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Afraid I won't be able to support my children

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  • 11-11-2019 11:24am
    #1
    Purple Lemons
    Registered Users Posts: 5,547 ✭✭✭


    Very sorry if this has been asked previously but I'm hopeful someone has some advice.

    I had to leave my job 4/5 months ago because my partner of 5 years started to do overtime midweek and Saturdays with the occasional Sunday too. He has now left, I'm unemployed with 2 small children and no savings. I'm going to head straight to citizens information and the social welfare office today once my child is home from nursery but I'm an absolute mess. I don't know what I'm entitled to if I even am entitled to anything. I don't know how I'm going to pay rent and bills and keep us fed. I'm in a different county and I'm terrified we're going to become homeless. Most worryingly I don't know how best to explain ex partners absence to a 3 year old.

    I realise this will read to some like I'm a drama queen looking for a handout but I genuinely just need some help or advice to get back on my feet. This is the last thing I'd want for my family and I'll do everything I can to keep our heads above water


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    #2
    Wanderer78
    Registered Users Posts: 28,890 ✭✭✭✭Wanderer78


    Purple Lemons wrote:
    I realise this will read to some like I'm a drama queen looking for a handout but I genuinely just need some help or advice to get back on my feet. This is the last thing I'd want for my family and I'll do everything I can to keep our heads above water


    You're not a drama queen, our welfare system is there for these type of emergencies. I've no advice for you, but others will be along soon, citizens Info and welfare visits are a good start. Best of luck


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    #3
    TheHairyMenace
    Closed Accounts Posts: 37 ✭TheHairyMenace


    Purple Lemons wrote: »
    Very sorry if this has been asked previously but I'm hopeful someone has some advice.

    I had to leave my job 4/5 months ago because my partner of 5 years started to do overtime midweek and Saturdays with the occasional Sunday too. He has now left, I'm unemployed with 2 small children and no savings. I'm going to head straight to citizens information and the social welfare office today once my child is home from nursery but I'm an absolute mess. I don't know what I'm entitled to if I even am entitled to anything. I don't know how I'm going to pay rent and bills and keep us fed. I'm in a different county and I'm terrified we're going to become homeless. Most worryingly I don't know how best to explain ex partners absence to a 3 year old.

    I realise this will read to some like I'm a drama queen looking for a handout but I genuinely just need some help or advice to get back on my feet. This is the last thing I'd want for my family and I'll do everything I can to keep our heads above water

    That's an awful situation to be in OP and right now it seems like you haven't had a chance to process it at all and are in shock. And everything seems worse at this stage.

    However, you've taken a brilliant, (dare I say courageous), approach to handling it by acknowledging how incredibly stressed and panicked you feel and then taking positive steps to try and mitigate that by speaking with citizens information, the social welfare and anyone else who may be able to offer assistance.

    You are categorically NOT coming across like a drama queen rather you come across as someone demonstrating great strength of character by trying to deal with what is, in all honesty, a horrible situation.

    Last point; can I ask where your ex is in all of this? He doesn't get to walk away from his responsiblities. Apologies for probing an open wound, (and this is probably an obvious one so again sorry!), but he should still be contributing to the care of his children. But there are other people on here who can better inform you on this point.

    Best of luck OP!


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    #4
    HildaOgdenx
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,538 Mod ✭✭✭✭HildaOgdenx


    Kids can be very adaptable, so first things first, get all the information that you need through your social welfare office and Citizens Advice, as you have mentioned.

    There are some very knowledgeable posters on the State Benefits forum who should also be able to point you in the right direction in relation to where to go from here.

    https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=861

    Mind yourself too.


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    #5
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP I’m happy that my taxes are being used to support you in your time of need, that’s what they’re for. IMO any society worth belonging to should support people.
    Get all the info you can & talk to Citizens Advice about the possibility of pursuing your ex for support.

    Very best of luck, I hope you have people to support you.


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    #6
    ManOfMystery
    Registered Users Posts: 2,394 ✭✭✭ManOfMystery


    As above OP, the benefit system is there for people like yourself who need support. Explore it fully and make sure you use what you are entitled to. There are people out there who abuse the system obviously but that is a stigma that should not be attached to those who use it for what it was designed and put in place for in the first place.

