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Dating someone with sexual problem

  • 27-06-2020 12:42pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I didn't know how to phrase the title so sorry if it's not clear and sorry if it's not for discussion on this forum.

    I am a gay man and have been seeing a guy for a few months. I prefer to get to know someone pretty well before taking it to the next level and it only got sexual recently. We've fooled around a few times, but the first time we did I noticed a problem.

    He seems to have an issue with his penis. I've heard of it before and it's a condition called phimosis. His foreskin doesn't retract at all. When we were together I could see that he was conscious of it because he would always cover it with his hand whenever he could.

    I don't think it's an issue for me, only that I'm not sure how to address it or work around it. We've only fooled around lightly, but if we were to take things further I don't know how certain 'activities' would work for him. I'm happy to do whatever to make him feel comfortable but am clueless at how to go about doing that.

    I'm also worried about bringing it up with him because he clearly is aware that it's not normal and mentioning it may make him even more self conscious. I don't know if it's something that needs medical treatment (and I'm not here looking for medical advice), but maybe he has never talked about it before and discussing it might help.

    I really like him and don't want this to be something to get in the way of sexual enjoyment for either of us going forward and at the same time I don't want to scare him off.


Comments

  • #2
    leggo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    It’s a really good habit to get into to learn how to get direct about this stuff and address it head on. You don’t need to be insensitive or overly blunt like “sup with your dick though?” You can just give an abbreviated version of what you’ve said here, eg “I’ve noticed you got a bit self-conscious (give a specific example), is everything okay?” Then basically just say what you’ve told us re it not being an issue. Consider also that this is good news that he’ll likely welcome too if that helps you bringing it up, it’ll probably be music to his ears when you tell him you don’t see it as an issue for you and are happy to work through it with him.

    But yeah, you’ll notice a dramatic improvement in your sex life when you get chilled talking through these kind of things. Having that open, relaxed atmosphere around it opens the door to more fun topics too.


  • #3
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    leggo wrote: »
    It’s a really good habit to get into to learn how to get direct about this stuff and address it head on. You don’t need to be insensitive or overly blunt like “sup with your dick though?” You can just give an abbreviated version of what you’ve said here, eg “I’ve noticed you got a bit self-conscious (give a specific example), is everything okay?” Then basically just say what you’ve told us re it not being an issue. Consider also that this is good news that he’ll likely welcome too if that helps you bringing it up, it’ll probably be music to his ears when you tell him you don’t see it as an issue for you and are happy to work through it with him.

    But yeah, you’ll notice a dramatic improvement in your sex life when you get chilled talking through these kind of things. Having that open, relaxed atmosphere around it opens the door to more fun topics too.

    Thanks for the advice leggo. I appreciate this is a very unique situation and I figure that's why people are reluctant to reply.

    It's early days in the relationship, if you can call it that yet, so maybe I will wait until we get a bit more serious before bringing it up. I know if someone pointed out a fault of mine I would get very self concious of it, even if they were well meaning.

    Feel like I'm walking a tightrope and need to be very careful what I say. I have put my foot in it plenty of times before and I'm likely to do it again.


  • #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I had the same problem as the guy you are seeing. After some research, I got circumcised in a clinic in Malahide one afternoon. It was done so quickly and all those years of being worried about it and not getting it sorted out- I couldn't believe it was fixed so quickly. Never looked back since, it's much better than before.


  • #5
    ILoveYourVibes
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,202 ✭✭✭✭ILoveYourVibes


    clippityclop wrote: »
    I didn't know how to phrase the title so sorry if it's not clear and sorry if it's not for discussion on this forum.

    I am a gay man and have been seeing a guy for a few months. I prefer to get to know someone pretty well before taking it to the next level and it only got sexual recently. We've fooled around a few times, but the first time we did I noticed a problem.

    He seems to have an issue with his penis. I've heard of it before and it's a condition called phimosis. His foreskin doesn't retract at all. When we were together I could see that he was conscious of it because he would always cover it with his hand whenever he could.

    I don't think it's an issue for me, only that I'm not sure how to address it or work around it. We've only fooled around lightly, but if we were to take things further I don't know how certain 'activities' would work for him. I'm happy to do whatever to make him feel comfortable but am clueless at how to go about doing that.

    I'm also worried about bringing it up with him because he clearly is aware that it's not normal and mentioning it may make him even more self conscious. I don't know if it's something that needs medical treatment (and I'm not here looking for medical advice), but maybe he has never talked about it before and discussing it might help.

    I really like him and don't want this to be something to get in the way of sexual enjoyment for either of us going forward and at the same time I don't want to scare him off.


    There are creams you can get that soften the skin they are steroid based they make the skin stretch.

    Just tell him to go to a doctor. There is loads of at home treatment or clinical treatment without surgery etc. Alternatively there is circumcision if he is just fed up with it.


  • #6
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Talk to him OP but make sure when you do you aren't blushing or avoiding certain words. If you are clearly uncomfortable talking about it then he'll be even more uncomfortable. Be direct but not mean or cold. Start by saying how much you like him and are enjoying being with him and you want the relationship to work for both of you so you want to know what he likes/dislikes when it comes to sex, start by telling him what you enjoy and what you don't enjoy, just get the mood relaxed and comfortable so you can both be honest with each other.


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  • #7
    YellowBucket
    Closed Accounts Posts: 491 ✭✭YellowBucket


    My advice is just talk to him about it, but in the right context and make sure he doesn't feel it's something to be shy or uncomfortable about.

    As far as I am aware Boards.ie doesn't allow anyone to give medical advice, so I would suggest that he go see a GP about, if it's causing him discomfort or impeding his sex life.

    However, just be aware that phimosis is a common problem. It's certainly something most GPs will have encountered plenty of times and the solutions proposed will probably just be using steroid cream and stretching it out. If that doesn't work, or if there's some underlying conditions they can look at surgical solutions to it, all of which are very minor, and it doesn't necessarily mean that he needs to get a circumcision either. There are other options in a lot of cases.

    I'd suggest though first port of call is the GP and if it's not resolving maybe seek a referral onto a urologist.

    From a relationship point of view though, it is unlikely it should impede things too much - just be a bit aware of it.


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