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01-12-2020, 13:08   #1
katiek102010
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Feeling broken

As per my previous post my marriage ended 2 weeks ago.

He called around at the weekend as due to his drinking I'm not happy with unsupervised access. I could tell from him that he had been drinking, most likely into the early hours.

When he called around he was so nice, compliments, offering to help, even bought me a box of chocolates. Even though he was primarily with our son, we spoke just general chitchat but in the 3 hrs we spoke more than we have done in years.

I'm so angry and upset and I actually feel broken. For those few hours he was the kind sweet person I fell in love with all those years ago

The reality is that he stopped being like that a long time ago. No intimacy, no affection just a lot of hurt and pain.

I don't know why now, why be nice now. Is he trying to get in my good books to take him back as all he's doing is hurting me even more by reminding me what it should have been like.

I have been in tears since he was here. I just don't know what to do but I can't go through all that pain and worry again
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01-12-2020, 13:11   #2
Purple Mountain
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Katie, all you need to take from that is that he turned up to visit his child while under the influence of alcohol.
That says it all.
You mentioned before he has a car so I assume he drove there too?
So, drink driving and spending time with his son drunk.
It doesn't matter how nice he was, he's not going to change.
Book to see a counsellor asap and book to see a family law solicitor asap also.
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01-12-2020, 13:34   #3
katiek102010
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Katie, all you need to take from that is that he turned up to visit his child while under the influence of alcohol.
That says it all.
You mentioned before he has a car so I assume he drove there too?
So, drink driving and spending time with his son drunk.
It doesn't matter how nice he was, he's not going to change.
Book to see a counsellor asap and book to see a family law solicitor asap also.
He had sobered up by the time he called. I could tell in his eyes.

I have booked to see a counseller but it will be the end of the week as thats the earliest they could fit me in.

Can't afford a solicitor
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01-12-2020, 13:54   #4
Purple Mountain
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He had sobered up by the time he called. I could tell in his eyes.

I have booked to see a counseller but it will be the end of the week as thats the earliest they could fit me in.

Can't afford a solicitor
Ring the legal aid board.
You're probably entitled to free legal aid.
Citizens Information will give you their phone number.
Sometimes you're able to pick a solicitor in your area (once they accept free legal aid) somy advice is to find out who is a highly recommended family law solicitor in your area and maybe have them rang first to see if they accept the legal aid.
Often people just pick a solicitor based on past dealings in business etc but it's important to go to one who knows family law backwards.
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01-12-2020, 14:00   #5
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Katie, explore your options for Legal Aid There is a waiting list for their services so do this now. Making an appointment is one thing you can do.

You are right. He was nice and affectionate and helpful and romantic because he wants you to take him back. None of it is real and that's why you are hurting so much. I'm glad you've got counselling lined up. The end if the week seems far away now but you will get there. Do you have anyone you can lean on for support in the meantime? Have a look at the sticky thread on this forum for a list of helplines and resources if you are in crisis and really need to talk. Posting here was a good move too. It helped you to vent and people will support and encourage you here.

You are being brilliant. Brave and strong even though you are in pain. You know you can't let him back. And it's normal that that's leaving you torn. Keep putting you and your child first, let that consideration guide you.
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01-12-2020, 14:40   #6
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Katie, it is also - you are seeing him for the first time.It rakes up a lot of pain.Go with those feelings, why would you not feel like that?There has been huge upheaval, but you did the right thing for you and your son.But you are grieving and coping still, there will be doubt, regret, sadness at how it should be, all of that.Those feelings are normal.
He may have been on his best behaviour because he knows he wants to maintain access and won't get it if he behaves any other way for now.It doesn't matter anyway, you know what he was like and how bad it got.Keep putting one foot before the other, you are doing the right thing but it is very early days yet.And definitely get help for you too, you need a shoulder to cry on aswell.
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01-12-2020, 15:05   #7
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Thanks, I just don't know how I'm going to hold it together.

I have rang the free legal aid, they will draw up a family mediation agreement but he has to contact them too. If he doesn't I'm screwed.

I just don't get it, how can he hurt me so much when I have done nothing wrong.
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01-12-2020, 18:29   #8
 
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He might be nice for a number of reasons:- someone less cynical than might may think it's because he realises what he's lost, but in reality it's because he needs to make some feeble attempt to stop you walking away.

