Quality Time...

LegacyUser · 29-05-2019 12:46pm #1

I have been with my spouse for almost 20 years and in the last few, I have noticed that they have become increasingly needy and controlling. I don’t know if I am being unreasonable or if they are. I am really unhappy about it too.

We do not have children. We live about an hour from their family and two hours from mine. We work a few minutes from each other and have a commute of about ten minutes. I have always been more independent, but they are really not. Everything needs to be planned months in advance now and they essentially throw a **** fit if I spontaneously plan anything that involves us being apart a week in advance. It’s ridiculous at this stage. Every commitment needs to be discussed in detail, often taking a very, very long time. It needs to be noted In a diary and anything new will result in a massive tantrum and moods lasting weeks.

Our routine is like this: Get up, travel to work separately (I insist on this), meet at lunch for a 45 min walk, go home, spend the whole evening together. I literally have to lock myself into the toilet to get alone time and even then they will check at the door to see if I am ok. Weekends are spent together, at home or doing jobs. There may be a trip to the pub or to their family. I am allowed to go and see my family once a month at most and even then, I am never given any peace. I occasionally insist on going home alone for a weekend but there will be a week long strip over it.

They keep insisting that we never get any quality time together because we are always doing something (housework, exercise, tv) but I am completely smothered. If I meet up with friends, they will turn up. If I want to go and do something by myself they will try to drop me off and collect me.

I feel so smothered but they always insist that there’s no quality time. Their parents and siblings lead equally smothering lives, so they obviously think that it’s normal. One excuse that I get for never having the freedom to head away at the weekend is housework. I literally do it all. I cook, I clean and I shop. They don’t lift a finger, so occasionally when I just cannot do the cleaning with a shadow on a weekday evening, I put it off until Saturday.

There’s no joy in my life at all. I am smothered. My spouse hates my family as they see them as a bad influence, demanding that I spend time away from them. My family hate my spouse, seeing them as controlling, moody and rude.

Am I being completely unreasonable? How much bloody time together is needed to be quality time? I am at the end of my tether. I love my spouse, but I resent them too. My family and freedom are pulling one way and my spouse the other.

Goodigal · 29-05-2019 3:22pm

Oh God, I don't think you actually know the meaning of the words quality time. You have no time to yourself as it is. This person is indeed smothering you. I am not surprised you are feeling this way. Nobody should have to live like that. Perhaps you could start doing spontaneous things like meeting a friend for a coffee or a class and not telling your partner other than the bare minimum details. This is no way to live. You are being constantly supervised wherever you go. Why are you doing all the housework and cooking? Why are you meeting them for lunch every single day? Does this person have any other friends or colleagues that can entertain him? And give you a break!?

You say you are 'allowed' to go home to your family monthly? You are an adult, you can decide what you are doing when you like. Please speak to someone in a professional capacity about this. They can help you with a strategy to change your current life. Otherwise, you're not actually living. Wishing you well.

Neyite · 29-05-2019 3:27pm

I'm not surprised you feel smothered. It would feel very smothering to me.

The planning and control as well as the tantrums and sulking for weeks are control mechanisms, and you then end up avoiding any kind of independence that might set a tantrum or sulk off. So you begin to turn down invitations or events that you want to go to, avoid friends or family that he's made it clear he dislikes isolating you further . And you end up shrinking down your life so that you are basically around them 24/7.

Have a read of what Coercive Control is. Then have a read of all the other forms of abuse on that website, I've no doubt you'll identify with more than you realise. Then you probably need to have a good think about what you want to do.

Mr. Incognito · 29-05-2019 3:27pm

Have you tried couples Counselling.

Sometimes trying to justify this behaviour to an independent third party can act as a wonderful deterrent

Spending lunches together for example is a bit much also.

osarusan · 29-05-2019 3:28pm

Is it the case that they do their own thing when they want, but won't allow you to do your own thing when you want? Or that they feel the two of you should spend literally every available minute in each other's company?