    I'm afraid I don't have a lot of advice in terms of explaining his absence to a 3yr old, but I would say that it's important for you to be a stable force in their lives now and that means being open, approachable and calmly answering their questions (no matter how personally upset you may be). Empathise with them and show that you can relate to how they feel. Young kids tend to think that they are the centre of their own little universe (I mean that in a nice way - they just aren't old enough to understand perspectives or the bigger world out there) so its important that they know they aren't to blame for what's happening in their little world.

    Your ex's sudden surge in overtime prior to leaving would lead me to think he had planned it and was trying to put money aside, which is less than exemplary behaviour for a man with a family. Especially if it forced you to give up work. He absolutely should be contributing something towards the needs of his children. Are you still in touch with him? If he's unwilling to do this voluntarily then by all means do not be phased by speaking to the proper parties about child support. Your kids come first.


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    #7
    wiggle16
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    OP I don't know where you are living but I would strongly reccommend that you look up and contact your Local Area Partnership (provided you have one, I don't know how thinly spread they are). They may also be able to help you or direct you to services who can.


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    #8
    shesty
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,894 Mod ✭✭✭✭shesty


    Tall to your child's nursery too and explain about Dad being gone, they will help support the child with you.
    Edited to suggest maybe going back to your job and seeing would they take you back??It hasn't been that long.


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    #9
    AulWan
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,653 ✭✭✭AulWan


    Purple Lemons, you mention partner, rather then husband. If you are not married, you are entitled to apply for One Parent Family Payment immediately (there is a delay of 3 months if you are married). While you are waiting for the application to be processed, you can apply for Supplementary Welfare Allowance.

    Thats the first place to start. Get that application in, as it will be backdated to date of application. If you don't have all the necessary documents they require, include a letter stating you will forward them when you have them. If you are renting, you can apply for assistance with rent.

    The other thing is to pursue your ex-partner for child maintenance. He does not get to just walk away from financially contributing towards his children. If he will not do it voluntarily, do not delay in issuing a summons. Social Welfare will require proof that you are pursuing hm for maintenance anyway, so get the ball rolling on this.

    Good luck.


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    #10
    ILoveYourVibes
    Registered Users Posts: 15,176 ✭✭✭✭ILoveYourVibes


    You don't come off as a drama queen or someone looking for a handout.

    You come off as someone wanting the best for their kids.

    I can't advise as I have zero experience with social welfare. But best of luck. x


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    #11
    pinkyeye
    Registered Users Posts: 1,293 ✭✭✭pinkyeye


    OP, this is such a difficult situation, I've been there, done that. Admittedly I did have a job at the time but it was still the sudden drop off half the household income.

    It's difficult to get everything sorted and there will be a few scary months, but it all gets sorted in the end.

    I went to the court first of all for maintenance, it's a fairly easy process and very family friendly. Or it was then, I'm sure they're more over-loaded now but they certainly don't make it difficult.

    Social Welfare will help you with the rent, again that's probably going to be a long process but don't worry about being homeless, it's not that easy for landlords to evict.

    <mod snip>


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    #12
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I’m not sure how quickly forms for welfare can be processed so if there’s a gap where you are stuck for money, find out where your local St Vincent De Paul meet and call/ go down to speak with them. They will help to tide you over until all your benefits kick in. Don’t let yourself or the kids go hungry or cold. As others have said, I pay my taxes for times like this (and I also donate to St V de P for these scenarios).
    Well done-it might not feel like it right now but you’re doing everything right. Hope all goes well and you meet good people along the way.


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    #13
    woodchuck
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,409 Mod ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    Mod note:

    Although well intentioned, please note that asking the OP to PM you is not allowed in this forum for the reasons outlined in the charter.


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    #14
    pinkyeye
    Registered Users Posts: 1,293 ✭✭✭pinkyeye


    woodchuck wrote: »
    Mod note:

    Although well intentioned, please note that asking the OP to PM you is not allowed in this forum for the reasons outlined in the charter.

    Apologies.


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