Uncertainty in new relationship

LegacyUser · 15-06-2019 3:37pm #1

Hi guys, need some perspective I've been seeing a guy for about 7 months. I am mad about him and can see us having a future together. Theres one issue I'm a very affectionate person and he's not. We had a lovely date the other night and I sent him a text telling him how glad I am to have him in my life and I got a laughing face emoji and it was a nice night as a reply. I appreciate that some people aren't affectionate but this reply left me a little flat. My friends think this lack of affection by text etc is because he's ten years older than me (he's early 40s). I'd love some perspective especially for guys. Thanks

Dtp1979 · 15-06-2019 5:23pm

What is he like in the real world? Is he affectionate to you?

banie01 · 15-06-2019 5:29pm

Dtp1979 wrote: »

What is he like in the real world? Is he affectionate to you?

@OP, This is what matters!
Not whether he replies to the message you sent him with a sonnet.

Age plays a big part in this, he is old enough that his relationship etiquette may not be social media friendly

Words and deeds matter, how he speaks to you and how he expresses his feelings matter more imo than the reply he sent to your msg.

If however, that reply was indicative of the usual interaction and standard of convo between ye.
Then you may have a problem.

LegacyUser · 15-06-2019 5:45pm

Thanks for the replies! When we’re out in public he’s a bit reserved but is affectionate when we’re on our own. Maybe it is just an age difference thing! I haven’t dated an older guy before

just was a bit unsure

Ursus Horribilis · 15-06-2019 5:46pm

I don't think his age has anything to do with what he's texting. Are your concerns based on more than texts though? As people have already asked, what is he like in real life? How is the relationship going otherwise?

zapper55 · 15-06-2019 5:55pm

The text response sounds dismissive but like the others I'd be more concerned about interaction in real life. How does he make you feel? Has he introduced you to his family considering its 7 months. Is he dismissive of you at all?

LegacyUser · 15-06-2019 6:05pm

zapper55 wrote: »

The text response sounds dismissive but like the others I'd be more concerned about interaction in real life. How does he make you feel? Has he introduced you to his family considering its 7 months. Is he dismissive of you at all?

He’s kind and sweet in person, he’s very respectful and a little old fashioned in his ways, we get on brilliantly in person. it’s usually me who has to organize dates though, we had some issues a few months ago as he was canceling a lot of plans. I haven’t met any of his family yet

zapper55 · 15-06-2019 7:03pm

What happens if you dont suggest dates? Nothing?

I remember two guys in particular I went out with that that always left it up to me to arrange dates. Looking back they just weren't that into me. I was sorry I didnt pull back slightly and see if they'd step up to the plate. Would have avoided a lot of heartache.

Him cancelling a good few dates early on doesn't sound respectful.

Maybe it takes him a.while to open up in a relationship but I think you are giving too much of yourself at the moment . Gushy texts about how great he is with nothing similar back, you organising all the dates.

Do you feel.secure in the relationship? Or is it quite one sided?

Dtp1979 · 15-06-2019 7:05pm

If he’s old fashioned and reserved then the last thing he’s going to do is express affection via text message.

ILoveYourVibes · 16-06-2019 3:42am

It sounds like he is not as emotionally invested as you are.

Maybe he needs more time.

AulWan · 16-06-2019 7:00am

Actions speak louder then words. A text like that would make me cringe.

Some people are just not into pouring their emotions out in gushy texts -it doesn't necessarily mean they are not emotionally invested.

LegacyUser · 16-06-2019 9:05am

Age, not liking technology, and being reserved aside, basic decency would indicate that you don't respond to a text like yours with a text like his. Really he could have responded a million different ways to that - a laughing emoji is quite dismissive. That coupled with the fact that arranging dates seems to be on you would have me on high alert.

It's funny, OP, but 9 times out of 10 when a poster comes on here looking for advice over something that's bothering them, that niggling feeling turns out to be right.