Do they not have any friends/hobbies/things they like doing that don't involve you?

What exactly do they mean when they say 'quality time'? Have you ever talked about what that actually means to them?

Anyway, it sounds agonising...smothered is just the right word to use.

sbsquarepants · 29-05-2019 3:35pm

Unreasonable Time? wrote: »

I
There’s no joy in my life at all. I am smothered. My spouse hates my family as they see them as a bad influence, demanding that I spend time away from them. My family hate my spouse, seeing them as controlling, moody and rude.

.

Long story short - your family are right, listen to them!

hairyprincess · 29-05-2019 3:39pm

Has anything happened that could have set this behaviour off? It sounds to me as if your partner is very insecure.
Is your partner female? It could be as a result of the menopause and hormonal changes.
Regardless of what the problem is, it is seriously unhealthy, for both of you.

Dtp1979 · 29-05-2019 3:47pm

You’re not being smothered. You’re being controlled.

LegacyUser · 29-05-2019 3:58pm

To answer a few questions, I have joined classes, but I don’t have freedom outside those times. I am expected to make it up time wise. Unfortunately my friends are busy and tied up with children, so can’t spontaneously meet me. I utterly despise the lunchtime walks. I have walked during lunch for years, but they insist on joining me.

As for quality time, it’s time spent together doing nothing else. I have argued and argued this. It’s abnormal and nobody has time for this crap. I honestly thought that any time together watching tv, walking, etc was quality time. Apparently not.

Their family is strikingly odd in a way. For example, the parents do everything together. Shopping, driving, social stuff. The only exception is if one of the kids take their place. The kids are the same. Partner goes to another city for a day of training or a conference, they will take annual leave to be with them. I find it overwhelming.

This only kicked off a few years ago. Oddly, there was no obvious trigger. It’s like a different person has replaced my lovely, funny spouse. I am glued to my phone which raises their suspicions but they have locked me into the house, taken my phone and wouldn’t allow me to leave and go for a walk on my own. I keep my phone in case I need to get out again. They also accuse me of hitting them when I haven’t even thought about it.

They do have friends, but they are becoming increasingly isolated because of their moods and the way that they treat their friends. I encourage hobbies. Essentially though, they do as they want but I can’t. It’s really getting to me.

I have always been close to my family. If I call them, it has to be done from work or they will try to listen to the conversation and will cross question me.

As for the housework, they grew up in a complete pigsty with a meal from the local chipper on the table every night. They see nothing wrong with this. On the off chance that anyone has the wrong impression, they grew up in a very comfortable, middle class family. I grew up in a working class family but I have always done better academically and professionally. I am never allowed to forget my humble family. I am proud of where I came from. My parents work hard and instilled good work ethics and a love of education in us. They often sneer at my family. I just don’t know how to deal with any of it.

LegacyUser · 29-05-2019 4:10pm

They refuse to go to counselling. Flatly refuse to agree to it.

Neyite · 29-05-2019 4:29pm

He won't change.

So you probably need to have a think about what you want based on that fact. Those are pretty big decisions to make so you probably need to give yourself a good bit of time to get your head around it all and decide if it's worth it.

SozBbz · 29-05-2019 4:32pm

You only get one life OP, is this how you want to spend it?

This is the polar opposite of quality time. Its quantity time. As in, all of your time, but spent in misery.

You've not described any positives in this person, although you say he's not always been like this. While you're probably mourning the person he once was and the relationship you used to have, you really need to deal in the here and now and put yourself first.

This situation sounds like its teetering on the edge of being dangerous. Please don't let it get that far. Talk to your family, get support around you and start planning your exit.

wiggle16 · 29-05-2019 4:36pm

Unreasonable Time? wrote: »

They refuse to go to counselling. Flatly refuse to agree to it.

So they are not willing to change.

This might just be a thought experiment, but what do you think their reaction would be if you said that if they don't go to counselling with you, that you will go alone?