Unfortunately the answer to most of your why's will be alcohol addiction. He may actually be a decent guy, I'm sure he was when you married him but he's gone and has been replaced by an addict. Alcohol controls everything now & you cannot take anything at face value when talking to an addict.

You are doing the right thing here, keep going. So many people don't have the strength to leave, but you've got there. Don't turn back.

Last edited by cannotlogin; 01-12-2020 at 19:14.
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02-12-2020, 19:41   #9
Big Bag of Chips
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Katie, it doesn't surprise me that he is being nice. He didn't have to be nice before because you tolerated bad behaviour. You have now shown him that you won't tolerate it any more. It is often said that we teach people how to treat us. For a long time you had let him know it was OK. So he carried on. You have now said "no more" and he realises you mean it, so he needs to change.

For as long as he's drinking he cannot live with your family. It doesn't matter if he changes his attitude. It doesn't matter if he starts being nice and attentive and kind. He has to do all that along with not drinking too.

This is the time you need to remain strong because it is the time when he will pull out all the stops to show you he can be better and that he is changing. Maybe he can be better, and he is changing but.. It also has to include stopping drinking before you should even consider that he is changing.

It is possible that your marriage can survive this. It is possible that you could get back together. But it can only happen with him accepting that he cannot drink anymore. Drink causes problems in his marriage, so he chooses drink or his marriage. He doesn't get to keep both.

I hope you read the Merry-go-round named denial. You have gotten off the merry-go-round and he is trying to pull you back on. He will say what he knows you want to hear in an attempt to get what he wants, life back to "normal".

Al-Anon meetings are free, usually just throw in a small donation to help cover the rent of the room. Hopefully they'll be opening up again soon. (I am really missing mine). When you get to speak to others in the same situation you will realise he is textbook!

He'd being lovely now, because he thinks it will get him what he wants. He might turn pretty quickly if you're not responding in the manner he hopes. Even if he does commit to stopping drinking and you agree to try again l, there will be bumps in the road. It has taken years to get to this point. It's not going to be sorted and resolved in a couple of weeks.

Give yourself time. Give yourself credit! Whatever happens in your life from now you will be OK.
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02-12-2020, 20:03   #10
katiek102010
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Originally Posted by Big Bag of Chips View Post
Katie, it doesn't surprise me that he is being nice. He didn't have to be nice before because you tolerated bad behaviour. You have now shown him that you won't tolerate it any more. It is often said that we teach people how to treat us. For a long time you had let him know it was OK. So he carried on. You have now said "no more" and he realises you mean it, so he needs to change.

For as long as he's drinking he cannot live with your family. It doesn't matter if he changes his attitude. It doesn't matter if he starts being nice and attentive and kind. He has to do all that along with not drinking too.

This is the time you need to remain strong because it is the time when he will pull out all the stops to show you he can be better and that he is changing. Maybe he can be better, and he is changing but.. It also has to include stopping drinking before you should even consider that he is changing.

It is possible that your marriage can survive this. It is possible that you could get back together. But it can only happen with him accepting that he cannot drink anymore. Drink causes problems in his marriage, so he chooses drink or his marriage. He doesn't get to keep both.

I hope you read the Merry-go-round named denial. You have gotten off the merry-go-round and he is trying to pull you back on. He will say what he knows you want to hear in an attempt to get what he wants, life back to "normal".

Al-Anon meetings are free, usually just throw in a small donation to help cover the rent of the room. Hopefully they'll be opening up again soon. (I am really missing mine). When you get to speak to others in the same situation you will realise he is textbook!

He'd being lovely now, because he thinks it will get him what he wants. He might turn pretty quickly if you're not responding in the manner he hopes. Even if he does commit to stopping drinking and you agree to try again l, there will be bumps in the road. It has taken years to get to this point. It's not going to be sorted and resolved in a couple of weeks.

Give yourself time. Give yourself credit! Whatever happens in your life from now you will be OK.
I'm definitely not taking him back. Spoke to GP today and she was brilliant. I suffer from depression anyway and absolutely terrified I would end up like I was before.

She is confident I won't as before I didn't recognise triggers and I am getting help early on now.
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02-12-2020, 21:24   #11
Big Bag of Chips
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Good for you. It takes a very strong person to walk away from a marriage. Especially one where there's an addiction. You become "the fixer". You become the one keeping the peace, smoothing things over. And to step out of that role and say "not my problem" takes huge effort.

