What can I do?

LegacyUser · 05-01-2009 11:56am #1

I'm in a tricky little prediciment here, and I would appreciate some insight.

Last year (on New Years Day 2008 in fact) I met up with an ex-girlfriend of mine (from many many years ago). We got on like a house on fire and decided to start seeing one another. She is the most amazing woman, and I would do anything for her. The only problem we had during the relationship was her mother. The first time I met her mom we got on fantasticly, but for some reason she decided after that, that she did not approve of me any more. She would be constantly sniping at my ex about going out with me, giving her crap any time she went home, sending her text messages about it etc.

She also won't tell anyone why she hates me so much.

We broke up once or twice last year, always for a short time, we would always get back together pretty quickly. At the start of November we broke up again, and it's been like that since. The last two months have really sucked. I miss her like hell. (For the record, the ONLY reason for ANY of the breakups is the amount of hastle she gets off her mother).

Now, we bumped into each other a few days ago, and we went for a drive last night and had a long chat about it. She is still in love with me (I feel the same), she still wants to be with me (I feel the same), but she wont because of all the stress it causes with her family. It's horrific, imagine wanting to be with someone, and they want to be with you, and the only thing keeping you apart is someone standing behind the scenes playing their little games. I really don't know what to do.

Just some background for you. We both have good jobs, there is an age gap, but nothing huge (I am 27, she is 23), I don't take drugs, I'm not a very heavy drinker, I have never hurt her or any other woman in my life. I come from a good family, from a good area. In other words, there is nothing about my background that would throw her off. I have, in the past, got on with the parents of every girl I went out with. I'm polite to them, etc.

I really don't know what to do. I have offered to go talk to her parents to talk it out with them to see if we can find what the issue is and resolve it (She refuses, said it will only cause more crap for her), I have tried to explain to her that she is going to have to stand up to this manipulation at some stage, because otherwise it is just going to keep on happening. I want her back in my life. She knows this.

Any ideas on any approach I could take? Any way I could explain it to her?

jessbeth · 05-01-2009 1:05pm

I really hate to say but if I really was in love with someone there is no way that anybody including any family member would keep us apart especially without a good reason. I think she might be just using the mother as an excuse otherwise why wouldn't she let you talk to her parents, what has she got to lose. When she says this will only cause more hassle, I have to call BS on that one, if she loves you that much then all the hassle would be worth it if you two get to stay together. I would go and talk to her parents and see what the story is. That is basically all you can do. I do wish that she is is telling you the truth but just from an outside perspective it just sounds as an excuse.

LegacyUser · 06-01-2009 12:37am

Hi, OP here.

I can very much see where you are coming from here, I know I would see it the same way from the outside. But it's not like that. She has put up with an insane amount of abuse over the last year, getting messages that she is a disappointment, that she is 'no daughter of mine' and the like. And that's only the text messages.

The whole family is so used to just putting up with her mothers bullsh*t that they just roll over. Her Father tried to butt in about it at the start, but just got so much hassle about it (he has to live with the woman) that he just eventually dropped it (He never behaved differently to her the entire time we were together), her brother tried to intervene but eventually just said he did not want all the extra hassle and just to leave him out of it.

Had a massive blow up on the phone with her tonight about it, and I tried to explain to her that she is going to have to put a stop to this at some stage. I am not the first thing in her life that her mother brow beat her into giving up, and I almost certainly won't be the last. And if anything is worth drawing a line and fighting for then love is.

Really, the amount of abuse she has put up with off this woman is insane. My ex is terrified that her family won't speak to her (Only her parents live here, all her other relatives are at the other side of the country, so she only gets to see them once or twice a year anyway.). She insists that it will only bring it all back up again. And after a year of it, she is sick of it. She claims that there is no way her mother will change her mind.

jessbeth · 06-01-2009 11:29am

Well then she needs to make a decision, you or her mother. Tell her the two of you could go and find a nice place together and build your own little family. Why would she want to stay stuck with that type of a person in her life anyway. You could also use the argument that if the mother is as bad as all that then the rest of the family will stay talking to her because they would all know what the mother is like.

The mother sounds like a complete cow and if the girl never makes a stand then she will spend her whole life miserable because she will never do what she wants herself.

That would be a life lost, it really would.

beertons · 06-01-2009 11:41am

Does she still live with her parents? If so, she has to move out.

LegacyUser · 06-01-2009 11:52am

No, she does not live at home. But she goes home once or twice a week to see them, she is normally quite close to her folks.

The rest of her family do stay talking to her when we are together. They just wont argue on her behalf because they think it is pointless. I have told her that she needs to cop on, that she is going to have to stand up to this at some stage, because it can't go on forever. I have told her that she has to be her own person and that she does not have to put up with that bullsh*t so she can fit in someones little box.

