Feeling Left Behind

LegacyUser · 19-06-2019 1:52am #1

I'm halfway through the summer after my first year of college, and am feeling lonely af. I feel like I haven't really made any strong friendships there, to be honest. I mean that, waiting outside lectures, I can generally find a group to talk to, but once I'm off campus, that's it, I never hear from, or really speak to anyone. ( You may have guessed that I can probably count the amount of times I've gone out, on my two hands).
It's not even that I choose this, I just find it really hard to go up to someone and initiate conversation. It probably all stems from the fact that I got bullied at a young age, and it was only about 5th year, that it would have fully stopped. The whole experience made me acutely aware of the social hierarchy that existed in school, and now again in college, and am far too afraid to approach people for fear of ( to put in somewhat polite terms) them telling me where to go. As a result, I'm not overly close to anyone in college, and I don't have any friends at home.
My parents seem to have grown sick of hearing of it, and are telling me that it's my own fault for not making the effort, but they don't seem to understand how hard I find it. Just to really add to the nerves, I've noticed that over the last year or so, a certain level of stress or anxiety causes bowel movements of a certain nature on my part, and this has happened should I be in a situation where I'm in a large crowd with no one I know enough, to hang on to them.
I'm sorry, I don't really know whether I'm using this to vent or genuinely find answers, but I'd appreciate any advice given.

PHG · 19-06-2019 10:24am

Hi OP,

Firstly, maybe have a sit down with your parents and let them know how you feel.

In the mean time, do you have a summer job or doing anything for the summer? Can you join a club or if you live in a city are there any meetup groups? Loads of places are always looking for volunteers. Try not to isolate yourself at home, online etc.

Social anxiety is very tough but can you make a conscious effort next semester to join some clubs/societies you have an interest in?

Unfortunately some of this is about being stubborn and driving on.

Bets of Luck

PHG

antix80 · 19-06-2019 10:37am

Are you doing anything at all during the summer, or just sitting at home feeling bad about how things are going?
Are you getting anything out of your course in college? Do you enjoy it? Are you interested in it? Are you doing it because you have a certain career in mind?

baby and crumble · 19-06-2019 11:15am

It's not today or yesterday that I was in college for the first time, but whilst I never had terrible social anxiety then, I realised fairly fast that I had almost nothing in common with most people on my course, other than the fact that we were doing the same classes. Once I joined a college society that I felt really passionate about, that's when I made true friends, because they were people like me, who liked and were nerdy and passionate about the same things as me. I have no contact whatsoever with anyone I was in class with for my full 4 years of undergrad - but I met my wife through societies and many of my very good friends still are folks I volunteered with.

College is a hard adjustment for most people, and most people think they need friends in class to hang out with all the time - that's nice when it happens but it's not always the case. You could use the summer to think about the types of societies you might like to join when 2nd year rolls around. it's much easier to strike up conversation when you know that the person you're talking to at least has an interest in whatever the society is about. That's an automatic conversation starter and one you can keep coming back to if you need to.

I won't tell you that people in college are super mature, because that's not true, but what I will say is after the novelty of 1st year wears off, and people realise that they want people around them they actually like, most will open themselves up to new people that they might have thought were silly or whatever in school. Some won't, and will persist in thinking they're amazing and the coolest, but honestly they're not really worth your time, and because college is bigger, you can avoid them a bit easier!

zoobizoo · 19-06-2019 11:18am

Firstly, most people find it difficult to go up and talk to people they do not know. I know people in their 30s, 40s, 50s and older who are still like this. So try not to be so hard on yourself.

I feel for you as you sound like me when I was in college - I was never bullied but social anxiety kicked in in college and that was despite me getting on with people. And the bowels... THE BOWELS.... I hear ya. Nerves caused my stomach to churn.

I wouldn't mention it to your parents again - they don't understand and probably won't ever understand. It's not your fault. It's like telling someone "be more confident"..... but I would try the college counsellor or see if you can talk to a therapist if you can afford it.

What you need to do is find your own circle of people - could be 2/3 or 4.... it might be one, who you connect with and can pal around with. Common interests help here - what are your interests? So I'd look at college clubs and societies where people are there to do an activity / talk about a common interest and also to meet others like them.

It was only in my 30s that I discovered that a hobby could open up a whole new world of friendships and connections as well as making me "more interesting" - I had something to talk about with people who wanted to talk about it!

I'd also pick up a copy of The Feeling Good Handbook - there are good exercises in there to help you get through the tough times.

Even with social anxiety I travelled the world on my own, had girlfriends, made friends, set up a business where I had to call deal with the public, had call in to businesses to make sales, stood on streets handing our fliers.....

Good luck dude.

LegacyUser · 19-06-2019 1:05pm

Thanks for the responses, they're much appreciated. Re what I'm doing currently, I've had two interviews, one I'm waiting to hear from, another I didn't get, and am also amongst the seemingly many waiting to hear from Civil Service about their summer positions, so I'm making an effort there, even if I am currently unemployed.
As for the course, I actually have a solid plan in place for that. I'm studying maths, and hope to train to become an actuary at the end, and even have what sort of actuary and where all worked out, so I do have something I can work towards.
Lastly for the clubs and societies, I joined 2/3 last year, and went to a small handful of events, but these were mostly the sort of societies where I would have known people from my course, and could have gone over to them. Ergo, I didn't really mingle with any new people. I might try going for a committee next year, or at the very least, try and go to more events, at least as much as my digestive system permits...

zoobizoo · 19-06-2019 4:48pm

Help! I Need Somebody wrote: »

Lastly for the clubs and societies, I joined 2/3 last year, and went to a small handful of events, but these were mostly the sort of societies where I would have known people from my course, and could have gone over to them. Ergo, I didn't really mingle with any new people. I might try going for a committee next year, or at the very least, try and go to more events, at least as much as my digestive system permits...

Well that's a good start.

Committees are a good way to meet people and to get more involved. A lot of this is about challenging your thinking - that book I recommended will help with that.

As for the digestion - that's just your nerves working over time and possibly too much coffee too.

Feeling Left Behind

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