Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie

Husbands affair has left me devastated

Options
  • 08-07-2020 10:47pm
    #1
    SuzyHomemaker
    Registered Users Posts: 3 ✭


    I am a long time user of this site but I have never posted before, so here goes.

    I have been dipping in on a regular basis to see if anyone has had a similar experience to me but nothing seems to fit.

    I’m in my 40’s and we’ve been together for over 20 years. We have 3 kids. We have built up an incredible life all by ourselves throughout our time together. We have always been a great team and have always been admired by our friends and family as a rock solid relationship. About 3 years ago we finally reached a place that I thought brought us to where we had always wanted to be.

    However, since then my husband became increasingly arrogant and selfish, something that would have been totally out of character for him. I have always been on the backseat to his life so anytime I tried to challenge his behaviour he would have denied and dismissed it and made me feel like I was too needy. I tended to allow this to happen and while it made me feel bad, I hardly ever addressed it.

    So increasingly I let things go. I always gave him a lot of freedom and I was the so called ‘perfect’ wife. I gave up my career so his business could grow and expand. I helped him with my expertise in certain areas that contributed to him dominating in his field. I keep a meticulous home, am a loving mother and a great cook. I am very sociable and dependable. He frequently praised my abilities in front of me to others. We had an active sex life (even during his affair!). We are very comfortable financially and had a great social life. He is very generous and we are both well liked. I thought I had the perfect marriage and the perfect life. I was so proud of my husband and thought my marriage was invincible.

    I was so wrong. My husband cheated on me with my friend. They met for sex a couple of times and frequently kissed in my house when she would be here (she would stay late, I thought to be with me!) I finally caught them after a month of fooling around. I had a couple of niggling feelings and when I caught them I knew what I was walking into. I was able to guess when it started and he was truly shocked by this. Initially he denied everything but then started to make admissions after I had heard from her husband. I wish I had listened to those thoughts in my head.

    This was 7 months ago and he has admitted to it all since. He claims that she started it and that he liked it and they kept it going. Most of the time it was opportunistic when we would all be around each other.

    It is unimaginable the grieve that has befallen me. I am utterly heartbroken. He is all I have known for all my adult life. I am still so depressed and cry at least 2 out of 7 days.

    We are in counselling since the beginning and initially I really felt positive but now I think that was a misplaced anger against my friend and my desire to show her we were ok. She wanted to leave her husband for mine in the early days. That backfired when he had no interest and was devastated by what he had done. He has been thoroughly remorseful since I found out and is trying so hard to support me and make me feel better.

    The trouble is I don’t think I will ever love him again. Not in the way I have felt before for him and I’m not sure I want to stay. All I ever showed him was love and support and did everything I thought he wanted. The other woman was nothing like me. He even talked negatively about her to me before and after he started seeing her. I feel so low that he didn’t even consider me once in all of this. It was all so easy for him to do, even flirting with her in front of me.

    I just don’t think I can get passed this and feel as though I am staying for the children and trying to cling onto the last glimmer of my past. Not to mention the fact that I’m terrified for my future, either with him or without. I feel that he doesn’t deserve anymore sacrifices from me and that I should want better for myself.

    I’m sorry this has gotten so long. I guess I just want to hear someone else’s similar story and also let the rest of you know that this can truly happen to anyone, even ‘happily’ married couples. ALWAYS trust your instincts. I wish I had and that I had stuck up for myself more.


«1

Comments

  • Options
    #2
    Porklife
    Registered Users Posts: 1,681 ✭✭✭Porklife


    My heart absolutely breaks for you OP. I just want to give you the biggest hug. What happened was, is and always will be truly devastating, however your future doesn't have to be. This will make you stronger believe it or not and you will get through it. I would advise leaving. You mentioned being financially secure so at least that's something to work with. How old are your 3 children, do they know what happened?
    Unbelievably cruel behaviour and my heart really goes out to you.


  • Options
    #3
    SuzyHomemaker
    Registered Users Posts: 3 ✭SuzyHomemaker


    Thank you for your reply Porklife. The empathy is much appreciated.

