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I feel I'm not a priority in my relationship - can it last?

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  • 22-06-2020 7:22am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I'm with my boyfriend 4 years. We're both late 40s. We used to live in the same village. After 2 years together, family members of his moved from our village to another town an hour away. To cut a long story short, my boyfriend missed them so much he decided to move also. They are a couple with 4 kids. I was really surprised and a bit upset when he told me he'd decided to move, but he's no commitments to me so that's his right. A lot of the times we only see each other for 1 night a week now due to the distance between us.

    Now I've come to realise that he's so content spending most of his time with them. During lockdown it was every day. They do a lot of things together.

    I feel they're the central part of his life, his priority, happy to see them all of the time and me some of the time.

    Saying that, I'm an independent person, not needy, have my own little cottage, but am finding this difficult at times. Things are fine otherwise in the relationship but this has put a dampener on things for me.

    Am I reasonable to be feeling this way?


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    #2
    ronivek
    Registered Users Posts: 1,916 ✭✭✭ronivek


    It is absolutely reasonable to feel the way you do about the situation.

    Did he discuss it with you at all at the time or did he just inform you he had made his decision and that was that? Were you living together at the time or at any stage?


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    #3
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    There wasn't really time to discuss it. He hadn't even planned on moving but, without giving all the details, he had to make a quick decision. He just said he didn't want it to affect our relationship.

    We've never lived together, no talk of it in the future. Anyway, it's not a place I would like to or that would suit me to live, for various reasons.


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    #4
    Tork
    Registered Users Posts: 3,270 ✭✭✭Tork


    I'm not sure the two of you are in the same relationship at all. Moving away like this was a huge step to take and a clear signal that you weren't a priority in his life. What did you say to him at the time? Was there any sort of discussion at all? After 2 years together at the time, the logical step might have been for the pair of you to move in together not for him to move away. I'd love more detail on what you said and did at the time. Did he ask you to move with him?

    How on earth can things be mostly fine when you're now a part time girlfriend? Have you had any sort of discussion with him about how he feels about the relationship now that it has gone backwards?


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    #5
    Tork
    Registered Users Posts: 3,270 ✭✭✭Tork


    Girltechnology wrote: »
    There wasn't really time to discuss it. He hadn't even planned on moving but, without giving all the details, he had to make a quick decision. He just said he didn't want it to affect our relationship.

    We've never lived together, no talk of it in the future. Anyway, it's not a place I would like to or that would suit me to live, for various reasons.

    Sorry to be harsh here but I think you're being made a fool of. This guy decided to prioritise his family over his girlfriend and made a huge decision which would affect his relationship profoundly. How could it not? I get the impression that he more or less announced that he was off and you were left standing on the sidelines. He has demonstrated in the two years since that you're not important. Yet you're still going along with this, even though it's going nowhere. Why? Are you afraid of being single?

    Do the pair of you ever have proper conversations? I'm getting a sense that you don't really talk about the important things that are going on here. You've said you've not talked about the future. After 4 years, 2 years of which have been long-distance, I think you're entitled to be asking questions about where this is going. I think you're afraid to ask because you won't like the answers. That is, if he is honest. He has the best of both worlds here. He has his relatives to spend time with (filling a void that in his life that you weren't fulfilling?) and you for a bit of a diversion one night a week. Maybe he likes it that way - an almost commitment free relationship with a bit of regular sex thrown in. That isn't a proper relationship in any meaningful sense of the word.


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    #6
    hairyprincess
    Registered Users Posts: 2,293 ✭✭✭hairyprincess


    Were they his children who moved?


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    #7
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    No, neither of us have children.

    Tork, you've hit the nail on the head in all you've said.


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    #8
    redfox123
    Registered Users Posts: 208 ✭✭redfox123


    This is very strange I don’t get from your OP who exactly are these children and who is the couple? Why would he follow them when they move and spends all his time with another couple and their kids? If they are his kids, who is the couple?
    Either way this arrangement is going nowhere for you, you are just a (very) part time girlfriend who gets a few hours now and again when he is away from his pseudo family. Break it off with him, don’t be afraid of being single it’s far better than this sham.


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    #9
    bitofabind
    Registered Users Posts: 939 ✭✭✭bitofabind


    It seems like at the point where most relationships are progressing, yours took a step in the other direction when your boyfriend took the decision to move away from you. Not many people would feel happy or secure with that.

    Have you had any discussions about where you both see the relationship going? Four years is a long time to have no real forward movement. Do you want to live together eventually, maybe get married, live a more integrated life?


