friends manage work and life balance.

And about finding love.. Why would anyone care if you never had a relationship before?
The right person for you will only be interested and impressed by the qualities I've listed above. Anyone less than that tell them to jog on.
Hold your head high and expand your social circle. Aim to maybe at least try 2 new activities when we are out of social lock down. Accept all invitations you get to anything and ask those friends if they have any friends or colleagues who may be equally as lovely as you are and maybe looking to find someone like you.
Honestly when you find the right person, it'll just feel like you have known them all your life anyway, they won't be questioning why you weren't in the dating pool before now.
You can have fun enjoying a few dates and ice breakers in the meantime.

Best of luck, it's exciting time!

PS. When this blows over, hairdressers and beauticians are going to be crying out for business. Book yourself a pamper treat for an, afternoon. A cut and blow dry and manicure can make you feel like a new person for a few days.

Moonbeams8 · 25-03-2020 9:16am

Thank you - Purple Mountain especially.

To be honest, until I was halfway through 30, kids were not on my radar. I just never gave it a lot of thought. But then my gorgeous nephew arrived into the world and as a family we adore him. I was surprised by my feelings towards him in a way and I remember saying that to my sister in law soon after he was born. She is brilliant and very different to me. I remember before in relation to my career she said "I don't understand you but I fully support you". She would be a total advocate for me finding love and working on my personal life. There would be a few gentle nudges towards dating apps and she'd be telling me about women who have had lots of fun on there etc - a similar approach to my friends if I'm being honest! I remember in October we were walking on the beach and the conversation was about some random celebrity who got married and she said "there are men crying out for you if you would only put yourself out there!". There have been similar stories down through the years. My last housemate told me I worked too hard and I should "try and find someone nice to take care of me and treat me well".

I have just turned 31 and I can honestly say it's only in the past 6 months I have been feeling a change within me regarding how I view my life. I have been very happy prior to this and just assumed someone lovely would cross my path eventually, which I think has been my biggest mistake. I have clear boundaries in work and won't even allow myself to view my male colleagues in that way.

I agree I have had a lot of time for self reflection because of the virus which is a good thing and is something new for me. I did download a dating app before Christmas but didn't have the patience for texting etc on it so deleted it. I knew this job opportunity was coming up and the whole application process for it took months so that was my focus. But now that I have time to think I see how there was always a "new work or travel focus" every few months that I threw myself into. Deleting the app was the easy way out. It's hard not to look at things negatively after a disappointment (hence my posting on here) but this drastic change in life (virus) will hopefully change my life for the better.

Even if I never meet a partner, I think it's important for me that there is a shift in how I live my life. My happiness or my self-worth doesn't totally depend on having a partner - up to 6 months ago it never did - but it would be lovely to have someone lovely to share life with. I would also hate to reach the end of my life (hopefully when I'm an old woman) and not ever have been in love.

I think the advice to date without having attached outcomes is important advice for me. I think I really just need to live a little!

pinkyeye · 27-03-2020 7:59pm

OP, I'm 20 years older than you and I'm a very strong believer in the "things happen for a reason" mantra.

I didn't always think that when I was disappointed in the past but now I look back and say "thanks be to jaysus I didn't get that job, that fella, etc."

The fact that you didn't get that job you were looking for has made you look at your life and as a result you will get out there and meet someone great.

You're a catch girl, don't doubt that for a minute. Have a job, have your own house, have travelled extensively and obviously have a caring nature. You'll find someone lovely, I've no doubt about it.

Moonbeams8 · 27-03-2020 11:29pm

Thank you pinkyeye for your kindness and take care of yourself in these strange times.

Unsettled and upset, trying to keep a sense of perspective

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