How do I increase my sex drive?

dartboardio · 14-11-2019 12:40am #1

OK, is there actually any recommended ways of improving a sex drive, or actually, creating one?

Mine has diminished, over the last few years and I'm in a 4 year relationship, and obviously, no physical contact or intimacy will drive us apart if I don't start being a proper partner and showing my other half some physical affection (my words, not his)

Time to stop being so selfish. All I want is to be able to initiate sex with my boyfriend and feel comfortable doing so but for some reason it just never comes to me I think it's in relation to sex issues when I was a teenager, associating sex with drunken nights out and ass holes (pardon the pun) Rather than a loving relationship, and expressing love and affection

We are a couple in our twenties and only having it every few months...
. I've always struggled to show affection (I haven't gone to hug my mam in years or tell her I love her) so this may be it also.

Does anyone have any honest tips that helped build or increase sex drive for a woman?

At the start our sex was great, but understandably my partner wants to feel wanted and doesn't want to initiate it every single time.

I do find my partner attractive, and want to have a great sex life with him, as he does me, but I just don't have it in me, that moment of initiating sex, or taking the lead

Could be also down to confidence. But anyway, enough, any tips please? I think this may be what is bogging me down.

TheHairyMenace · 14-11-2019 12:58pm

dartboardio wrote: »

All I want is to be able to initiate sex with my boyfriend and feel comfortable doing so but for some reason it just never comes to me I think it's in relation to sex issues when I was a teenager, associating sex with drunken nights out and ass holes (pardon the pun) Rather than a loving relationship, and expressing love and affection

OP what strikes me about your post is how onerous you seem to find the burden of having sex with your partner.

Without more information I can't even speculate on your sex drive but tbh I don't think that's the issue. You mention "sex issues when I was a teenager", honestly unless there's some heavier stuff lurking back there that doesn't make a tonne of sense to me. You're with this person 4 years and these issues are only coming up now?

Honestly I feel you need to look at this whole relationship. I don't mean to sound critical but you come across as feeling this massive obligation to have sex with your partner when you clearly have absolutely no interest in having sex with your partner.

I think you need to start there and honestly explore your feelings about this relationship (as distinct from your perceived lack of a sex drive).

osarusan · 14-11-2019 1:02pm

Is it that you don't want to have sex, or that you want to but are too uncomfortable with initiating it?

ted1 · 14-11-2019 1:07pm

Are you on the pill, I’ve noticed it can greatly affect partners libido

dartboardio · 14-11-2019 2:39pm

This isn't a new thing, obviously we have talked about it before, but nothing improved.

We are both happy in the relationship otherwise, and wouldn't want to throw away a relationship just for sex, tbh it's not a HUGE thing, but obviously significant..

But It is annoying me, why I don't feel the need or urge like I should be at my age. I'm only 21.

I was on the pill, bad at taking it. And when I came off it completely I did notice a burst in sexual energy/drive one week..
But then it kinda disappeared.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 14-11-2019 2:44pm

Do you masturbate much more than you're having sex? I know that's a pretty personal question but it's important for you to figure out if this is a physical lack of libido or something exclusively emotional/psychological.

From my reading there, you reckon you're dealing with some negative associations with sex that date from when you were 16, 17? That certainly is something that could have potentially long term repercussions, it's good to recognise and identify that as a factor.

How is the physical intimacy between ye apart from sex? Hugs, cuddles, holding each other's hands etc? If that's missing, talk to him about you both putting in the effort to build it up. It'll foster intimacy, and if it's a normal part of yer lives but without the expectation that it'll lead to sex, it can of course naturally develop into sex without the pressure necessarily being on anyone to "initiate".

You want to build up in your heart and body the positive associations with sex that you intellectually have: love, connection etc. So you need to have the opposite of the sort of sex that you have negative associations with. Take your time, plenty plenty foreplay (like of the kissing the neck, exploring each others bodies head to toe kind, not the "fingering but it's OVER the underwear" type). No alcohol. NO ALCOHOL.

I know it sounds stupid but then you just gotta start having sex more often. Because you've been having it so infrequently, you're likely to be in your head a bit about it now, you both might feel a lot of pressure. Try to let that go, keep having sex, keep communicating.

I'm not sure if it's an issue for you but talk to your boyfriend about your orgasms and the likelihood of having them, for a lot of men especially his age, they can feel a huge sense of frustration and failure if their partner doesn't climax, even though they don't need to. This also can lead to the death trap of the woman faking an orgasm to save his feelings.