    My kids are 14, 9 and 5. The eldest knows because she figured it out and knows who it was with. She is having counselling too. She wants us to stay together of course and all she sees is him bending over backwards to be nice to me. The middle child is very sensitive and he’s always asking if I’m ok. He knows something up but doesn’t know what. My youngest is oblivious!

    He’s a great dad and they of course love him to bits and have only ever seen us happy together. It’s so confusing for everyone right now and so hard to see a solution where everyone gets something out of it.

    I am so torn as I still have feelings for him but I am so unsure of myself. How anyone gets through this is beyond me....


  • Options
    #4
    Xterminator
    Registered Users Posts: 4,718 ✭✭✭Xterminator


    Please give yourself plenty of time, and dont be hard on yourself. Allo the counselling process to run its course, and then take stock.

    “Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that mother ****er's reflection.”

    Pop culture quote above, but the point is are you trying to have things exactly as they were? Should you aim to get to a point where you can continue the relationship and you are satisfied to move on from where you are and rebuild.


  • Options
    #5
    KiKi III
    Registered Users Posts: 2,653 ✭✭✭KiKi III


    I’ve never been married so I can’t speak to what you’re going through in that regard, but you have my sympathy.

    I am the child of parents who stayed together “for the kids” though, and I wouldn’t recommend it.

    Up until they were in their 50s I always thought my parents should split up and find people they would be happier with. Now that they’re in their 60s and seem to have decided to live out their days together, I think fair enough - but you’re still so young to be making a decision like that.


  • Options
    #6
    ManOfMystery
    Registered Users Posts: 2,394 ✭✭✭ManOfMystery


    Hi OP,

    My sympathies for what you're going through currently, it's never nice being the innocent party in such a situation and having to deal with the impact of being betrayed by your partner. And that the fact that it was with your 'friend' just compounds the hurt.

    I don't want to use a cliche like "Time is a great healer", but what I would say is that if your husband is truly remorseful, don't make any rush decisions yet. Some marriages end over affairs, others come back even strongers and the trust is rebuilt - though it takes work from both sides, especially the one who broke the trust. Allow yourself time to deal with the feelings from this and allow yourself time to decide if you want to continue your marriage, and if you think you can reach a place where you can trust your husband again.

    I note throughout your post that there is a strong sense of implying you had this picture perfect marriage - as if there are a lot of boxes which make a happy marriage (trust / children / financial security / sex / etc) and you felt you had ticked them all. Projecting a family image which was like something from a film or magazine where everyone is secure and happy and loving life. Is it possible your husband had a very different perception of things, and perhaps this is why he didn't walk away from an affair instead of embarking on one?

    Sometimes trying to maintain such an idyllic and 'perfect' life is a huge pressure in itself. In my own experience, we are all human and all prone to making mistakes and bad judgement calls. And beyond that, life itself can often throw unexpected things at us - financial, emotional, health, and so on. And for that reason, I feel you can certainly aim to tick a lot of these boxes but it's futile to try and consistently believe in a 100% perfect life, setting yourself up for more disappointment when some negative event eventually occurs. Expect that life will have bumps in the road, some big and some small, and there will be times that you have to choose to navigate past these bumps or turn around.


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #7
    jelly&icecream
    Registered Users Posts: 477 ✭✭jelly&icecream


    You poor thing. There's no right or wrong answer for what you should do but I think sticking together just for the kids sake is a tough road to go down.

    If you eldest daughter was in a relationship 10+ years down the line where her partner acted similarly to your husband would you be happy for her to stick in the relationship even though she wasn't happy? These patterns are often repeated through the generations.

    The red flag to me is that your husband had been deflecting blame into the other woman to try and diminish his own responsibility. She is undoubtedly a piece of work but he is the one you're married to and he is the one that cheated on you.


  • Options
    #8
    jelly&icecream
    Registered Users Posts: 477 ✭✭jelly&icecream


    .


