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Should I be upset?

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  • 11-03-2019 9:37am
    #1
    mcgregor2019
    Closed Accounts Posts: 21 ✭


    So I moved away from Ireland a couple of years ago promising my parents that I would regularly be back.Due to overseas work related commitments, that hasn’t been the case and I’ve only been home 3 times since 2013. The first of those times, I notified my childhood friend and best friend when I was going to school and we arranged to meet up for a pint.I gave a week’s notice and the message went as follows -

    “I’m home for 2 weeks,I’m very flexible,I don’t really have any plans while I'm home, only catching up with family and can meet whatever time and place matches with your free time.”

    That was cool, we met up one night and had a pint or two at the local and reminisced over some old stories and it meant a lot to me.Next time that I returned home, similar message sent, I clearly pointed out, once again, that I was fairly flexible and had almost 2 weeks in Ireland and hoping that he could squeeze in an hour or two for a coffee or a beer in any assigned location, really wherever suited him.He said that he’d get back to me, never did, and I left Ireland without seeing him.It upset me at the time, but I got on with it and kept telling myself that he was just busy.

    Last month,I arrived back again and notified him a few days in advance, message was similar to the others-

    “I’m home for 2 weeks, want to meet for a coffee or a beer?I’m flexible,I’ve no real plans, only catching up with family, I know that you work mornings and afternoons, so I can meet you sometime in the evening or at the weekend, whatever place and time suits."

    He took a few days to reply and said the following “I’ve already made plans and not sure if I will have the time to meet you,but I’ll let you know!” So I waited on his answer and nothing happened.I was disappointed leaving Ireland again and not getting the opportunity to see him or catch up with him.

    I’m expected home again,early next year,and I’m strongly considering not notifying him this time.Should I just accept that life has moved on and he’s busy and has other duties and commitments and that we’re not living in 2007 anymore?Why is it so difficult for some to squeeze in an hour or two for a coffee or a beer?How much notice should I give next time if I do decide to contact him for a meet up?Is a week in advance not long enough? It's not like he lives the other side of the country, he literally lives 10 minutes away.


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    #2
    LessOutragePlz
    Registered Users Posts: 1,359 ✭✭✭LessOutragePlz


    You should move this or post this to personal issues OP. You're not going to get the most helpful responses here in After Hours


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    #3
    BeerWolf
    Registered Users Posts: 4,122 ✭✭✭BeerWolf


    I'll gladly have a beer, your treat. ;)


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    #4
    B-D-P--
    Registered Users Posts: 1,167 ✭✭✭B-D-P--


    Did you text this person when you were in the country to remind them?

    Do they by any chance have young kids and simply cant meet up?

    Your free for 2 weeks, but that person still busy working in Ireland.


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    #5
    suicide_circus
    Registered Users Posts: 19,802 ✭✭✭✭suicide_circus


    relationships can die without constant work. he's moved on and he prioritises the people in his life who are around all the time.


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    #6
    Giveaway
    Closed Accounts Posts: 382 ✭✭Giveaway


    LessOutragePlz wrote: »
    You should move this or post this to personal issues OP. You're not going to get the most helpful responses here in After Hours
    His new wife is probably quite shocked by the NOTORIOUS behaviour of you and your entourage in Vegas and banned him fron going out with you.


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    #7
    bucketybuck
    Registered Users Posts: 18,160 ✭✭✭✭bucketybuck


    mcgregor2019 wrote: »
    Should I just accept that life has moved on and he’s busy and has other duties and commitments and that we’re not living in 2007 anymore?

    Yes.

    Do you ever contact him at any other time? Ever give him a call or get in touch? You were friends, now you're just some guy who shows up every couple of years, is it really so surprising that he sees little value in going for that pint?


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    #8
    Fr_Dougal
    Registered Users Posts: 9,167 ✭✭✭Fr_Dougal


    It prolly hurts him too much to say goodbye each time.

    Maybe you should tell him how you feel about him and see if he feels the same wai.


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    #9
    Loveinapril
    Registered Users Posts: 2,327 ✭✭✭Loveinapril


    mcgregor2019 wrote: »

    .Should I just accept that life has moved on and he’s busy and has other duties and commitments and that we’re not living in 2007 anymore?

