No children at wedding drama [READ POST #1 FIRST - MOD]

OldMrBrennan83 · 10-02-2016 6:53pm

This post has been deleted.

Kevhog1988 · 10-02-2016 6:57pm

Patww79 wrote: »

It's complete madness. We have around 180 coming so 90 each, give or take. After nearly all aunts and uncles and a couple of cousins were ticked off, I gave the parents 6 each that they'd like and that will be it apart from who I want myself.

we were told thos at my 1st cousins wedding a few years ago.... i was 19 at the time and in college but classed as a child... i was even working with him also. i can see ypur pov though op and tbh i think you are right

theoldbreed · 10-02-2016 8:30pm

sinny65 wrote:

I think you are coming across as not very considerate. You state that your oh gets on well with his brother but you don't seem to make any effort to get to know him surely it would make your oh happy if you made the effort. You also mentioned that you haven't invited sis in law to hen, so it seems like you are distancing yourself from your hubby's family. I think absolutely a 16 yr old niece or nephew should be included in a family wedding and could not comprehend leaving them out. I get why your bro in law is annoyed and wonder how all of this makes your oh feel? Surely it would be good for him if you made an effort to know his family

Yes I also think you are adding two and two to get five. He does get on well with his BIL. I support that, I don't need to have a close relationship with him, we've been together six years and it has worked for me so far. As I said every family dynamic is different, who are you or I to judge.
Why would I invite someone on my hen who doesn't know me? Should I also invite Mary from work who I don't really know because I've invited my close friends from work and don't want to offend her?

theoldbreed · 10-02-2016 8:31pm

ronjo wrote:

What makes you say this? Its not as if you are getting rafts of answers saying she shouldnt be there.

Yes I am to be fair

esforum · 10-02-2016 9:09pm

haveringchick wrote: »

He's entitled to decline the invitation.
He's entitled to explain why
Just not in the obnoxious manner he chose to explain

Oh dont take up something I never said, his attitude and manner sucks in a major way as does his comments about the daughters friend. I dont disagree on that one iota. I just feel that the feelings and reasoning behind his dreunken childish rant had merit

pwurple · 10-02-2016 11:20pm

theoldbreed wrote: »

Hi all,
Thanks again for replies. I'll try answer what I can.
I am getting pretty tired having to justify my stepdaughter 's presence. I don't care if she were two or twelve she is entitled to be there and is entitled to a plus one who happens to be a teenager. So what. I find it bizarre people can't see the difference.
Secondly all family dynamics are different. It's not that I don't get along with them, I'm just not close to them. They are of no support to me or u as a couple apart from his parents. I don't feel bad or guilty about this in the slightest. Last time I had seen bill was last March and have never had a proper conversation with him. He is not a part of my life. My fiancé and he get along fine. I don't need a relationship with him nor do I want one now. I don't need any solutions, I don't have a problem.
Whatever issue he has is his problem. The more I think about it the more I think he has a bloody nerve and acted like a self entitled prat. I have no room for that in my life. I won't let him ruin this special time, I won't give him that power, we have so much love and positivity around us I am focusing on that.
If he comes fine, if not fine.

Ehhhh, why were you quoting me there? what had my post to do with that rant?

I said it was a big ask to bring 20 additional people along, and agreed with you that guestlists are a pain in the backside with families. There is no need to justify who y bring or don't bring, your choice entirely.

My bit at the end was to *think* about why this guy was acting so badly when drunk. The barriers come down then. You've repeatedly said you have no time for your husband's family, don't spend any time with them, didn't invite them to the hen etc. It's a possibility that the perceived snubbing *may* be biting you in the arse with their behaviour. Or, it could be the other way around, they are pure doses and causing you to avoid. T'was only a suggestion towards taking a minute to think about it instead of a family forever feuding over something so completely minor. Chill.

theoldbreed · 11-02-2016 12:04am

pwurple wrote:

My bit at the end was to *think* about why this guy was acting so badly when drunk. The barriers come down then. You've repeatedly said you have no time for your husband's family, don't spend any time with them, didn't invite them to the hen etc. It's a possibility that the perceived snubbing *may* be biting you in the arse with their behaviour. Or, it could be the other way around, they are pure doses and causing you to avoid. T'was only a suggestion towards taking a minute to think about it instead of a family forever feuding over something so completely minor. Chill.

