Worried about partner and everything else

Claimddole · 30-10-2020 12:01pm #1

Hi Guys,

Went anon to post as I’m a regular poster.

Basically everything in life was going good and me and my partner finally bought a house together. She is 27 and I’m 30.

Our relationship is brilliant we are such a strong couple.
But she had some health issues she basically took a pill which kept her in work and kept her working while we got the mortgage. This pill she took eventually had stopped working but was also doing other damage.

He hair started falling out and it continues to fall out in clumps it’s scary. I think she is slightly in denial and I worry about her mental health.
Anyway the doctor said it was stress and we decided she would leave her job because we thought it was the stress causing he hair to fall out as her job has changed completely in the last few months and all she dealt with was complaints.

We’re both pretty certain she is going to use her hair.
We are paying for the best products and vitamins which are proven to work so hopefully we can save some of her hair.

Now on top of this she is out of work. We expected her to get a large amount of money due to holidays she had left but she didn’t calculate them correctly and it left us with very little.

I can support the both of us with my wage but everytime I mention the dole to her she puts it off.
I asked her to contact the intreo centre today to get a psc card and she said she’ll do it on Monday.
I’m worried we won’t have a lot of money for Christmas and I asked would she not just ring today for the appointment she then retreated to the bedroom to sulk.

She has a lot on her plate but pushing out something so important right now especially in the lead up to Christmas is crazy. Im very concerned for her health, our money situation and our future.

If I lose my job we’re in serious trouble and we only moved into the house. I just feel maybe we rushed it all and it’s all too much. It feels like since we moved In our circumstances or more so hers with her hair etc has taken a complete downturn.
Everything is so hard right now and we should be happy with life but I think the hair thing and claiming social welfare is destroying her but if she doesn’t claim social welfare it’s obviously doing more damage because we’re going to be broke if she doesn’t.

What do I do? I’m also starting to abuse alcohol lately because maybe I’m stupid but it’s like a release for me in the evening time she also partakes but wouldn’t drink nearly as much. I’ll blackout a lot of nights a week maybe 4 and wake up wrecked and work from home.

LegacyUser · 30-10-2020 1:59pm

Is she speaking to anyone about the emotional side of her hair loss? Its one thing to speak to a GP and focus on the medical but its a different thing to discussing the emotional impact its taken on them.

Also you should consider taking to someone yourself about your own concerns and emotions as turning to drink is not a method you should be using to cope with this.

I understand the stress you are feeling regarding money but I also can see why she has put off applying for social welfare, its another thing she needs to manage, another thing she could view as failure etc Try not to pressure her because you are stressed about money, she should sign on yes as its something she is entitled too and that should be the focus not we need money now panic! Also has she discussed with her GP about looking at disability allowance? If she's suffering from stress and loosing her hair is she fit to work right now?

Meeoow · 30-10-2020 4:01pm

Are the tablets causing her hair loss? I changed tablets before to ranitidine for stomach issues, and my hair fell out in clumps. Thankfully it came back as soon as I stopped them.

TP_CM · 30-10-2020 10:11pm

This is when we really need to love our partners. Some days it's easier than others but we can't just decide to love them on their great days. First you need to recognise that alcohol is a problem as soon as it becomes a solution. I recommend having a long think about that. It messes with any positive thoughts we have and leaves us feeling a lot more miserable than we should. Why not have a sober November together?

You need to know you are the strong one right now and your partner is down. You have the job, you have the hair, you have the ability to calculate holidays right, you have the money. So be the strong one. That means forgiving, loving, understanding, listening and caring. Even when she doesn't take logical steps, support her. Buy her flowers, make her dinner, watch her favourite movie. The girl needs someone who cares about her right now.

Ellie2008 · 30-10-2020 11:26pm

TP_CM wrote: »

This is when we really need to love our partners. Some days it's easier than others but we can't just decide to love them on their great days. First you need to recognise that alcohol is a problem as soon as it becomes a solution. I recommend having a long think about that. It messes with any positive thoughts we have and leaves us feeling a lot more miserable than we should. Why not have a sober November together?

You need to know you are the strong one right now and your partner is down. You have the job, you have the hair, you have the ability to calculate holidays right, you have the money. So be the strong one. That means forgiving, loving, understanding, listening and caring. Even when she doesn't take logical steps, support her. Buy her flowers, make her dinner, watch her favourite movie. The girl needs someone who cares about her right now.

I’d echo the second paragraph but also be sure to keep in touch with friends & family so that you have a support system as well.

cannotlogin · 30-10-2020 11:51pm

You're definitely going through a tough time but there still a lot of positives which might help give you some hope at the moment.

1. Hair loss if caused by stress, especially in women, is typically temporary. If it's stress related there's a very high chance it will grow back. Might be a little thinner but will return. She probably associates it with her confidence and identity so reassure her still still looks fantastic. Maybe speaking to specialists would help reassure her.

2. You have a mortgage on your house. You have much more security than if renting. It is extremely difficult to repossess a home house in Ireland especially if the borrower is co-operating with the bank and communicating with them regularly. Even if you do lose your job, you can go get a moratorium on payments or interest only for a while. It is effectively years before a bank can come after you for repossession.

3. The dole payment. Maybe phrase it in a way that it will be one less thing for her to worry about as soon as she gets it sorted. She can probably even apply online for it at the moment, maybe you could given do it for her if it helps.

4. Your drinking. You don't need me to tell you, try knock it on the head. Have a no drinking until the weekend rule or something.

Things aren't as bad as they seem and most of the problems you guys have are temporary & can be resolved over time. Don't lose sight of that.