    Yes. You moved away but his life is still here, so he is going about his usual business, while you are looking to disrupt that to suit your own needs. Why do you want to meet up when you are back? Is it to fill your time? Do you make any effort to stay in touch while you are away?


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    #10
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 13,712 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    He's Just Not That Into You.

    I can totally see where youre coming from and why this must be very frustrating to you, but yes, his life has probably moved on now.

    Having lived abroad, it's understandable that your perception of your friendship is somewhat frozen in time, but it seems he's drifted off from you.

    If anything, it seems to me he's trying not to offend you by spelling that out. If I were in your shoes, I'd still invite him for a pint once you're home, but would try not to take it too personally if he isn't up for it.

    I'm sure you've made lots of new friends and started new relationships since you left, but life goes on here too. Your friend's life hasn't been on freeze-frame over the past six years, just like yours hasn't.


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    #11
    Your Face
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,277 ✭✭✭Your Face


    A lot of time had passed.
    You've been home 3 times in 5 years.

    You mentioned 2007, alluding to that as a time when you and your friend used to hang out.
    That's a long time.

    You might have good memories of him and to you nothing has changed as your last memories of him are of that time.
    To him a lot has changed because he is still here and has lived through any changes.

    People change.


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    #12
    Tell me how
    Registered Users Posts: 21,520 ✭✭✭✭Tell me how


    Is this the only time he hears from you? When you are home and available to meet.

    That's not a friendship it's a history revision class.


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    #13
    TG1
    Registered Users Posts: 1,920 ✭✭✭TG1


    What you need to remember is when you are home that's the no. 1 thing in your life.

    His life is as usual,work job family friends hobbies etc.

    Priorities change over the years and friendships just kind of fizzle out a bit. I wouldn't take it personally.

    I have a friend living abroad, a really good friend, we what's app every other day, call each other most weeks, and when she comes home I meet up if I can, but it doesn't always happen as we live a good few counties apart.

    Doesn't mean I don't miss having her round, it just means I can't drop my life to suit her flights every time. She gets it and when it does work out for the two of us we make the most of it


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    #14
    mcgregor2019
    Closed Accounts Posts: 21 ✭mcgregor2019


    TG1 wrote: »
    What you need to remember is when you are home that's the no. 1 thing in your life.

    His life is as usual,work job family friends hobbies etc.

    Priorities change over the years and friendships just kind of fizzle out a bit. I wouldn't take it personally.

    I have a friend living abroad, a really good friend, we what's app every other day, call each other most weeks, and when she comes home I meet up if I can, but it doesn't always happen as we live a good few counties apart.



    Doesn't mean I don't miss having her round, it just means I can't drop my life to suit her flights every time. She gets it and when it does work out for the two of us we make the most of it

    Yeah, you're right, it just a while to realize that things have changed (a lot) over the years and I just assumed that we would be able to pick up where exactly we left off a few years ago, but relationships, work commitments and other stuff get in the way and things easily build up. Totally understandable now, though we have communicated on social media over the years, it's not the same kind of face to face friendship


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    #15
    Sephiroth_dude
    Moderators, Computer Games Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 80,032 Mod ✭✭✭✭Sephiroth_dude


    Mod

    OP I'm Gonna move this to PI as I think its better suited there

    Please read PI charter before posting


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    #16
    mcgregor2019
    Closed Accounts Posts: 21 ✭mcgregor2019


    B-D-P-- wrote: »
    Did you text this person when you were in the country to remind them?

    Do they by any chance have young kids and simply cant meet up?

    Your free for 2 weeks, but that person still busy working in Ireland.

    No, not at all, he doesn't have any kids. We communicated on Facebook and Instagram over the Years, but social media friendship isn't really the same as face to face friendship and I suppose the strength of the friendship dipped over the years.


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    #17
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,778 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Thread reopened.

    Personal Issues charter is in effect from here.