It wasn't a rant, I was addressing your comment. Chill? I'm not wound up. You said I've bigger fish to fry, I don't. I don't see a problem regarding my relationship with his family.
I haven't repeatedly said I have no time for them, I said we aren't close. I don't see the issue. I have no negative feelings against them, they are nice people, we're just not close. Every dynamic is different.
Nobody was snubbed, he was treated the same as everyone else but he chose to make a big issue out of it.

jackofalltrades · 11-02-2016 1:42am

theoldbreed wrote: »

Firstly I felt it wasn't the right time to discuss it. I said I appreciate how you feel but nobody's kids are invited.
Secondly he said well isn't your OH's daughter going and she's a teenager, well of course she is, she's his daughter.
She is also allowed to bring a friend to the party so she won't be on her own. She doesn't have a lot of friends so we knew who she would bring.
A wee girl who is quite a tomboy so he started to say oh and her little lesbian friend.
He said he and his wife aren't coming and said we can have our wedding in 'county' I'm from a different county.
It got really heated and by the time we got to the first drop off I asked him to please get out of my car.
He said gladly and slammed door and continued to mock through the window.
Look I know alcohol was involved and it was like five hours but I am furious.

Well done on kicking him out of your car, his behaviour went way beyond what's acceptable.
Having a go at your stepdaughters friend like that is disgusting.
I wouldn't give him any leeway due to the fact he had been drinking either.
I find drink shows you the real character of a person more often then not.

I know people have different views on whether they want kids at a wedding or not.
But there's no right or wrong answer.
Do what you and your OH want and don't feel the need to justify yourself to anyone else.

From my own experience I find some family members and in-laws like to behave like this.
They take advantage of good people who will be more tolerant so as to maintain family ties.
Just be careful he doesn't try and have another go at you in the future when he's well oiled.

Good luck with the big day, hope it goes smoothly.

ronjo · 11-02-2016 9:04am

theoldbreed wrote: »

Yes I am to be fair

Who are the rafts of people on here saying she shouldnt go?

CaraMay · 11-02-2016 9:25am

I find it hard to believe after 300+ posts that people are criticising the op.

Her fiancées daughter is fully entitled to go to the wedding and bring a friend. She is also entitled to kick her obnoxious bil out of the car.

Op just ignore the people who don't want to leave their kids at home. It's your day.

CaraMay · 11-02-2016 9:25am

I find it hard to believe after 300+ posts that people are criticising the op.

Her fiancées daughter is fully entitled to go to the wedding and bring a friend. She is also entitled to kick her obnoxious bil out of the car.

Op just ignore the people who don't want to leave their kids at home. It's your day.

Jbubs · 11-02-2016 11:33am

OP I completely agree with you in regards to the future in laws. We are together 8 years and my future hubby has 1 sister and I would invite her to my hens, but that would be it from his side and I see no problem with that. I would only want my nearest and dearest at my hens. When I was with my partner about 4 or 5 months he received an invitation to his cousins wedding and I wasn't invited which never bothered me in the slightest as I had never met her. But another of his cousins was going out with a girl for 5 months so she wasn't invited either and they kicked up murder over it - she had never met the bride or groom and wasn't exactly a long term partner so she wasn't invited. I would always respect the bride and grooms decision even if I didn't agree with it. Weddings bring out the worst in some people. My future MIL is top of that list - hence the reason we are not married 8 years later. Try to forget about it now and look forward to the day, you'll have enough going on without worrying about him. Have a fab wedding day x

swervring · 11-02-2016 12:02pm

I think its stuff like this that makes my oh not want to get married at all. The bride and groom should be able to decide how they want their wedding to be, end of story.
There should be no question of needing to justify the groom's daughter being a guest and having a plus one, she may be under 18 she could be three years old and it wouldnt make a difference, she is the grooms daughter and the third most important person at the entire wedding after the bride and groom. As for having a plus one, well obviously she should have someone to spend the day with!
As for the cousin, if she was invited there would probably be another fuss because she'd want to have a plus one, and then all the other cousins would want one too, and then that would be an extra 30 people at the wedding. It has to stop somewhere and the OP and her fiancé can ask whoever they want. Each to their own as to who you want at your wedding - but that's the whole point, it's who YOU want there.
And as for the brother in law, his behaviour was completely out of line. Even if some of the commenters who think its a deeper issue about the OP not being close to the family have a point, the way he behaved isnt exactly how you go about building a relationship. Not that I think there is anything wrong with not being close to his family, every family and every relationship is different.
OP have a fabulous hen and a wonderful wedding with the people you want around you xx

swervring · 11-02-2016 12:03pm

I think its stuff like this that makes my oh not want to get married at all. The bride and groom should be able to decide how they want their wedding to be, end of story.
There should be no question of needing to justify the groom's daughter being a guest and having a plus one, she may be under 18 she could be three years old and it wouldnt make a difference, she is the grooms daughter and the third most important person at the entire wedding after the bride and groom. As for having a plus one, well obviously she should have someone to spend the day with!
As for the cousin, if she was invited there would probably be another fuss because she'd want to have a plus one, and then all the other cousins would want one too, and then that would be an extra 30 people at the wedding. It has to stop somewhere and the OP and her fiancé can ask whoever they want. Each to their own as to who you want at your wedding - but that's the whole point, it's who YOU want there.
And as for the brother in law, his behaviour was completely out of line. Even if some of the commenters who think its a deeper issue about the OP not being close to the family have a point, the way he behaved isnt exactly how you go about building a relationship. Not that I think there is anything wrong with not being close to his family, every family and every relationship is different.
OP have a fabulous hen and a wonderful wedding with the people you want around you xx

