Partners Weight

LegacyUser · 02-06-2019 9:32am #1

We're getting married in August. Ever since I've known my partner he has constantly said he wants to lose weight and have always been aiming for a particular weight. He says that he looked his best at that weight but I honestly don't believe he was ever that weight during his adult life from pictures I've seen he definitely was never that size during our 7 year relationship.

I think my partner's weight is fine. I fell in love with him the weight that he is. I've never known any different. He's not drastically overweight by any means (maybe a few lbs) but he's obsessed with being a certain weight which is about 2 stone lighter than what he is.

There's no middle ground with him, he is either training nearly every day (sometimes twice a day), eating healthy but drastically cutting his calories for his size or not training and eating takeaway. He would happily eat a share bar of chocolate a day to themselves after having a takeaway.

He went in to get his suit and wanted to buy it in a smaller size because he told the tailor he'd be losing weight. The tailor convinced him to buy it in a size that fits him now and that it could be altered.

The issue is he keeps saying 'Oh I'm going to be that weight for the wedding' and at this stage, it's completely impossible for that to happen. I'm worried about what is going to happen on the wedding day or even after the wedding day when he sees pictures of himself. Anytime he sees a picture of himself he says jesus i'm fat.

On the other side of this, I'm actively trying to lose weight. Cooking healthy meals (for both of us) and trying to get some exercise in when I can. It's starting to really bother me now when he comes home with bags of sweets/chocolate and a takeaway. I'm the one that has to listen to him complaining about his weight. I'm constantly throwing out homemade salads/soups/dinners I've made him because he's opted for a takeaway instead.

Any suggestions?

Dtp1979 · 02-06-2019 9:40am

Leave him to it. If he wants to continue to daydream About this weight loss, let him. Maybe text him in advance of you cooking to see if he wants dinner. That way, it won’t go to waste.

Big Bag of Chips · 02-06-2019 9:41am

I think this is a situation where you just have to be straight up with him. Tell him he is constantly going on about losing 2 stone, but isn't consistent in trying. Tell him that eating takeaways and piles of sweets isn't going to help matters. Tell him you don't care what weight he is. You fell in love with him at this weight. But if it's something he honestly wants to do for himself then he needs to stop talking about it, and do it... Properly.

Tell him it's getting tedious to listen to him repeating the same thing on a loop.

You could also try a month where neither of you eat any takeaways and see how that goes.

But honestly, you have to tell him he's becoming a bore going on about his 2 stone. And he's insulting you by bringing home takeaways instead of eating what's already prepared for him.

leggo · 02-06-2019 11:15am

Dtp1979 wrote: »

Leave him to it. If he wants to continue to daydream About this weight loss, let him. Maybe text him in advance of you cooking to see if he wants dinner. That way, it won’t go to waste.

Yeah, this. People have goals that they aim for and never hit, it’s a part of life. And it’s good to be aspirational too! It’s ultimately better to aim for improvement and come up short than settle for the fact that you’ll never do it and not to try at all. Part of being a good partner is listening to this and supporting them through it, whichever way it goes. If they ask, there’s your opportunity to influence things a little, but ultimately they’ll decide what’s best for themselves. Maybe detach yourself slightly from the outcome and just leave him to it, as outlined above.

Focus on the parts that inconvenience you directly, i.e, making dinner that goes to waste, and deal with that by saying you don’t want to prepare food then seeing it go to waste. But it’d be mean and totally unnecessary to say “you can’t do this.” I don’t see one benefit to that tbh. Sure you won’t have to listen to him go on about it anymore, but he’ll also probably love you a little less for it. Is that a good trade-off when you can just “mmhmm” every time he starts? By all means chime in reminding him you fell for him as he is and don’t think he needs to change, but not to that degree. When I’ve been with girls who talk about wanting to lose weight, I’ll always default back to something along the lines of “You know I think you’re perfect as it is but if you need this to be happy in yourself I support you.”

ginandtonicsky · 02-06-2019 6:25pm

This is not an uncommon thing actually, I know loads of people who feel the same way about their weight. Having a "magic number" when it comes to their goal weight, usually something that's unrealistic for them, and doing little to nothing to get there. Aside from an all-or-nothing "I'm either being good or being bad" approach to their diet that is designed to fail.

I don't know what the psychology behind it is, probably self-esteem issues and a sort of "Fear of success" - it's so easy to set an ultimately unachievable goal and hold it on a pedestal and as a reason for not accomplishing other things, than it is to actually get out there and discover your own limitations.

I engaged in this "magic number" thinking for at least a decade, and in the end I only snapped out of it when I started seeing a therapist for other issues. I brought up the body image stuff, the constantly striving to be thinner, and she quite simply said, "but you're not overweight? You look healthy and great" with a totally perplexed look on her face. Such a simple comment but it gave me complete perspective on how others see me versus how I had learned to see myself. I.E others see someone fit and healthy, I see someone who's "never good enough".

Anyway, that replaced the negative thought patterns in my head and I stopped fixating on my scales and started focusing on fitness goals instead that take the spotlight off numbers and place them on getting stronger instead.

Not sure what to advise in your case, but maybe some of this has helped. Support your partner's goals, but I think giving him perspective in how much these "magical goals" are impacting your life could be helpful. From the practical stuff - the food waste etc - to the emotional side of it and being constantly frustrated and sad to see him harp on about something that he has little to no intention of ever changing. And how your love for him isn't based on him looking a certain way, you just want him to be happy and at peace with himself.

