Were You In Love Or Did You Just Settle For What You Had?

Zak Flaps · 25-04-2021 10:26pm #1

Hi. For those of you who are married or engaged.......were/are you in love with your partner or did you just settle for what you had (time was running out regarding children or you didn't want to spend your life alone for example) ??

I'm just curious.
I'm not married myself just so you know.

the beer revolu · 26-04-2021 3:35pm

My wife told me yesterday that she was thinking of signing up for Boards.

I was head over heels in love when I got married.

26-04-2021 3:36pm

My missus, who sometimes picks up my phone, is also dearly beloved.

PARlance · 26-04-2021 3:46pm

I know a couple who met in college, didn't fall madly in love but instead became very good friends. They decided that if neither were married by the time they were 30, they would marry each other.

They're probably the happiest married couple I know.

Foweva Awone · 26-04-2021 3:50pm

*Reads thread title*

*Checks username*

;-(

JeffreyEpspeen · 27-04-2021 2:41pm

Let's be honest. Most people are settling.

Women are taking risks if they want to have children after 35, and once they've sown their wild oats, financial and lifestyle stability matters more than looks.

Men, similarly, don't want to end up dying alone having their corpse eaten by their cat or dog.

If this pandemic has proven anything, it's that most people can't handle being alone.

The only thing that's open is the supermarket and the streets are still filled with traffic from 9 to 6 every day!

It's honestly hilarious how much people hate to be alone with their thoughts. Read a book or something for **** sake!

dxhound2005 · 27-04-2021 2:52pm

JeffreyEpspeen wrote: »

If this pandemic has proven anything, it's that most people can't handle being alone.

I don't think anyone has proved that. In the 2016 Census 400,000 adults were living on their own, with no pandemic to influence their choice.

Some 400,000 people were living alone, while 41.1 per cent of the Irish population aged 15 and over, accounting for 1,544,862 people, were single.

KathleenGrant · 27-04-2021 2:54pm

Got married because I became pregnant. It was the done thing back in the day and absolutely expected by both families. I thought I loved him but who knows really.
We stayed together 16 years all the same before he said he never really loved me and left. I felt sad for myself but also for him. I never blamed him for leaving. I can't forgive him not being part of his children's lives though.

JeffreyEpspeen · 27-04-2021 2:58pm

KathleenGrant wrote: »

Got married because I became pregnant. It was the done thing back in the day and absolutely expected by both families. I thought I loved him but who knows really.
We stayed together 16 years all the same before he said he never really loved me and left. I felt sad for myself but never blamed him for leaving. I can't forgive him not being part of his children's lives though.

My mother got pregnant as a teenager and was browbeaten into marrying my father.

I blame my grandmother for me being born.

At the same time, if we're being honest, that kind of story isn't unique in this country.

Mad_maxx · 27-04-2021 3:00pm

Love her but wouldn't be my first choice physically, doubt I'm unique

KathleenGrant · 27-04-2021 3:03pm

JeffreyEpspeen wrote: »

My mother got pregnant as a teenager and was browbeaten into marrying my father.

I blame my grandmother for me being born.

At the same time, if we're being honest, that kind of story isn't unique in this country.

You were born because your parents had sex. I doubt it was your grandmother's fault?

It's not at all unique, it's not even awful. Just saying what happened to me when I settled.

biko · 27-04-2021 3:04pm

I married for love.

She married for money.

eviltwin · 27-04-2021 3:05pm

We celebrated 25 years together last month and we are still in love. I still get goosebumps when I see him

optogirl · 27-04-2021 3:08pm

Definite love match here - first time I was in a relationship that felt equal, as in we both felt the same way about each other. Together 16 years and married 4. Sure there are times when we want to slap each other but there is a great foundation that we both know is worth a lot. We have very similar tastes in everything so we really do enjoy hanging out with each other. Just as well cos we haven't had much choice this year!

Oops! · 27-04-2021 3:09pm

As the saying goes around here... She/He walked up the isle with nothing.... Walked back down with half the farm. Not unusual around these parts anyway....

27-04-2021 3:09pm

KathleenGrant wrote: »

Got married because I became pregnant.
We stayed together 16 years all the same... I can't forgive him not being part of his children's lives though.

16 years seems plenty of time to be part of the childrens lives? Unless I'm reading that wrongly?

JeffreyEpspeen · 27-04-2021 3:13pm

KathleenGrant wrote: »

You were born because your parents had sex. I doubt it was your grandmother's fault?

It's not at all unique, it's not even awful. Just saying what happened to me when I settled.

I'm not the oldest. I've been privy to conversations where it's been made clear that my mother married not because it's what she wanted, but what other people wanted. Hence more children and me further down the line.

