Dysfunctional Sex Life

LegacyUser · 05-01-2009 1:14pm #1

Hi all,

I've been struggling with what I consider a dysfunctional sex life for the last 5 years. I've been hoping things get better, but they haven't.

The first few years together, our sex life was really great. She probably had more of a sex drive than me but since our first child, it's been all down hill.

Some features of our sex life that really bother me are:

- She won't let me see her naked. When we have sex, it's only with the lights off and she always has to be covered up. She won't even take her t-shirt off. She gets dressed/undressed in the bathroom and always does the "take the bra off while still wearing a top" trick.

- She won't let me go down on her. She never goes down on me. She won't let me even touch her down there.

- She barely lets me touch her breasts and I can't go near them with my mouth.

- She won't go on top. Sex is confined to one of two positions.

I just have the feeling that there are so many rules... I can't touch there, can't go in that position, can't look at that part... it's like having sex on egg shells and not a relaxing comfortable experience.

Basically, any time we have sex, it's like she's just doing it to keep me happy and in the end, it's just a frustrating experience.

Another aspect that complicates things is that I don't last very long when we do have sex. Which is strange because previously, I would struggle to finish and the whole experience lasted a LOT longer. Now, it's like I wait a month for something and it lasts a very short time. I've talked about it with her and she just won't work with me to try and improve things. If I try to stop before cuming, she goes mad, says its frustrating for her and she doesn't mind if it doesn't last long (.ie just wants it to be over). It wouldn't be so bad if she would let me please her in other ways, but she won't even let me touch her down there.

It's not just the sex that bothers me - it's the lack of intimacy - I mean, my own wife won't let me see her naked. It's like she's witholding a part of herself from me. I so wish she could be comfortable in bed with me... that she'd let me please her. I wish she'd let me in... pardon the pun!!!

We've talked about it over and over again, but she really seems unwilling to change anything. She manages to rationalise everything. She things that as long as she gives me sex once every 2 weeks, then everything is ok. She doesn't see the intimacy thing at all even though I've told her that's the problem for me a million times.

It must be an image problem for her - since the baby, she's not as comfortable with her own body as before... but how does she get over this? How can I help her. I give her compliments all the time, but it's the usual reaction - they just get shrugged off.

Any advice... suggestions???? Help!

jessbeth · 05-01-2009 1:30pm

I think that you guys will have to go to counselling together.

You know what it might be and this is only a stab in the dark (pardon the pun). A friend of a friend of mine was like that. She hated her after baby body, she couldn't have sex for the fear that the husband would see her after baby body and she was absolutely terrified of getting pregnant again which didn't help. Anyway it turned out to be post partum depression and after a few months on antidepressants she was right as rain again and back to her normal self. I would suggest you have a chat to your GP who could have a chat with your wife and explain that what's she feeling may be post partum depression. In any case sit her down and say that you're feeling dreadfully unhappy about it all and that you love her dearly but really want to get it sorted.

I wouldn't worry about coming to soon, it's probably all anxiety on your case and you would probably settle back to normal once things return to normal.

nomorebadtown · 05-01-2009 1:38pm

yeah thats not fair at all OP. I've had the whole only having sex to keep me quiet before and it is soul destroying. I've also had the whole sex on egg shells with lots of rules carry on. They seem to think its a puerly physical/mechanical act to aviod the build up of fluids or something. Yes after child birth your wife has lost body confidence and she is reluctantly going through the motions of performing her 'wifely duty' but the fact that you've been straight with her about the lack of intamacy being a big problem for you and she is flattly refusing to work on things with you is worrying sign and would get me down no end. Have you tried taking her away for a weekend, just you and she, no kids, nice hotel in nice surroundings or any of that jazz? Something to relax her...pampering spa treatments? climb the eiffle tower? smoke a joint? I dont really have any solutions...sex therapist maybe? i dunno..either way i feel your pain and you have my sympathy. good luck to you sir.

b3t4 · 05-01-2009 1:56pm

Take the focus off sex.

Sex is not the issue.

You can keep banging on about sex being the issue which will push and isolate your wife further is you want but I'm doubting you want to do this.

