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Unfortunate classic mistake

  • 03-06-2019 10:43pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    My partner broke up with me few weeks ago. I was cut up by it as it was a massive shock. I did a fair amount of drinking over the weekend and ended up sleeping with someone. Now there seems to be a possibility of getting back together. Our issues never related to loyalty and commitment so this would be new territory and I just don’t know what to do about it. Should I say it to them? I’ve zero interest in the person I slept with and it just happened


Comments

  • #2
    ginandtonicsky
    Closed Accounts Posts: 710 ✭✭✭ginandtonicsky


    As far as you were concerned you were single at the weekend so I don’t see what the problem is.

    More to the point, are the issues that led to the breakup resolved or is the intention to resolve them before getting back together?


  • #3
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    We’d need to resolve them first before getting back together. I do love this person deeply and I think they feel the same way about me, things just slid between us over a particularly hectic period


  • #4
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    Is there a possibility your ex will find out that you were with this other person? Did other people see you together? If that's the case, maybe you might have to say something. But really, if it's something that you can get away with not mentioning to them, say nothing. You were broken up and you did nothing wrong.

    As ginandtonicsky above me has just said though, have you resolved the issues that led to the break-up?


  • #5
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    No no one else saw - other person is understanding of it and won’t say anything - we’d all know each other but not closely and I think the other person perhaps feels like it shouldn’t have happened either..


  • #6
    Always Tired
    Closed Accounts Posts: 945 ✭✭✭Always Tired


    Getting back with an ex rarely works out but if you do end up back together I'd take it to the grave it will only mean that you add trust issues to whatever else caused you to break up.


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  • #7
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    RossandRachel wrote: »
    No no one else saw - other person is understanding of it and won’t say anything - we’d all know each other but not closely and I think the other person perhaps feels like it shouldn’t have happened either..

    That being the case, say nothing. It's not going to help matters. Your biggest worry is why your ex felt they had to end the relationship rather than try to resolve things. I hope things work out for you but this is a bell that cannot be unrung.


  • #8
    Wheety
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,512 ✭✭✭Wheety


    rubberdungeon wrote: »
    If Ross and Rachel are your real names, is there a chance this thread could identify you?

    Names are from Friends. Similar story line happened on that too.


  • #9
    Dien
    Registered Users Posts: 74 ✭✭Dien


    Would it bother you if he/she slept with someone over the same period? I wouldn't be able to carry it but that's just me. Honesty is always the best policy, and things do tend to have a way of getting out.


  • #10
    Hoboo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,591 ✭✭✭Hoboo


    None of their business what you did while you were no longer together. Just as its no one's business what you did before you met them.

    Say nothing. You've done nothing wrong, and nothing good will come from it. How were you meant to know theyd change their mind. They broke the relationship, not you.


  • #11
    shesty
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,914 Mod ✭✭✭✭shesty


    We can tell you all this but honestly, if your partner thinks you were "on a break" (Yes-Ross and Rachel-showing my age but it's a cliche for a damn good reason), or that it was too soon after a break for you to be finding someone else no matter how meaningless, our opinions don't matter.

    If you don't tell her, can you live with knowing you did it?I agree you didn't do anything wrong, but you know your OH.What are the chances of this coming out and how do you feel your other half would react, particularly if you have to put a lot of work into solving your other issues, and then this comes out?


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  • #12
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I'd rather know than not know if I was your partner especially if ye all know each other even casually. If found out at a later date could ruin any reconciliation and cause far more heartache and time wasting. Best time is now for both to make a proper decision on second chance at relationship.


  • #13
    Katgurl
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,144 ✭✭✭Katgurl


    I'd be honest but not share overly.

    "I was really hurt when you broke up with me and saw no reason not to consider myself single. Read from that what you will. If you want to hear about it then I will tell you once. It is regrettable and if I'd thought we might get back together then it wouldn't have happened. I'm sorry if this hurts you but I can't undo it and I couldn't see the future."

    There is a thread of a similar situation on mumsnet where the husband did not tell. The pregnant wife is now devastated.


  • #14
    Franz Von Peppercorn II
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,398 ✭✭✭Franz Von Peppercorn II


    The op is obviously aware of the friends storyline. I wonder if the story is not a bit too close to that story.

    Taking it seriously though. You were broken up. At the time it might have seemed permanent. However, Ross (is it?) you shouldn’t let this fester like the TV guy with the same problem. Own up now because it might get out.


  • #15
    ginandtonicsky
    Closed Accounts Posts: 710 ✭✭✭ginandtonicsky


    I wouldn't feel the need to tell her tbh, but that's just me. Of course she may find out and be upset, but you were single and did nothing wrong, how could you have known she'd do a 180 and come crawling back.

    The more concerning part for me would be the outstanding issues. Everything seems to be her decision here - she broke up with you, "suddenly it seems there's a chance we could get back together" so that's not your decision either. She's calling all the shots here. What if she gets you back and decides she wants to break up again? Where will that leave you emotionally, mentally?

    If it's left you out of your mind and binge drinking and making dumb decisions now, it aint going to be much easier next time. Someone breaking up with me when things get "hectic" would cause fundamental trust issues for me.


  • #16
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    It was definitely too soon as such, I don’t know how I’d feel about it if I was on the other end. I certainly wouldn’t like it. Yes she is calling a lot of the shots here. I recognise things haven’t been wonderful but I can’t attribute blame to either of us, however as she was the one to end it , she can only be the one to start it , of course only on terms that we are both happy with. In some ways I feel that anything I talk about pre this incident will always have the incident lurking in the background..