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    #10
    Xterminator
    Registered Users Posts: 4,718 ✭✭✭Xterminator


    Hi Op

    i would ask what your long term aims for this relationship are? What are his long term goals? Are the 2 sets of goals compatible?

    have you sat down and talked about this stuff? if your both looking for casual companionship then perhaps this is a blip you can get by. If this is supposed to lead to a committed living together relationship then i think you are in big trouble as a couple.

    It is probably time for you to take stock here, and see if this relationship is meeting your needs, and if you think it has a future. Then when you know your own mind, I'd suggest a solemn heart to heart with your partner.


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    #11
    Mrs OBumble
    Registered Users Posts: 25,724 ✭✭✭✭Mrs OBumble


    You are not a girlfriend in any sense of the word.

    If it suits you to be in a cash-free sexual exchange, then work away.

    But if you want more, you need to look elsewhere.


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    #12
    Emme
    Registered Users Posts: 4,055 ✭✭✭Emme


    OP did you post about him some time ago buying a house and not letting you get involved? If so your relationship was over then. I might have said to you (if it was you) that he was stringing you along until he found somebody he wanted to be serious with or he was happy on his own with the occasional bit of no strings sex thrown in. He's been using you ever since he moved and as long as you're willing to put up with crumbs he'll keep throwing on the ground for you to lap up.

    It's not easy but pick yourself up and move on Don't entertain him when he comes back to your area.


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    #13
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    We have never really had a discussion at all about the future. I tried to bring our situation up with him recently, that I felt I wasn't a priority, that he'd moved away to be nearer to them. His only response was "I don't know what to say". I feel he should have said something about our relationship and how it was also important to him.

    I find this all difficult because when we do spend time together we get on and he treats me well. I feel though we're at an impasse and don't know how it can be overcome.


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    #14
    happyday
    Registered Users Posts: 1,323 ✭✭✭happyday


    Hi OP. I suppose really what it comes down to is is a visit once a week from a boyfriend of four years enough for you? He treats you well one day a week. Is that good enough? You are not being treated as an equal here. But if you are willing to put up with it then that's your decision.

    It seems very strange to me that his commitment is to another family and their children.


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    #15
    Tork
    Registered Users Posts: 3,270 ✭✭✭Tork


    Girltechnology wrote: »
    I was really surprised and a bit upset when he told me he'd decided to move, but he's no commitments to me so that's his right.

    So why did you feel after a 2 year relationship that there was no commitment there? There are many couples who are getting engaged or having children or preparing to buy a home together 2 years in. Yet you felt all you could do was stand by and watch your so-called boyfriend move his whole life for some family members he couldn't live without.

    I'm surprised you've put up with this for 2 years. By making that decision without consulting you, he was telling you a lot of things you ignored. He was telling you that you weren't as important as his brother/sister, nieces and nephews*. That he could make huge decisions without including you in them and not give your feelings any consideration. That your relationship wasn't fulfilling enough for him and that it wasn't filling an emotional hole in his life.

    You sound very passive and willing to accept treatment no right-thinking woman would. You should've taken the hint 2 years ago and ended this. That 2 years on you're still wondering can this work says a lot about your mindset and self-confidence. I can't see how much difference breaking up with this man would make to your life considering how rarely you actually see him. He's living an hour away and playing happy families with kids that aren't his. I bet you don't cross his mind as much as he crosses yours. Wake up and smell the coffee hun. You're being used.


    * This is a guess


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    #16
    Aseth
    Registered Users Posts: 421 ✭✭Aseth


    Girltechnology wrote: »
    I'm with my boyfriend 4 years. (...) I was really surprised and a bit upset when he told me he'd decided to move, but he's no commitments to me so that's his right.

    (...)we get on and he treats me well

    Tork actually summed it all up in his posts, really.
    I will just ad that you being in a relationship for 4 yrs and saying your bf has no commitments is quite shocking. About 2yrs in you should already know if you want to spend your life together(whether married or not), or have a house. Either you are too afraid to ask some serious questions about the 2 of you or your bf is in a very cosy space, where he can do whatever and you will still be around no matter what happens. Possibly both.

    I reread your original post and maybe he feels like he is missing out on having his own children and therefore is so involved with his family kids. You are late 40s so for you the only option is adoption(or maybe, but I'm not a doctor, in vitro?). Anyways it wouldn't be easy. But he at least owes you an honest answer so I think you two should have a conversation about what you want from this relationship.


