anyone just not feel anything for family?

Alecto · 01-12-2019 2:12pm #1

I don't mean to be insensitive at all so apologies if people feel I am being. I know this can be a delicate time of year for people. I just felt like some sort of psychopath reading that other thread about people who have lost family members and the pain and anguish they've felt. I feel truly terrible for them but I've never experienced it and the idea of losing people in my family makes me feel apathetic at most. I would be very upset if anything happened to my friends or my boyfriend, I'd be absolutely devastated so I know I'm not a totally unfeeling arsehole, I just can't muster up those feelings for family and it makes me feel very odd. I wonder if there are others out there like me too.

01-12-2019 2:15pm

Alecto wrote: »

I don't mean to be insensitive at all so apologies if people feel I am being. I know this can be a delicate time of year for people. I just felt like some sort of psychopath reading that other thread about people who have lost family members and the pain and anguish they've felt. I feel truly terrible for them but I've never experienced it and the idea of losing people in my family makes me feel apathetic at most. I would be very upset if anything happened to my friends or my boyfriend, I'd be absolutely devastated so I know I'm not a totally unfeeling arsehole, I just can't muster up those feelings for family and it makes me feel very odd. I wonder if there are others out there like me too.

You must know of reasons for this, treatment or neglect. You're not a psychopath as you have feelings for people other than family, so why is that. That's a rhetorical question, and for you to consider.

Alecto · 01-12-2019 2:20pm

I suppose I have a difficult relationship with my family but I was never horrifically abused or anything and even other people who have been seem to have some sort of feelings for their family members so it confuses me.

mr_fegelien · 01-12-2019 2:21pm

Maybe you're autistic? Sometimes don't express emotions or feel them the same way as neurotypicals.

01-12-2019 2:22pm

Alecto wrote: »

I suppose I have a difficult relationship with my family but I was never horrifically abused or anything and even other people who have been seem to have some sort of feelings for their family members so it confuses me.

That's allowed. As the saying goes, you choose your friends, not your family. So, if a family wasn't supportive or have let you down you're 100% entitled to not have affection for them.

You may feel remorse for not having that relationship in the same way someone who loses a parent at a young age might have. Something you think you should have but don't.

01-12-2019 2:24pm

mr_fegelien wrote: »

Maybe you're autistic? Sometimes don't express emotions or feel them the same way as neurotypicals.

:pac:

Best response to that.

lawred2 · 01-12-2019 2:25pm

mr_fegelien wrote: »

Maybe you're autistic? Sometimes don't express emotions or feel them the same way as neurotypicals.

Ridiculous condescension

Alecto · 01-12-2019 2:25pm

I have Borderline Personality Disorder so maybe that's the reason I can't feel the way others do about their families, I just wondered if other people ever felt the same and it's like some shameful secret we have to hide.

eviltwin · 01-12-2019 2:25pm

Alecto wrote: »

I suppose I have a difficult relationship with my family but I was never horrifically abused or anything and even other people who have been seem to have some sort of feelings for their family members so it confuses me.

You don't have to have been abused to feel that way and what other people feel is their stuff and nothing to do with how you feel. I feel nothing for my birth family, I genuinely look forward to the phone call that tells me my mother is dead. That reads like I'm a heartless bitch but I have my reasons, apathy and estrangement does not just appear from nowhere. I find this time of year challenging with all the mawkish family togetherness but then I remember what my family is like and I realise its OK to feel this way.

Leg End Reject · 01-12-2019 2:37pm

You might feel differently when it happens, it's actually very difficult to imagine the impact it can have.

Ted_YNWA · 01-12-2019 2:40pm

There is no right way to interact with families OP. Everyone has their own relationships.

We are all somewhere on the range of total disengagement to living in each others pockets 24/7.

I can go from regular contact to a couple of weeks radio silence with my father & brother.

It is not good to compare your life with others, you generally only ever see the good parts of their existence being displayed.

eviltwin · 01-12-2019 2:43pm

Leg End Reject wrote: »

You might feel differently when it happens, it's actually very difficult to imagine the impact it can have.

Or maybe people know how they feel and don't need this condescending bull****?