It's not going to be a quick fix, your boyfriend sounds like he's patient and communicative and that's great and commendable but he's going to have to keep it up (heh). I would pick a timeframe not shorter than 3 months and really give this a good, consistent go, make a deal with yourself that you'll do something to initiate sexual activity once a week, and try and think of it as something good and indulgent you're doing for yourself rather than an obligation or something you're doing to not be selfish.

TheHairyMenace · 14-11-2019 2:46pm

dartboardio wrote: »

This isn't a new thing, obviously we have talked about it before, but nothing improved.

We are both happy in the relationship otherwise, and wouldn't want to throw away a relationship just for sex, tbh it's not a HUGE thing, but obviously significant..

I dunno OP, I have to say it seems like a pretty big issue. Big enough that you're looking for advice.

dartboardio wrote: »

But It is annoying me, why I don't feel the need or urge like I should be at my age. I'm only 21.

You've been with this chap for 4 years and you're only 21.

Honestly I think the two of you have been together since you were kids and are used to each other. You've spent 4 years growing up and around each other but that doesn't make this a healthy, (or fulfilling), relationship.

It sounds like you're bored. The relationship is "adequate" in the sense that it ticks all the boxes you feel it needs to tick. But you're obviously not happy with it.

I think the problem here may not be your sex drive at all.

dartboardio · 14-11-2019 2:51pm

TheHairyMenace wrote: »

I dunno OP, I have to say it seems like a pretty big issue. Big enough that you're looking for advice.

You've been with this chap for 4 years and you're only 21.

Honestly I think the two of you have been together since you were kids and are used to each other. You've spent 4 years growing up and around each other but that doesn't make this a healthy, (or fulfilling), relationship.

It sounds like you're bored. The relationship is "adequate" in the sense that it ticks all the boxes you feel it needs to tick. But you're obviously not happy with it.

I think the problem here may not be your sex drive at all.

I think you are wrong here, solely for the reason, that my boyfriend is a few years older than me, he was in a long term relationship with a girl for 5 years , a year before he got with me

I, on the other hand, was 17, but had, had lots of sexual partners, and flings, enough to make me realise I don't want that anytime soon, and I am happy with my boyfriend, we love and respect eachother an immense amount. But for some reason I don't crave sex. That's what this is down to..

So no, we weren't that typical young kid couple, he was in a long term relationship a year before we got together, and I had been with many guys.

You seem 100000% certain that it's down to 'the relationship' or that 'the time has come to split' or something.

Ive read lots of similar threads before and was expecting this brigade, but clearly there can be other factors, whatever it may be, depression, confidence, underlying factors,

dartboardio · 14-11-2019 2:53pm

June Elegant Text wrote: »

Do you masturbate much more than you're having sex? I know that's a pretty personal question but it's important for you to figure out if this is a physical lack of libido or something exclusively emotional/psychological.

From my reading there, you reckon you're dealing with some negative associations with sex that date from when you were 16, 17? That certainly is something that could have potentially long term repercussions, it's good to recognise and identify that as a factor.

How is the physical intimacy between ye apart from sex? Hugs, cuddles, holding each other's hands etc? If that's missing, talk to him about you both putting in the effort to build it up. It'll foster intimacy, and if it's a normal part of yer lives but without the expectation that it'll lead to sex, it can of course naturally develop into sex without the pressure necessarily being on anyone to "initiate".

You want to build up in your heart and body the positive associations with sex that you intellectually have: love, connection etc. So you need to have the opposite of that sort of sex. Take your time, plenty plenty foreplay (like of the kissing the neck, exploring each others bodies head to toe kind, not the "fingering but it's OVER the underwear type"). No alcohol. NO ALCOHOL.

I know it sounds stupid but then you just gotta start having sex more often. Because you've been having it so infrequently, you're likely to be in your head a bit about it now, you both might feel a lot of pressure. Try to let that go, keep having sex, keep communicating.

I'm not sure if it's an issue for you but talk to your boyfriend about your orgasms and the likelihood of having them, for a lot of men especially his age, they can feel a huge sense of frustration and failure if their partner doesn't climax, even though they don't need to. This also can lead to the death trap of the woman faking an orgasm to save his feelings.

It's not going to be a quick fix, your boyfriend sounds like he's patient and communicative and that's great and commendable but he's going to have to keep it up (heh). I would pick a timeframe not shorter than 3 months and really give this a good, consistent go, make a deal with yourself that you'll do something to initiate sexual activity once a week, and try and think of it as something good and indulgent you're doing for yourself rather than an obligation or something you're doing to not be selfish.

