Boyfriend problems

GoTfan · 28-04-2019 12:49am #1

I’m 33 years old and in a relationship three years. We are living together in rented accommodation at the moment. I’m unhappy with my relationship for many reasons.
Firstly, my bf and I don’t spend any quality time together. He’s a farmer and works long hours 7 days a week. Winter and spring are particularly busy months. I am busy also with work and I have family commitments that take up a lot of my time away from my bf. I can’t remember the last time we went out together just the two of us. I feel he makes no effort to spend any time with me. In the evenings we end up watching tv and on our phones. I’m completely fed up with this. It’s getting to the point where we barely talk to each other. We go through the chit chat about our day but we rarely discuss or plan for our future together. I’m feeling very fed up about this.
Secondly, I want to go away with him for a holiday during the summer. I brought this up on several occasions and get the response that we will. We haven’t been away together in 2 years. He seems to brush me off any time I mention a holiday and at this stage I feel that I am nagging and I am getting very frustrated.
Thirdly, I feel that I am doing the bulk of the housework. As I said he works long hours so it’s left to me to do cooking, cleaning etc. This bothers me as his whole focus seems to be on the farm and little else.
At the moment I am very fed up, frustrated and annoyed. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

December2012 · 28-04-2019 12:51am

It will not change. So if you're not happy to live like this (And you clearly aren't presently), them break up. Your boyfriend wont change. What are you actually getting out of the relationship?

Metric Tensor · 28-04-2019 1:02am

Farming is a calling to almost all farmers. It wouldn't be possible to go through the hardship that most of them do if it was solely "a job". This means that everything revolves around the farm for a farmer. It's a unique life and if you're signing up to be a farmer's significant other (of any sex) your whole life will forever revolve around the farm. (Even the "retired" farmers I know seem to farm more hours in a week than I would spend at work - and I work long hours!)

That's not to say that you shouldn't be treated right and have an active partner in your relationship. These are important relationship issues and I'm not the one to give advice on these.

I just wanted to comment on the farm thing - if that's the plan for life you need to be aware of what's coming. It's perfect for some but a prison for others - go in with your eyes open. Talk to other farmer's partners.

P.S.: Having read my post it sounds a bit like I'm justifying some of the issues. This is not my intention. There are clearly issues. I only wanted to point out the realities of farm life if that's in your future - which it should only be if the relationship is a good and solid one.

The_Honeybadger · 28-04-2019 1:24am

Op I grew up on a large farm in a staunch agricultural community and know exactly what you are talking about. Farmers are often obsessive about the farm and cannot think about anything else or bear to be away for a holiday or trust anybody else to run things for them even for a day. When I was growing up I and my siblings worked endlessly on the farm, we never went anywhere, no holidays or family days out, no after school activities etc. Anything outside the farm was seen as a waste of time or ‘dossing’ as my father used to call it. Most of our neighbours were the same. It was like a badge of honour to work yourself in to the ground.

My brother took over the farm eventually and it’s the same with him, his wife has her own career but is always complaining that she has no life outside that and is always alone with the kids.

Some farmers do strike a better balance now but most don’t in my experience. I doubt it will change for you. The farm may be more important than your relationship to him and if that is the case you have a decision to make.

You need to have a conversation with your partner and figure out what you both want. Presumably you don’t have kids? I can tell you right now if / when you do you will be effectively the sole carer as the farm will always come first. Good luck op.

Vangoghslow · 28-04-2019 1:45am

I know a lot of farmers in around this age. Some are exactly like your bf. Work, work, talk about farming, few other interests, get chipper if there is no one else to cook for them, phone, sleep, repeat.

Then there are some who work just as hard but have loads of hobbies and interests outside of farming. They travel and seek out fun things with their friends and partners regularly. They help with all the normal household duties like everybody else.

Farming is demanding like a lot of jobs but it's no excuse to not find the time to do things. I think he is just boring and stuck in his ways. If he makes no effort to go on holidays with you then he never will.

I know people in relationships who say ah ye they're grand, sure they'll do and that's it, they like me now I don't need to put anymore effort in. That kinda sounds like your bf.
If there is no excitement after only 3 years of dating then it's not going to get any better. I think he's taking you for granted. Relationships need as much work as a farm. I'd dump him before you waste anymore years.

suicide_circus · 28-04-2019 10:09am

this wont get better. and things that were wrong in a relationship are never solved or improved by marriage. if you think you do all the house work now, wait til you have kids!

starburst87 · 28-04-2019 3:27pm

I know a woman in her 60's married to a farmer, I grew up with her kids and spent many a day on the farm and out around the fields, the kids are all grown up now and have left home, it is just herself and himself, in the 30 years that I have known the family they have never ever been away together as a family or as a couple and to this day the lady still holidays on her own. I personally couldn't do that, there's more to life for me but for others that's their way of life.