Penny Dreadful · 11-02-2016 12:07pm

Jbubs wrote: »

OP I completely agree with you in regards to the future in laws. We are together 8 years and my future hubby has 1 sister and I would invite her to my hens, but that would be it from his side and I see no problem with that. I would only want my nearest and dearest at my hens. When I was with my partner about 4 or 5 months he received an invitation to his cousins wedding and I wasn't invited which never bothered me in the slightest as I had never met her. But another of his cousins was going out with a girl for 5 months so she wasn't invited either and they kicked up murder over it - she had never met the bride or groom and wasn't exactly a long term partner so she wasn't invited. I would always respect the bride and grooms decision even if I didn't agree with it. Weddings bring out the worst in some people. My future MIL is top of that list - hence the reason we are not married 8 years later. Try to forget about it now and look forward to the day, you'll have enough going on without worrying about him. Have a fab wedding day x

I didn't particularly want a hens before my wedding but went along with it because my sisters thought it the weirdest thing to not have one. My husband has one sister who I didn't invite to it. We live a long long way away from each other and other than my husband have absolutely nothing in common and so I just didn't invite her. My sister and my mother thought it odd but its never cost me a thought. I don't think she cared overly much either.

With regard to cousins being invited to our wedding I suggested that only one cousin from each family (or none from those he wasn't close to and perhpas two from those he was close to) was invited and IF they had a long term boyfriend/girlfriend they be invited too. Anyone who was casually dating someone didn't get a plus one.
My parents in law thought this was a dreadful state of affairs - they really were of the opinion that ALL relations would be invited. There wasn't a hope in hell that I was going to go along with that and pay for all those random people to come to dinner. I felt the exact same way about my own extended family too.
I love how other people think they can dictate your wedding plans and spend.:rolleyes:

Sunny Dayz · 11-02-2016 1:07pm

OK firstly I don't think it should even be up for discussion that the OP's future step daughter goes to the wedding - it's a given really that she would attend - why wouldn't you have you child/step child at your wedding, regardless of age. As she is a bit older, she is perfectly entitled to have a plus one with her, there's only so many conversations you can have with your older relatives.

OP yourself and your hubbie to be a have rightly set out your stall - no kids at the wedding and the daughter is a given! However the BIL's comment about her friend worries me more - that's an awful thing to say about a teenage girl by a grown man! At that age you would much prefer to bring a female friend as there's less pressure (romantically) and more fun getting ready and enjoying being slightly more grown up at a wedding!

Sunny Dayz · 11-02-2016 1:08pm

I don't get why people assume their children should be invited to other people's weddings. When we were growing up, the only children at a wedding was the page boy and flower girl (and sometimes their siblings if it was a small family). I was at one wedding as a child when I was flower girl. Every other wedding my parents went to without us and we were minded by a relative on the other side of the family.

Still to this day I'm more of a little or no children at weddings type of person. At our own wedding we had our son there and my husband's nieces and nephews (6 in total). It was great for our son that his cousins were there for company. However we haven't brought him to any other weddings, bar the church part of one local wedding. Weddings are expensive for guests to attend - if I'm going to a wedding I want to make the most of it!

haveringchick · 11-02-2016 1:35pm

esforum wrote: »

Oh dont take up something I never said, his attitude and manner sucks in a major way as does his comments about the daughters friend. I dont disagree on that one iota. I just feel that the feelings and reasoning behind his dreunken childish rant had merit

It's naive and unrealistic to think that there always a "backstory " to an argument
There's not always 2 sides to the story
Sometimes people are just total d***heads
I've been very drunk and very angry over things and I've been argumentative but I've never been abusive like this guy was
This couple are not a pair of tender teenagers getting married and needing the approval of both families
Why should the OP "humour" this man or anyone else for that matter?
He's not involved in her day to day life?
She hasn't known him long?

esforum · 12-02-2016 2:58pm

haveringchick wrote: »

It's naive and unrealistic to think that there always a "backstory " to an argument
There's not always 2 sides to the story
Sometimes people are just total d***heads
I've been very drunk and very angry over things and I've been argumentative but I've never been abusive like this guy was
This couple are not a pair of tender teenagers getting married and needing the approval of both families
Why should the OP "humour" this man or anyone else for that matter?
He's not involved in her day to day life?
She hasn't known him long?