I wallowed in pity but she was just a teenager. She had to make life decisions at 18 that I'm not capable of making in my thirties.

Thank god people have more options nowadays and the god botherers have less influence.

McGinniesta · 27-04-2021 3:15pm

I don;t see the point in settling for anything less than happiness.

I'd rather be single than unhappy.

Hyperbollix · 27-04-2021 3:23pm

Marry for love in your 20's..............

Marry for financial security, social status, 3 holidays and a new car every year... in your 30's

bilbot79 · 27-04-2021 3:29pm

biko wrote: »

I married for love.

She married for money.

She sounds hot

Leg End Reject · 27-04-2021 3:41pm

Oops! wrote: »

As the saying goes around here... She/He walked up the isle with nothing.... Walked back down with half the farm. Not unusual around these parts anyway....

Do you all get married up north?

Oops! · 27-04-2021 3:46pm

Leg End Reject wrote: »

Do you all get married up north?

Nope, other end of the country is where i am, Also have neither a wife or a farm and happy that way!:D

_Whimsical_ · 27-04-2021 4:25pm

Deleted User wrote: »

16 years seems plenty of time to be part of the childrens lives? Unless I'm reading that wrongly?

The oldest is 16. The youngest is who knows?

Regardless, you can leave a marriage but you cannot just say bye to your kids and have that be fine, particularly during years they need emotional and financial support. 16 is definitely in that bracket. There is no "you've had plenty time" for kids.
I know people who've had serious parental estrangement as adults and it's caused huge pain. That is not fine for any 16 year old.

KathleenGrant · 27-04-2021 4:42pm

[Deleted User] wrote: »

16 years seems plenty of time to be part of the childrens lives? Unless I'm reading that wrongly?

You are not thinking it out properly. Children are not all the same age.

The oldest was 16 when he left. We had a large family. The youngest three were 2, 4 and 7 when he left. Not a phone call, birthday card or xmas present since. I didn't make it difficult for him in case that's what you think. Like i said, i don't blame him for leaving me. I feel sorry for him that he stayed so long in a relationship he was unhappy in. But turning his back on his children I can't forgive him for.

Kerry25x · 27-04-2021 4:51pm

Madly in love honestly and its been 12 years now (only married for 2 of those).

KathleenGrant · 27-04-2021 4:56pm

JeffreyEpspeen wrote: »

I'm not the oldest. I've been privy to conversations where it's been made clear that my mother married not because it's what she wanted, but what other people wanted. Hence more children and me further down the line.

I wallowed in pity but she was just a teenager. She had to make life decisions at 18 that I'm not capable of making in my thirties.

Thank god people have more options nowadays and the god botherers have less influence.

Ok I see now what you mean.
You hardly resent being born though. Are you not glad?
On the plus side, myself and a lot of people my age had children we never planned and it was not unknown for women to be upset to be pregnant again. But that was just a reaction at the time and those children were loved and cherished the same as those who were planned.
I really hope that was the case with you.

soups05 · 27-04-2021 6:28pm

I had to go wading through piles of my own BS to find my post from 2011:

I met a wonderful woman and got engaged 5 months later. 13 months after we met we got married. all of my friends said we were crazy,too young etc. last oct we celebrated our 20th anniversery. four kids, four million rows,no regerts.

remember, the best part about fighting is making up afterwards .

I turn 40 this july, when shes around i feel 20.

I turn 50 this year, still married to her,(31 years this year) still very much in love. now with grandkids

KaneToad · 27-04-2021 6:31pm

I definitely didn't settle. Herself might say otherwise. But I don't think so...

27-04-2021 6:43pm

Oops! wrote: »

As the saying goes around here... She/He walked up the isle with nothing.... Walked back down with half the farm. Not unusual around these parts anyway....

There's also an expression for the opposite of that. If a farmer has married a primary-school teacher, for example, he is said to have gotten himself "a laying hen".

It's obviously not a serious comment, but there is of course a practical legal and economic element to marriage.

27-04-2021 6:43pm

My mother always told me marry someone with money because love runs out..

So I married for love, married a year and a half after we met at the tender ages of 21 and 24, still together 12 years and still in love, best friends! Many a argument, 4 kids later.

pgj2015 · 27-04-2021 6:50pm

bilbot79 wrote: »

She sounds hot

Are you saying Biko can only fall in love with hot women?

Filmer Paradise · 27-04-2021 6:55pm

Shotgun job in my case.

Worked out grand though.

rn · 27-04-2021 8:08pm

Oops! wrote: »

As the saying goes around here... She/He walked up the isle with nothing.... Walked back down with half the farm. Not unusual around these parts anyway....

My wife walked up the aisle with nothing and walked back down with a mortgage and half my negative equity! But that was the 00's for ya.

