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Deep hatred for my brother....

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  • 18-05-2019 8:43pm
    #1
    laurenceltic
    Registered Users Posts: 38 ✭


    As the title says. I'm trying to find a way past this.
    I'm 31 years old but back when I was 11 or 12 my brother made me touch his penis & used to rub up against me. He tried to put his hand on my vagina a few times but I stopped him. I don't think I really knew what was going on. I mean I didn't know much about sex etc. Anyway we used to get on well but has I got around 17, 18 I totally withdrew & became depressed. I've suffered from anxiety/depression for years which I'm on meds for.

    Sometimes I think maybe I'm jealous of him in a way, he literally started online dating & within a week moved in with a lady & there married now. Ever since I was young I've always dreamed about getting married & having kids etc.

    I just feel myself getting completely overwhelmed with hatred for him. Anytime I see him when he visits parents etc & my family think the world of him. I just can't seem to forget, it was so long ago but comparing my life to his now.... It's just all worked out for him.


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    #2
    IvoryTower
    Registered Users Posts: 3,825 ✭✭✭IvoryTower


    What age was he when that happened


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    #3
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    Did you ever go to counselling over this?


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    #4
    laurenceltic
    Registered Users Posts: 38 ✭laurenceltic


    Around 16, 17


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    #5
    laurenceltic
    Registered Users Posts: 38 ✭laurenceltic


    I mentioned it to a counsellor once but she dismissed it, probably my fault. I didn't say it was my brother.
    I have my second CBT appointment next week so think I'll try to offload. I definitely have deep issues with self esteem/self image she said we are going to work on.


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    #6
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    Regardless of who sexually abused you, it should not have been dismissed like that. Sexual abuse can leave a lot of scars.


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    #7
    laurenceltic
    Registered Users Posts: 38 ✭laurenceltic


    Well with that particular counsellor I literally got 6 free sessions with. I haven't told my CBT therapist but will try to this week.
    I have definitely been better last couple of years eg I went from not leaving my bedroom for two years to getting out & about on my own. Also just finished a college course which I'm proud of.
    Another thing is he hates if I do anything & it works out. Like getting on the course & actually completing it. I passed my driving test two weeks ago. My mum & other brother all said oh well done congratulations. He was there.... went silent & changed the subject. I used to think maybe all this is in my head. Maybe he's not angry anytime he sees me happy but even I brother mentioned today that he is still raging I past my test


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    #8
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 26,052 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    You were a young child. What happened you was definitely not your fault, and no one should ever make you feel it was. You're the innocent here, you did nothing wrong.

    You deserve to be loved and happy and finding a way forward probably includes disclosing the events to a trusted doctor or counsellor. I hope you find someone you feel safe enough with to do just that. Best of luck.

    Just remember, and remind yourself often that it wasn't your fault in any way.


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    #9
    laurenceltic
    Registered Users Posts: 38 ✭laurenceltic


    Sorry I realize how childish all that sounds but that's the way it is


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    #10
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 26,052 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    It doesn't sound childish. Your brother probably behaves the way he does because he knows you 'know' what he is, and have the power to tell people and alert them to the kind of beast he is. So it's in his interest to see you paralysed by issues that keep you withdrawn and silent, and he doesn't feel comfortable with outward signs of your success in case it means the status quo changes. That's probably why he's raging you passed your driving test, or do anything that brings you out of the darkness.

    You're entitled to feel negatively towards him, he hurt you. How he behaves now is his problem.Don't let him play any part in how you live your life, it belongs to you alone.


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    #11
    up for anything
    Registered Users Posts: 5,776 ✭✭✭up for anything


    laurenceltic wrote: »
    Another thing is he hates if I do anything & it works out.

    Your brother is a man living with a ticking time bomb... you. He remembers well what he did to you and made you do and knows well now that he is to blame and that you could easily report him to the guards. It suits him well to have you upset and emotionally unsettled because he probably thinks then that you won't have the ability to report him. Whereas if he sees you succeeding at things it probably worries him that you are building confidence and might use it against him.


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    #12
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    Please don't keep this to yourself. Your therapist will be able to help you better if you tell them what your brother did to you.


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    #13
    laurenceltic
    Registered Users Posts: 38 ✭laurenceltic


    Thank you everyone!!!
    Think I may just write it down & show therapist


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    #14
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    laurenceltic wrote: »
    Thank you everyone!!!
    Think I may just write it down & show therapist

    That's a good idea. I think it's very important that you tell your therapist about this. If you feel you can't say it to their face, writing it down is the next best thing. For what it's worth, I intensely dislike your brother too and I've (hopefully) never met him. The good thing about your post is that you are getting better. Hopefully your life will continue to improve and that you will go on to lead a life you're proud of. He's still the dark soul who sexually abused his sister.


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    #15
    laurenceltic
    Registered Users Posts: 38 ✭laurenceltic


    Thank you guys!! Xx

    If I do tell therapist, can she share it? I don't want it to go any further. Just want to find better ways of coping myself


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    #16
    Dirkziggler
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 948 ✭✭✭Dirkziggler


    laurenceltic wrote: »
    Thank you guys!! Xx

    If I do tell therapist, can she share it? I don't want it to go any further. Just want to find better ways of coping myself

    She may be obliged to share it with police.