Leg End Reject · 01-12-2019 3:37pm

eviltwin wrote: »

Or maybe people know how they feel and don't need this condescending bull****?

It wasn't intended to be condescending, the poster stated there was no real neglect or abuse which obviously would change things.

A lot of emotions are common after the death of a close relative - guilt, anger, regret, even relief etc., it's not always grief.

Edit: poster has clarified there was issues.

Alecto · 01-12-2019 3:38pm

eviltwin wrote: »

You don't have to have been abused to feel that way and what other people feel is their stuff and nothing to do with how you feel. I feel nothing for my birth family, I genuinely look forward to the phone call that tells me my mother is dead. That reads like I'm a heartless bitch but I have my reasons, apathy and estrangement does not just appear from nowhere. I find this time of year challenging with all the mawkish family togetherness but then I remember what my family is like and I realise its OK to feel this way.

Yeah, I guess you're right. I was emotionally neglected and possibly emotionally abused, a lot of gaslighting and invalidation going on. I'm sorry that you find this time of year challenging with all of this togetherness but I know how you feel. I actually do like Christmas a lot but not particularly because I spend it with family, I've been perfectly happy to spend it with others when I've had the chance.

Leg End Reject wrote: »

You might feel differently when it happens, it's actually very difficult to imagine the impact it can have.

That is true, I mean I don't know how I will feel and perhaps I will feel differently after going through it. I know I'll feel guilt if I don't feel what I'm supposed to anyway.

Ted_YNWA wrote: »

There is no right way to interact with families OP. Everyone has their own relationships.

We are all somewhere on the range of total disengagement to living in each others pockets 24/7.

I can go from regular contact to a couple of weeks radio silence with my father & brother.

It is not good to compare your life with others, you generally only ever see the good parts of their existence being displayed.

I do need to learn how not to compare myself with others in general so you make a good point, people are different. It's just that saying you don't really feel anything for your family seems to be quite a shocking thing for a lot of people.

Ted_YNWA · 01-12-2019 3:47pm

Alecto wrote: »

I do need to learn how not to compare myself with others in general so you make a good point, people are different. It's just that saying you don't really feel anything for your family seems to be quite a shocking thing for a lot of people.

It could also be down to the fact that people aren't used to the honest bluntness that someone is willing to admit it.

Every family has at least one relation that people don't like & wish they didn't share a branch on the family tree with.

There is still a shroud of reserved-ness in the Irish psyche about portraying negative opinions in certain scenarios.

cj maxx · 01-12-2019 3:48pm

Experience has taught me not to waste time, or emotions on some people.
Related or not.

One eyed Jack · 01-12-2019 3:50pm

Alecto wrote: »

I wonder if there are others out there like me too.

Yes, there are plenty of people like you out there.

Alecto wrote: »

It's just that saying you don't really feel anything for your family seems to be quite a shocking thing for a lot of people.

To be fair, have you ever considered it might just be a tad dramatic? Just a small bit like.

Raconteuse · 01-12-2019 3:57pm

mr_fegelien wrote: »

Maybe you're autistic? Sometimes don't express emotions or feel them the same way as neurotypicals.

But they care about their boyfriend and friends, just specifically not their family.

Alecto · 01-12-2019 3:58pm

One eyed Jack wrote: »

Yes, there are plenty of people like you out there.

To be fair, have you ever considered it might just be a tad dramatic? Just a small bit like.

I'd appreciate it if you didn't post in this thread.

looksee · 01-12-2019 4:08pm

OEJ's comment about drama could be relevant if you apply it to the people who get uptight about you mentioning lack of feeling for your family. The kind of noisy drama you get on fb about all kinds of emotional stuff, a lot of it over stated by people saying what they think other people want to hear.

While it is fine to discuss this sort of thing with close friends (or total strangers on the internet) the solution to other people's reactions is not to comment to randomers about your relationship with your family. You can steer round the topic, they don't have to know. For yourself, yes it is perfectly normal for people to have all kinds of links with their families from very close to barely communicating. As the others have said, don't compare yourself.

quickbeam · 01-12-2019 4:31pm

Same boat for me OP. I don't think BPD explains it as I don't have that. Well, maybe it explains it for you, but not for me, of course. There could be multiple reasons for it. Emotional neglect would be common between us, however.