Where you answering me? Becaiuse I dont think anything you asked reflects back to my comment.

Its no secret, hes pissed off because his daughter, a niece of the person getting married is not invited and she is hurt by this. Theres no secret, a father is backing his daugher.

Everyone here says "Oh the grooms daughter is of course so important, its his daughter" but then expect another father to just ignore his daughters feelings. Why? Shes hurt, shes offended and her father agrees with her.

Now, you can harp on and on about how he stated it but dont bother doing it to me as I have already stated I did not agree with his manner. His comments were childish and unfair.

My own opinion? The OP isnt a 'family are close' person and thats reflected here. She didnt invite her partners sister to the hen ffs! My brother in law flew from Madrid to my stag in London. Are we best pals? No but hes my ****ing brother in law and he doesnt hurt anyone to invite them, was there a limit on seats? in reverse I didnt attend another brother in laws event, someone I would be friendly with. I was invited but this and that just made attending impossible. No drama, no issues and no fuss. Not inviting, well that to me just reflects back on the OP and her attitude towards the grooms family.

my own opinion based on my family and my wifes family and our wedding of which also included a daughter from a previous relationship? The OP can elope for all I care but asking that people not be offended as a result of being exluded? You cant. You cant completely avoid that if you are going to chop blood relatives out. (I would also consider my niece a pretty close relative, far more than a lot of my cousins but again thats my opinion)

Now, having said all that all I can do is repeat my last statement, the brother in entitled to his opinion as is the OP. The OP can say no kids and thats that but likewise the brother can take offence and not attend or speak to them every again if he so chooses, thats his choice.

I foresee issues along the way if there continues to be a void between the OP and what will soon be part of her family. A family rift or fighting never does anyone any good, it makes events arkward as we can see here and causing more splits as time goes by because aunt mary agrees with me but uncle joe agrees with sam and so on. If its a wife V his family, the family will back family and it will only get worse. Maybe not for her but I would assume for him. Christmas would be a really great event then wouldlnt it? But then maybe he also shares her opinion about family and both are happy to spend Christmas alone, I dunno nor really, do I care.

Broken Strings · 12-02-2016 3:37pm

I don't think OP's future BIL has the right to be offended at this situation though, especially seeing as he did the exact same. Didn't invite OP's stepdaughter to his own wedding but there were other kids there?

Completely hypocritical for him to get up in arms over something he's already done himself.

That's not any sort of reflection on OP's decision btw! It's just an observation that BIL seems like a hypocrite based on his own past decisions.

intheclouds · 12-02-2016 4:52pm

esforum wrote: »

Its no secret, hes pissed off because his daughter, a niece of the person getting married is not invited and she is hurt by this. Theres no secret, a father is backing his daugher.

Everyone here says "Oh the grooms daughter is of course so important, its his daughter" but then expect another father to just ignore his daughters feelings. Why? Shes hurt, shes offended and her father agrees with her.

This is ridiculous. Its the grooms wedding. Can you not see the difference here? I would expect the other father to be an adult and explain to his daughter that peoples wedding guest lists are their own business and not to feel slighted.

esforum wrote: »

My own opinion? The OP isnt a 'family are close' person and thats reflected here. She didnt invite her partners sister to the hen ffs! My brother in law flew from Madrid to my stag in London. Are we best pals? No but hes my ****ing brother in law and he doesnt hurt anyone to invite them, was there a limit on seats? in reverse I didnt attend another brother in laws event, someone I would be friendly with. I was invited but this and that just made attending impossible. No drama, no issues and no fuss. Not inviting, well that to me just reflects back on the OP and her attitude towards the grooms family.

Not everyone wants to invite strangers to their parties. People who take issue with not being invited to things need to grow up and stop behaving like schoolchildren. Its the same people who complain about this that think they have some say over other peoples wedding guest lists.

esforum wrote: »

my own opinion based on my family and my wifes family and our wedding of which also included a daughter from a previous relationship? The OP can elope for all I care but asking that people not be offended as a result of being exluded? You cant. You cant completely avoid that if you are going to chop blood relatives out. (I would also consider my niece a pretty close relative, far more than a lot of my cousins but again thats my opinion)

Now, having said all that all I can do is repeat my last statement, the brother in entitled to his opinion as is the OP. The OP can say no kids and thats that but likewise the brother can take offence and not attend or speak to them every again if he so chooses, thats his choice.

Blood relatives - once someone uses this as any kind of reasoning theyve lost me. There is no reason why someone who happens to share some tiny bit of DNA with you should be invited to anything.

esforum wrote: »

I foresee issues along the way if there continues to be a void between the OP and what will soon be part of her family. A family rift or fighting never does anyone any good, it makes events arkward as we can see here and causing more splits as time goes by because aunt mary agrees with me but uncle joe agrees with sam and so on. If its a wife V his family, the family will back family and it will only get worse. Maybe not for her but I would assume for him. Christmas would be a really great event then wouldlnt it? But then maybe he also shares her opinion about family and both are happy to spend Christmas alone, I dunno nor really, do I care.