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    #17
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    Discuss it with her. I know they're obliged to report some things to the authorities but perhaps discretion can be used here. It was a one-off incident rather than ongoing abuse. Tell her it was done to you but you don't want to say who it was. I really think you need to tell somebody what was done to you though. It appears to be at the root of many (all?) your troubles today. You'll be doing yourself a huge disservice if you don't deal with it.


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    #18
    laurenceltic
    Registered Users Posts: 38 ✭laurenceltic


    Oh my god, I may have to rethink it..... I definitely can't risk it going any further honesty I can't


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    #19
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    Did your counsellor not explain their obligation at the start?

    I feel very strongly that you should bring this up with them. They don't have to report it to the authorities. Sound it out first - explain that it was a once off and that you don't wish to pursue it legally.


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    #20
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 26,052 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Nobody can force you to make a complaint to the police. IF your therapist is compelled to disclose this, nobody can discuss your therapy or force you to speak about it to anyone at all. It can be kept on file in case anything else happens but nobody can ever force you to make a formal complaint against your will.

    Please, please, do not let this put you off confiding in your therapist. You need to disclose this and get it out there so you can deal with it.


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    #21
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    The saddest thing about this is that you're the one who feels ashamed and scared. All over something that wasn't your fault.


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    #22
    laurenceltic
    Registered Users Posts: 38 ✭laurenceltic


    I'm sure she did I just don't remember, really never thought I'd be sharing it with her


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    #23
    Dirkziggler
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 948 ✭✭✭Dirkziggler


    laurenceltic wrote: »
    I'm sure she did I just don't remember, really never thought I'd be sharing it with her

    If you say you aren’t able to identify or say you refuse to disclose the name she can only report it as an anonymous claim.


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    #24
    wiggle16
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    I'd strongly encourage you to tell your counsellor also.

    By way of analogy, if you went to the hospital with a broken arm from a fall, the doctor can treat the broken arm. You wouldn't withhold from the doctor that the reason you fell is because you felt faint and dizzy all of a sudden, because the doctor needs the whole picture in order to treat you properly - the doctor can then run tests to see if you are hypoglycaemic, which they won't have done if you withhold from them the reason you fell. Maybe its a silly analogy but you can see what I mean!

    Disclosing to a counsellor that you were abused is not the same as making an allegation and you can decline to give any personal details of the person who abused you. You can't be forced to take it any further. Ask the counsellor to outline that procedures around disclosing abuse on their end.

    Fair play to you for taking the steps to confront this, I'm certain even posting it here was tough. As Ursus has said, it's very sad that you are the one experiencing shame and fear at the prospect of getting help for something that was not your fault.


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    #25
    Paddy Cow
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,576 ✭✭✭Paddy Cow


    laurenceltic wrote: »
    Thank you guys!! Xx

    If I do tell therapist, can she share it? I don't want it to go any further. Just want to find better ways of coping myself
    laurenceltic wrote: »
    Oh my god, I may have to rethink it..... I definitely can't risk it going any further honesty I can't
    If you give a name then your counsellor is obliged by law to report it. What you can do is say that a close family member sexually assaulted you and at this time you do not wish to disclose his name. That way you can start to process the trauma with your counsellor without worrying about opening up a can of worms you are not ready to deal with.

    What your brother did was not ok and you are not making a big deal out of it. I agree with others that your brother wants to keep you downtrodden. As long as you are depressed, he can paint you as someone unstable with mental health issues that no one should take seriously. If you become confident and assertive, then you become a threat to his perfect image.

    Don't let him win. Focus on your own recovery and definitely tell your counsellor. Unless they know the root cause of your problems, they will not be able to fully help you. It's like going to the doctor with a broken leg and saying you have a headache.

    I've been where you are. One counsellor was a b!tch who kept pushing for a name and because of that I couldn't trust her and ended up worse than when I started. She treated me more like a check list of what she thought she should do, rather than seeing me as a person. My second counsellor was amazing and never over stepped boundaries like that and really helped.

    Counsellors are people at the end of the day. Some are good and some should be struck off before they cause more harm than good. When you find the right one you'll know. You can also ring the rape crisis centre. They deal with a lot of cases like yours and not just rape. The Samaritans are also excellent for giving advice. They can give you options and explain each one.

    Take care of yourself and remember that none of this is your fault and you deserve to live a happy life :)


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    #26
    laurenceltic
    Registered Users Posts: 38 ✭laurenceltic


    Ok I've got it all wrote down, I said family member it's obviously a male. Going to give it to my therapist tomorrow so thank you all for your advice & encouragement, it means a lot xxxx


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    #27
    Dirkziggler
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 948 ✭✭✭Dirkziggler


    laurenceltic wrote: »
    Ok I've got it all wrote down, I said family member it's obviously a male. Going to give it to my therapist tomorrow so thank you all for your advice & encouragement, it means a lot xxxx

    Do yourself a favour also OP, if you get a free moment look into oneInFour

    I wish you all the luck in the world


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    #28
    laurenceltic
    Registered Users Posts: 38 ✭laurenceltic


    Couldn't have gone any better guys, huge relief xxx


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    #29
    Paddy Cow
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,576 ✭✭✭Paddy Cow


    laurenceltic wrote: »
    Couldn't have gone any better guys, huge relief xxx
    That's fantastic news :)


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    #30
    Dirkziggler
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 948 ✭✭✭Dirkziggler


    laurenceltic wrote: »
    Couldn't have gone any better guys, huge relief xxx

    That's the start you've needed well done give yourself a slap on the back and never forget your not the one in the wrong.


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