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    #18
    ManOfMystery
    Registered Users Posts: 2,394 ✭✭✭ManOfMystery


    There's no point in overthinking this. Some friendships are for life, and some aren't. You rarely see each other, and whilst you make a point of trying to catch up on the (very rare) occasions that you have that opportunity, your friend clearly doesn't have it as high on his priority list. IMO you have simply grown apart and the friendship has run its course.

    It takes two to tango.

    I have a friend from University who went to Australia and initially we used to meet for beers once a year when he was home. But whilst we were once on the same page and had the same interests when we were at uni, we had both diverged massively in every way - career, relationships, hobbies - and every year it just felt like conversation was becoming more strained. So for the last 5 or 6 yrs we haven't seen each other at all and I accept that the friendship has just fizzled out.

    Meanwhile, I have another friend from primary school (who, ironically, is also now in Australia) but we email and keep in touch over social media a lot (probably once a fortnight at least) , and catch up in person when possible. That friendship has never really changed and we just always pick up in person where we left off. Despite geography, we're both in very similar places in terms of career and family and so on and it just feels like its more natural and less of an effort to remain friends.


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    #19
    miamee
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Regional East Moderators, Regional North West Moderators Posts: 12,018 Mod ✭✭✭✭miamee


    OP it is hard to keep up friendships over the miles. I have two very close friends who moved abroad (separately, they don't know each other) and while I have kept in touch with them as much as I can and miss them both, inevitably their new life takes precedence over staying in touch with 'old' friends and my life has also changed and moved on. I find it hard to keep in touch with them knowing that I will rarely if ever see them any more.


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    #20
    Emme
    Registered Users Posts: 4,055 ✭✭✭Emme


    OP have you any idea just how hard life is in Ireland?

    Most people who work abroad have a better quality of life and find it easier to save. Perhaps your friend can't afford to go out, maybe he is saving for a deposit if he hasn't got a house. Even if you offer to pay for drinks they won't go out of pride. People buy drink in supermarkets and off-licences now and drink at home because going out is so expensive. The VAT rate in hotels, bars, cafes etc. has gone up recently and many people have stopped getting takeaway coffees or going out for coffee even if that was their only treat. Even though more people are working than in the recession the so called recovery has benefitted very few and most people are barely getting by.

    People change over the years, in my experience they tend to get more focused and more serious. The gain families and family duties, even if single people may have to care for elderly family members. Ireland is not the friendly place of 20 years ago. Between commuting and work people have limited time to socialise and they stick to their families or a small group of friends they have known for years. This is more the case as people get older. You can commute to and from work on the same train/bus for years and not say a word to anyone. There is a lot of loneliness and isolation in Ireland now, far more than years ago.

    Have you kept in touch with these people? Have you invited them to stay with you if they go over to where you are working? Even if you have you probably have nothing in common with each other any more. They are working their backsides off here in Ireland to make ends meet, save for a mortgage or whatever and they are too tired or don't have time to socialise.

    Perhaps they see your lifestyle abroad as easier than theirs and they felt really annoyed after being out with you. This is nothing personal against you, but anyone who works in Ireland is being screwed in every way and the only way not to get angry about it is to keep the head down and forget about it if you can't emigrate. Meeting you will remind them of just how rotten it is for working people here so in order to stay focused they prefer not to meet you.

    If you want to keep in touch keep in touch all the time, don't just ask to meet for drinks when you go home. Also when you go home don't flaunt or brag about the lifestyle you have abroad if it is notably better than the lifestyle in Ireland. Don't go on about how much you can save when most people working in Ireland are trying to get to the end of the month without going into the red if they aren't in debt already.


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    #21
    Dark Phoenix
    Registered Users Posts: 1,185 ✭✭✭Dark Phoenix


    Being honest it wrecks my head when someone fecks off abroad, you don't hear from them at all but when they are back they want to be treated like Jesus risen from the dead where you drop everything and make plans to meet them just because they are home and you know if you do meet up sure its kind of pointless knowing you won't hear from them until the next time


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    #22
    jopax
    Registered Users Posts: 451 ✭✭jopax


    Hi op,

    I would disagree with most of the posts, you are only looking to meet to catch up.
    I just think he is not interested & doesn't want to meet up for whatever reason.
    You probably thought he was s better friend than he thought of you.
    I'm not saying he's a horrible person or anything but I can understand why you would feel let down.
    I wouldn't bother letting him know when your home, just accept it for what it is.