Pregnancy and motherhood can be so hard on a woman. Sure it's natural but it's tough. Pregnancy can cause loose skin, strecth marks, weight gain and scarring in the vulva/vaginal area. She's being bombarded by images of celebrity women who've had a baby and bounced back after it.

I think your wife needs to know that she's not the only woman who's had to go through body changes after pregnancy. Have her look at this website perhaps? NSFW http://theshapeofamother.com/

I feel counselling would do ye as a couple the world of good. You love you're wife right? You love her to care enough? Now love her enough to get some professional help about it. Ask your Gp for a referral.

Look her straight in the eye and tell her that you love her and you still find her extremely sexy and that you're deadly seriously about that. Don't fluff it up, it doesn't need it.

A.

LegacyUser · 05-01-2009 2:00pm

It's very hard to feel sexy when your body has been changed beyond recognition, when you see your wobbly belly as disgusting and your "bits" as horribly mutilated. You may not see your wife like this but it could be how she sees herself. It's not about how you see her but about how she sees herself. Can you talk about re-establishing intimacy without it necessarily leading to sex? A pampering massage without any pressure for it to go further- just for her to feel good about you touching her again. Do you compliment her and reassure her about how attractive she is?
Oh and sexy underwear which also covers the bits you want covered can work wonders- but she's got to make that move herself.

LegacyUser · 05-01-2009 2:12pm

Thanks for all the replies.

b3t4 wrote: »

Take the focus off sex.

Sex is not the issue.

You can keep banging on about sex being the issue which will push and isolate your wife further is you want but I'm doubting you want to do this.

Hi A. Thanks for the reply. I thought I was fairly clear that sex was not the only issue for me - that it was the lack of intimacy - a problematic sex life is the result of this. I'm trying to sort all this out and I'm "banging on about" an issue that is bothering me. I could pretend it's not an issue for me but it is. It's definitely not the root cause and that's what I'm trying to find and do something about.

b3t4 wrote: »

Pregnancy and motherhood can be so hard on a woman. Sure it's natural but it's tough. Pregnancy can cause loose skin, strecth marks, weight gain and scarring in the vulva/vaginal area. She's being bombarded by images of celebrity women who've had a baby and bounced back after it.

I think your wife needs to know that she's not the only woman who's had to go through body changes after pregnancy. Have her look at this website perhaps? NSFW http://theshapeofamother.com/

You know, we've talked about it so many times before, I think she would just be annoyed if I pointed this out to her.

b3t4 wrote: »

I feel counselling would do ye as a couple the world of good. You love you're wife right? You love her to care enough? Now love her enough to get some professional help about it. Ask your Gp for a referral.

Look her straight in the eye and tell her that you love her and you still find her extremely sexy and that you're deadly seriously about that. Don't fluff it up, it doesn't need it.

A.

Yes, I love her a lot.

I'm always telling her she looks great. Some women can very stubbornly refuse to accept compliments and just shrug them off. That's what I find. I find my wife extremely sexually attractive and I believe she knows this... in fact, it probably bothers her. It feels like she has an image of herself that she's subbornly holding onto. Like it's convenient for her or something.

LegacyUser · 05-01-2009 2:17pm

Unregistered wrote: »

It's very hard to feel sexy when your body has been changed beyond recognition, when you see your wobbly belly as disgusting and your "bits" as horribly mutilated. You may not see your wife like this but it could be how she sees herself. It's not about how you see her but about how she sees herself. Can you talk about re-establishing intimacy without it necessarily leading to sex? A pampering massage without any pressure for it to go further- just for her to feel good about you touching her again. Do you compliment her and reassure her about how attractive she is?
Oh and sexy underwear which also covers the bits you want covered can work wonders- but she's got to make that move herself.

Thanks.

I appreciate the after-baby image thing and the female perspective. What were the main things that helped you get over that view of yourself?

Sexy underwear thing is interesting - have done that before but I never saw it on her. I know she's worn it becuase I've seen it in the laundry basket. I don't think she will ever buy sexy underwear for herself. If we were at the place where she could do that and was willing for me to see her in it - I think the problem would be solved.

jessbeth · 05-01-2009 3:10pm

I think people can suggest getting away for weekends and sexy underwear etc but no offense to anyone but in my opinion until you get to the bottom of the reasons she really feels like she does all those things won't solve anything. I really think you need to find out why she is feeling the way she does and solve that first and then thinking about the getting away and the sexy undies.