I don't know OP. You've talked to them about it, suggested counselling and they are refusing to engage with you. I don't think they realise just how serious this is.

I couldn't live like this, your partner's behaviour is absolutely smothering and controlling. Knocking on the door when you are in the jacks?? Jesus Christ.

If they won't change (and it doesn't sound like they will, they don't even sound capable of it) then I think you have a much bigger decision to make. This is no kind of life to lead.

Rubberchikken · 29-05-2019 4:36pm

if this is only something thats started in the past while, do you know if something has kicked it off?
their behaviour sounds suffocating and controlling and id just wonder if its being caused by health or age.

osarusan · 29-05-2019 4:37pm

Unreasonable Time? wrote: »

but they have locked me into the house, taken my phone and wouldn’t allow me to leave and go for a walk on my own. I keep my phone in case I need to get out again. They also accuse me of hitting them when I haven’t even thought about it.

ehh, wtf?

This is way beyond somebody just wanting to be with their partner all the time and assuming their partner wants to be with them all the time...this is way beyond that and is utterly controlling behaviour.

Sounds like they think if they let you out of their sight for more than 5 minutes you'll find somebody else and run off with them.

Needing to write stuff in a diary, checking on you in the toilet...they don't sound well.

OP, have you discussed with them the fact that they haven't always been like this? That things used to be different? Will they admit that this is true, or will they say that it has always been like this?

When you say that you feel smothered, how do they react?

Springfields · 29-05-2019 4:40pm

"I'm expected to make it up timewise" !!? That raises serious red flags for me. And this business of "quality time" - any activity done together qualifies in my opinion ...what do they want ? Sit there gazing into each other's.eyes ?! This is so not normal.... you will have to decide if you can continue to live like this....sounds unbareable to me..best of luck

qwerty13 · 29-05-2019 4:54pm

That is insanely controlling and smothering. I know it’s hardly the biggest issue, but the lunch thing is madness. So you basically only get away from them for a morning or an afternoon while you work? Not even the whole working day. Bloody hell.

Let them have their sulks and strops. And ignore all behaviour like that. Start being too busy to take lunch every day. As you don’t travel to work with them, I presume you don’t travel home with them. So don’t go home straight away every day. Even to have a half hour walk by yourself.

Having said all that, locking you into the house is very worrying. Whatever about their sulks and questions, locking you in is several steps up from this. Are you concerned for your safety?

I couldn’t handle 1/4 of that behaviour at all. I would leave. It’s no way to live your life. And they are treating you horribly. I don’t care if it’s the ‘norm’ in their family - you have the right to ask not to be treated that way, and to be listened to about it.

SirChenjin · 29-05-2019 5:28pm

Unreasonable Time? wrote: »

They refuse to go to counselling. Flatly refuse to agree to it.

Im not an expert whatsoever on this but I have often read/ heard that joint counselling is not recommended in certain cases, such as any type of abuse, for example.
It can lead to one party storing up things that are said to use against the other, afterwards and ultimately be more damaging.

So going to counselling on your own could actually be a good thing in the scenario that you describe.

Honestly, that is no way to live. Can you leave?

wiggle16 · 29-05-2019 5:40pm

Unreasonable Time? wrote: »

This only kicked off a few years ago. Oddly, there was no obvious trigger. It’s like a different person has replaced my lovely, funny spouse. I am glued to my phone which raises their suspicions but they have locked me into the house, taken my phone and wouldn’t allow me to leave and go for a walk on my own. I keep my phone in case I need to get out again. They also accuse me of hitting them when I haven’t even thought about it.

Don't know how, but I missed this bit! That's mental carry on. Seriously.

Reminding you about your more "humble" origins is a way of knocking your self-esteem, reminding you that you "married up" and did well for yourself in being lucky enough to end up with someone like your spouse. It's just another dominating behaviour.