SweetLeaf · 31-10-2020 12:24am

She really should apply for the dole ASAP as there can be delays for new claims depending on the office but putting it off just makes zero sense. Maybe she is ashamed about it, which, if the attitudes on boards are anything to go by, makes sense as everyone gets tarred with the same brush as wasters, typically by people who have had things pretty handy. As someone who just got off the dole miraculously in the middle of this pandemic after doing 2 useless 12 month stints on Jobpath, a useless 9 months of slave labour on Jobbridge (remember that brilliant scheme), I can tell you firsthand that the phrase 'soul destroying' that gets bandied around in regards to unemployment is really not a cliche at all, especially when you know you are capable and employable.

She's obviously depressed which stops people doing basic responsibilities. You're going to have to stop drinking and just take over until she comes around. You're obviously stressed as well but drinking just makes you feel crap and heaps new problems on top of everything. You can't afford to have both of you all effed up so knock that on the head.

Then go down to the dole office yourself and explain your partner lost her job and is too ashamed to come in to apply so you are going to get the ball rolling and take the forms home. Make the appt for the PSC for her and bring her there.

Fill the forms out yourself (they arent short so it could be daunting to someone in depressed state) and just get her to sign them and bring her to the office to bring them in and make sure she goes to the post office when the payment comes in. Signing on in the office is cancelled due to covid so all she has to do is queue up once a week. I think there is also a thing now where you can nominate someone to collect your payment if you are high risk or unwell, you could chance your arm on that even, since her current condition is undiagnosed you don't know if it's an immune disease etc (alopecia is an autoimmune disease so this isn't fibbing at all).
But I would just start with getting her used to queuing up so she at least gets up and dresssed and moving one day a week and there's no reason to be ashamed with so many now losing jobs.

I don't have a ton of advice regarding the losing hair other than it's obviously devastating for anyone but especially a woman. But there are a lot of advancements in that area. I know a woman who had alopecia and her hair grew back, fell out again and grew back again. It was originally caused by environment (a whole group of them in Carpenterstown got it but they dont know why) and is triggered seemingly now by stress also.

Stop drinking, get the dole coming in and put some money aside for a wig and just take it easy on her and go from there.

Sonic the Shaghog · 31-10-2020 1:19am

Don't fill in the forms and just land them at her

Ask her if it would make it easier for her of you fill out and get all the bits ready and she just has to sign them, makes it easier for her and she won't feel like your going behind her back and forcing her into if you just land the forms in table

JustAThought · 31-10-2020 2:33am

Sonic the Shaghog wrote: »

Don't fill in the forms and just land them at her

Ask her if it would make it easier for her of you fill out and get all the bits ready and she just has to sign them, makes it easier for her and she won't feel like your going behind her back and forcing her into if you just land the forms in table

It ised be that You had to go down to ask them for the forms - then they would make an appointment for some other day perhaps a few
weeks hence to accept and check the forms and then a few more weeks later you wpupd
get your first payment.

Now with Covid it might be easier -
or a longer process. Try ringing tour
local office and find out what she needs to do. Don’t tell them she is depressed or not looking for work as they may p***** around and refuse her claim based on her not being available for work. YOU used be able to make an excuse as to why you left it 2 or 3 weeks before applying and ask for this to be backdated but unless you asked
for this is was not backdated automatically to when you lost your job.

She shoild also say cutbacks or restructuring due to covid not left of her own accord or she will not be eligable for dole

Unlike what another poster said here you are in an extremely vulnerable position because you have a mortgage. There are no rent or mortgage payment supports for mortgage owners so try and get the system in place to get that application in quickly. She has worked and paid in to the system, it is fair that she avail of her PAYE contribution stamps now that she has a genuine need.

It would also be worth your while to ask citizens advice about FIS payments - afaik without children you can apply for this - you would probably need for her to be signed on first. It wouod be reLly worth your while to look into this.

Ps. The chemists sell great hair and nail vitiman tablets called PERFECTIL. The ordinary lowest cost box is fantastic for hair growth - I’d really recommend them. Boots also sell them.

Best of luck - and reduce the booze. its expensive - you may regret thy spending in a few
months time and really need that money. Find another cheaper and healthier vice - Joe Wicks or a walk with your partner to blow off some of the stresses.

Gruffalux · 31-10-2020 9:27am

Blacking out 4 nights a week is the most serious problem in that list.

Some people hate bureaucracy, makes them stressed to even think of it. They come to a halt. Maybe apply for her online? Gather the documents for her. I do admin stuff for my husband as it is the one thing in life he gets stressed about it and I just treat it like another boring task.

Hair loss can be very hard on women. After a bad flu some years ago I suddenly lost a lot of hair. Freaked me out more than I expected as generally I adapt to crap. Perfectil plus really helps and a Brazil nut every day for selenium. I also used strong Horsetail decoction as hair rinse but it might be a step too far to ask her to become a witch.

It all grew back to normal thickness but it took a while.

Thierry12 · 31-10-2020 9:37am

Claimddole wrote: »

We’re both pretty certain she is going to use her hair.
We are paying for the best products and vitamins which are proven to work so hopefully we can save some of her hair.

Go see a doctor and get bloods done to treat the hairloss

None of those vitamins and products are going to work much if her hormones are not right

Claimddole · 01-11-2020 2:44pm

Thanks for all the helpful posts.

To be fair at extreme level of my drinking was blacking out 4 nights a week it’s not usually that bad but it was a few weeks back either way it’s not good at all.
I’m only drinking at weekends from now on and controlling it.

We are getting her bloods done and she said she’ll sort the psc on Monday which is tomorrow.

I appreciate all the advice I really do.
I will post updates going forward.

Worried about partner and everything else

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