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    #17
    Emme
    Registered Users Posts: 4,055 ✭✭✭Emme


    Aseth wrote: »
    I reread your original post and maybe he feels like he is missing out on having his own children and therefore is so involved with his family kids. You are late 40s so for you the only option is adoption(or maybe, but I'm not a doctor, in vitro?). Anyways it wouldn't be easy. But he at least owes you an honest answer so I think you two should have a conversation about what you want from this relationship.

    From what the OP said he's not Dad material. If he can't make up his mind to commit to her it's unlikely he'd be able to commit to children of his own. A lot of older men have children with much younger women as an ego boost. They do very little caring for the children, just trot them out every now and then as proof of their virility at an advanced age, particularly if the children are boys.

    Eitherways the OP is being made a fool of. She should not stick around as a stopgap if he is looking for a brood mare.


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    #18
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,961 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    Emme wrote: »
    From what the OP said he's not Dad material. If he can't make up his mind to commit to her it's unlikely he'd be able to commit to children of his own. A lot of older men have children with much younger women as an ego boost. They do very little caring for the children, just trot them out every now and then as proof of their virility at an advanced age, particularly if the children are boys.

    There are plenty of men out there who's circumstances have lead them to have children later in life and they are fantastic dads. Your age doesn't determine the type of parent you will be, your personality does.

    OP, you must have been so hurt when he moved away. Did you talk about it at the time? Do you think it's his way or no way a lot?


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    #19
    Aseth
    Registered Users Posts: 421 ✭✭Aseth


    Emme wrote: »
    From what the OP said he's not Dad material.

    But we are not judging his ability to be(or not) a good dad. He might feel like he is missing out and that might result in that type of behaviour.
    Anyway we can be only guessing but there is really only one way to find out.


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    #20
    Emme
    Registered Users Posts: 4,055 ✭✭✭Emme


    Aseth wrote: »
    But we are not judging his ability to be(or not) a good dad. He might feel like he is missing out and that might result in that type of behaviour.
    Anyway we can be only guessing but there is really only one way to find out.

    The OP is in her late 40s. Suggesting that he spending time with children because he has missed out on having them (he hasn't, he's a man, he can do it any time he wants) won't help the OP.


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    #21
    Tork
    Registered Users Posts: 3,270 ✭✭✭Tork


    It's likely that your boyfriend doesn't want anything more than a part-time girlfriend. I have a friend a few years older than your boyfriend who currently has a part-time set-up. He has mostly lived on his own for years despite having a couple of relationships in that time. He really values his own space and is open about that. Before Covid-19, his friend used to come to his place at weekends and then they'd rarely see each other during the week. They go on holidays together too which he likes. We've had several conversations about her because she really annoys him at times but he can't keep away from her. I think he's leading her up the garden path a bit and using her for companionship but that's their issue to deal with. He likes her well enough and I'm sure he's very nice to her when she comes around. He enjoys their weekends together but is glad when Sunday night comes around and she goes home. He says he has a friend who has the same sort of thing going with a different lady. The point I'm making is that there are men out there who don't want a full-blown relationship. It's probably no coincidence that my friend and his mate are around the same age and are a bit set in their ways or in no rush to settle down again.

    The reason your boyfriend didn't know what to say is because he can't explain this away without letting the cat out of the bag. Something tells me he is very happy with the current set-up. Let's not forget he instigated all of this. He lives near these family members who are important to him, he has you for a bit of a distraction and his life is nice and uncomplicated and on his terms. You should read everything into what he didn't say when you tried to have this conversation with him. I suppose it's good that he didn't try to bull**** you by saying the relationship was important to him when it demonstrably isn't. Not being able to have conversations like this is a huge red flag in my book. It suggests the relationship is one-sided and that you don't feel confident or comfortable enough to talk to him properly. That is one more reason why you should cut your losses and leave him be. Unless you want to be a part-time girlfriend?


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    #22
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,789 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Are you happy in the relationship? Is it suiting you at the moment? Are you getting what you want from it/him?

    If you are, then carry on.
    If you're not, let him know. It will probably mean the end if the relationship because he is unlikely to move back. But you're not really in a relationship as it is. You're on standby.

    If you freed yourself from this you would either be happier alone, or free to maybe meet someone else.


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    #23
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,789 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    By the way, you ask "can it last?". I would say that is entirely dependent on you. It sounds like he has the perfect setup for himself. So he will happily go along like this for as long as you go along with it.


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    #24
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 1,007 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Girltechnology wrote: »
    We have never really had a discussion at all about the future. I tried to bring our situation up with him recently, that I felt I wasn't a priority, that he'd moved away to be nearer to them. His only response was "I don't know what to say". I feel he should have said something about our relationship and how it was also important to him.
    Tork wrote: »
    The reason your boyfriend didn't know what to say is because he can't explain this away without letting the cat out of the bag.