Is there an imbalance of power here? Are you doing all the chasing in the relationship?

qwerty13 · 16-06-2019 11:57am

People express their affection in different ways. Personally I’d prefer it it to be expressed through actions.

I don’t think there’s anything ‘wrong’ with his text at all. But you say that you’re very affectionate. Maybe you need to dial it down a notch if your way of showing affection is sending gushing texts. Perhaps he just doesn’t work that way.

Idle Passerby · 16-06-2019 12:19pm

Based on what little info you've given here, my assumption would be he sees the relationship more casually than you do. The text you sent was a bit cringey which is fine if both parties are on the same page. Otherwise it could be seen as a little desperate.

It seems your sentiment fell flat. The fact be dismissed it with a laughing emoji suggests he was either embarrassed by it or otherwise unimpressed. Maybe you need to figure out if your both on the same page with where you stand.

qwerty13 · 16-06-2019 12:33pm

I wouldn’t see the laughing emoji as dismissive at all! I’d read that as he was smiling/happy. And he did say that it was a nice night. Maybe he quite literally meant that: that he was smiling/ happy because they had a great night.

I think I’d actually be a bit similar to the OP’s partner. And I’d find it ‘easier’ to respond re the date that just happened, rather than what I would see (no criticism intended) as a bit of an OTT text. But sure everyone is different in how they express themselves. Doesn’t mean either party is ‘wrong’. They just need to understand each other’s way of communication a little better.

milli milli · 16-06-2019 1:16pm

As another poster said, It does sound like your boyfriend sees this as a more casual thing.
What’s his relationship history - has he been married before, recently separated/divorced or has he ever had long term relationships? What’s his plans for the future?
A guy at his age who’s serious about meeting someone would be a bit more ‘obvious’ about things. I know it’s only 7 months in but generally when you’re older, a lot of dating BS is cut out and you should know where you stand - if he’s serious that is (and emotionally mature).
I’d stop making plans with him and see if he steps up to the plate.

LegacyUser · 16-06-2019 1:41pm

Thank you all for the replies, you’ve definitely given me a lot to think about. This is his longest relationship, and he says he’s looking to settle down and start a family. I think you are right I need to temper my affection, He’s not good at accepting or giving compliments, he seems to get embarrassed by it. When we’re together in person things are great, I guess we just need to work on our communication

zapper55 · 16-06-2019 8:30pm

Just because someone says they want to settle down it doesn't means that they do. All you can do is go by your gut and his actions.

Unless he is proactive in arranging dates sometimes, and arranges for you to meet some of the people in his life that are important to him, whether they be friends or family then I dont think he is that bothered.

LegacyUser · 17-06-2019 9:07am

Newrelationship wrote: »

This is his longest relationship

Yeah, I'd be paying more attention to that than the text if I were you. He's in his early 40s and the fact that it's his longest relationship suggests he's had others, so he didn't get there through bad luck or lack of opportunity, it's a pattern and it's his behaviour that got him into it. Declaring he wants to start a family, but cancelling and not initiating dates or introducing you to family and friends in a natural, reasonable time-frame says he's making up as he goes along, maybe telling you what he thinks you want to hear and not really that into you, in fact not into anyone but himself I would think.

For what it's worth, I'm older than him and I can operate a phone all on my own, so age is a bull**** excuse for not being able to send a message. Actually, maybe you should see it as the message he was trying to hide from you and maybe you knew it all along, but the emoji has just confirmed what you were already thinking.

Emme · 17-06-2019 12:29pm

OP has he said that you are officially "exclusive" yet? If not I would definitely be dating other guys if I were you. Cancelling dates and leaving it up to you to arrange dates suggests non-commitment on his part or that he was seeing somebody else as well at the time.

It's a feast for older guys on the dating market so if he hasn't said that you're exclusive he's more than likely dating other people as well as you, old fashioned or not.

Talk is cheap and telling you he wants to start a family means nothing unless he expressly says he wants to start a family with YOU.

Uncertainty in new relationship

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