This is great advice and thank you.

And just to answer the first part, no, I don't masturbate often, every few weeks or a couple of months, where as, similar to sex, it used to be quite frequently. That's why I feel there may be something wrong with me.

Yes, there's plenty of general love and affection like kissing, cuddling, holding hands, telling eachother we love eachother, and showing it (apart from physical sex of course).

Thank you.

TheHairyMenace · 14-11-2019 2:54pm

dartboardio wrote: »

So no, we weren't that typical young kid couple, he was in a long term relationship a year before we got together, and I had been with many guys.

My point had nothing to do with your sexual past. I'm not suggesting/implying anything at all about your sexual past.

I'm suggesting that you are unfulfilled in your current relationship and that in-and-of itself will eliminate your sexual appetite for your partner.

Which has nothing to do with how many previous partners you've had, (or not had).

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 14-11-2019 3:07pm

dartboardio wrote: »

This is great advice and thank you.

And just to answer the first part, no, I don't masturbate often, every few weeks or a couple of months, where as, similar to sex, it used to be quite frequently. That's why I feel there may be something wrong with me.

Yes, there's plenty of general love and affection like kissing, cuddling, holding hands, telling eachother we love eachother, and showing it (apart from physical sex of course).

Thank you.

Do you recall anything that changed and coincided with this decrease in libido? Living situation, family stuff, anything like that?

I think it would be worth speaking to a GP about this, there might be something physical going on here.

Was there anything else you stopped enjoying? Is there a possibility depression is playing a part here.

I've seen your follow up post about your pasts before you got together. I was a sexually precocious teenager too, but have lots of sexual partners and flings by the age of 17 is fairly unusual, and with alcohol in the mix can easily lead to overwhelming or traumatic experiences, it doesn't necessarily mean anyone did anything wrong to you. Are there any particular sexual experiences or partners that you have particularly bad associations with? Sexual trauma isn't always immediately after the fact. Absolutely tell me to buzz off if I'm off the mark there, and I mean no judgement on your sexual choices like I said, been there, done everyone.

Porklife · 14-11-2019 3:39pm

OP, let's take sex out of the equation for a second. How do you feel about yourself? Personally, if I've just gotten my hair done and bought a new dress and I get dolled up, I look in the mirror and feel super sexy. I look at myself and think damn girl you look hot!! I'm not saying I am super hot btw, I'm saying that's how I feel when I'm in a good place emotionally and I've made the effort physically.
If I've also covered myself in lovely body lotion and I'm wearing lingerie, there's no stopping me. I feel like a sex goddess therefore I want to be treated like a sex goddess and have amazing confident sex!

Now..jump to a rainy Sunday morning when I've woken up with a hangover and I'm feeling like ****. I look in the mirror and feel awful. All I see are my flaws. I feel about as sexy as a used condom stuck to a crusty old sock. I don't feel sexy and therefore I don't want to have sex. My confidence is low and I don't want to look at myself let alone expect anybody else to want to.

My point is that maybe this isn't about sex drive per se but is more about self esteem and bod confidence. How do you feel about yourself, do you think you're sexy? I remember reading an article with Kelly Brook who oozes sex appeal and she said that when she meets a man she fanices, she pictures having wild sex with him. No matter what they're talking about, she's not even listening, she's just picturing this image in her head. Men go wild for her because she's exuding this sexual energy. I've tried it - it works. Again, you have to be feeling sexy yourself in order to adapt it.

I'm not suggesting not listening when your partner speaks (Kelly is an idiot, let's face it!) but it's a technique you could try to mentally re-train yourself to want sex. You could also buy lingerie, watch porn and touch yourself or read a sexy book. I find it almost impossible to watch porn and not get insanely turned on.

Try not thinking there's something 'wrong' with you. You can deal with this even if it turns out to be medical and not physcological. You have a patient loving partner by your side to help you too.

Sardonicat · 14-11-2019 4:12pm

How's your menstrual cycle, OP? Has it changed significantly? Are you getting enough sleep? Any changes to your weight? Are you taking medication that could have loss of libido as a side effect?

dartboardio · 14-11-2019 4:14pm

Porklife wrote: »

OP, let's take sex out of the equation for a second. How do you feel about yourself? Personally, if I've just gotten my hair done and bought a new dress and I get dolled up, I look in the mirror and feel super sexy. I look at myself and think damn girl you look hot!! I'm not saying I am super hot btw, I'm saying that's how I feel when I'm in a good place emotionally and I've made the effort physically.
If I've also covered myself in lovely body lotion and I'm wearing lingerie, there's no stopping me. I feel like a sex goddess therefore I want to be treated like a sex goddess and have amazing confident sex!