Edit: I don't think things will change or get better, if anything it will get harder especially if your thinking about marriage and kids and all that comes with it. The red flag for me is your only together 3 years and this is how you feel.

Ursus Horribilis · 28-04-2019 4:19pm

So what changed from when you first got together? I assume he was farming when you first met. Did he make time for you then? Did you go on trips away etc?

mayota · 29-04-2019 8:47am

Is he farming alone or has he help from parents or siblings? Tell him you are booking a weeks holiday on such a date and if he says he is busy that week with silage etc then say grand the following week will do and go ahead and book it.

LegacyUser · 29-04-2019 10:02am

Farming isn't really the issue here, the fact that he puts no effort into the time you have together and won't make plans for something as simple as a holiday is a bigger problem and that would probably be the case even if he worked less, there are plenty of people who work little, but check out of the relationship in some other way, drinking, affairs, whatever. I live in a farming community and there are lots of people working hard at big farms, but still making good time for a family and social life. Your boyfriend could be reducing his hours, taking on help, automating, planning his work to spend better time with you, discussing the impact of his hours on you and what you might do about it together for the long-term, but he's not - that's his view of the relationship and the value he places on it, it has nothing to do with farming.

Xterminator · 29-04-2019 11:15am

Hi Op

Im not sure what you want to hear from the strangers on the internet. I sympathise that it sounds like you are lonely, and suspect that if you accept things as they are nothing is going to change.

so what is the ideal solution here? is it to break up, or to attempt to improve your relationship. Could you be arsed, and will he bother or does he just want a quiet life in the evening?

If he is working long hours on the farm, and you do a lot of the housework then that seems balanced, IE he would hardly do all his work and then 1/2 the chores. But perhaps you can learn some of the farming tasks that he currently does, take them on giving him a break, and in turn get a rest from the housework - so he can get a taste of that end of things there. You can suggest it, and see if he is open to it?

Taking a weeks holiday together sounds like a nice break from the routine, and a chance to spend time with each other and not just in the same room. but is it practical? Who will look after things in your absence, and what are the risks?

no doubt you would have to choose a time of the year when it is practical, and when your neighbour/family member can drop over and do what has to be done. So advice planning and getting agreement is needed. But make it clear, the relationship needs nurturing every but as much as the farm crops/animals.

If he resists making changes to his lifestyle to accommodate you then you may have to consider your other options.

freedominacup · 29-04-2019 9:35pm

Run away quickly. That sort of nonsense belongs in the past. Farming full time here. 4 kids from primary to lc.
Holidays booked since December for late June. If he wanted to he'd adjust his lifestyle. What he wants is a replacement mammy. My wife works full time also. The whole thing would fall apart if I didn't do my share. I meet several other farmers at school every morning and at training/matches during the week. We're all a good bit older than him.

Skibunny77 · 01-05-2019 7:22am

All farmers are not like this. Yes, family life has to adapt to seasonal demands but my husband and I make room for shared and individual interests, time for the kids and regular breaks or holidays. He pulls his weight around the house. I know farmers like your bf and couldn't be in a relationship with someone like that. Their wives always to be yearning for a richer life and often have to do things alone. He is getting everything in this relationship and giving nothing.
He may not like going on holidays, he may be content with how things are going. You are clearly not. You need to sit down, talk to him and tell him about your unhappiness, see what you both feel about it. You need to communicate.

Stan27 · 01-05-2019 9:34am

sorry but it will never change. Move on !!

LegacyUser · 05-05-2019 2:17am

Sounds like one of the old fashioned farmers to me and I doubt that he will ever change if he is like that now.

Of course they are other men who spend just as much time focused on their career as farmers and rarely spend any time with their partners/kids either. so it's not just limited to farmers...but I do think that that mentality in farmers is probably harder to break.

So you have to ask yourself, if this is your life in 5 years time, will you be happy?

Skinnydave19 · 16-06-2019 7:19am

You really need to sit down and talk about this. No point throwing away 3 years of your life and you haven’t even given the lad the chance to change.

People can some times get in a rut and forget that there is more to life than work.

My mother used to be a bit like that and one day she just decided she was going to have more of a say, and she did. It is what you make of it.

Just turn off all the tv. Sit him down and tell him, or it will eat you up. If he’s not willing to make a go of it. Then at least you tried.

I grew up on a farm, and it was 24/7. Married a girl from the city and I can honestly say, farming is in my blood, I love it. But when you enjoy life out side of farming( I still farm part time btW), You understand that it needs to be viewed as a business and as a means to adding to a good life.

Icepick · 24-06-2019 8:18am

Skinnydave19 wrote: »

No point throwing away 3 years of your life and you haven’t even given the lad the chance to change.

The 3 years are already gone and their only use is to learn a lesson and stop wasting time quicker next time.
The chance to change is also a rather presumptuous thought.

wiggle16 · 24-06-2019 11:05am

As the OP hasn't been back in 2 months, I am closing this thread.

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Boyfriend problems

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