  • Options
    #9
    rainbowtrout
    Registered Users Posts: 15,381 ✭✭✭✭rainbowtrout


    SuzyHomemaker wrote: »

    However, since then my husband became increasingly arrogant and selfish, something that would have been totally out of character for him. I have always been on the backseat to his life so anytime I tried to challenge his behaviour he would have denied and dismissed it and made me feel like I was too needy. I tended to allow this to happen and while it made me feel bad, I hardly ever addressed it.

    I know the focus of your post is on your husband's affair and the fall out from that, but what happened three years ago to cause this change in his personality? Because this is also an issue and if you do stay together in the long run it's something that needs to be addressed.


  • Options
    #10
    Goodigal
    Registered Users Posts: 456 ✭✭Goodigal


    So sorry to read your story OP. You have spent your whole life being the most dutiful wife and mother. And this has all been incredibly cruel to you - both from your husband and your friend. My husband had an affair (and fathered a child) and he sneaked out of our home on the day he delivered his news. You are in a totally different position in that you are trying to work things out. But I honestly don't know how you trust and love your husband again. He has been blatantly disrespectful to you. My heart goes out to you. It took me a year to recover from the revelations before I started to live again. And I kept going for the children too. But I really don't know how you see your future going if you try to stay together for the sake of the children. It's not going to be pleasant. That undercurrent of blame and disappointment and lack of trust could pervade your home and life for years. Choose wisely. I wish you well.


  • Options
    #11
    sallyanne12
    Registered Users Posts: 259 ✭✭sallyanne12


    Hi Suzy, I also wish I could give you a hug. I feel so sorry for you. Your post saddened my heart because although I know cheating is rampant unfortunately, it’s horrible to hear it also happens with seemingly perfect couples. Lots of people have had similar experiences unfortunately.
    Just a few questions to help me advise, what happened 3 years ago that you felt you were where you wanted to be? It doesn’t sounds like it’s where your husband wanted to be.
    You say you had a perfect marriage but when you elaborate it doesn’t sound perfect. He always made you feel needy when you challenged him and you say you felt bad. That doesn’t sound perfect. Also how did you find out about the cheating?
    What your husband did was truly awful. I know I could never forgive it. I just would never get over it. The fact he did it with your friend makes it so much worse. He disrespected you to the max. It’s really disgusting. Did you ask him why he did it? He said he liked it but why did he like it? What was he missing from you? I’m guessing he liked the excitement. Your friend is a horrible person and I hope you don’t still see her. How did she react when you found out? Did she show remorse? She cheated on you too.
    I believe he loves you and did it for the sex Not love. I reckon 90% of men would cheat if given the opportunity with someone they fancy. If he wanted the other woman he would have left you. I hope you can forgive him for your sake not for his. But I certainly couldn’t do it myself. Was the affair emotional? I’m guessing not... sex doesn’t mean as much to a lot of men and he could love you. I can’t stand my friends who say “oh Robert would NEVER cheat” it’s just naive. A lot of people are capable of cheating when it’s handed to them on a plate.
    Also is your “friend” good looking?
    Maybe he felt he’d never get caught because she was your friend and would never tell you herself...
    How have the past 7 months been with him?
    Good luck Suzy it’s painful to read your post and sorry for all my questions I’m just trying to analyse it all


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #12
    facehugger99
    Registered Users Posts: 7,229 ✭✭✭facehugger99


    sallyanne12 wrote: »
    I reckon 90% of men would cheat if given the opportunity with someone they fancy.

    :rolleyes:

    Some of the so-called 'advice' on this forum is a joke.


    Anywho, I would say - you either have to make a decision to forgive him or leave him. Either will be hard and there is no 'correct' answer, it's something you will need to figure out.


  • Options
    #13
    sallyanne12
    Registered Users Posts: 259 ✭✭sallyanne12


    facehugger99 wrote: »
    :rolleyes:

    Some of the so-called 'advice' on this forum is a joke.


    Anywho, I would say - you either have to make a decision to forgive him or leave him. Either will be hard and there is no 'correct' answer, it's something you will need to figure out.