Oh please, anyone would be better off out of what you describe. My own family of origin behaved like that re family rifts and so I simply detached myself from all of them. Genuinely dont know or care if any aunts/uncles/cousins etc are dead or alive and my Christmasses have been wonderful as a result, not having to pander to idiots who think "blood" means some kind of special relationship and who like to have dramatic rifts and nonsensical behaviour. Now I just surround myself with people who are not idiots. The OP will no doubt do the same.

Liamario · 12-02-2016 4:58pm

It's your wedding, so it's your decision. You've applied the rule across the board and fairly.
Maybe consider allowing them to the afters? This may have been suggested already of course

esforum · 12-02-2016 5:14pm

intheclouds wrote: »

This is ridiculous. Its the grooms wedding. Can you not see the difference here? I would expect the other father to be an adult and explain to his daughter that peoples wedding guest lists are their own business and not to feel slighted.

Have you children? Do you side with strangers over them on a regular basis? Again people see the trees but miss the forest. Your own children are important to you, nothing more important and when they are hurt, you hurt. Thats my point.

intheclouds wrote: »

Not everyone wants to invite strangers to their parties. People who take issue with not being invited to things need to grow up and stop behaving like schoolchildren. Its the same people who complain about this that think they have some say over other peoples wedding guest lists.

Stranger? really? Your brother in law is a stranger? Your niece is a stranger? Who do you class as family?

intheclouds wrote: »

Blood relatives - once someone uses this as any kind of reasoning theyve lost me. There is no reason why someone who happens to share some tiny bit of DNA with you should be invited to anything.

there is I believe, some 180 people attending this wedding is there not? How many are based on blood? And you chossing to take the term blood relative in that manner, well what can I say? My experience is that family will be around a lot longer than friends.

intheclouds wrote: »

Oh please, anyone would be better off out of what you describe. My own family of origin behaved like that re family rifts and so I simply detached myself from all of them. Genuinely dont know or care if any aunts/uncles/cousins etc are dead or alive and my Christmasses have been wonderful as a result, not having to pander to idiots who think "blood" means some kind of special relationship and who like to have dramatic rifts and nonsensical behaviour. Now I just surround myself with people who are not idiots. The OP will no doubt do the same.

Blood does mean a special relationship. Its a biological relationship for starters and tends in most families to mean the people you have known your entire life and in many cases the people that will love and support you when others do not.

You chose to exclude family, I think thats sad but thats your life and you can do as you please. Your comments would however suggest you dont have children, when you do we will chat again about family

Milly33 · 12-02-2016 5:54pm

Dear lord just catching up on this, bit OTT there esforum!!

Everyone is different regarding families you by the sounds of it are one extreme and the OP is the other..
Nothing wrong with either but a bit nasty of you to push your opinions on them and make them seem bad for thinking they way they do.. Really think you have been overly harsh...

The OP has already gone through it over and over again that the family isn't exactly close that she has only meet her brother in law once or twice...So there isn't any love lost, even with the two brothers doesn't seem like that are overly close, some families again or just not that close..

And it is their day so if they don't want kids OMG shock horror disbelieve it is their decision. The child will get over it, it is the parents in most cases cause the strive.. Yes grown ups, the kids couldn't give a hoot I am sure they would much prefer to be over at their friends house for the night.

Saying stuff like the OP doesn't have kids or suggestion something like that is a bot nasty.. How do you know! and who cares if you did, you don't know what you could bring on from comments like that... and I don't think you have much right to make them to someone you don't know.

"Blood does mean a special relationship. Its a biological relationship for starters and tends in most families to mean the people you have known your entire life and in many cases the people that will love and support you when others do not"

Sorry but that is a load of waffle. Yes having family is great but just because they are blood does not mean you like them, get along with them, or that you would not feel the kinda family love with anyone but family....

kunst nugget · 12-02-2016 6:04pm

esforum wrote: »

Have you children? Do you side with strangers over them on a regular basis? Again people see the trees but miss the forest. Your own children are important to you, nothing more important and when they are hurt, you hurt. Thats my point.

Stranger? really? Your brother in law is a stranger? Your niece is a stranger? Who do you class as family?

there is I believe, some 180 people attending this wedding is there not? How many are based on blood? And you chossing to take the term blood relative in that manner, well what can I say? My experience is that family will be around a lot longer than friends.

Blood does mean a special relationship. Its a biological relationship for starters and tends in most families to mean the people you have known your entire life and in many cases the people that will love and support you when others do not.