    I don’t think the truth would end as it did for Ross and Rachel though, that would be the end of it.

    I feel guilt but I don’t feel like I would do it again, I don’t think the same circumstances could ever arise again. I feel it would hurt her a lot and I don’t want to do that either.


  • #17
    wiggle16
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    I don't see what good it would do to tell her.

    You said you haven't had trust issues in your relationship prior to this. If you tell her, you will create a trust issue if you get back together - even though you did nothing wrong, even though you were a free agent and even though this should not be an issue for your partner, realistically it will create an issue for yous, human nature being what it is.

    People can still be very proprietary over ex-partners during and after a break-up, even though they've no right to be. Your partner would be completely wrong to feel betrayal over this but I suspect that she still would, particularly if she's been calling all the shots.

    As others have said, you need to have had some resolution to the issues that caused the breakup before you should consider getting back with her.

    It's not relevant to your relationship. It happened outside of it. It's your business. I wouldn't tell her.


  • #18
    wiggle16
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    RossandRachel wrote: »
    I don’t think the truth would end as it did for Ross and Rachel though, that would be the end of it.

    This is just me.... but for me, I wouldn't want to go back to someone who would feel that level of ownership over me, that if I slept with someone after we'd broken up they'd see it as an irreconcilable betrayal. That's a nope for me.

    Creating a trust issue is one thing and I think this would happen for most people in this situation if they told their partner they'd slept with someone else while they were broken up. But that can be worked on. A partner who would finish with you entirely over this is another thing altogether.

    She broke up with you. She gave up exclusivity when she did that. If she would finish with you entirely if she finds out after you get back together, I don't know if I would go back to a partner like that in the first place. That's just me though.

    I don't think you should tell her at all, but I would take her potential reaction to finding out about it into account if you're considering getting back together with her.


  • #19
    heretothere
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 635 ✭✭✭heretothere


    I wouldn't tell her. If I was in her position I wouldn't want to know. As far as you were aware the relationship was over, you weren't to know ye would try to get back together.


  • #20
    Thelonious Monk
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,479 ✭✭✭✭Thelonious Monk


    Funny how everyone assumes OP is a bloke!


  • #21
    Always Tired
    Closed Accounts Posts: 945 ✭✭✭Always Tired


    Katgurl wrote: »
    I'd be honest but not share overly.

    "I was really hurt when you broke up with me and saw no reason not to consider myself single. Read from that what you will. If you want to hear about it then I will tell you once. It is regrettable and if I'd thought we might get back together then it wouldn't have happened. I'm sorry if this hurts you but I can't undo it and I couldn't see the future."

    There is a thread of a similar situation on mumsnet where the husband did not tell. The pregnant wife is now devastated.

    I'm assuming that in that situation the incident happened before the marriage and pregnancy, otherwise it's not similar at all.

    The other woman is not likely to broadcast this, unless perhaps she wanted a relationship with the OP and wanted to make sure the ex doesn't take him back or something like that. Most girls if they slept with a guy who just recently had a gf and then got back with the same gf, won't want people to know, because unfortunately the double standard women are subjected to means she would be judged negatively even though she did nothing wrong.

    And neither did OP, as has been pointed out. But good luck with getting the ex to see it that way. She won't. You'll either scupper your chances of a reunion altogether by telling her, or adding another issue to an already (it seems) somewhat contentious relationship.


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  • #22
    DonnaDarko09
    Registered Users Posts: 366 ✭✭DonnaDarko09


    I see no reason to say anything, unless perhaps it was with someone close to both of you.

    Speaking from experience, as someone who did the breaking up and then got back with my partner, I never questioned him about what he may or may not have done as I simply would prefer not to know.
    If something did happen and he told me, I’m not sure how I would react (for instance feeling hurt and dwelling unnecessarily on it). And while I may not like it, technically he was a single man during this period so would be within his right if something did happen.


  • #23
    Flibble
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 232 ✭✭Flibble


    If it was me, I would want my partner to tell me. I'd probably be a little stung for a minute but I'd get over myself & get past it.

    What I absolutely couldn't get past would be the keeping of it from me, but then openness & honesty are the most important things to me in a relationship, and I can always tell when someone close to me is keeping something from me.

    You know your partner OP, which approach do you think they'd prefer?


  • #24
    AulWan
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,653 ✭✭✭AulWan


    I would definitely want to know. If there is a chance and you are both serious about trying again, everything should be put on the table, including this, and it'll either make you or break you, but at least if you start again, it will be with a clean slate.

    If I only found out after getting back together with someone that they had sex with someone else while we were broken up, I would feel they had lied by omission, and that would feel like a betrayal in itself. Its not cheating, but its still not 100% honest to hide it and say nothing, either.

    Its all lovely and logical to say that someone should not have a problem with this, but people are emotional and not always logical, and things like this will always come out in the end, especially if the other person is known to you both.

    Honesty is always the best policy, is my advice.


  • #25
    Porklife
    Registered Users Posts: 1,681 ✭✭✭Porklife


    Thelonious Monk wrote: »
    Funny how everyone assumes OP is a bloke!

    The OP said he's a bloke. He has referred to the girl who broke up with him as 'she' throughout the thread. Nobody assumed anything, you just didn't read it properly. A girl is just as likely to sleep with someone else post break up mess and deliberate whether to tell her ex if getting back together was on the cards. Gender has nothing to do with this!


  • #26
    fatherted1969
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,287 ✭✭✭fatherted1969


    None of your current partners business what you've did when you were single.


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