Potential-Monke · 03-05-2021 10:01pm

I'd be of the opinion that a lot of people think they're in love and get married then, only later to find out it's not true love (whatever that is). I see the few comments on here of people still happily in love after 10+ years, but always with a comment about having loads of fights. I don't understand that. In my 2x9-year relationships, I think we only ever fought once or twice. I don't mean little disagreements, I mean actual shouting at each other but non-physical fights, where you may not talk to them for ages afterwards. Never understood that. And I couldn't settle down with someone where that's happening.

My parents had their 50th wedding anniversary in March. That's a milestone that will become rare going forward I reckon.

bb1234567 · 03-05-2021 10:19pm

I really hope the practice of settling is gradually disappearing forever. Surely most people must realise by now that being alone and finding value in other aspects of life is better than marrying somebody you're relatively indifferent to just to keep up appearances of meet the expected milestones society sets. I see people give out about tinder etc nowadays and how people have TOO much choice, get too picky etc . Well you should be ****ing picky, it's your valuable time you're choosing to spend together in a short life . Even if it's just dating, make it a good one, somebody you really enjoy spending time with. Or else what's the point.

My own grandparents really have stirred such hatred within me towards pressure on people marrying for the sake of it. They are typical couple of their time in Ireland, 60 years ago, marry whoever is presentable uncontroversial local girl/boy choice and marry at the soonest time possible. Then land yourself a clatter of children within 5 years of the marriage and even if you are unhappy you may put up with it because divorce is just off the table. They lived completely separate lives under the same roof for their 60 years together, barely spoke. What is the point of forcing that. They didn't even force, they just put up with it, no effort from either to make the situation more enjoyable and liveable. They didn't even fight really, just completely indifferent. May well have been pieces of furniture to each other. WHY. I could never understand it even as a child. What a way to spend your life. Depresses the hole off me

ulster · 03-05-2021 10:34pm

Thankfully I am not married. I don't think I could cope.

mohawk · 03-05-2021 11:31pm

After being in a relationship in my 20’s where I settled I vowed never to repeat that mistake. I am now engaged to someone I truly love. We have more than love going for us.

If I was to rank my happiness levels as an adult. I am happiest now with my partner in our little family.
I was also pretty happy on my own after I broke up with my ex.
I was least happy with my ex. I thought I should try make it work for sake of my child. It was a mistake. Both my son and myself were far happier after the split.
Never settle folks.

cj maxx · 03-05-2021 11:45pm

Settled. Worse .ever. mistake.

Hamachi · 03-05-2021 11:49pm

Met my wife five years ago, married four years, two nippers under three. The last few years have been a whirlwind for sure.

Can honestly say that meeting my wife is the best thing that ever happened to me. Wouldn’t change a thing.

Antares35 · 03-05-2021 11:55pm

Definitely think I got the better deal in our relationship, he's amazing

Found out I was pregnant shortly after getting engaged, but no way was I rushing it through because of that. If anything, it pushed the wedding further down the line because I want to actually look slim and rested on the big day. So will probably be about a ten year wait

Kissed enough frogs to know when I have it good. I love my alone time too. We both do. Just because you're happy with someone doesn't mean you aren't comfortable in your own skin. In fact, I don't think you can be truly happy with someone else unless you're happy on your own first. Or at least, it's more a form of dependence...

bunny_mac · 03-05-2021 11:59pm

Potential-Monke wrote: »

I see the few comments on here of people still happily in love after 10+ years, but always with a comment about having loads of fights. I don't understand that. In my 2x9-year relationships, I think we only ever fought once or twice. I don't mean little disagreements, I mean actual shouting at each other but non-physical fights, where you may not talk to them for ages afterwards. Never understood that. And I couldn't settle down with someone where that's happening.

You'd be amazed. A close friend was in a relationship with a lovely fella, and she spent her whole time picking fights with him. She'd say all sorts to try to provoke him but he'd never rise to the bait. They didn't last long. She's now married to another fella, they've been together 15 years, and they absolutely tear strips of each other all the time. I'm talking screaming, roaring, punching holes in walls. And they're really happy together. I think it's incredibly messed up, but it seems to work for them.

threescompany · 04-05-2021 12:01am

Sounds silly but after just one night with too much drink & chatting in the pub, I absolutely knew I had met my soulmate. Engaged within 6 months & we are married 15 years with 4 kids. I’m in my late 30s. He’s a wonderful person & I feel very lucky. I had a long term relationship before him & I shudder when I think how I nearly settled. I’m sure plenty do.