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    #23
    baby and crumble
    Registered Users Posts: 8,512 ✭✭✭baby and crumble


    Emme wrote: »
    OP have you any idea just how hard life is in Ireland? Most people who work abroad have a better quality of life and find it easier to save. Perhaps your friend can't afford to go out, maybe he is saving for a deposit if he hasn't got a house. Even if you offer to pay for drinks they won't go out of pride. People buy drink in supermarkets and off-licences now and drink at home because going out is so expensive. The VAT rate in hotels, bars, cafes etc. has gone up recently and many people have stopped getting takeaway coffees or going out for coffee even if that was their only treat.

    ---

    Perhaps they see your lifestyle abroad as easier than theirs and they felt really annoyed after being out with you. This is nothing personal against you, but anyone who works in Ireland is being screwed in every way and the only way not to get angry about it is to keep the head down and forget about it if you can't emigrate. Meeting you will remind them of just how rotten it is for working people here so in order to stay focused they prefer not to meet you.

    Ok, I don't want to get into a back and forth but there's a LOT of conjecture in this post. Not everyone stays in like a hermit instead of meeting an old friend for a random pint. You make it sound like we're still in recession and nobody has a job anywhere.

    OP, I have a friend who lives in Asia, comes home occasionally. I'd love to see him when he gets home but the reality is I have work, college and other commitments (especially as he often comes home over Christmas or for other of those kinds of times when there's extra pressure on folks). If he actually doesn't suggest a few specific times I'm as likely as anything to genuinely forget he's home. It's far far easier to say yes to something when you get some solid suggestions. Rather than say "hey, I'm flexible, let me know when you can meet" I'd actually recommend saying "Hey I'd love to meet up. How about Thursday lunchtime, I'll come meet you near work, or maybe Friday night in X bar at 6" or whatever. Likewise suggest a few different activities - maybe a coffee, drink in a pub or a walk on the beach as options. He might be trying to avoid pubs but wont say, or maybe he can't afford a mad night out.


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    #24
    Gorgeousgeorge
    Registered Users Posts: 1,026 ✭✭✭Gorgeousgeorge


    People drift apart simple as.


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    #25
    Emme
    Registered Users Posts: 4,055 ✭✭✭Emme


    baby and crumble wrote: »
    Ok, I don't want to get into a back and forth but there's a LOT of conjecture in this post. Not everyone stays in like a hermit instead of meeting an old friend for a random pint. You make it sound like we're still in recession and nobody has a job anywhere.

    I didn't say that. I said that more people have jobs since we're supposedly out of recession but most people who are working are just getting by financially and can't afford to go out. Or if they do have spare cash they are saving every penny for a deposit on a house or for retirement. Indeed some people think that some of those who don't have jobs can be better off than those who do.


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    #26
    zoobizoo
    Registered Users Posts: 2,714 ✭✭✭zoobizoo


    jopax wrote: »

    I would disagree with most of the posts, you are only looking to meet to catch up.
    I just think he is not interested & doesn't want to meet up for whatever reason.
    You probably thought he was s better friend than he thought of you.
    I'm not saying he's a horrible person or anything but I can understand why you would feel let down.
    I wouldn't bother letting him know when your home, just accept it for what it is.


    I'd agree with this.

    I have lived abroad - Oz, Asia & the UK and would have been back a handful of times across those 4 or 5 years.

    I would have texted close friends and would have met up with them - despite their kids / wives / finances (never came into it tbh) etc etc…

    These are friends from school and friends from old jobs.

    This guy isn't interested in a friendship with you anymore - he's 10 minutes from you and isn't bothered to meet up which is a pity.


    I've been somewhat in your shoes with travel friends - I'd message them on FB every so often but found that it was me making the effort all the time so I stopped. That's not to say that I wouldn't get in touch with them if I was passing very close to where they were - in fact I did that very thing last year.


