Need to vent

LegacyUser · 16-06-2019 7:09am #1

I’m 28 (m), and met the love of my life 24 (f) last Summer. She just came out of a 4 year relationship and we literally hooked up a week later. I’ve been with a lot of girls but have never been in a proper relationship until her. She swept me off my feet. I knew I loved her after one night together. We connected brilliantly, it felt like she felt the same in every aspect. I was 100% honest with her in my feelings and she said she felt the same. I work really long hours and the last 2 weeks I worked 89 hours the first week and 92 hours the second week. This was always a problem but we were able to work through it. I literally spent my free time, other than sleep, with her. One day, last month, she said it wasn’t working. She felt she rushed into another relationship too soon, which I understand. So we broke up over text, I initiated it because I knew it was what she wanted but she wanted to do it in person. So she spent one night at mine and it was the best night ever. We chatted all night and made love until late the next day. I told her I loved her and I couldn’t lose her and she said she loved me but this was something she had to do. She said she had no interest in any other lads but that she needed her own space for a while. Since we broke up we’ve texted a bit and it just seemed to die of on her end after about a week. I was heartbroken, and still am. I struggled to not text her daily, even just for a chat but I told myself I need to forget about it. Then she snapped me out of the blue and I couldn’t help but snap her back. So we chatted again for a day or two and it died on her end again. ( these chats were just mundane day to day stuff, no relationship talk). I don’t think she realises the effect this is having on me. Like i genuinely feel heartbroken and the way it ended, I feel like she’s given me a bit of hope that something might happen in the future but I’m afraid it could all be just a load of bollox. I’m trying my best to forget her but i just cant. I can’t get her out of my head no matter how hard i try. Even though she just came out of a 4 year relationship, I genuinely feel like she meant all the stuff she said about our future.

I have to mention, we met through a friend one night before she got with her ex and we ended up spending the weekend at mine so that’s how we got together so quickly after her and her ex split. She told me she felt like we had unfinished business. I just fell head over heals for her and i was always worried she just felt a sexual attraction more than anything but she reassured me that wasn’t the case and her body language told me the same. It just seemed to change after Xmas.

I also have to mention that she suffered with severe depression when she was 17/18 due to an undiagnosed chronic illness. She eventually got a proper diagnosis and she’s been knowingly living with this chronic illness for the last 5/6 years. I tried harder than anything to make sure she was ok in everything we did together. But after Xmas her whole demeanor changed and she cited this as a big factor in the break up. She said she wasn’t feeling right and her depression was coming back. She said she felt guilty when she thought about a future with me because I’d have to, potentially, push her around in a wheelchair when she’s 40. She also said she mightn’t be able to have kids and again, felt guilty about it. I wish she could read my mind and see how little I give a **** about any of this. I’m in love with her and couldn’t give a **** about anything else, as long as I could spend my life with her and just her I’d die happy.

I don’t really know what I’m hoping for here. I just want to vent I think. I’d rather write all this down here than talk to anyone about it, so this has helped.

Ursus Horribilis · 16-06-2019 8:50pm

You're not going to like the one piece of advice I have to give you here. You need to ask her to stop contacting you and go cold turkey.

Even Stevie Wonder would be able spot how passionately you feel about your ex. But this break-up has turned into a horrible, confusing mess that is doing nothing but torment you. No matter how much you rage against what happened, try to find logic in it and wish you could find a way forward, you can't go anywhere if she doesn't want this too. It appears that she doesn't. Will she change her mind in the future? Who knows? All I can say is that this is one of the worst sorts of break-ups anyone can suffer. The one where the couple breaks up but still stay in contact. You can't have her in your life in the way you have her at the moment. All it is doing is repeatedly throwing fresh salt onto your gaping wounds. Sorry pal but you've got to cut contact. It'd be better if you blocked her number altogether but I sense that'd be a step too far. So just ask her to leave you alone and see how that goes.

Kidchameleon · 16-06-2019 9:38pm

I'm really sorry but you are a rebound. Her contacting you then cutting contact is just an ego boost to her. There is no way she feels the way she said she felt about you after just breaking up from a 4 year relationship. You say you have tried everything to stay out of contact with her. Well man, you gotta block her. Nothing is going to come of this only you feeling ****ty about yourself and pining after a woman you will never have & who is not all she seems to you at the moment. We all feel like that when we fall head over heels, that nothing they say or do will bother you, but she is not perfect you need to realize this and get on with your life. This is only a minor blip for you in the grand scheme of things. You see to have alot of love to give, save it for the right girl. Wishing you luck.

17-06-2019 3:29pm

Sounds almost identical to something I went through. For few months after "breaking up", we continued an on/off relationship. I had to ask to cut all contact with me eventually as it was too hard. You know its the right thing to do but its really hard. I wanted more. She was just out of a long term relationship so couldn't commit. Sometimes timing is important. It took me a year to fully move on but I did. I'd be lying if I said I still didn't think of her sometimes but those feelings from before have hugely waned. She's not the right girl for you.