Hamachi · 04-05-2021 12:03am

bunny_mac wrote: »

You'd be amazed. A close friend was in a relationship with a lovely fella, and she spent her whole time picking fights with him. She'd say all sorts to try to provoke him but he'd never rise to the bait. They didn't last long. She's now married to another fella, they've been together 15 years, and they absolutely tear strips of each other all the time. I'm talking screaming, roaring, punching holes in walls. And they're really happy together. I think it's incredibly messed up, but it seems to work for them.

That sounds more like an episode of the Jeremy Kyle show.

Whatever about the rest, but punching holes in walls...?

bunny_mac · 04-05-2021 12:04am

bb1234567 wrote: »

I really hope the practice of settling is gradually disappearing forever. Surely most people must realise by now that being alone and finding value in other aspects of life is better than marrying somebody you're relatively indifferent to just to keep up appearances of meet the expected milestones society sets.

You'd like to think so. But as a single woman in my 40s I still regularly get the looks of pity and the sighs and tuts from relatives at family gatherings (pre-covid obviously). And I know a couple of women who got married because they were terrified of being 'left on the shelf'.

barneygumble99 · 04-05-2021 12:05am

Sister in law married the most boring man I’ve ever met. She’s not much better. Married and had 3 kids within 4 years. Definitely settled for each other. I’m not even sure how they worked up the excitement to conceive.

barneygumble99 · 04-05-2021 12:07am

bunny_mac wrote: »

You'd like to think so. But as a single woman in my 40s I still regularly get the looks of pity and the sighs and tuts from relatives at family gatherings (pre-covid obviously). And I know a couple of women who got married because they were terrified of being 'left on the shelf'.

Maybe it’s looks of envy you are getting, from relatives who settled!!

Antares35 · 04-05-2021 12:08am

threescompany wrote: »

Sounds silly but after just one night with too much drink & chatting in the pub, I absolutely knew I had met my soulmate. Engaged within 6 months & we are married 15 years with 4 kids. I’m in my late 30s. He’s a wonderful person & I feel very lucky. I had a long term relationship before him & I shudder when I think how I nearly settled. I’m sure plenty do.

Same. The guy I was seeing before my partner was just an absolutely horrible person. I didn't see it at the time but hindsight is 20:20 and all. I was definitely guilty of settling with him, and it's horrible to think of how close I came to a completely different path, one that would never have led me to my fiancé.

Church on Tuesday · 04-05-2021 12:08am

Potential-Monke wrote: »

I'd be of the opinion that a lot of people think they're in love and get married then, only later to find out it's not true love (whatever that is). I see the few comments on here of people still happily in love after 10+ years, but always with a comment about having loads of fights. I don't understand that. In my 2x9-year relationships, I think we only ever fought once or twice. I don't mean little disagreements, I mean actual shouting at each other but non-physical fights, where you may not talk to them for ages afterwards. Never understood that. And I couldn't settle down with someone where that's happening.

My parents had their 50th wedding anniversary in March. That's a milestone that will become rare going forward I reckon.

That's completely normal though and in many cases, essential. You need to clear the air from time to time. Every relationship is different but I'd be worried if there were no disagreements from time to time; I don't want a Stepford Wife.

One thing I will say is one should never go to bed angry with your partner, there is no need for the argument to last days on end. I strongly dislike drama so prefer honest communication (and active listening) on whatever matter is causing conflict.

Antares35 · 04-05-2021 12:12am

bunny_mac wrote: »

You'd like to think so. But as a single woman in my 40s I still regularly get the looks of pity and the sighs and tuts from relatives at family gatherings (pre-covid obviously). And I know a couple of women who got married because they were terrified of being 'left on the shelf'.

People can be really nasty on the other side of that coin too. When I got engaged, my mother's weapon of a sister immediately said to her, "oh my daughter was just telling me about all her friends who are in their thirties now and are running out marrying the first man they find". Like, ok we get it, some people settle but no need to such a patronising bitch Doris

Hamachi · 04-05-2021 12:12am

barneygumble99 wrote: »

Maybe it’s looks of envy you are getting, from relatives who settled!!

I think older relatives just want the best for you and for them, that’s seeing you settled with a partner. It’s not done out of malice; it’s just their worldview that’s outdated these days.

Many people are very happy being single. However, if you are fortunate enough to meet the person that’s right for you, it enhances your life immeasurably.

bunny_mac · 04-05-2021 12:24am

Hamachi wrote: »

Many people are very happy being single. However, if you are fortunate enough to meet the person that’s right for you, it enhances your life immeasurably.

I totally agree, but the key phrase there is 'if you are fortunate enough to meet the person that’s right for you'. I'd much rather be single than be with the wrong person, but there are a lot of people out there who think it's more 'normal' to settle than to stay single. I've even had my (married) sister try to persuade me to 'lower my standards'. I mean, WTF?

Were You In Love Or Did You Just Settle For What You Had?

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