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    #27
    banoffe2
    Registered Users Posts: 421 ✭✭banoffe2


    hi OP
    we will never know what another person is thinking. so no point in analysing, or trying to read his mind, you could change tact next time you are in the locality and send the text saying that you are home for a few weeks and keep it friendly without the invitation and see what happens?
    This will keep the door open, ans see what happens,
    best luck to you


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    #28
    Rubberchikken
    Registered Users Posts: 5,083 ✭✭✭Rubberchikken


    apologies if this has been covered in other replies - but do you keep in touch with him during the year?
    if not then there could be a feeling of ' oh here comes yer man expecting me to drop everything and reminisce' .

    if it isnt like this then maybe life for your friend is just moving in a different direction and you need to adjust to that.


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    #29
    mcgregor2019
    Closed Accounts Posts: 21 ✭mcgregor2019


    Rubberchikken wrote: »
    apologies if this has been covered in other replies - but do you keep in touch with him during the year?
    if not then there could be a feeling of ' oh here comes yer man expecting me to drop everything and reminisce' .

    if it isnt like this then maybe life for your friend is just moving in a different direction and you need to adjust to that.

    Yeah, we have chatted over the years, only of Facebook, that's really I that I can do when I'm thousands of miles away


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    #30
    mcgregor2019
    Closed Accounts Posts: 21 ✭mcgregor2019


    Emme wrote: »
    OP have you any idea just how hard life is in Ireland?

    Most people who work abroad have a better quality of life and find it easier to save. Perhaps your friend can't afford to go out, maybe he is saving for a deposit if he hasn't got a house. Even if you offer to pay for drinks they won't go out of pride. People buy drink in supermarkets and off-licences now and drink at home because going out is so expensive. The VAT rate in hotels, bars, cafes etc. has gone up recently and many people have stopped getting takeaway coffees or going out for coffee even if that was their only treat. Even though more people are working than in the recession the so called recovery has benefitted very few and most people are barely getting by.

    People change over the years, in my experience they tend to get more focused and more serious. The gain families and family duties, even if single people may have to care for elderly family members. Ireland is not the friendly place of 20 years ago. Between commuting and work people have limited time to socialise and they stick to their families or a small group of friends they have known for years. This is more the case as people get older. You can commute to and from work on the same train/bus for years and not say a word to anyone. There is a lot of loneliness and isolation in Ireland now, far more than years ago.

    Have you kept in touch with these people? Have you invited them to stay with you if they go over to where you are working? Even if you have you probably have nothing in common with each other any more. They are working their backsides off here in Ireland to make ends meet, save for a mortgage or whatever and they are too tired or don't have time to socialise.

    Perhaps they see your lifestyle abroad as easier than theirs and they felt really annoyed after being out with you. This is nothing personal against you, but anyone who works in Ireland is being screwed in every way and the only way not to get angry about it is to keep the head down and forget about it if you can't emigrate. Meeting you will remind them of just how rotten it is for working people here so in order to stay focused they prefer not to meet you.

    If you want to keep in touch keep in touch all the time, don't just ask to meet for drinks when you go home. Also when you go home don't flaunt or brag about the lifestyle you have abroad if it is notably better than the lifestyle in Ireland. Don't go on about how much you can save when most people working in Ireland are trying to get to the end of the month without going into the red if they aren't in debt already.
    Well I did point out that it didn't have to be a pint, a coffee in Starbucks would have been acceptable, but you certainly did make some really good points. People do change over time, sometimes very suddenly, other times it can be surprising, he has a new life, so do I, financially, I don't know how he's doing, but that might have played a part, regardless, I'm almost certain that I won't contact him next time that I'm home, I just can't take another disapointment


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    #31
    KikiLaRue
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,283 ✭✭✭KikiLaRue


    I lived thousands of miles away for five or six years. Some friendships went the distance, others faded, and some faded while I was gone but were brought back to life when I moved home.

    You have a bit of a decision to make - do you want this friendship to be revived or not?

    If you do, I'd suggest making a bigger effort to keep in touch while you're away - phone calls are better than the odd like or comment on Instagram.

    Do you have any plans to move home, or visit more often?


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