Well done. And I'm glad your GP was there for you. You will need people in your corner. Even 1 good close friend who will listen to you ranting and raving! You have so much you need to work through. Don't feel like you should shoulder it alone.
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03-12-2020, 00:03   #12
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Originally Posted by Big Bag of Chips View Post
Katie, it doesn't surprise me that he is being nice. He didn't have to be nice before because you tolerated bad behaviour. You have now shown him that you won't tolerate it any more. It is often said that we teach people how to treat us. For a long time you had let him know it was OK. So he carried on. You have now said "no more" and he realises you mean it, so he needs to change.

For as long as he's drinking he cannot live with your family. It doesn't matter if he changes his attitude. It doesn't matter if he starts being nice and attentive and kind. He has to do all that along with not drinking too.

This is the time you need to remain strong because it is the time when he will pull out all the stops to show you he can be better and that he is changing. Maybe he can be better, and he is changing but.. It also has to include stopping drinking before you should even consider that he is changing.

It is possible that your marriage can survive this. It is possible that you could get back together. But it can only happen with him accepting that he cannot drink anymore. Drink causes problems in his marriage, so he chooses drink or his marriage. He doesn't get to keep both.

I hope you read the Merry-go-round named denial. You have gotten off the merry-go-round and he is trying to pull you back on. He will say what he knows you want to hear in an attempt to get what he wants, life back to "normal".

Al-Anon meetings are free, usually just throw in a small donation to help cover the rent of the room. Hopefully they'll be opening up again soon. (I am really missing mine). When you get to speak to others in the same situation you will realise he is textbook!

He'd being lovely now, because he thinks it will get him what he wants. He might turn pretty quickly if you're not responding in the manner he hopes. Even if he does commit to stopping drinking and you agree to try again l, there will be bumps in the road. It has taken years to get to this point. It's not going to be sorted and resolved in a couple of weeks.

Give yourself time. Give yourself credit! Whatever happens in your life from now you will be OK.
I was this guy. If anyone remembers the friends episode with "Fun Bobby", they realise Bobby was drunk most of the time. I've not much changed but my wife and I had a few other issues too. Are now separated years (no kids). She lives abroad but we meet a couple of times a year like when she is home to visit family and we get on better then than we did for a lot of our marriage.

My drinking was defo at the core of our breakup. I was never abusive in the normally assumed ways (physically, verbally, sexually) but was emotionally. The biggest regret of my life. And still I drink too much.

I wish you the best of luck with everything. Stay away and hold fast.
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03-12-2020, 02:41   #13
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I know it’s a bit off topic, but fair play to you for posting something so honest Heckler. Sounds like you’ve fully acknowledged your role in the break up (which can’t have been easy to admit/reconcile your own mind to), and that you and your ex have come to an ‘ok place’.

Hopefully you can get onto a path of minding yourself, and the future will be brighter for you.
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04-12-2020, 15:54   #14
katiek102010
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I was this guy. If anyone remembers the friends episode with "Fun Bobby", they realise Bobby was drunk most of the time. I've not much changed but my wife and I had a few other issues too. Are now separated years (no kids). She lives abroad but we meet a couple of times a year like when she is home to visit family and we get on better then than we did for a lot of our marriage.

My drinking was defo at the core of our breakup. I was never abusive in the normally assumed ways (physically, verbally, sexually) but was emotionally. The biggest regret of my life. And still I drink too much.

I wish you the best of luck with everything. Stay away and hold fast.
Fingers crossed you get yourself sorted. My ex never will. He has himself completely convinced that he is right and everyone is wrong. The level he drinks is completely normal.

He doesn't drink before 8 pm. From around 5 he is edgy, snappy argumentative until he gets his 1st can. He drinks like its water. Its cans or the cheap cider. I have seen him neck 18 cans between 8 and 1am.

He was never physically violent, he would leave us without money for food, I ended up with severe depression, gained a bit of weight, not a lot, so was called a psyco and fat cow etc. He wouldn't contribute to bills and when they were not paid it was my fault.

I have had the realisation that what happened us, happened to his 1st wife too, however, I believed all along that it was her affairs etc that caused it...

I didn't have affairs as maybe I'm older and I have been so exhausted from doing everything I didn't have the energy.

The drinking actually feels like an affair, it's something that has a physical and emotional hold over him.
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04-12-2020, 16:28   #15
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I hope you got your therapy session today or tomorrow.
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