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I feel I'm not a priority in my relationship - can it last?

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    #32
    Idle Passerby
    Registered Users Posts: 1,121 ✭✭✭Idle Passerby


    He couldn't even tell you he loves you OP. Its very sad to be wasting your time and affection on a man who sees you as a light distraction from the real focus in life. You've told him how you feel, positive and negative and his response to both is to shrug indifferently. You can do better.


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    #33
    cannotlogin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,172 ✭✭✭cannotlogin


    You need to have the conversation you are avoiding, most likely because you know the answers you want aren't the answers you are going to get.

    Why aren't you living today?
    What future does he want for you both?
    Does he love you?

    Why are you letting him call all of the shots in your life? I think you might be better off single than in a part time relationship with someone who doesn't seem to care as much as you do.


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    #34
    Purple Mountain
    Registered Users Posts: 13,028 ✭✭✭✭Purple Mountain


    Yea, op, it seems to me that when this started you were either happy to go along with this or else you hoped your OH would change.
    He however doesn't seem to want to change.
    Neither of you are wrong, you just now want different things.
    So you either need to have a very serious and honest conversation with him telling him exactly how you feel or else bite the bullet and let him go.
    Otherwise, this will go on for years to come.

    To thine own self be true



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    #35
    redfox123
    Registered Users Posts: 208 ✭✭redfox123


    If you were honest with yourself OP you would like a partner who builds a future with you and plans on moving in with you in that future. That’s not needy, it’s not asking too much it doesn’t mean you’re not independent, it basically means you hold some value on your own life and time, which is the basic you should have. You are not a pastime. You’re not a companion who is always available for when he has a spare few hours left.
    He has not even nearly hinted at any kind of future. I feel from your posts you believe if you give up on him it will have been 4 years wasted and it means you will be completely alone, and a small bit of spare time from this man is better than being alone all the time. But that’s not true because you are not happy with it, and it won’t change. you want someone to share you life with, no you don’t have to be together all the time but someone who has a desire to commit and make your lives together a priority. Not someone who makes you feel so unimportant.

    Why did you not bring up the question of you two living together? I think because you know deep down he does not want this. I would either just finish it with him or tell him how you really feel that after this long the relationship has no direction or purpose and the thought of things still being the same in ten years time deeply depresses you.


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    #36
    happyday
    Registered Users Posts: 1,323 ✭✭✭happyday


    He's happy to see you whenever you want.

    Really? I'd be so insulted at this. Like you should be happy with that and what more do you want from him?

    What do you want OP? Would you like to be a couple in a committed relationship, living together and sharing your lives? Would you like to be loved? Would you like to be his number one priority? Would you like to get married?

    Or would you like to live apart but to see each other more often and do more things together?

    No one here has all the answers or even the full picture but I think you need to have a good chat with yourself first and see exactly what you want and where you would like this to go. And then see if what you have with him matches up to this.

    Then you will know what you need to do. Continue as you are or move on with your life without him.


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    #37
    Katgurl
    Registered Users Posts: 2,143 ✭✭✭Katgurl


    OP I would either leave this relationship completely or change status to 'someone you are seeing' while you shop around for a real partner (not sure how realistic the latter is given you've mentioned you love him.)

    You are wasting your time, bottom line. He is not committing to you, you should reciprocate similarly.


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    #38
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Katgurl wrote: »
    OP I would either leave this relationship completely or change status to 'someone you are seeing' while you shop around for a real partner (not sure how realistic the latter is given you've mentioned you love him.)

    You are wasting your time, bottom line. He is not committing to you, you should reciprocate similarly.


    I think that sums it up really, "someone I am seeing", as it hasn't really progressed after all these years and due to our living circumstances now I can't see it happening either. Since I initiated the chat, things have returned to normal and he hasn't mentioned it since.

    I've just read this thread again and you've all given me food for thought. As I said already, besides this, everything is okay between us really but I find lately I'm becoming a little bit bored of just doing the same things - I'm feeling the relationship feels a little bit superficial, if that makes sense.


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    #39
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP here again. Re the family he moved closer to, recently he said to me he thinks and they think I don't like them because I haven't spent much time with them this year.

    For one, I haven't spent much time with anyone this year because of Covid. Secondly, we see less of each other now because of this move anyway, but I haven't gone out of my way to avoid them. He's asked me to visit them more regularly with him.

    I know I will never live in this house anyway because I'd absolutely no input into it, but this is another reason and it upset me when he said this about them.


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    #40
    happyday
    Registered Users Posts: 1,323 ✭✭✭happyday


    Hi OP. It sounds like things haven't changed much. That wasn't nice to hear and it's hard to understand how they expected you to visit them in the last months. Do you like them? It's sounds like both they and your partner want things all their own way.


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    #41
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,778 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Why are you still "with" him? Honest question. And think about the answer. What are you getting from the relationship? It seems everything is his way and every compromise is made by you.