    My figure is a joke because I’ve no idea exactly how many men would cheat but I know it would be a very high percentage. hire a stunning girl to attempt to seduce your partner and come back to me and say you still disagree...


  • Options
    #14
    listermint
    Registered Users Posts: 33,689 ✭✭✭✭listermint


    sallyanne12 wrote: »
    My figure is a joke because I’ve no idea exactly how many men would cheat but I know it would be a very high percentage. hire a stunning girl to attempt to seduce your partner and come back to me and say you still disagree...

    There isn't enough rolls eyes.


  • Options
    #15
    sallyanne12
    Registered Users Posts: 259 ✭✭sallyanne12


    listermint wrote: »
    There isn't enough rolls eyes.

    I guess you are one of the naive ones who think their partner would never cheat. Any man is capable of it as is apparent from the OP and her seemingly perfect husband. Its nature. Men are designed to want to sleep with lots of women. I don’t agree with cheating I am probably one of the people who feels most strongly against it but I know that it’s very hard for Most men to turn down a beautiful woman. Some do turn them down of course but a lot of times their brain isn’t doing the thinking. That’s all I’m saying. So sometimes it’s nothing to do with love


  • Options
    #16
    facehugger99
    Registered Users Posts: 7,229 ✭✭✭facehugger99


    sallyanne12 wrote: »
    hire a stunning girl to attempt to seduce your partner and come back to me and say you still disagree...

    I'm not sure how my wife will react to that but i'll let you know.


  • Options
    #17
    sallyanne12
    Registered Users Posts: 259 ✭✭sallyanne12


    facehugger99 wrote: »
    I'm not sure how my wife will react to that but i'll let you know.

    😂


  • Options
    #18
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    sallyanne12 wrote: »
    My figure is a joke because I’ve no idea exactly how many men would cheat but I know it would be a very high percentage. hire a stunning girl to attempt to seduce your partner and come back to me and say you still disagree...

    Absolutely ridiculous statement in fairness and no help to the OP, you might as well have told her she should expect unfaithfulness. You have a low opinion of straight men of you think they can't control themselves around an attractive woman. He made a choice to betray his wife and continued to put his gratification over his family, the friend is no better but it's not like he was helpless to resist


  • Options
    #19
    ManOfMystery
    Registered Users Posts: 2,394 ✭✭✭ManOfMystery


    sallyanne12 wrote: »
    My figure is a joke because I’ve no idea exactly how many men would cheat but I know it would be a very high percentage. hire a stunning girl to attempt to seduce your partner and come back to me and say you still disagree...

    To say that 90% of all men in the world would cheat on their partner is ridiculous, and also bordering on misandrist. Men and women both cheat.

    Methinks you've been reading all the horror stories on relationship/problem forums like this, which presents quite a distorted view of things. People don't post in these area when things are going good so you only ever hear the bad side of things. I go out regularly with a group of 7 male friends - all of us married - and whilst some have been approached by females on nights out or got talking to groups, it's never gone farther than that.


  • Options
    #20
    Tork
    Registered Users Posts: 3,270 ✭✭✭Tork


    Would deciding to keep an open mind on what to do next help at all? All of this is still quite recent and very raw. It'd be bad enough having to process your husband's betrayal, without having a so-called friend added to the mix. Dealing with a shock like this takes time and you aren't there yet. How could you be? There isn't any standard answer to how a couple deals with infidelity. I think that if you give this some time, the solution that is right for you will coalesce in your mind. If splitting from your husband is the action that feels the most right to you, there is nothing wrong with taking that road. It is no reflection on your success and failure as a person or as a wife.

    Thankfully I have no personal experience of growing up in a home with parents who didn't get along. One of my best friends has though and it is no advertisement for the "Staying together for the kids" option. All of the children from the marriage are still single in their 30s and 40s and haven't managed to find a happy or lasting relationship between the three of them. Already your children are being affected by what's going on. If you decide that living apart from their father is the best answer, you won't be failing them. To this day my friend wishes her parents had split up years before they did - it would've given them a happier home to live in.