Call it what it is. You're in an abusive relationship. Controlling, dominating, isolating behaviour and gaslighting you to boot. This won't change. Maybe they didnt act like this before but if a person is capable of behaving like this it means it was always in them to do so, and they don't change. I would leave, OP.

dobman88 · 29-05-2019 5:51pm

She sounds like a very controlling woman.

I initially thought she might have been hurt in previous relationships and has insecurities but you say you're together 20 years and you dont sound that old.

If you have tried to talk to her and resolve this, and it sounds like you've tried a lot, then I dont think you could carry on for much longer. Maybe have a chat and say things will have to change or you'll have to leave her for your own sanity.

Dtp1979 · 29-05-2019 5:53pm

dobman88 wrote: »

She sounds like a very controlling woman.

I initially thought she might have been hurt in previous relationships and has insecurities but you say you're together 20 years and you dont sound that old.

If you have tried to talk to her and resolve this, and it sounds like you've tried a lot, then I dont think you could carry on for much longer. Maybe have a chat and say things will have to change or you'll have to leave her for your own sanity.

Is it a her? I just assumed the victim was a woman in this

LegacyUser · 29-05-2019 5:59pm

They locked you in the house? Time to pack a bag and leave. Actually forget the bag, go to work as normal but walk right back out the door and go straight to your family. Tell them what is going on, you'll need their support.

Your partner won't do counselling, so there is clearly no hope for the relationship.

I'm not even going to suggest even trying to "fix it". This has all the hall marks of potentially becoming physically dangerous for you if you stay.

Stay safe, OP.

dobman88 · 29-05-2019 6:04pm

Dtp1979 wrote: »

Is it a her? I just assumed the victim was a woman in this

Dont know, just comes across as a man posting here. Happy to be corrected.

No shame in anything if it is a woman controlling a man, it happens and it's nothing to be embarrassed about.

qwerty13 · 29-05-2019 6:05pm

I read it that the abusive person is a woman. Not entirely sure why though. I was actually surprised when people started saying ‘he’.

dobman88 · 29-05-2019 6:09pm

qwerty13 wrote: »

I read it that the abusive person is a woman. Not entirely sure why though. I was actually surprised when people started saying ‘he’.

Same

secman · 29-05-2019 6:09pm

The use of plural as in "they" is very confusing, not sure if OP is male or female, either way the spouse is a conttol freak and it is certainly an unhealthy relationship.

cannotlogin · 29-05-2019 6:50pm

Whether they are a man or woman doesn't matter, they've taken your phone and locked you, it's far more than smoothering, it is abusive.

I would suggest you contact women's aid or amen for support.

dobman88 · 29-05-2019 6:56pm

cannotlogin wrote: »

Whether they are a man or woman doesn't matter, they've taken your phone and locked you, it's far more than smoothering, it is abusive.

I would suggest you contact women's aid or amen for support.

This.

Sexes are irrelevant. Its abuse, simple as. Get the help you need, if you feel like you need to work through things, do that but you need to look after yourself first and do what's best for you.

Best of luck.

tara73 · 29-05-2019 7:11pm

secman wrote: »

The use of plural as in "they" is very confusing, not sure if OP is male or female, either way the spouse is a conttol freak and it is certainly an unhealthy relationship.

the 'they' is on purpose and a very wise choice from the OP. If you're here a bit longer you know why, threads get derailed in gender generalisations or discussions and that's not welcome here. And in this case it doesn't matter at all whether the spouse is male or female!

OP, the behaviour of your partner is appalling and kind of worrying actually. On the other hand, there are two people involved, the other one is you. why do you let yourself be treated like this? I don't mean to be smart, it's honestly meant. You allow them to be treated like this and doing everything they demand.
First step here is to start changing your own behaviour and what you accept they tell you to do. Do your own thing, no matter what kind of tantrums they throw. Go out with friends, visit your family, do your hobbies.

