A quiet word

[article taken from PC gaming]
"Don't you just love the way everything with software's just so great?"

Dear Mr. D. Veloper;
Just a quick letter to say how impressed i was with your latest game Badass IV:The Last Cataclysm.Tremendous.What a wonderful first-person roleplaying,driving,beat em'-up,adventure simulation this is. Top-notch 3D graphics, dazzling sound effects with that wonderful music score by Twelve Metre Carpet Tacks. I've been playing Badass IV for hours on end: well, I have no choice really since the levels are so absolutely huge and well designed that my poor PII 450 just comes over all awe-struck and humble and can't cope. The really strange thing is that the specifications on the side of the box state that I only need a 386SX with 2Mb RAM and a 1Mb graphics card. Obviously, my system needs some fine tuning.
While we're talking about levels, I must congradulate you on the awesome monster at the end of level five! You know, the one that is so powerful it destroys the whole gaming universe! Wow, sometimes it can take ages for me to get back at the end of that level, only to have him destroy the universe again and always with that mystical message,'A fatal exception has occured in Kernel 32'. I haven't yet deciphered what the puzzle means, but when i do that beast is toast.
I can't begin to tell you how clever i think the traps are.That one that imprisons me in the room and makes all the walls disappear, very cunning. Even more so since it only comes on randomly. You wags have sure kept me on my toes, I can tell you. I'm not so sure about the device that keeps freezing time though, especially since i seem to have to reset the PC to get out of it. I was wondering, where in the game world is Scandisk? Everytime I escape one of your briliant snares I am sent there but I can't find any reference to it in the manual. Is it one of those wnderful undocumented features I hear so much about?
The non-player characters are so lifelike! How did you program them with such human characteristics? One minute they are my friends and everything is hunky dory, the next, boom, they're baying for my blood and calling me weird names like 'error in module 423' or 'this program has performed and illegal operation and is shutting down'.Brilliant! They're just like my real friends, backstabbers that they are. While we're on the subject, you've done execellent work on the enemy AI.Such creativity, not like these other boring games that just repeat the same old routine of having bad guys that behave like real people, oh no. Deaf soldiers,blind robots,civilians rise from the dead - I mean who the hell wants an opponent who reacts with stealth and cunning,tracking you down through the labrynthine levels with dogged determination? It's much better to have some rendered moron who stands there and lets you blow the crap out of him while his friends stand two feet away, oblivious to the whole shooting match. You guys sure know what your audiences want.You rock,really.
The vehicles you've included are sensational. That car that hides itself in its own boot,handy for getting it into small places. I haven't figured out how to use the car when it does that but i will.I love a challenge and the vehicles are nothing if not a challenge, especially when the steering goes all wobbly without warning. How many times have i crashed the car and been blown to bits when that happens? I've lost count. It just makes me laugh and laugh.....and laugh.......and laugh.....
I'm running out of space and i havent even begun to mention the shape-changing, colour-changing weapons. Groovy. By the way, how do i access that device that lets me walk through the walls? I'm doin it at the moment but i cant seem to find the button. Oh well, me and my ham fisted controlling ,eh?
Let me finish by saying that what impresses me about you guys most of all is the dedication. How many other software houses give away as many add-ons as you? There must have been 20 by now. You guys are so creative and so generous to come up with all this extra stuff and then give it all away for free. All i have to do is log onto the internet for 19 hours, spend half an hour installing it and re-start my game from the beginning and hey presto! More fun than i can shake a reasonably large stick at. I havent yet been able to get more than a third of the way through the game but hey, that's just me right?
Thanks again for all your efforts, I really really appreciate it.
Yours,
Paul Ditta

PS what do all my friends mean when they say you sold me an 'unfinished beta'?