    You know that you are entitled to be considered and a priority. You are entitled to say you are not happy with the situation and can't see how you will be happy with it. You are being held back in this pseudo-relationship and the longer you stay in it the longer you will be lonely.

    Do you want to live the rest of your life lonely?


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    #42
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    happyday wrote: »
    Do you like them? It's sounds like both they and your partner want things all their own way.

    A different perspective.

    OP, he probably cares for you a lot, but its not likely love.

    Everybody in the relationship realises he is more fond of his family than you. Harsh, but there it is.

    From your last post you don't seem to reciprocate in travelling to meet him. Covid isn't an issue, because if you are close to him each week you are effectively exposed to his close family anyway.

    This man by what he has not said, and definitely by his actions has proven his family mean more. It was the case two years ago, and certainly now when your relationship has petered out to a once a week booty call.

    But, the two of ye are in this together. If the current arrangements are what he has to offer, expecting more IS unreasonable. Its for you to accept or not whats on offer.

    You accepting the current relationship or ending it are valid options, but so is what the man is doing. But, you only have control over your own actions.

    Good luck.


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    #43
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,778 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Can I ask, have you ever actually voiced any of your feelings to him? Have you ever told him how you feel. In a way that he hears you and understands you?

    You just seem very very passive in all of this. And like you're still with him because "having a boyfriend" is better than being single. Even if you don't really "have" a boyfriend.

    Do you want a relationship? A proper adult relationship? If so then you need to talk to him. Openly and honestly. And come what may. It might mean changes to your relationship (although if changes are to happen it will be you doing the compromising!) or it might mean you break up and move on. You may or may not meet someone else, but could that be any worse than what you have now?

    Otherwise you'll be back here every few months wondering what's happening.

    The thing with his family is irrelevant. I wonder are they hinting at him that HE'S not seeing as much of you, rather than them? Or maybe they are as unaware as he is and think the world revolves around them. Either way, your issue is with him. Anything else is peripheral and not particularly relevant.


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    #44
    Tork
    Registered Users Posts: 3,270 ✭✭✭Tork


    OP, you have two choices here. You can either stand on the sidelines of your life, wringing your hands, making the odd ineffective whimpering noise and letting this man run your life. Or you pull on your big girl pants and take control of your life for a change. Which one is it going to be?

    Your update changes nothing, only to add another item to your list of grievances. This is a list that has been mounting over time and you've been ignoring. Why? You don't have to give us the answer here but I hope you're being honest with yourself here. You sound like a woman with low self-esteem who is terrified of being single. Maybe you struggled throughout your life to meet anybody. Now that you're in your late 40s, you see this man as your only chance to avoid ending your days as an old lady with cats. Though the way this relationship is going, you'll probably end up with those cats anyway while he continues to live where he is. He has demonstrated repeatedly that you are not all that important to him. He probably enjoys your company in a part-time sort of way and that he has some regular sex when you come to visit. After that, you're out of sight, out of mind. It's quite sad that you value yourself so little.


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    #45
    rainbowtrout
    Registered Users Posts: 15,381 ✭✭✭✭rainbowtrout


    Girltechnology wrote: »
    OP here again. Re the family he moved closer to, recently he said to me he thinks and they think I don't like them because I haven't spent much time with them this year.

    For one, I haven't spent much time with anyone this year because of Covid. Secondly, we see less of each other now because of this move anyway, but I haven't gone out of my way to avoid them. He's asked me to visit them more regularly with him.

    I know I will never live in this house anyway because I'd absolutely no input into it, but this is another reason and it upset me when he said this about them.

    Or, the family he's close to said 'What's the story with Mary, we haven't seen her in a long time, are you still seeing her?' and that has translated slightly differently when he told you.

    People haven't seen a lot of other people for nearly six months now. I've only seen my own mother once since Christmas because of covid.

    Anyway, why would they say something as odd as 'she mustn't like us when we haven't seen her in ages'. You said yourself you only see him once a week over the last two years, so they must have noticed before now that you weren't around as often. And he moved to be near them away from you. Regardless of their input into his situation they must have noticed that too.

    Chances are you came up in conversation for one reason or another and they asked what the story was and he gave them some bull**** answer. Actually he could have said, she doesn't really like visiting and prefers if I call to her, which implies that you are the one that doesn't want to call on him and by extension them.


    But to echo everyone else, what exactly are you getting out of this? It's nothing more than friends with benefits for him. If you continue, this time next year you will be in the exact same position. Is that what you want?

    There are questions that need to be asked and if they are ones you are reluctant to ask, it's often because you will get an answer you don't like and deep down you know this. Change is hard, but often it's for the better. You're not happy because this guy is not giving you what you want, that's not going to change.


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    #46
    Jed and Dave
    Registered Users Posts: 67 ✭✭Jed and Dave


    Hi OP
    just a comment from personal experience, ive been here - you deserve to be a priority in your significant others life and plans, this is not going to do your self esteem any good in the long run. bit the bullet and meet someone who wants you to be at the centre of their universe.


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