You chose to exclude family, I think thats sad but thats your life and you can do as you please. Your comments would however suggest you dont have children, when you do we will chat again about family

I have children and frankly, I think this is nonsense. My children have been and not been at various family weddings. That has never once bothered me - I respect the wishes of the bride and groom, which is what the brother in law should be doing.

This 'blood thicker than water' argument does nothing but cause rows and forces people to make arrangements for their wedding that they would much rather not do. There is absolutely no question that the groom's daughter should be there on the day to witness her father's happiness and the couple have every right to let her have a friend along for company and not invite nieces and nephews. If her niece is in a strop about it, that's her prerogative. The sooner she finds that you can't always get what you want, the better.

Let the bride and groom decide what they want to do on the day. It's their day not anybody else.

haveringchick · 12-02-2016 6:13pm

esforum wrote: »

Have you children? Do you side with strangers over them on a regular basis? Again people see the trees but miss the forest. Your own children are important to you, nothing more important and when they are hurt, you hurt. Thats my point.

Stranger? really? Your brother in law is a stranger? Your niece is a stranger? Who do you class as family?

there is I believe, some 180 people attending this wedding is there not? How many are based on blood? And you chossing to take the term blood relative in that manner, well what can I say? My experience is that family will be around a lot longer than friends.

Blood does mean a special relationship. Its a biological relationship for starters and tends in most families to mean the people you have known your entire life and in many cases the people that will love and support you when others do not.

You chose to exclude family, I think thats sad but thats your life and you can do as you please. Your comments would however suggest you dont have children, when you do we will chat again about family

I have children.
Nobody ever loved anything as much as I love my daughter
I'm afraid though that I found it necessary to explain to her that in this life sometimes you won't be invited to the party, you might feel hurt, but that's just life.
It's classy and dignified to take it on the chin, wish the hosts the best of good luck and walk away with your head held high
If my husband had behaved as this BIL did, having a tantrum and making a holy show of himself, my daughter would be mortified

intheclouds · 12-02-2016 6:13pm

esforum wrote: »

Have you children? Do you side with strangers over them on a regular basis? Again people see the trees but miss the forest. Your own children are important to you, nothing more important and when they are hurt, you hurt. Thats my point.

Ah, so the OP is a stranger to the BIL when it suits then?

It is the adults role to explain to the child why they should not feel hurt, not to blindly side with them like an idiot.

esforum wrote: »

Stranger? really? Your brother in law is a stranger? Your niece is a stranger? Who do you class as family?

The OP has already clarified that she is not close to the BIL.

Who I class as family is completely irrelevant. I dont think about things in terms of "family", I think about things in terms of people I am close to, be they blood related or not.

esforum wrote: »

there is I believe, some 180 people attending this wedding is there not? How many are based on blood? And you chossing to take the term blood relative in that manner, well what can I say? My experience is that family will be around a lot longer than friends.

Good for you. I have the opposite experience.

esforum wrote: »

Blood does mean a special relationship. Its a biological relationship for starters and tends in most families to mean the people you have known your entire life and in many cases the people that will love and support you when others do not.

This is pretty naive. Many people are physically abused, sexually abused, mentally abused, neglected, treated like dirt etc.....by family members. Just because you are related to someone you dont have to like them. The biological link is irrelevant.

esforum wrote: »

You chose to exclude family, I think thats sad but thats your life and you can do as you please. Your comments would however suggest you dont have children, when you do we will chat again about family

I choose to exclude toxic individuals, it is irrelevant if they are family or not.

The OP is free to exclude whoever she likes from her wedding.

Milly33 · 12-02-2016 6:13pm

Well said!!! OP just remember and sing along to it "ITS ALL ABOUT YE"

jungleman · 12-02-2016 7:05pm

esforum wrote: »

Your own children are important to you, nothing more important and when they are hurt, you hurt. Thats my point.

If a child is "hurt" by not being invited to an adult wedding then they need to get their head checked.

retro:electro · 12-02-2016 7:09pm

jungleman wrote: »

If a child is "hurt" by not being invited to an adult wedding then they need to get their head checked.

I agree. Mostly from what I've seen though the child rarely actually gives a toss. It's more the parents insulted that precious Ava didn't receive an invite. If the child is ever annoyed it's usually secondary annoyance projected from the parents. It never originates in the child.

theoldbreed · 12-02-2016 9:08pm

esforum wrote:

My own opinion? The OP isnt a 'family are close' person and thats reflected here. She didnt invite her partners sister to the hen ffs! My brother in law flew from Madrid to my stag in London. Are we best pals? No but hes my ****ing brother in law and he doesnt hurt anyone to invite them, was there a limit on seats? in reverse I didnt attend another brother in laws event, someone I would be friendly with. I was invited but this and that just made attending impossible. No drama, no issues and no fuss. Not inviting, well that to me just reflects back on the OP and her attitude towards the grooms family.