Best of luck with the wedding!

justincasey · 02-06-2019 6:35pm

Maybe look at a personal trainer for both of you forthe next two months. They could set realistic goals and help staying motivated. Good luck with wedding

Porklife · 03-06-2019 11:00am

<Mod Snip>
Op, my advice would be the tough love approach. Be honest with him. Tell him you'll support his weight loss trip but only if it's realistic. He obviously knows eating giant chocolate bars and take aways is not the way to lose weight.

Big Bag of Chips · 03-06-2019 1:57pm

Mod Note:
Porklife and leggo I've deleted your off topic replies. Any differences you have with each other take them off thread please. If you want to refute each other's points do so in the context of addressing the OP.

Off topic squabbling is tedious for the OP who has come asking advice on her issue.

AulWan · 04-06-2019 9:06pm

If he really wanted to lose weight, would he consider joining a weight loss support group? Weight Watchers have some men only groups, or Slimming World is very welcoming towards men.

I achieved my weight loss goals through Slimming World and there were quite a few men in my group. They always seemed to do very well, and lost weight quicker then the ladies.

Call his bluff on it. Research groups near you, and then present him with the information. Then suggest he either acts on it, or shuts up about it.

Dog Man Star · 05-06-2019 7:53pm

If he's not prepared to lose weight now he never will. He's got you, happy days for him.

You're getting married in two months? Call it off. I was so madly wrapped up in wife then, there wasn't a hint of a doubt. So many things change over the next 10 years, but I was so madly in love with her on that day and still now.

It's pretty clear you are having second thoughts, so call it off now. Or else have a mental case harrassing you for the next 40 years.

December2012 · 05-06-2019 8:02pm

I disagree with Dog Man Star. I don't think that this albeit annoying behaviour means that he is a mental case harassing his spouse, or that the OP is having second thoughts.

OP there are some great ideas on thread - the training together is a great one. But if he brings stuff home, you are going to have to be strong and not eat it. Or else just accept yourself as you are too!

JustAThought · 06-06-2019 1:02am

Sounds like he's a big foodie with great fitness & health aspirations ans without the long term sustainable willpower !! Maybe get him off the slabs of chocolate & onto Lindt dark chocolate bars which are harder to eat as much of & see if you can figure if it is the same takeaway dinner he gets & if there might be a healthier option for that 1 night a week!!. Or let him enjoy it -but no family blocks of choc to go with it!

If this was a girl we would all be chiming in with stories of aneroxia & eating disorders - not all bulemics or aneroxivs are sucessful ( or thin) and frenzied exercising and binge eating are key characteristics.

I like the personal trainer suggestion - maybe merge this with an eating plan ( some PT's do this) or do an online happy heart eating class for a month -together - I think groupon hsd one for the happy pear or irish heart foundation recently complete with fb menus & group weigh in private group support.

Either way at least he isfitness aware & trying. It might be an idea to see if he can plot out what triggers make him lapse & maybe address it this way.. late days at work, stress, not eating lunch & then exercising & being starving or just driving home that way & stoppi g out of habbit. Might show interest conclusions if he is honest.

antix80 · 11-06-2019 5:07pm

This post gave me a laugh. It sounds like so many people I know!

My brother actually did lose a lot of weight since his wedding day and every time he looks at his own photo he says "why didn't anyone tell me I was so fat"

I'll just tell you now.. he's probably not going to change. This is a cycle he's stuck in. It's not particularly harmful. Maybe he likes hitting the gym, but just isn't committed enough to live the lifestyle. Maybe the takeaways and share-bars are more fun for him than your chicken and broccoli. I reckon you'll get used to it, laugh along, and the "i'm so fat in that photo" will become his catchphrase throughout the rest of your marriage.

The only problem areas are that he lets you throw the food you prepared in the bin. That's pretty lousy of him, and it's funny how you ever let that happen. I'd suggest getting a commitment from him that you eat together and that he only gets takeaways when you're both having a takeaway -and keep it to a day or 2 a week.

The best way you can support him if he's serious about losing weight is to make food he'll enjoy. Think less veg, more meat. Maybe a few home comforts like cottage pie, and plenty of Fake-aways (burger in pita bread, tortilla wrap pizza with mozzarella and bbq sauce, tacos).

As for him not having enough time to reach that goal. 8 weeks is plenty of time to lose 2 stone. If he can afford a personal trainer it would be a great investment.

LegacyUser · 11-06-2019 10:38pm

antix80 wrote: »

I'll just tell you now.. he's probably not going to change. This is a cycle he's stuck in. It's not particularly harmful.

I think it sounds like it could potentially be very harmful if he keeps it up. Going through periods of binging and then going to extremes exercising twice a day and drastically cutting the calories for his size sounds like disordered eating to me, and could probably lead to health problems in the future.

beauf · 14-06-2019 1:42pm

He needs outside hello like the motivation clinic or a men's slimming or men's weight watchers. They will tell him what's realistic.

Dtp1979 · 14-06-2019 2:20pm

beauf wrote: »

He needs outside hello like the motivation clinic or a men's slimming or men's weight watchers. They will tell him what's realistic.

Or maybe go to somebody who actually knows what they’re talking about, like a dietitian

beauf · 14-06-2019 2:48pm

Dtp1979 wrote: »

Or maybe go to somebody who actually knows what they’re talking about, like a dietitian

He could also do that.

The important bit of those groups is really the support of like-minded peer group. The dietary information most people know. It's getting the motivation and techniques to break the habit and ingrained behavior.

Partners Weight

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