I would also not recommend counselling in this case, as controlling, bullyish people would often use things being said in the sessions later against you. Also, they clearly doesn't want to and you can't force them.

wiggle16 · 29-05-2019 7:19pm

Mod note:

The gender of the spouse isn't relevant - the OP chose to withhold it so while it's natural to wonder, I'd ask that posters not speculate.
The OP and their spouse could easily be a same sex couple. So if the OP reads to you like a man, it doesn't mean their spouse is a woman or vice versa.

Thanks

Big Bag of Chips · 29-05-2019 8:32pm

You are in an abusive relationship. At first I was going to say it sounded like they were suffering from crippling anxiety. But it's much much more than that. You are being isolated from your family and friends, controlled and emotionally abused.

Women's Aid

AMEN

They're pretty much the same, but contact whoever you need to. This is escalating and is not going to magically stop.

Sephiroth_dude · 29-05-2019 11:17pm

Don't waste anymore time in this relationship, run for the hills and run fast.

Calltocall · 29-05-2019 11:27pm

The situation you describe is extremely messed up OP, that is way way beyond a clingy relationship, it’s as if you are a prisoner of this person, It’s abusive no question.

December2012 · 30-05-2019 6:36am

Firstly, you are not being unreasonable. AT ALL. The phone thing is very unreasonable on your spouses behalf, and it sounds like there is abuse. Whether that is something you want to try and end or work through, or continue to suffer, is up to you. There is no shame either way and you don't have to decide today.

I would not classify watching tv as quality time. However I would classify the walks as quality time, or any time talking, without the tv or a distraction. I would classify having sex / making love as quality time, intimate time.

However, in an adult relationship, with mutual love and respect, you should be safe to say that you don't want to go for a walk this time, or you don't want to see their family this time, or you don't want to do whatever it is from time to time, without fear or repercussion. And it sounds like you don't have that from your spouse.

Your spouse may have all the reasons in the world to be the way they are. Tough. You have tried to tell them that their behaviour is not what you married, and not what you want to put up with. So they don't just get to continue as they are, unless you want things to continue as they are. They are refusing to go to counselling - would they prefer to go to a solicitor?

So take the time (safely) to work on yourself. Think about what you want. Make a safe escape plan (which you may never need!). Get proper advice.
Mind yourself OP

Mollyb60 · 30-05-2019 12:37pm

Unreasonable Time? wrote: »

they essentially throw a **** fit if I spontaneously plan anything
Every commitment needs to be discussed in detail
I literally have to lock myself into the toilet to get alone time
I am allowed to go and see my family once a month at most
If I meet up with friends, they will turn up
I cook, I clean and I shop.
My family hate my spouse, seeing them as controlling, moody and rude.

Unreasonable Time? wrote: »

I am expected to make it up time wise.
I utterly despise the lunchtime walks.
they have locked me into the house, taken my phone and wouldn’t allow me to leave and go for a walk on my own.
They also accuse me of hitting them when I haven’t even thought about it.
Essentially though, they do as they want but I can’t.
I am never allowed to forget my humble family.

OP read these bits back to yourself in isolation and think about what you would say to someone who described these to you. This is shockingly controlling behaviour and is not normal in any way.

....... · 30-05-2019 12:41pm

It sounds like your spouse has developed a mental health problem that is manifesting itself in this extreme of control and insecurity.

Whatever about the day to day issues you mention, which are considerable, you have been actually locked up by this person? No - thats just never going to be acceptable.

I strongly suggest you immediately tell your family what is going on here. You need support.

Then I suggest you pack a bag and leave. If your spouse contacts you tell them you need some space to think about things. Stay with a friend, family, a B&B or anywhere you can.

And then use the time to gain some outside perspective. You are currently in a pressure cooker, its very difficult for you to see how totally oppressive this situation is.

Someone who has degenerated into the level where they are locking their spouse in could become violent or worse. So I fear for your safety and think you should probably make a Garda report that you have been locked up by your spouse.