She has gone to think about it, I have my fingers crossed, but I have a horrible feeling that she will just fold on this. She is too non-confrontational about things like this.

daftdave · 06-01-2009 11:53am

have to agree with jessbeth, its harsh but might need to be done and you might not like the outcome , or then again it might just be the straw that breaks the camels back and makes your girl take the plunge and stand up to her ma.

her ma sounds like a dominating poisoned mind , and is trying to drag her daughter down .

if there is no other way, than an ultimatum is the last throw of the dice, if it does not go your way , then move on and mean it, dont go back for more , as it will just happen again.

best of luck.

Sugar Drunk · 06-01-2009 11:54am

my mum used to be extremely controlling like that. When I started going out with my boyfriend she did not like him on principle for various reasons. So I moved out and let her have her sulking and her not speaking to me. eventually she copped on and gets on fine with him now.
Your girlfriend needs to make a stand and get out from under her mothers thumb. If she loved you enough she should be able to stand up for herself. You offer to speak to her mum and try resolve it was a brave one and its dissapointing that she will not try that.
At 23 she is old enough to start making her own decisions in life

Beruthiel · 06-01-2009 1:38pm

At 23 years of age you should have enough back bone to tell your mother butt out.
Any mother still controlling their childs life at age 23 needs to be reminded that they no longer have any say on how their child leads their own life.
Most parents have enough cop on to get this, clearly this woman doesn't.
You're g/f is enabling her mothers behaviour and until she stands up for herself this will continue until one of them is dead.

LegacyUser · 06-01-2009 1:53pm

Firstly, thank you everyone here for all your comments. I know you just say it like it is, and more than anything else it has been re-enforcing my thoughts on it. I seem to be getting somewhere though, I have got permission to write to her mother, which while it is less than what I want to do, at least it is some bit of a compromise. I just need to articulate what I want to say in a way that while it tells her mother she is a selfish, manipulitive idiot, it does so in a way that does not just make this worse. What is even more important though, is that my ex reads this. Maybe that will open her eyes a little bit about what is actually going on here.

Beruthiel · 06-01-2009 2:11pm

Unregistered wrote: »

I seem to be getting somewhere though, I have got permission to write to her mother.

Seriously, is this for real???
IMO, if this was happening to me, then I'd be writing to the woman when hell freezes over.
You should not be getting invloved here.
This is between your g/f and her mother and the two of them should be sorting this out, not you.

Wagon · 06-01-2009 2:24pm

Beruthiel wrote: »

Seriously, is this for real???
IMO, if this was happening to me, then I'd be writing to the woman when hell freezes over.
You should not be getting invloved here.
This is between your g/f and her mother and the two of them should be sorting this out, not you.

Completely agree. What good will writing to the mother do anyway? you can easily throw away a letter without reading it.

Tell your lady that she needs to actually stand up for herself here. It's the onyl way it'll change. I've known families that are a horrible shower of interfering ***** in their childrens lives, and the only way to sort it is if the children get up and give a two fingered farewell to them. The parents are more often than not, too old to change.

LegacyUser · 06-01-2009 2:34pm

Beruthiel wrote: »

Seriously, is this for real???
IMO, if this was happening to me, then I'd be writing to the woman when hell freezes over.
You should not be getting invloved here.
This is between your g/f and her mother and the two of them should be sorting this out, not you.

If she will not stand up for herself then I sure as hell will. I am NOT going to stand by and watch the woman I love be manipulated and bullied by a bloody control freak. If this has to start with a letter then so be it. I can't just do nothing and let it go.

I am already involved here. I am loosing the woman I love because of this childish bullsh*t!

As I said, it is more important for me that she reads this than it is that her mother reads this anyway.

I really don't know what else to do here. I am grabbing at any straw that I can find. It's bloody depressing to see how used to this crap she is, it's depressing to see what she has put up with in the last year to be with me.

castle · 06-01-2009 2:36pm

The issue is not you can't you see that.Her monther is losing her daughter and she does not know how to deal with it.For eg her daughter will in time not see her folks every week due to work,you ,soical life etc this her Mum need to blame on someone and looks like it is going to be you.Don.t tell your girlfriend to cop on again.She gets enough of this crap from her Mother so please don't you start.Do yourself a favor and stop thinking of how it effects you but just be there for your girlfriend,listen to her stop trying to get her to say this,that to her Mum that is not her if it was she would have said it long ago don't you think.She needs you just to be supportive of her and if she wants your opinion she will ask for it.Don't you see you to are starting to act a little bit like her Mum.Don't want to sound bad but just try just been there for her without the advice.
Ask your GF is there anything I can do to make your life better as this is really what you want to do,right.

beertons · 06-01-2009 2:47pm

The girl and mother are having problems, and you get to write the letter? That's not right man. Read the posts above again incase you missed something. You are not to blame for their relationship becoming sour. You are the scapegoat for both of them. Just my 2c.