Ah seriously will you stop being so dramatic. I am a family are close person, I am very close to my own family, I'm not with his but I've nothing against them. They are perfectly nice people. He has a relationship with them, that matters.You haven't a clue what kind of person I am. You think you have me sussed from a few posts on boards. You have a serious chip on your shoulder about this, the anger in your posts is bizarre.

My partner has no sisters. I've said this before. I didn't invite his sister in law but to be honest I may as well invite you.

To say that blood automatically makes someone special is nonsense. I know many people whose friends are more important to them than family for various reasons.

Toots · 12-02-2016 10:44pm

esforum, your comments are getting way too personal. Do not post in this thread again.

Everyone, less of the sniping please. The thread is on seriously thin ice, this will be the last warning I post. If posters can't stay on topic and civil, the thread will be closed.

Keane2baMused · 15-02-2016 12:39am

OP your BIL's behaviour was bang out of order. I have personal experience of backlash from a drunken BIL (to be) myself and let me tell you, you were absolutely right in throwing him out of the car. Like my BIL I never got an apology (and knew I wouldn't) and since then I vowed to have nothing to do with him. I will be perfectly civil if I have to see him, he will still be invited to our wedding for my fiancés sake (and is a groomsman ick!) but I could care less if I ever lay eyes on him again after how I was spoken to. Alcohol is not an excuse for that behaviour. It is your day and if you want to invite all of your local circus and not the kids that is your choice. Anyone who takes issue with that needs a dose of cop on.

It is perfectly normal and acceptable for you stepdaughter to have her own plus one and you don't need to justify it. The simple fact that your own stepdaughter wasn't invited to their wedding should actually have given him the assumption that his daughter would not receive an invitation to yours, especially given they do not get along!! And as they say if you ask one you have to ask them all or someone will get their backs up!

My own cousin got married recently and he invited certain cousins who he was very close to and not the rest. I wasn't invited and this was absolutely fine and I took zero offence. One family member took serious offence however, there is always one!!

Enjoy your day and forget about his ranting.

Citygirl1 · 15-02-2016 8:40pm

anna080 wrote: »

I agree. Mostly from what I've seen though the child rarely actually gives a toss. It's more the parents insulted that precious Ava didn't receive an invite. If the child is ever annoyed it's usually secondary annoyance projected from the parents. It never originates in the child.

I'd agree with this.

I remember years ago, when I was around 19/20 one of my cousins was getting married. Apparently, soon after she became engaged my Aunt whispered to my Mum that they would be inviting "the eldest cousin from each family". My parents took this as the plan, so I would be invited!

A year later when the invitations were issued, one arrived in the post for my parents, but none for me.

My parents were for weeks convinced that my invitation was lost in the post. To me it was clear that I wasn't invited. I can only assume that my Aunt made this early "decision" without speaking to her daughter, who was paying for the wedding.

I was really perfectly easy on the whole issue, as none of the other elder cousins were invited. However, to my parents it was quite a big issue! Of course, they had more class than to go asking....

Gatica · 19-02-2016 12:38pm

esforum wrote: »

...you have basically said "We value our own child but not yours" when stating a 16 year old cannot attend even though another 2 already are. Or put it another way, from the nieces point of view, theres a random stranger being invited to a wedding thats shes not and the reason she is not allowed is her age despite being the same age as the random stranger (random stranger being the daughters friend).

That leads me to point nnumber 2, why invite a friend to entertain your partners daughter when she could have had cousins her own age in attendance?

Now point number three, the brother may be that, your partners brother but his daughter is his daughter. children will always win in a test of loyalty.

I think the OP has made it clear that the daughter and the cousin don't get on, so why would they subject her to having to rely on the company of a cousin she doesn't like when she could have her bff there instead?
Also, I think every parent would value their own child above anyone else's child. I don't see what's so amazing about that. No one is making the BIL choose between his daughter and the wedding, she's simply not invited to it. Now, if he wants to throw a little tantrum because of that, that's his prerogative.

Shop40 wrote: »

I got married back in 08, didn't have much money and worried about the numbers, but our nieces and nephews were invited as it was an important family occasion. They really didn't cost much extra, a few chicken & chips dinners!

....if one more person mentions savings due to the chips and nuggets for a 16 year old menu again... :rolleyes::eek:

esforum wrote: »

and if thats how you feel for future relatives, god help christmas when you invite everyone over but tell nieces and nephews to **** off.

but it's not xmas, it's a wedding party.

esforum wrote: »

I said at the start they can invite who they want but ya know, theres things called being nice, being civil, having regards for your family and yes, nieces and nephews are family (unlike the teenagers friend).

yes, and maybe the BIL should start by remembering that first?? rather than ranting at his future SIL.

esforum wrote: »

The niece if correctly in my opinion, offended and as the father of said child, he is backing his daughter in this family row.

there was no family row until the BIL started it as far as we know. His daughter wasn't even there, so I dunno who he was supposed to be backing there.

