Not sure what to think

LegacyUser · 14-11-2019 12:15pm #1

I will try and make a long story short. I have been with my boyfriend 4+ years now, all was good up until this summer. We talked about marriage and trying to move in together once we have both our houses sold (well that was the plan). All was OK until I was told by my boyfriend that his dad advised him not to get married or sell the house (I was in shock that he would even tell me that). Then his mother starting being really nasty to me. To top things up, his brother moves into the house (I was not asked only told after the deal was done).

Furniture belonging to the parents (who are moving house themselves) started appearing in the house (temporarily I was told). Then another sibling brings furniture in his house, while they sort out a flat they have to sell. His house looks like someone decided to bring a load of furniture and dump it there without a care in the world. You can barely move around the house (thank God I don't live there some would say).

He doesn't say anything to them, and I feel his family is walking all over him at this stage. He is in his early 40's. I am seriously thinking of breaking up with him as I don't see myself putting up with the rudeness or his family and them constantly butting in. Am I being too dramatic? He keeps telling me to wait as things will sort themselves out. This is just a small part of what has been happening recently. I just feel his family control him and basically they don't want him to have a life outside of them.

Not sure if I am looking for advice, I just don't know what to do anymore. Walk away, stay and see what happens? He doesn't stand up for me when his own mum is rude to me.

I just feel that for my own mental health it's better to just walk away. I have discussed this with him and how its making me feel, but he seems to be way too easy going, plus I don't actually think he cares (he says he does, however his actions speak louder than his words).

leggo · 14-11-2019 10:58pm

It's tough to get a good read on this, it feels like there's more to the story. A few things from your OP struck me: for a start, why would you be asked if his brother could move into his house? Consulted, maybe, since you were planning to get your own place...but you make it sound like you think he should've got your permission when, as you say, he's in his 40's and his own man. What happened in the middle there when his Mam started being nasty to you? Like did it just happen out of nowhere? If you were to speculate, what reasons could his Dad have for advising him against selling and moving in with you?

My gut tells me that, if his family were to write their side, it might read as similar to yours about you and that appears to be what the crux of the issue is. Yes, it seems like they might be walking all over him a bit too. But then you yourself only spoke about what you wanted him to do rather than mentioning what he wants himself. I don't know though, you haven't really given us much full perspective, just what you want to happen and what you think about his family rather than facts, incidents and his side of the story. Then there's, for me, a MASSIVE leap from you going to marry this chap to going to leave him because he's not doing what you want him to do with his house.

I dunno...if I absolutely had to speculate, I'd say his family might have picked up on all of this and maybe warned him not to sell up and give up his own property to do what you want. He seems like he's giving that some thought and fobbing you off a bit while he sees how it plays out. And, if that's the case, then you'd be kinda proving their suspicions correct by jumping to, "You're not doing what I want so I'm leaving you."

BDI · 14-11-2019 11:02pm

Do you want to marry a nutter that worries about every little thing or a nice guy willing to help his family out, a guy who doesn’t sweat the small stuff?

It’s his house, what’s your stake in it? Your mental health?

It’s his house.

antix80 · 14-11-2019 11:05pm

Wondering36 wrote: »

I just feel that for my own mental health it's better to just walk away.

If I were his friend... I'd advise him not to sell his house!

You're a while off marriage, some way off moving in together and a long way off selling your houses.

dartboardio · 14-11-2019 11:07pm

I wouldnt walk away just because there's some issues with his family, no way.

Its you two in the relationship, not them.

You don't need to necessarily be best friends with his family. But ye both need to have a conversation as to whether or not he will stick up for your relationship and not let his family control everything.

Ursus Horribilis · 14-11-2019 11:18pm

OP did you post about this before? It sounds very familiar. If I remember that thread correctly, your boyfriend gave you lots of assurances.

Breaking up sounds a bit drastic but I don't think it's something to be ruled out if he can't /won't deal with this. This is the sort of thing, if not dealt with now, will destroy your relationship anyway. Does he truly understand how serious this is or that you're considering walking?

LegacyUser · 15-11-2019 9:53am

If it hasn't already been suggested by him or his family, I predict that the plan you're presented with will be to sell your house first and you move in "just until" his house is sold and you buy another place. In his house you'll be treated like an an increasingly unwelcome and unhappy guest where his family will have more say and comfort than you do. The joint house will be on the long finger.

I'd suggest you don't sell your house at all if possible, but at the very least let him sell his first and move in with you until you buy one together. If he balks at that idea and starts listing excuses why he "can't" do that, you'll have your answer.