  • Options
    #21
    181 liam
    Registered Users Posts: 4 ✭181 liam


    Life isnt simple. Of all couples ive seen split very few of them appeared better off. The decision will be clear sooner or later, some day a point will be reached when either stay or leave will be a comfortable decision for you. Ye have been a great success and your friend was jealous . Your husband as sallyanne says like most men was flattered when she showed interest and mens flaw and weak point was exposed he fell for it but he still loved you and his family.


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #22
    bitofabind
    Registered Users Posts: 939 ✭✭✭bitofabind


    Sorry for what you're going through OP. A quote I read recently that might resonate: "Sometimes you can do everything right in life and still lose." This was not something you ever could have pre-empted or prevented. It's entirely about your husband's lack of integrity, bad choices and the onus is on him now to earn your trust and love back again.

    What happens during your counselling sessions with him? Could something be happening there that's impacting on your emotions right now? It sounds like in the beginning you were in shock mode, adrenaline took over and you put this sensible plan in place. This type of betrayal represents a real loss to the life you previously had and like grief, it'll come in stages. Maybe this is your "hitting home" stage with it. It's a huge amount to take in - the double betrayal of two people you care about, it happening in your own home, your husband's lying and denial, having to manage your children's emotions around it.

    There's a lot to unpick during these counselling sessions and I think you really need to get to the bottom of a few things: what triggered this huge change in him three years ago? The seeming power play between you two, where he's had you on the "back seat" and has routinely dismissed your needs, that fact that he chose such a level of deceit and betrayal and crucially, the fact that he lied about it until he had no other choice. These are things he needs to dig deep to uncover and he owes you answers and reparation steps to salvage your trust if that's his intention. Perhaps you can work with your counsellor on these things?


  • Options
    #23
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,958 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    Mod Note

    Sallyanne12 generic sweeping statements are not welcome here and irrelevant to the advice the OP is seeking. Please do not use such generalisations again and take a look at the Charter before posting again.

    If you have any queries on this, please PM me or one of the mod team and do not discuss it on thread.

    Thanks

    Hannibal


  • Options
    #24
    strandroad
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,676 ✭✭✭strandroad


    A very sad story OP and I feel for you. What really strikes me here is the quadruple whammy:
    your husband
    with your friend
    under your roof
    with you present

    Kissing her literally behind your back, the thrill must have been mighty.

    It's not just the cheating, it's the fact that he chose to act so close to home and to break your trust on so many levels. How to have faith someone so callous again? I do wonder if it would be easier to process if he cheated on you by screwing someone on a business trip. Is it about the sex or about trust?


  • Options
    #25
    MrsBean
    Registered Users Posts: 312 ✭✭MrsBean


    The trouble is I don’t think I will ever love him again. Not in the way I have felt before for him and I’m not sure I want to stay.

    That's the key here. Things cannot and will not be like the way they were before. There's no glossing over something of this magnitude - tremors leave you shook but earthquakes cause structural damage.
    It brings up big issues that will need to be teased out and resolved through therapy/counselling/difficult conversations. Perhaps you don't want to work through it all with your husband, as you state you're not sure you want to stay. And that's ok. The thought of putting in all that effort and hard emotional work when you're the one who has been emotionally betrayed? The thought of it is exhausting.

    Give yourself a bit more time for the situation to truly 'land'. Maybe you will want to stay together for a couple of months or years and work through these issues with your husband, and that's ok too. Maybe that is 'for the kids' and as long as they are in a safe and comfortable environment I see no issue with that. If it's toxic then no. Maybe you can try to find something that works for your and your family. The important thing is that you put you and your children's emotional well-being ahead of anything else.

    It's great to hear of their strong relationship with their father and that he is a good dad to them. As you all work through this, perhaps your eldest will realise he can still be a good dad even if you live separately. Big life changes need careful management and plenty of 'notice period' for all involved. It sounds like you are doing the best you can given the circumstances and that you are seeking professional help for you and your kids. That's commendable and I encourage you to keep it up. I would recommend seeing a counsellor by yourself too, not just the couples counsellor.