OP, I also thought there was more than one person/comment about justifying your step-daughters presence, so don't sweat it... comes across like that when reading pages and pages of threads and something crops up more than once.
My OH didn't have first cousins at our wedding, some of them he doesn't know from Adam, cos it's a big family. However, I had a second cousin there who we're close to. It's just different family sizes, dynamics and people are close to different people in their extended family. Nothing unusual about prioritising those we're close over those that are simply "more-related".

mmooney1983 · 21-02-2016 4:01pm

We are not having kids at our wedding. Mainly to give the mums a break - they are all delighted and can't wait to let the hair down. There's a baby and a hyper (verging on ADHD) nephew in the mix so we just said none at all and said it was the venue's policy to one aunt who asked if such and such could bring the child. Nobody cares. I certainly don't care. If it's too much hassle to come for parents we wouldn't be upset if they couldn't. It's our day and we don't want anyone put out so while we really want everyone to come, it's an invitation - not a summons.
As an aside I was only saying the other day to someone that since Facebook (or maybe earlier) people are absolutely obsessed with their kids and seem to think everything they do is amazing etc and that we must surely all adore their kids as much as they do. When I was a kid I was very loved and encouraged etc but janey macs we were all second class citizens compared to the grown ups and the wooden spoon was never far from the parents' hands if we stepped out of line! I can't imagine my mother in the 80s giving two s^&*s if she was invited to a wedding and kids weren't allowed.

fed up sick and tired · 21-02-2016 6:14pm

The Eighties were sh1te though, so let's not go back to that.

haveringchick · 21-02-2016 8:49pm

fed up sick and tired wrote: »

The Eighties were sh1te though, so let's not go back to that.

The Eighties were the absolute BOMB!!!
Weddings lasted 1 day not 3
They didn't cost a Kings ransom to attend
Food was hot delicious and plentiful
Pretentiousness was at an all time low
Bride and groom didn't disappear for 3 1/2 hours to get photos taken
Great bands and no
Photo booth
Sweet stall
Chocolate fountain
Ice cream van
"Favours"
Invitations which included not so subtle demands for hard cash

That's it
Good times

kunst nugget · 21-02-2016 10:03pm

haveringchick wrote: »

The Eighties were the absolute BOMB!!!
Weddings lasted 1 day not 3
They didn't cost a Kings ransom to attend
Food was hot delicious and plentiful
Pretentiousness was at an all time low
Bride and groom didn't disappear for 3 1/2 hours to get photos taken
Great bands and no
Photo booth
Sweet stall
Chocolate fountain
Ice cream van
"Favours"
Invitations which included not so subtle demands for hard cash

That's it
Good times

And if you were the bride and groom, you had to feck off and leave your own wedding early. Feck that nonsense.

OldMrBrennan83 · 21-02-2016 10:10pm

This post has been deleted.

Keane2baMused · 21-02-2016 10:16pm

haveringchick wrote: »

The Eighties were the absolute BOMB!!!
Weddings lasted 1 day not 3
They didn't cost a Kings ransom to attend
Food was hot delicious and plentiful
Pretentiousness was at an all time low
Bride and groom didn't disappear for 3 1/2 hours to get photos taken
Great bands and no
Photo booth
Sweet stall
Chocolate fountain
Ice cream van
"Favours"
Invitations which included not so subtle demands for hard cash

That's it
Good times

This. My parents were an eighties bride and groom. They had 27 people there and in a relatively local hotel. They all ordered a la carte and the hotel happened to have a band playing that night so they had a great shindig for little cost.

Sligo1 · 21-02-2016 10:58pm

haveringchick wrote: »

The Eighties were the absolute BOMB!!!
Weddings lasted 1 day not 3
They didn't cost a Kings ransom to attend
Food was hot delicious and plentiful
Pretentiousness was at an all time low
Bride and groom didn't disappear for 3 1/2 hours to get photos taken
Great bands and no
Photo booth
Sweet stall
Chocolate fountain
Ice cream van
"Favours"
Invitations which included not so subtle demands for hard cash

That's it
Good times

You forgot to add the music was a million times better aswell!!

Toots · 21-02-2016 11:09pm

It would appear that despite my numerous warnings on the thread, people are unable to stay on topic and behave themselves, so I'm locking this thread.

Theoldbreed, if you need to post an update or anything, drop me a PM and let me know.

haveringchick permabanned; enough is enough.

Patww79 comments like that are not permitted on this forum. Please ensure you read and follow the charter before posting here.

No children at wedding drama [READ POST #1 FIRST - MOD]

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