You may indeed feel different when a family member dies. But for me, I didn't. Even immediately after a passing, people said: "it'll probably hit you in a few months". Several years later and I'm still mostly indifferent.

It's also something most people can't really understand. Especially when there's no "obvious" abuse that can explain it. But, meh, I don't need most people to understand. I only need those close to me to understand it.

Cee-Jay-Cee · 01-12-2019 4:35pm

mr_fegelien wrote: »

Maybe you're autistic? Sometimes don't express emotions or feel them the same way as neurotypicals.

lawred2 wrote: »

Ridiculous condescension

Clearly not.

Alecto wrote: »

I have Borderline Personality Disorder so maybe that's the reason I can't feel the way others do about their families, I just wondered if other people ever felt the same and it's like some shameful secret we have to hide.

01-12-2019 4:48pm

Cee-Jay-Cee wrote: »

Clearly not.

Borderline Personality Disorder =/= Autism

Airyfairy12 · 01-12-2019 4:53pm

Alecto wrote: »

I suppose I have a difficult relationship with my family but I was never horrifically abused or anything and even other people who have been seem to have some sort of feelings for their family members so it confuses me.

Horrific abuse causes people feel a whole mix of confusing things that effects them in lots of different ways.

If youre not that close to your family it makes sense that you wouldnt feel like a big loss if any of them died.
We're all going to die so unless any of them died in some awful tragic circumstances *touches wood* why would you be sad for them? Death is sad regardless of the circumstances obviously but its also a natural part of life that will happen to us all.

When my grandmother died I was heartbroken, when my grandfather died - I was sad, but I was mostly sad for those who would be really effected by his death, I wasnt really that close to him - only really realised this after he died.

Death is weird, it effects us all differently and each death is its own experience and will effect you differently, there is no right or wrong way to grieve, its deeply personal and you should never feel guilty for how you feel.

With all that said, you never know how a death will effect you until it happens and so many things play a part in that.
Maybe the thought of a loved one passing has little emotionally effect on you but the reality could be something very different. Either way, you feel the way feel and theres no shame in that.

freshpopcorn · 03-12-2019 7:43am

Regarding death. bereavement and emotions in generally. People really do deal with things in their own way often influenced by family. You can go to far either way in my opinion.

seamus · 03-12-2019 8:51am

Being abused would usually you mean you have strong feelings towards your family one way or another. Whether it's anger or whatever.

Indifference is usually a result of an indifferent upbringing. One where you were raised, but there wasn't any particular closeness in the family. It was more like being raised in a houseshare than in a home.

You certainly wouldn't be alone. There are plenty of people who go through the motions of family because society tells them they have to.

In terms of death, the only advice I can give you is to go see family if you know they're dying, and go to the funeral. Even if it's out of your way.

At worst, it makes no difference to you, you take somem time out of your life, but others appreciate your presence. No big deal. At best it means no regrets 20 years down the line. It's not something you can make up for later on.

Better Than Christ · 04-12-2019 1:38am

I was very close to my mother and my grandparents. But they're all dead. I'm... less close to the non-dead members of my family. Fuckin' typical, just my luck. :pac: But seriously, it's not that I dislike them or anything; our paths just don't cross very often nowadays and I've no burning desire to change that. Already dreading Christmas, I've deliberately made sure that I'll be working every day except the 25th.

My dad was quite ill a couple of years ago and while I was very useful with the practical/obligatory side of things, I didn't feel anywhere near as sad or concerned as I 'should' have. No sadder than if a neighbour or a colleague was sick. Anyway, he made a reasonable recovery, but my lack of emotion made me feel uncomfortable.

RacoonQueen · 04-12-2019 9:56am

Alecto wrote: »

I don't mean to be insensitive at all so apologies if people feel I am being. I know this can be a delicate time of year for people. I just felt like some sort of psychopath reading that other thread about people who have lost family members and the pain and anguish they've felt. I feel truly terrible for them but I've never experienced it and the idea of losing people in my family makes me feel apathetic at most. I would be very upset if anything happened to my friends or my boyfriend, I'd be absolutely devastated so I know I'm not a totally unfeeling arsehole, I just can't muster up those feelings for family and it makes me feel very odd. I wonder if there are others out there like me too.