    Bingo! "I don't know what to say ... because you're making a fair point but I have no intention of admitting that. You are not my priority and I don't want anything to change so I'll say no more on the subject."


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    #25
    JeffKenna
    Registered Users Posts: 4,523 ✭✭✭JeffKenna


    I was in a relationship similar to this. I felt lonely the whole time. Just leave, life is too short to be treated as a part time girlfriend with no true intimacy (apologies if there is some projection from my side!).


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    #26
    Purple Mountain
    Registered Users Posts: 13,048 ✭✭✭✭Purple Mountain


    Tork, I'd just like to add.. If your friend's female companion is happy with this set up, then it's their business. Just because it's unorthodox to a lot doesn't mean it can't work for two consenting people.
    So the OP, needs to clarify if this part time arrangement is what she signed up for and if she has communicated to her male friend that she is no longer happy with it.

    To thine own self be true



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    #27
    Tork
    Registered Users Posts: 3,270 ✭✭✭Tork


    Purple Mountain wrote: »
    Tork, I'd just like to add.. If your friend's female companion is happy with this set up, then it's their business. Just because it's unorthodox to a lot doesn't mean it can't work for two consenting people.
    So the OP, needs to clarify if this part time arrangement is what she signed up for and if she has communicated to her male friend that she is no longer happy with it.

    I understand what you're saying but I deliberately omitted some of the details for privacy reasons. If you had the extra information, you might see it differently. But as you correctly pointed out, it's between them and maybe she is as happy as he is :) The reason I outlined the situation was to tell the OP that there are people out there who don't want a full blown relationship.


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    #28
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thanks for all your replies. For those who mentioned children, that isn't a factor in all of this.

    My emotions are all over the place today really. He visited me yesterday as I'd mentioned last week that I felt we needed to have a chat. So I said I've felt things are fizzling out a bit the last couple of weeks, that I found it tough especially during lockdown when he was reporting back to me what he was doing with this family when I was on my own for over 2 months. He said just because he spends a lot of time with them doesn't mean he's lost interest in me. Even though I've said this before when he was moving initially, I asked him to put himself in my shoes, how he'd feel if I moved to be closer to family, and he can see where I'm coming from. I've said they are his priority, the central part of his life now, our relationship I feel is only a small part. He said sure he's known one of them his whole life and that he's happy to see me whenever I want.

    Overall, he's not one for talking about his emotions. He's never told me he loves me, I don't know how unusual this is. I told him I loved him after about a year and he replied that he's not great at expressing how he feels, so I've never said it again.

    We do enjoy each other's company when together, I'm not necessarily pushing for the next step, but I actually feel now that they and him come as a unit. I remember when he told other family members and friends that he was moving initially, they asked him how I felt about it.

    This morning I feel that he feels he's reassured me that I am important to him and I should be feeling happier; however my gut is telling me that I'm not feeling on top of the world still.


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    #29
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,961 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    How did you feel when he said he wasn't good at expressing his feelings after you told him you loved him?


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    #30
    Emme
    Registered Users Posts: 4,055 ✭✭✭Emme


    Girltechnology wrote: »
    This morning I feel that he feels he's reassured me that I am important to him and I should be feeling happier; however my gut is telling me that I'm not feeling on top of the world still.

    Listen to your gut and don't let him fob you off again. He'll keep fobbing you off because you've been happy to accept crumbs from him so far. If that's what you want fair enough, continue with him, but if your gut is telling you it's wrong you should listen to it.

    My advice is stop selling yourself short and don't let this man take you for a fool any longer. His priority is this family, not you.


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    #31
    Tork
    Registered Users Posts: 3,270 ✭✭✭Tork


    This guy said a lot but it's what he didn't say that you need to pay attention to. He has never told you he loves you. He hasn't offered any solutions to this problem, apart from a wishy washy "You can see me any time you want". In other words, carry on as you were. You're still living where you are and you're still playing second fiddle to him and his family.

    Yet again, you're coming across as incredibly passive. Despite the noises you make about being independent and having your own place, you've put your life on standby for this man. You don't have a relationship that's going anywhere, you're with somebody who refuses to say he loves you and you're letting him call all the shots. Yet again, you (collectively) have demonstrated an inability to have a proper conversation on an emotional level. I'd say he's mostly glad he managed to bat away the proper conversation that needs to be had about this. You didn't have it and you know it.

    Your gut is screaming at you with this one. Isn't it time to listen to it?


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