LegacyUser · 06-01-2009 2:49pm

castle wrote: »

The issue is not you can't you see that.Her monther is losing her daughter and she does not know how to deal with it.For eg her daughter will in time not see her folks every week due to work,you ,soical life etc this her Mum need to blame on someone and looks like it is going to be you.Don.t tell your girlfriend to cop on again.She gets enough of this crap from her Mother so please don't you start.Do yourself a favor and stop thinking of how it effects you but just be there for your girlfriend,listen to her stop trying to get her to say this,that to her Mum that is not her if it was she would have said it long ago don't you think.She needs you just to be supportive of her and if she wants your opinion she will ask for it.Don't you see you to are starting to act a little bit like her Mum.Don't want to sound bad but just try just been there for her without the advice.
Ask your GF is there anything I can do to make your life better as this is really what you want to do,right.

The problem here is that she is not my girlfriend any more. She caved after a year of abuse.

We still love each other, and want to be together but she just can't put up with all this **** at home. Because it is all the family she has she is not willing to cut contact, and she is terrified that her mother will disown her or something and that if down the line it does not work out for us that she will be totally alone.

06-01-2009 3:23pm

Unregistered wrote: »

If she will not stand up for herself then I sure as hell will. I am NOT going to stand by and watch the woman I love be manipulated and bullied by a bloody control freak. If this has to start with a letter then so be it. I can't just do nothing and let it go.

I am already involved here. I am loosing the woman I love because of this childish bullsh*t!

As I said, it is more important for me that she reads this than it is that her mother reads this anyway.

I really don't know what else to do here. I am grabbing at any straw that I can find. It's bloody depressing to see how used to this crap she is, it's depressing to see what she has put up with in the last year to be with me.

In all fairness,I wouldnt be surprised if your gf's mother laughed at and tore up your letter.
That solution is so ridiculous it's off the scale.

What you need to be doing is to be getting it through to your gf's skull that mothers don't abandon daughters.
You are not bad news so she just needs to ignore the mammy's opinion on you and carry on.
She's only home 2 days a week-how hard can it be?

If it were me and the situation was that bad,the home visits would be once a month.

LegacyUser · 06-01-2009 3:35pm

Deleted User wrote: »

In all fairness,I wouldnt be surprised if your gf's mother laughed at and tore up your letter.
That solution is so ridiculous it's off the scale.

What you need to be doing is to be getting it through to your gf's skull that mothers don't abandon daughters.
You are not bad news so she just needs to ignore the mammy's opinion on you and carry on.
She's only home 2 days a week-how hard can it be?

If it were me and the situation was that bad,the home visits would be once a month.

To be honest, I'm not too worried if her mother rips it up. I am more interested in her reading what I have to say. She, at various stages last year tried to cut of contact, all it ment was that the abuse via text message etc got worse, and eventually her father (Who means the world to her) would ask her to come home to see him and she would.

I want my ex to see how stupid it is to allow herself to be manipulated like this. She talks about how when she is not with me her relationship with her family is so much better, but I need her to see that it's not a healthy relationship. Families are not conditional. I want HER to read exactly what I would say to her mother. Because maybe it will give her the courage to say it herself.

Wibbs · 06-01-2009 3:43pm

OK now this is just my opinion, but the older I get the more I realise some people are just emotional self centered morons and age does not bring any insight to them. As a callow youth I had thought that the passing years may bring some sort of insight to people, but just as much as it does it doesn't.

Your partner is an adult and so is her mother. Her mother may have the excuse that she's afriad of her daughter leaving or whatever, but that's all it is is, an excuse of a selfish person who others have (wrongfully) learned to tip toe around. Time for this to stop in your partners case.

She no longer lives with her so all bets are off and even if she did using that as leverage would still be out of order. She needs to make it clear that she will not discuss this further with the mother and they both agree to disagree. She needs to do this unilaterally. If the mother goes mental, well that's her issue.

She has made the decision to be with you. Her mother, if she loves her, must respect this decision and respect that it's her life to lead and indeed to screwup. Her dad and brother know the score so will quietly supprt her. If the mother throws a tantrum, then that should prove to your partner that her mother is a selfish child in this particular case and selfish children should not be entertained above what is required of politeness.