Is there any real risk of losing anyone in your family? Anyone ever been seriously ill? If you can't actually fathom losing anyone or have never lost anyone probably hard to relate to how it would feel.

04-12-2019 10:09am

Deleted User wrote: »

You must know of reasons for this, treatment or neglect. You're not a psychopath as you have feelings for people other than family, so why is that. That's a rhetorical question, and for you to consider.

Or neither.

Psychologically speaking, I'm a borderline sociopath, with some psychopathic leanings. I've done the tests and honestly I find it all to be a bit rubbish. I was born this way. Nothing traumatic happened to me, and I've done all the memory work to ensure there's not any buried memories either. I also did a degree in Psychology to understand it all a bit better, and it just made me feel that society in general doesn't understand basic personality all that well. Neither does Psychology either, to be fair. People are far too quick to label and box the manner in which other people are different and then assign generic causes.

Alecto wrote: »

I don't mean to be insensitive at all so apologies if people feel I am being. I know this can be a delicate time of year for people. I just felt like some sort of psychopath reading that other thread about people who have lost family members and the pain and anguish they've felt. I feel truly terrible for them but I've never experienced it and the idea of losing people in my family makes me feel apathetic at most. I would be very upset if anything happened to my friends or my boyfriend, I'd be absolutely devastated so I know I'm not a totally unfeeling arsehole, I just can't muster up those feelings for family and it makes me feel very odd. I wonder if there are others out there like me too.

OP. Don't be in such a rush to take on other peoples values with regards to love and affection. You have your own unique perception on them.

Growing up I felt some affection for family members but no real love. When my grandparents died, I didn't feel any greater sadness than when a neighbor died. I knew I was expected to feel grief, but I didn't. I missed their presence, and their kindness, but nothing beyond that.

Throughout my life until my 30's I felt something to be lacking in my feelings for other people, especially in romantic relationships. I observed other peoples behaviors, and tried to understand these feelings that they spoke of. Nope. Got nowhere. Oh, I learned to fake them quite well, but it was still faking.

So, I taught myself in small steps to appreciate them as individuals. Not as some kind of automatic bond that we supposedly have by being related, but due to their actions towards me. Now, I'm in my 40s and I can comfortably say that I love my family... but it took a lot of personal development to get me to that stage, and a crap-ton of forgiveness both for myself and others. And saying that, I'm not going to say that my perception of love will be similar to others. They're my feelings.

So. OP. You'll work through them, or you'll eventually go nuts. I've encountered a handful of people similar to myself while in Asia. I've noticed that such people tend to move away from home simply because life is simpler among strangers. My friends and family understand that I don't think or behave as others do... Anyone who doesn't accept that, can disappear. Those who know me are aware that I'm working through it all my own way. Live and learn.

Monkey2019 · 04-12-2019 10:10am

I understand how you feel.

Im an only child so just have my parents. I know i will be upset when something happens them but i think im more afraid of knowing how to deal with the parent thats left behind. That's what worries me most.

Im not close with extended family - my granny is quite ill at the moment but when i talk about it its like im just talking about a neighbour or something.

My husband thinks im odd as his family are super super close. A death in the family is a huge trauma to them.

I am a really emotional person though (i cry at anything) but im just not close to my family - some people just arent. Ive no major reason not to be - there's no childhood trauma or neglect there.

I have my own son now who is my absolute world and i have so so much love for him. Everyone else i can kinda take or leave tbh!!!

mr_fegelien · 07-12-2019 2:29am

I also wonder if anyone feels that the death of a family member isn't the worst thing that's happened in their life.

i see people say that the death of their mother, father, spouse, etc..was the worst but for me I've lost an aunt and a cousin to suicide and although bad, it doesn't compare to facing homelessness for me or getting bullied.

I seem to be the anomaly in this.

anyone just not feel anything for family?

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