Tiddlypeeps · 30-05-2019 4:29pm

I agree with whats been said, you need to remove yourself from this situation asap. Not only is it extremely unhealthy but it's frankly dangerous. When you have some space and time to think you can figure out if this is something you even want to try and save, but you will not save it by staying where you are, they hold all the cards and have already expressed they don't want to work on it.

I would also recommend you seek counselling for yourself (I would not recommend couples counselling), but I'd recommend getting out of the house first as I strongly suspect they will have a severe reaction to learning you are going to counselling without them. It will set every insecure bone in their body on fire and they will be at their absolute worst.

Your family sound supportive, and it seems like they can already see what's going on, can you go and stay with them for a bit? Can you take some time off work to get some time to think things through? If not then a 2 hour commute is not ideal but it is manageable for a short while until you figure things out. 4 hours in a car a day will probably be a breath of fresh air compared to the suffocating situation you are in right now.

You deserve a better life than this.

The Princess Bride · 31-05-2019 1:33am

I felt claustrophobic just reading this, I cannot imagine living it every single day.

Have you a supportive GP?
I'd suggest talking to them and perhaps taking some time off work- immediately-to get your thoughts together and plan what's next for you.

This behaviour is not normal, more that that, it's suggestive of someone with serious mental health issues.
And the fact that your spouse won't consider counselling suggests they don't see that there is a problem.

A quote I read recently that make so much sense.
"If it's not working, then get out.
Whatever it costs, and whatever emotional damage it might cause, you have to get out, because you only have one life."

Best of luck and mind yourself.

Rubberchikken · 31-05-2019 1:45am

if a friend came to you and told you all that you have told us - what would your advice be?

that youve posted here is a great first step. you can see that this is an unhealthy abusive relationship and its run its course especially for your safety and right to live your life as you choose.

i agree with others, it doesnt matter if the op or the partner are male/female, abuse is unacceptable irrespective of who is doing it.

talk to your family op. they are probably worried sick watching this and feeling helpless.
take care

Bunny Colvin · 31-05-2019 2:11am

The only question I have is why are you still in this relationship?

I felt smothered reading your post. You need to ask yourself 'what are am I getting out of this'. You're with someone who is controlling, insecure and frankly not well in the head. Listen to your family, they can obviously see it.

I also think relationship counseling would be a complete waste of time, even if your partner was willing to go. You said it yourself, their family is like that, that's what they were brought up with and that's all they know - they're not for changing.

Best of luck with whatever you do but just remember that you only get one life and it's a short ride, there's a hell of a lot more to it than what you're currently experiencing.

ManOfMystery · 31-05-2019 11:51am

This isn't a relationship, it's a prison sentence.

You are literally being controlled, coerced and allowed no freedom. It is highly abusive behaviour and I would strongly encourage you to get out of there asap.

Be prepared for the behaviour to turn even more manipulative when this happens - expect tears, threats of not being able to go on, etc. This is all textbook behaviour in controlling relationships when the abuser begins to lose control and resorts to emotional blackmail, and you need to ignore it and let it wash over you.

suicide_circus · 31-05-2019 11:37pm

whether your spouse is suffering with a mental health problem is frankly irrelevant. Sounds like they pretty close to locking you in the attic or some other horror show. I would be contacting support services and moving out immediately.

lulu1 · 01-06-2019 12:38am

OP you dont need counselling you just need to get out and be able to breath without them watching your every move.

You have no kids to stay for i would just go

LegacyUser · 01-06-2019 7:36pm

Thank you for all of your replies. I feel so alone, so I really appreciate everyone taking the time to reply to me.

I am pretty lonely, despite the company. I have been thinking a lot over the last few days and I have realised that apart from the financial contribution, my spouse does not make a single positive contribution to my life. They earn €500 more than me per annum, so that’s not exactly a big thing. Honestly, they used to make me laugh like nobody else could. They made me so happy for so many years. It’s completely different now. There’s constant anger bubbling under the surface. I walk on eggshells and I have realised that when I do get a short overnight break from them, I cry uncontrollably on my return journey. I used to be such a happy person but now I am just so sad and nervous all the time.