    My advice would be not to make any rash decisions as that may cause further trauma for the kids. That's not to say you shouldn't leave if that's what you decide you want, but I believe if you do it shouldn't come as a surprise to your children.

    My empathy and best wishes to you OP, you will come out the other side of it.


  • Options
    #26
    qwerty13
    Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    “About 3 years ago we finally reached a place that I thought brought us to where we had always wanted to be. However, since then my husband became increasingly arrogant and selfish”

    What happened 3 years ago OP? It sounds like you had wildly different views of where your lives were at/ what you both wanted. Are you talking financially or relationship ‘where you wanted to be’?

    It sounds like he had an abrupt personality or attitude change 3 years ago. Or maybe it was always there, but came to the fore when a difference of opinion on ‘where you wanted to be’ emerged. Is there conflict between you dating from then? Not that that excuses him in any way.

    I guess I’m trying to think whether there are underlying problems going back to 3 years ago, or he had a (very bad) temporary moment (month) of madness. For me personally, that might lead to very different outcomes in terms of staying/leaving.


  • Options
    #27
    padser
    Registered Users Posts: 2,375 ✭✭✭padser


    SuzyHomemaker wrote: »
    I

    I always gave him a lot of freedom and I was the so called ‘perfect’ wife. I gave up my career so his business could grow and expand. I helped him with my expertise in certain areas that contributed to him dominating in his field. I keep a meticulous home, am a loving mother and a great cook. I am very sociable and dependable. .

    You really need to critically look at yourself. It might not be popular, but relationships are two way things and it's rare to come across someone with as little critical self reflection as you. You actually referred to yourself as the " perfect" wife.

    As long as you keep seeing yourself as a completely innocent victim who was perfect and had this done to you it will be very difficult to forgive your husband.

    Why would you forgive him? He is the pr1ck who cheated on his "perfect" wife!


  • Options
    #28
    sallyanne12
    Registered Users Posts: 259 ✭✭sallyanne12


    padser wrote: »
    You really need to critically look at yourself. It might not be popular, but relationships are two way things and it's rare to come across someone with as little critical self reflection as you. You actually referred to yourself as the " perfect" wife.
    Why would you forgive him? He is the pr1ck who cheated on his "perfect" wife!

    Very well said. I didn’t notice this until you said it. Nobody is perfect and OP should be more aware of her flaws or any issues


  • Options
    #29
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    sallyanne12 wrote: »
    Very well said. I didn’t notice this until you said it. Nobody is perfect and OP should be more aware of her flaws or any issues

    Really? What flaws justify a husband doing this?


  • Options
    #30
    sallyanne12
    Registered Users Posts: 259 ✭✭sallyanne12


    [Deleted User] wrote: »
    Really? What flaws justify a husband doing this?

    I never said it justifies the husband doing that. Nothing justifies the husband going behind her back to cheat. But she should be more aware of any flaws so she can improve herself. Thinking that she is perfect as a wife is bad for you as she would perhaps be stubborn in her thinking. Perhaps she dismissed any issues the husband had due to her own thinking she’s the perfect wife. Did the husband think she was the perfect wife? Who knows... important to always work on ourselves


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #31
    Katgurl
    Registered Users Posts: 2,143 ✭✭✭Katgurl


    Op this a truly awful betrayal.

    I think (like the death of a loved one) this sense of loss is just too hard to make sense of. Give yourself time. Time to decide what you're going to do. There is no shame in staying with him now but giving yourself permission to leave in a year, two, three years if you still aren't happy. Or leaving now to figure things out.

    I do sort of agree with the two previous posters however. You were not the perfect wife because nobody is perfect. This is not an excuse for his affair though! But if you are attending counselling you really need to be open to some self reflection.

    If you were too angry to bother though, I don't think anyone would blame you.


Advertisement