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My partners past

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  • 04-11-2019 10:49am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Me and my partner have been together almost 5 years. Sex has been fairly good, not amazing but ive been happy enough. We have a good relationship, he is kind and loving and we are generally very happy.
    Tho in the bedroom he is quite vanilla, I've tried a few timea through the years to have him tie me up and try new things. I'm not talking sex swings or anything like that, just a little bondage.
    He's always said not just into it and that was fine. Until last night we were talking about porn and he said something about him and his ex watching it together.
    Now i realise that watching porn and bondage are two totally different things but He has never watched porn with me, nor suggested it which leads me to believe that it was kinda her thing, that he tried. For her.
    But when i asked for something i was kinda told not gonna happen...
    I know that there is definitely an element of jealousy here, but I think i feel hurt that he would try things with others but not me and it makes me feel "less than" her. I should also mention that early in our relationship i found out that he had been sexting this particular ex of his, which led to jealousy and feeling like she was better than me but we had gotten through that a long time ago.
    I havent said anything to him and I'm not sure if i really should or if these feelings are even warranted.


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    #2
    TheHairyMenace
    Closed Accounts Posts: 37 ✭TheHairyMenace


    I find it weird that you've tried to get him to try bondage multiple times but it seems like he's never even suggested anything (such as watching porn together) to you.

    To be blunt it seems like he thinks the sexual aspect of your relationship is fine and is oblivious to you not being satisfied.

    In that context he's not exploring anything because he doesn't think there is anything to explore.

    The problem here, in my eyes at least, is that a healthy relationship is a kind of symbiosis, there has to be give and take. When I'm dating someone I try (not to say I succeed) to consider their wants/needs/whatever and if they suggest something it tells me they want to do some exploring. I might not be into whatever they're suggesting but I will definitely be up for a little trisexual action.

    The point is that your partner is oblivious to your side of this issue. At the very least a conversation is needed to make it clear that you're not happy with the sex and you'd like to try new things.

    As regards your insecurities about his ex, you need to drop that. We're all guilty of projecting our own insecurities onto everything and everyone around us. The only way you will resolve that is to stop doing it and that will only happen when you stop doubting yourself and projecting those doubts onto everything around you.

    Unfortunately that's a journey everyone must make for themselves.

    Best of luck OP.


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    #3
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I am OP wrote: »
    He has never watched porn with me, nor suggested it which leads me to believe that it was kinda her thing, that he tried. For her.

    Or he tired it because he'd never done it before and found he didn't like it and is mature enough to be able to tell his current partner what he does and doesn't like? OP there are things, not just sexual, that i've done with ex's that I've been firm on not doing again because I learned from the experience how comfortable I was or wasn't with something and if I wanted to try it again with a different partner. There were things I wasn't 100% comfortable with but was willing to try to see and was clear with future partners I wasn't trying again and one did try the 'but you did it with ex so it must mean you are still in love with them' blah blah they got the boot pretty sharpish after that.

    You need to remove the ex part of this from the situation. Ok he watched porn with a partner, the what, why, who is not important. Whats important is did he enjoy, yes, ok do you want to watch with me or no, ok what would you be interested in exploring? Its all about communication in a relationship. I'm sure there are things you are a hard no on when it comes to sex so get those out of the way and work from there. for example, he doesn't want to tie you up but would he be ok with you being blindfolded? If you aren't able to have these conversations openly and honestly with each other the relationship will just flounder and eventually die


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