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Date advice

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  • 16-12-2018 12:16pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I've been texting a girl I know back and forth for the past few months. I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out for coffee in cork next week and she suggested lunch and drinks instead. I'm coming from a place of low confidence. I used to be 23.5 stone and I've lost 7 stone . I'm still overweight for my height . I really like this girl and I feel if I don't kiss her I'll be friend zoned


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    #2
    Unanimous
    Closed Accounts Posts: 143 ✭✭Unanimous


    Well if you kiss her she Could think you have harassed her and would have a legit reason to kick you out of her life for good.
    Kissing her doesn't bring you out of the friend zone.
    Go have your date and see how it goes.
    Wait till the 3rd date if you must kiss her. By then you will be able to know if it will be welcomed or not.
    Good luck.


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    #3
    Dial Hard
    Registered Users Posts: 13,411 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard


    Ignore the above post. There's no such thing as the friendzone and there's no magic line between dates whereby on one a kiss is assault and on the next, it's fine.

    Your main concern seems to be over your appearance so I'll ask the salient question: does she know what you look like? As in, recent pics, that aren't taken from strategic angles?


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    #4
    Unanimous
    Closed Accounts Posts: 143 ✭✭Unanimous


    Dial Hard wrote: »
    Ignore the above post. There's no such thing as the friendzone and there's no magic line between dates whereby on one a kiss is assault and on the next, it's fine.

    Your main concern seems to be over your appearance so I'll ask the salient question: does she know what you look like? As in, recent pics, that aren't taken from strategic angles?

    lol, he may want to check if the feeling is mutual before kissing her.


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    #5
    Jenneke87
    Registered Users Posts: 807 ✭✭✭Jenneke87


    First off: there is no friend zone where a man waits indefinitely until a woman finally notices him and they end up being together. You either feel attacked to somebody or you don't. A woman's friendship is not some crappy consolation prize that a man gets if she's not interested in a relationship with him. I wouldn't go around kissing her on the first date with the intention of securing a relationship when you hardly know how she feels about you. It reads as if you see this as your only oppertunity to get a girl.

    My advise is to keep working on yourself: keep losing the excess weight, enjoy the date and don't put so much pressure on the both of you.


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    #6
    Rachiee
    Registered Users Posts: 880 ✭✭✭Rachiee


    You can do little things to show that the date is romantic and not friendly, be tactile touch her shoulder, or knee while talking, compliment her, tell her why you wanted to meet. I prefer to be kissed on a first date or it doesn't feel like a date or that there's any interest everyone is different though just keep an eye on her and how she is reacting to you, but if you don't feel comfortable don't stress about it, she's probably nervous too


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    #7
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Update : Date went quiet well I feel. We had a few pints and then went for dinner and a walk around the city . There was no awkward silences , the conversation kept flowing . There was the odd mutual touching on the arm shoulder etc and plenty of playful teasing of her on my part which she responded verly well to with plenty of laughs. The only negative on my part is that I didn't try to kiss her but it was during the day and I didn't feel it would be appropriate during the day amongst a load of Christmas shoppers . We parted ways with a hug and I suggested we should do this again in the new year when are both back in the town we work in A very positive I feel is that she didn't just say yes she said yes and I'll be back on this "specific date"
    I'm probably putting too much pressure on myself but I feel llI need to go for the kiss on date 2 for sure or it will be a sign of weakness and she will lose attraction


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    #8
    Dial Hard
    Registered Users Posts: 13,411 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard


    There's a strong vein of PUA-type rubbish in the way you speak - the friendzone, signs of weakness and whatnot - my major advice to you is to drop that thought process like a hot potato before your next date. A) it's specious nonsense and B) I literally don't know ANY women who wouldn't run a mile from it.

    I know it's a cliche but seriously, just be yourself.


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    #9
    wirelessdude01
    Registered Users Posts: 8,418 ✭✭✭wirelessdude01


    Look if it happens it happens. Planning something like that leads to it being a disappointment. Let it happen naturally, don't force.