LegacyUser · 15-11-2019 10:37am

leggo - there is always more to the story. His mum started being nasty when we told her about our plans (to sell up)...and I DO MEAN NASTY, REALLY NASTY. Up until the summer all was OK. We were planning on moving into his house and getting married (just to clarify, we are engaged, maybe I should have made that very clear from the start, but since I haven't signed my name on the dotted line technically it's just a simple engagement). We spend time at both houses.

BDI - you make a fair point. But he is in a relationship with me, not his family. If the family constantly butt in, I honestly don't think I am able for this. This is just one small example of what has been going on recently.

antix80 - right, I understand. Once again I don't come to the table with nothing. But I do get what you are saying. As a matter of fact it was him who suggested we sell up, defo not me.

dartboardio - we had a conversation on this and he sees my point, he did say that he understands and this is temporarily and kept reassuring me it will be sorted soon. I guess I am just anxious/worried.

Ursus Horribilis - yes, unfortunately this hasn't gone away, keeps popping up now. Thanks for the advice. I much appreciate it.

Guessed - I am actually afraid this will happen.

Thanks everyone.

tara73 · 15-11-2019 10:42am

I also remember a very similar thread from recently. It was just that the brother and his gf were supposed to move in..

OP, this sounds horrible and I would be gobsmacked about this behaviour, it really sounds like his extended fmily wants to bully you out of the way.

You need to have a serious talk with your bf but tbh I think you did this already, he's telling you what you want or need to hear but the reality is he's spineless and lets himself being pushed around and used by his family.
I can't see this ending well for you.

I think above post is excellent advice, let him know you won't move into his house, he needs to sell it and he moves into your home and then you both can see whether you sell your house too.
He probably will give a wishy-washy answer or even agrees to it but I don't think you can trust this man and his words.

leggo · 15-11-2019 10:48am

I definitely don’t think anyone should sell a house in this situation. Selling property isn’t a responsible way to play games or establish who’s ‘the boss’ in a relationship.

LegacyUser · 15-11-2019 10:58am

Indeed Tara I did have a conversation with him and a very serious one, where I basically said I am willing at this stage to just walk away and find someone that is on the same wavelength as myself, even though it was him suggesting we both sell up.

The brother did move in, but the girlfriend didn't (well not yet).

In case anyone thinks that I am after "money" or whatever else, I actually earn more than him and my house is valued higher than his, with no negative equity, in a lovely part of Dublin.

I am trying very very very hard to ignore all this from them...and thank God now they are quite far so I don't get to see them. But this has been bothering me for quite sometime and I can't seem to be able to shake it.

I could give you more examples but someone in the extended family could be reading this (who knows).

Xterminator · 15-11-2019 3:36pm

sorry posted on wrong thread.

joeguevara · 18-11-2019 3:32am

If he is allowing his parents to be nasty to you then that speaks volumes. If you have to rationalise who is bringing more to the table equally so.

A loving couple doesn't care who has more and should just be equal partners. So, in my opinion you keep what you both have and rent to see if it works. But honestly why be with someone who allows you to be treated like this?

LegacyUser · 18-11-2019 10:08am

joeguevara wrote: »

If he is allowing his parents to be nasty to you then that speaks volumes. If you have to rationalise who is bringing more to the table equally so.

A loving couple doesn't care who has more and should just be equal partners. So, in my opinion you keep what you both have and rent to see if it works. But honestly why be with someone who allows you to be treated like this?

I do agree with you 100% especially the second part, however the reason why I mentioned that is to do with other people's comments. I personally don't care what he has or doesn't have, was just trying to point out that I am not a gold digga.

I guess I will give it a few more months to see what happens and where this leads to.

Will probably be on again with an update.

Thanks everyone.

Katgurl · 21-11-2019 11:16pm

I had a relationship in the past with a man who was seriously under his parents' influence. It was worse than what you're describing because he was quite happy to forego independence while they bankrolled him. I could not do it again.

Your boyfriend needs to stand up to them or ignore them. They are his life decisions, not theirs.

If he doesn't then you have a tough decision to make - can you live your life having to run everything by them first?

LegacyUser · 22-11-2019 10:26am

Absolutely agree with you and no I don't think I see myself running everything past them at all. Reason why I am seriously thinking of breaking up at this stage if this behavior doesn't stop. As a matter of fact a few days ago he told me "oh they only want what's best for me"...to which I replied and I want what's best for the two of us. He said I was reading too much into his comments and to ignore the comments made by his family.

I shall give it some time and if within the next 2 to 3 months things don't change or improve guess I will have to make that change in my life after all.

Thanks everyone for your input.

Not sure what to think

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