Originally Posted by Anxiousjohn
I’ll try keep this as short as possible. I’m currently with my girlfriend 3 years. Most of the time we get on great and life is good. We’re both 38. The problem lies with me, or in me.
I struggle with insecurity a good bit. It has impacted our relationship and caused a lot of rows more in the past but still in the present.
My girlfriend has a lot of male friends, and she’s been with a good few of them over the years. She prides herself on being an honest person and I never think she’d cheat. It’s just not in her.
Most of the guys she’s been with that are still her friends, I have zero problem with. But one circle of friends she hangs out with there’s 2 guys out of 5-6 in it that are ex’s. They’re all friends since childhood.
Guy 1 - long term ex. Childhood sweethearts, lost virginity together etc. They broke up early 20’s, stayed in touch, got back together twice since, in the last 10 years for a couple of years each time. They’ve had a few hook ups too in between. It’s been 4 years but he’s still not comfortable around is and in my opinion not Over her.
My girlfriend says she is an extreme prude. Does not sleep around etc. Yet for guy 2 she broke all her rules. They didn’t have sex but they hooked up lots during her 20’s. Very good looking guy and a player. In my opinion, if you break all your rules for somebody, that makes them pretty significant. She says he wasn’t.
So far, any time she’s been out with them, we’re there as a couple. But she’s often said she wants to go out with them on her own at some stage. The thoughts of her out skulling pints with these guys makes me physically and mentally ill if I’m being honest. My stomach is in knots and my head is in a spin. She gets extremely annoyed when I say how uncomfortable that would make me. She calls it controlling and says I don’t trust her. Am I pathetic?
I don't know OP, I'm finding it hard to believe that this is insecurity based on your personal belief rather and its insecurity knowing your girlfriend is friends with ex's and takes pride in this.
Taking pride in honesty and taking pride in being honest towards being with a couple of male friends and happily staying friends with them, tells me she likes the attention she recieves. She calls you controlling because she knows how uneasy you are towards her friendship with these guys and wants to go out with them on her own. I don't know. I'm gathering that she likes the fact she has a boyfriend but also likes the fact she gets male attention outside of the relationship. But I could be misjudging her completely.
I'm sure if the shoe was on the other foot, she wouldn't be calling you controlling, in fact you would probably be called much worst and demands would be made. She would be feeling insecure and deflated each time you went out with female friends, knowing you went out with some of them.
I don't like to tell posters to "leave their relationship" or "dump them" but I'm heading down the lines of, this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all and she has no boundaries. I'm all for having female and male friends. I've plenty and so does my partner but to go as far as to say they are ex's, want to be friends and to hang out with them on our own, and then claim we are being controlling because of insecurities, no I'm sorry.
OP, you're only 38. You've still plenty left to give out there and to spend another 3 years feeling the same way and eventually could lead into more mental health problems. This relationship and this girl doesn't sound worth carrying on for the long run but if you truly love her, then talk to her. Tell her that this doesn't sit well with you and you feel like maybe being friends with ex's, considering histories, that you feel she's holding onto these ex's for reasons that are not appropriate in a relationship. She might give out and call you controlling and whatever follows with that but it will go to show that she's not willing to focus on her relationship with someone who genuinely does love her.