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    #10
    Rubberchikken
    Registered Users Posts: 5,083 ✭✭✭Rubberchikken


    hey op
    sounds like you and she had a good day. arrange to meet again and see how things go. it sounds like she likes you. thats a great start.
    you can ask to kiss her. its kinda nice.
    best of luck.


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    #11
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Last time I was on a date it was going well. We were having a few drinks and getting on like a house on fire

    Time flew and before we both knew it it was closing time. I gave her a compliment, she smiled. I simply asked could I kiss her and she said yes. Maybe try something similar?


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    #12
    ginandtonicsky
    Closed Accounts Posts: 710 ✭✭✭ginandtonicsky


    Don't jump to Date 2 Strategy Plan, just live your life and see what happens in the new year. A surefire way of killing a potential new romance is by ruminating and overanalysing it to death before you even actually know the person.

    She might be nice but it goes nowhere for any number of reasons. Date 2 might not happen because life takes over and ye end up drifting out of each other's lives. You might meet her a few more times and decide you're not actually that into her and vice versa.

    I'm not saying this to depress or discourage you! I'm simply describing how dating goes 90% of the time these days and showing why it's important, albeit tough when you like someone, to keep a level head and not put too much weight in any particular girl you meet.

    If you do end up meeting her again, let the aim be to find out a little more about her, get a bit closer, flirt more, have fun. Kissing should happen naturally and not in a forced, formulaic, "he's trying to tick a box" kinda way that can leave someone feeling awkward and uncomfortable.


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    #13
    Bubbaclaus
    Registered Users Posts: 4,461 ✭✭✭Bubbaclaus


    Unanimous wrote: »
    Well if you kiss her she Could think you have harassed her and would have a legit reason to kick you out of her life for good.
    Kissing her doesn't bring you out of the friend zone.
    Go have your date and see how it goes.
    Wait till the 3rd date if you must kiss her. By then you will be able to know if it will be welcomed or not.
    Good luck.

    3rd date before kissing? This isn't amish country.


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    #14
    leggo
    Registered Users Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    Some really good and really bad advice here.

    OP whoever brought up PUA stuff is right, there’s a strong whiff of it and, as someone who looked into (and liked) a lot of it years back, in truth it’s crap. There are no ‘rules’ and it’s all just tricks men with self-esteem issues try play on themselves and others (women do it too to be fair, it’s just not called PUA). You say yourself you still feel down on your appearance, so that’s what you’re doing here: you’re telling yourself “I’m not good enough” and trying to think of tricks to get around that because you like this girl. But the reality is you can do these tricks all you like, when you get close enough to someone it all comes out anyway, so you’re better off setting up from a platform that works.

    Try this instead: tell yourself reasons you ARE good enough to make this, or any, girl happy. Believe it. Accept the fact that she’s talked to you, and met you now, and is still around so that’s proof (and if it goes the other way, that happens more often than not with everyone anyway, so that’s cool too and isn’t proof that you’re not good enough). Then just chill and have a real human interaction with her. Enjoy the conversations without overthinking everything (it’s supposed to be fun!), make plans that are fun involving stuff you’ll both like based on what you chat about, and see how it goes from there. If it works out, great. If it doesn’t, it wasn’t meant to be but take confidence from it and move forward to the next one. It really is that simple.


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    #15
    BBFAN
    Registered Users Posts: 2,228 ✭✭✭BBFAN


    OP, I know there are others on here telling you you're overthinking this but I totally get it.

    I'm a female and I overthink dates like this too. Most people do, those who say they don't are spoofing.

    The positive is though that you've met, she knows what you like and she's obviously impressed if she wants to meet again so just try to go into the next date with a bit of self esteem thinking "yeah, she thinks I'm alright" and hopefully it will go well from there.

    Fair play to you putting our feelings out there, it's not easy but take solace in the fact that women are thinking the same.

    She's probably thinking "jaysus I wonder if he thinks I'm fat or he doesn't want to kiss me".

    The kiss is something you're just going to have to go for. It has to happen at some stage and even if it awkward you could both end up having a laugh at it in years to come.

    Very best of luck, I really hope it goes well on your next date.


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