LegacyUser · 05-01-2009 3:29pm

Unregistered wrote: »

Thanks.

I appreciate the after-baby image thing and the female perspective. What were the main things that helped you get over that view of yourself?

Sexy underwear thing is interesting - have done that before but I never saw it on her. I know she's worn it becuase I've seen it in the laundry basket. I don't think she will ever buy sexy underwear for herself. If we were at the place where she could do that and was willing for me to see her in it - I think the problem would be solved.

I still haven't got over that view of myself to be honest but it has improved and I do believe that he is attracted to me (most of the time). He tells me this all the time- he also makes a fuss of the bits that he knows I'm ok with and not too paranoid about

. Honestly the underwear thing helped but happened by accident when I just pulled something from the back of the wardrobe that hadn't been seen for years just for the sake of covering up a bit but it had effects I hadn't anticipated, and surprised myself by liking, and really I think that marked the turning phase. I can look at myself in said (and similar) item and think "hey I'm not too bad". Without I'm just ughh. I don't know how you can encourage this though...the sexy underwear you see in the laundry basket she probably just sees as underwear.

i'll also admit we're not out of the woods... oral is still a no no but we have reached a stage that when we do have sex (still not as frequently as he's like it) he knows that I want it and I enjoy it.

LegacyUser · 05-01-2009 3:44pm

Unregistered wrote: »

I still haven't got over that view of myself to be honest but it has improved and I do believe that he is attracted to me (most of the time). He tells me this all the time- he also makes a fuss of the bits that he knows I'm ok with and not too paranoid about . Honestly the underwear thing helped but happened by accident when I just pulled something from the back of the wardrobe that hadn't been seen for years just for the sake of covering up a bit but it had effects I hadn't anticipated, and surprised myself by liking, and really I think that marked the turning phase. I can look at myself in said (and similar) item and think "hey I'm not too bad". Without I'm just ughh. I don't know how you can encourage this though...the sexy underwear you see in the laundry basket she probably just sees as underwear.

i'll also admit we're not out of the woods... oral is still a no no but we have reached a stage that when we do have sex (still not as frequently as he's like it) he knows that I want it and I enjoy it.

Thanks a million - it's really helpful to get the perspective of someone in this situation. I really wish I could talk to my wife about it, but I've tried talking about it so many times in the past I'm just afraid of labouring the subject and that it will do more damage than good.

Can I ask what bits in particular you are comfortable with? I know, for instance, many women don't like their tummies... but what bits are safe to comment on??? :-)

Just in case it's appropriate to suggest... could you send me a linky to an undergarment similar to what you're referring to?

LegacyUser · 06-01-2009 1:04am

Hey OP,
I think the suggestion by someone above to give her massages etc that come with no pressure to lead to anything else is a very good idea. I have to say i feel for your wife. I know what she's going through and its probably a lot of emotions overwhelming her that she doesnt know what she thinks. Firstly i imaging her body image is at a low and no amount of compliments will be heard until she is ready to hear them. I think she may be frustrated with herself for feeling like this and then this leads to frustration in the bedroom. You also mentioned that sex can sometimes be over quite quickly.... maybe she feels like shes the cause of this? I think just go back to "dating" her..wine her,and dine her and make her feel special. bring her shopping and let her pick out a nice outfit that she looks well in and let her know that theres no pressure and hopefully her self confidence might rise...
best of luck

LegacyUser · 06-01-2009 2:59pm

Thanks again all for the replies.

A lot of the suggestions involve trying to make her feel special again, by "dating her again", by wining and dining her or by taking her shopping for a nice outfit.

My experience is when I try to do those things she's never interested. We don't have a baby sitter so we never go out - she's not interested in going out - any time I mention it she comes up with a million reasons not to. She's more the quiet night in kind of girl it's a little bit harder to make things special at home.

All you females out there who can indentify with the whole negative self image associated with after-baby body... what specific things/factors contributed to a restoration of your self image?

Dysfunctional Sex Life

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