Make it clear to your partner that this does not mean she doesn't love her mother. Not at all, though a tenner bet will say the mother will pull that one if your partner shows any reslove in this matter. It'll kick off with the shouting and then followed by the tears. Do not play into this. There are members of my family that I love by dint of them being relatives, but I also am aware that they often do not have the answers, can be selfish and can be frankly stupid. I allow for that, but will not succumb to it.

If you partner does not do this, she will be living with this emotional crap and blackmail until her mother is 6 feet under and she may well lose out on a loving relationship of her own in the process. From what you've written this is precisely what is going on here now.

Lollipops23 · 06-01-2009 6:09pm

until your GF gets the stones to have a grown up conversation with her mam,you're at a loss. Really,she's 23, a big girl. Is she living at home?Is her mam like this about any other aspects of her life?Is her father and siblings like this towards you?TBH her reactions so far seems like she can't be bothered
to try to resolve the situation.....

rosarosa · 06-01-2009 6:26pm

Wibbs wrote: »

OK now this is just my opinion, but the older I get the more I realise some people are just emotional self centered morons and age does not bring any insight to them. As a callow youth I had thought that the passing years may bring some sort of insight to people, but just as much as it does it doesn't.

Your partner is an adult and so is her mother. Her mother may have the excuse that she's afriad of her daughter leaving or whatever, but that's all it is is, an excuse of a selfish person who others have (wrongfully) learned to tip toe around. Time for this to stop in your partners case.

She no longer lives with her so all bets are off and even if she did using that as leverage would still be out of order. She needs to make it clear that she will not discuss this further with the mother and they both agree to disagree. She needs to do this unilaterally. If the mother goes mental, well that's her issue.

She has made the decision to be with you. Her mother, if she loves her, must respect this decision and respect that it's her life to lead and indeed to screwup. Her dad and brother know the score so will quietly supprt her. If the mother throws a tantrum, then that should prove to your partner that her mother is a selfish child in this particular case and selfish children should not be entertained above what is required of politeness.

Make it clear to your partner that this does not mean she doesn't love her mother. Not at all, though a tenner bet will say the mother will pull that one if your partner shows any reslove in this matter. It'll kick off with the shouting and then followed by the tears. Do not play into this. There are members of my family that I love by dint of them being relatives, but I also am aware that they often do not have the answers, can be selfish and can be frankly stupid. I allow for that, but will not succumb to it.

If you partner does not do this, she will be living with this emotional crap and blackmail until her mother is 6 feet under and she may well lose out on a loving relationship of her own in the process. From what you've written this is precisely what is going on here now.

very true Wibbs, but just to echo some of the other posters, everything you have said is about the OP's Girlfriend and her mother. OP, no doubt you love your partner very much and would do what you can to stop all the bad blood, but remember.....this is a situation between mother and daughter, not you. There may be a history and pattern here you are not seeing. Yes, it may be difficult being insulted by the woman, hard seeing your girlfriend upset, but I would caution against stirring up any more animosity and giving her mother an ACTUAL reason to make a case against you.

Speaking from experience, my own mother is a complete nightmare when it comes to her daughters' relationships, but she is still my mother. believe me when I say it is not easy having to pic between family and and a partner you care about. After numerous vicious arguments over the years, she's seen that hey, her kids are grown women, they have relationships, kids, lives outside her influence. Time is the only thing that will help and eventually your OH's mother will see how selfish and controlling she has been.
But don't put your girlfriend in a position where her already fragile relationship with her mother is aggravated by your actions. I say this since i f you really do want to write a letter to her mother, you should be prepared for an almighty fall-out. Will you be there to help pick the pieces? You may help in irreparably damaging their relationship. I would advise not doing anything drastic unless you plan on being with your girlfriend for the long haul.

Good luck, I know it's not easy, but let your girlfriend work this one out herself. She is an adult. It's not easy, but your relationship will be better if you just keep providing support and comfort when she needs it.

LegacyUser · 07-01-2009 1:09am

Ahh well, she has decided she would prefer a life without hassle than the life with the person she loves.

So much for that one.

LegacyUser · 07-01-2009 10:15am

If i were u

id print this thread and post it to her

starchild · 07-01-2009 12:33pm

writing the letter wont help the situation
its between your g/f and her mother
ask your g/f what she thinks is best solution for her, if she says break up then accept it, i cant imagine how difficult this is for you but it sounds to me like your g/f needs time to figure out what she wants not to be pressurised
its highly likely that the mother has controlled her from day 1 , breaking away from this can be highly traumatic and tbh she needs to do this at her own pace so that it occurs naturally , force it and she may resent you forever

What can I do?

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