Wibbs · 19-06-2019 10:13pm

BokenHeartd91 wrote: »

I’m 28 (m), and met the love of my life 24 (f) last Summer.

Great stuff. Though Love of my life is something one can only be sure of later on in life, if not at the end of it.

She just came out of a 4 year relationship and we literally hooked up a week later.

Danger Will Robinson! No doubt some have gone on to have the Mills and Boon lifetime fairy tale castles in the air romance in such circumstances, but bloody rarely in my experience.

I’ve been with a lot of girls but have never been in a proper relationship until her. She swept me off my feet. I knew I loved her after one night together.

Chemistry, more like biology can do that, but you can't possibly truly love someone you don't really know and after one night you don't. FWIW and IMHO those who fall in love so quickly also heavily tend to fall out of it equally quickly. Unless they're the ones who are left first, then the idealised image of the other person digs in ever deeper.

This was always a problem but we were able to work through it.

You thought so anyway.

I literally spent my free time, other than sleep, with her. One day, last month, she said it wasn’t working. She felt she rushed into another relationship too soon, which I understand. So we broke up over text, I initiated it because I knew it was what she wanted but she wanted to do it in person. So she spent one night at mine and it was the best night ever. We chatted all night and made love until late the next day. I told her I loved her and I couldn’t lose her and she said she loved me but this was something she had to do. She said she had no interest in any other lads but that she needed her own space for a while.

Translation: she was likely caught up with the headiness of it all, a continuation of the relationship stuff she had lost with the other bloke, but with someone new and so into her so quickly.

Genuine True Fact™ Alert. If someone is in love with you early in a relationship which is going ok, they don't need space, they don't leave.

Since we broke up we’ve texted a bit and it just seemed to die of on her end after about a week. I was heartbroken, and still am. I struggled to not text her daily, even just for a chat but I told myself I need to forget about it. Then she snapped me out of the blue and I couldn’t help but snap her back. So we chatted again for a day or two and it died on her end again. ( these chats were just mundane day to day stuff, no relationship talk). I don’t think she realises the effect this is having on me. Like i genuinely feel heartbroken and the way it ended, I feel like she’s given me a bit of hope that something might happen in the future but I’m afraid it could all be just a load of bollox. I’m trying my best to forget her but i just cant. I can’t get her out of my head no matter how hard i try. Even though she just came out of a 4 year relationship, I genuinely feel like she meant all the stuff she said about our future.

Maybe she did, hell she probably did; in the moment. But always and I mean always look to actions not words. OK, let's flip the script... You say you love her, she was the love of your life, yeah? Would you be happy to "push her around in a wheelchair when she’s 40"? Would you be OK with it if "she mightn’t be able to have kids"? I don't think I need tarot cards and a crystal ball with added Jedi mind tricks to guess your answer would be yes. Would you leave her? That answer would be a no. Yet she did leave.

Now that's mostly bollocks and film flam, liking the sound of my own keystrokes(not a shock) on my part, so what's the solution? Warning This will NOT BE EASY. And you probably will not do it and you certainly won't like it at the moment in time, but hopefully she meets you halfway. I'm just copying Ursus H and Kid C's homework over their shoulders here and will claim it as my one, but..

Cut all contact. If you like - and you will be tempted, leave her one message that wishes her all your best wishes in her life and then delete her number, Facebook, twitter, snapchat, whatever. Delete her in practical terms, your heart and head will follow. It will take time BH, but if it's any consolation your speed of falling will likely be echoed in your speed of rising from this.

If and only if you realise that what you loved and are missing now is much more an image of her(aided to be fair to you in no small part by her working through her own shit tat you happened to end up being in the middle of) digging into your psyche. I've kinda been in a similar place to where you are now, though the background and circumstances were different, but I was most certainly more into who I thought she was. An image of Her©. Years later we bumped into each other and had a great chat and I realised that she indeed was a nice woman, a very nice one actually, but I was bound to her image, not her. A her that would have never really worked with me and vice versa. In an odd way that made me like her more, in a very real sense.

Just be sure this pain will pass, all pains do, or at worst get duller with time. Good luck and cut contact. You'll thank your future self for it.

SaltSweatSugar · 20-06-2019 4:35pm

Be wary of getting involved with people who are just out of a relationship, it rarely ends well.

It sucks your going through this OP, I can only echo what the others have said here, they’re bang on the money.

Bobtheman · 24-06-2019 4:47pm

Leave her be. Make it clear you are open to renewing a relationship but not until she is ready.
Id also sit back and realise you don't know her that well. Do you really want be a carer for god knows how many years.
You are in the first flush of passion. Passion always fades. Keep this in mind.
Be clear you don't want to hear from her until she wants that relationship. Delete her contact details. That leaves her to decide. Communicating outside of those parameters will torture you.

Need to vent

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