I have told my family as best I can, but with no freedom, it’s hard to open up. I have nobody to talk to about this. I am so utterly unhappy.

As for why I am still here. It’s complicated. We had a great relationship and it gradually changed. As it changed, I changed too. I became unhappy and we argued. If I explain that I want to spend time with my parents, I am told to grow up. If I get upset, I am sneered at. I am always told that I am being unreasonable and I just eventually found it hard to know what was true or untrue. I have always been very close to my family, but this is apparently childish. I want to thank you all for giving your opinions. I know that I need to go, but typically I am scared of the consequences. I know that they will come after me and my family, friends, work. I will have to give up my job because it just won’t be safe. Funny how I know that for a fact but I am still here. Food for thought there. Anyway, thanks again all.

Sardonicat · 02-06-2019 11:41am

OP please call AMEN or Women's Aid, whichever is most applicable for you. They will support you and advise you how to leave and stay safe. You sound like you will need garda support, safety orders etc and they will help you with that. There's help out there for you. Is there any one in management at work you could confide in who could help you out with time off etc? Please reach out. You're not as alone or isolated as your spouse wants you to believe.

Ursus Horribilis · 02-06-2019 12:12pm

Unreasonable Time? wrote: »

I am scared of the consequences. I know that they will come after me and my family, friends, work. I will have to give up my job because it just won’t be safe. Funny how I know that for a fact but I am still here. Food for thought there. Anyway, thanks again all.

I wonder are you catastrophising? I would be very surprised if your family and friends don't already know what's going on. Often, the person in the eye of the storm is the last to figure things out. And furthermore, many of them will be only too willing to believe you and help you, should you decide to leave. They're just waiting for you to be brave and to take that step.

I'm also puzzled as to why you feel you need to give up your job. Do you believe your spouse will physically assault you? Or that they'll spread rumours that'll wreck your reputation. This is where taking pre-emptive action is vital. Tell your manager etc. about what's going on before he/she does something. You might also discover that they've got an idea about what's going on too.

As you've been advised already, please contact AMEN or Women's Aid and talk to someone there. It mightn't be wise to do so from your own mobile phone, given what you've told us already. But please, do call them. Getting some information can't hurt. And it's not as bold a step as leaving. Please do something, rather than spend the rest of your life in this dreadful situation. I hope starting this thread has lit a fire in you.

shesty · 02-06-2019 9:35pm

I genuinely cannot figure out if the OP is a man or woman.

But either way you do need to get out.You are in a prison here OP, you cry going back?You get locked into the house?You can't go visit your family?You can't even spend your lunch by yourself?I don't know whether you are male or female but go look up Women's Aid or Amen and they have "checklists" of what qualifies as an abusive relationship.You tick a lot of boxes on them.

Please get out, your life is worth more than.Good luck.

Hannibal_Smith · 03-06-2019 7:30am

I always remember a really lovely religion teacher we had in school who told us about abusive relationships. She said it started with isolation. They would seek ways of separating you from your family and friends first. The next step they would belittle you, so that you believed you would be lost without them, or somehow had no option but to stay, so you couldn't leave and the next step was the physical abuse.

That maybe simplifying and streamlining a very complex issue, but reading your post the first two warning signs jumped out at me.

Some couples love spending each waking moment together. I'm sure we can all think of a couple like that. But usually it's complicit. Maybe if your spouse grew up with this, they believe not spending time together is an unsuccessful marriage? And desperation is compelling them to be so controlling?

Either way it doesn't matter, you've said you feel unsafe. So things have gone wrong. And dealing with it with them is no longer an option.

You feel isolated, you feel unable to leave., but you have a family who care about you enough to have spotted things already. Your friends maybe busy, but that doesn't translate in to unwilling to help. You have been referred to resources here that can help. You have options. Use them and get yourself out.

Quality Time...

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