Now..jump to a rainy Sunday morning when I've woken up with a hangover and I'm feeling like ****. I look in the mirror and feel awful. All I see are my flaws. I feel about as sexy as a used condom stuck to a crusty old sock. I don't feel sexy and therefore I don't want to have sex. My confidence is low and I don't want to look at myself let alone expect anybody else to want to.

My point is that maybe this isn't about sex drive per se but is more about self esteem and bod confidence. How do you feel about yourself, do you think you're sexy? I remember reading an article with Kelly Brook who oozes sex appeal and she said that when she meets a man she fanices, she pictures having wild sex with him. No matter what they're talking about, she's not even listening, she's just picturing this image in her head. Men go wild for her because she's exuding this sexual energy. I've tried it - it works. Again, you have to be feeling sexy yourself in order to adapt it.

I'm not suggesting not listening when your partner speaks (Kelly is an idiot, let's face it!) but it's a technique you could try to mentally re-train yourself to want sex. You could also buy lingerie, watch porn and touch yourself or read a sexy book. I find it almost impossible to watch porn and not get insanely turned on.

Try not thinking there's something 'wrong' with you. You can deal with this even if it turns out to be medical and not physcological. You have a patient loving partner by your side to help you too.

Thank you so much.

Electro and you have left some great advice.

You're right, and no, I don't feel sexy, it could be a major part, the only time I ever make an effort with my appearance anymore, or anything, is when we go out.

Im sure if I made more of a day to day effort, like constantly shaving, or using nice smellies, or nice perfumes, or even having my tan done (which makes me feel nice)

I'm sure I'd be more likely to initiate sex, rather than feeling like ****, and sitting around looking like I've been dragged through a Bush.

I need to take better care of myself, physically and emotionally I think. Instead of immediately accusing myself of having something wrong with me, before taking the actions to make myself actually feel good.

Alot of it is down to self esteem, weight, being messy. I don't bother trying because in my head I presume why the hell would anyone wanna have sex with this etc.

Im going to try some self care things today so, have a nice bath paint my nails, do my eyebrows, things like that.

Thank you & Thank you again

X

dartboardio · 14-11-2019 4:16pm

Sardonicat wrote: »

How's your menstrual cycle, OP? Has it changed significantly? Are you getting enough sleep? Any changes to your weight? Are you taking medication that could have loss of libido as a side effect?

Not enough sleep imo, well not lately.
On a work night, lately I don't get asleep until at least one, or maybe even after two.

I have put on a couple of stone in the last three years, which plays a factor.

Its just I've gotten really lazy. A year and a half ago I gave up working in an active job and started in a call centre, in turn, sitting down all day, becoming lazy, rather than being a 'getter upper'

No other medication that could be affecting it.. Id say its most likely down to self esteem, possible depression, and the way I view myself.

Porklife · 14-11-2019 5:17pm

It’s logical when you think about it OP, in order to want to have sex, you have to feel sexy yourself. It wouldn’t matter if Brad Pitt (or whoever you find sexy) came onto you if you weren’t feeling sexy, it just wouldn’t happen.
I mean, it may happen but you’d feel self-conscious and awkward throughout which is the opposite of how you should feel having sex.
If you’re a bit unhappy with your body at the moment why not try wearing a bodice and stockings? Ann Summers and even Pennys have some gorgeous bodices that are very sexy but very flattering also.
Stockings are hot too and you make your legs look great. I’ve yet to find a man who doesn’t love stockings and suspenders!! Get your hair done, paint your nails (hand and toes), shave and smother yourself in vanilla or coconut or whatever lotion you
like the smell off.
I always feel great when my hair looks good too, crowning glory and all that. A glass of wine may also help get you in the mood. There is nothing wrong with you. You just need to pamper yourself and transform into a sex kitten!
Easier said than done (if you asked me to be a sex kitten on a Monday morning I’d tell you where to go!) but the weekend is almost upon us… go get ‘em tiger!!!!!!

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 14-11-2019 5:38pm

Yeah a bit of pampering and body positivity would help probably. Perhaps you could go to some class and do something that makes you feel good? That could be yoga, could be pole dancing, anything in between. Physical exercise is a mood and libido booster anyway, and something that reconnects you to your body and the strength and capacity for pleasure it has.

I'm not exactly an unconditional porn advocate but it could be a useful tool here too. Can't link to anything obviously, but if you Google porn for women check out the first couple of results (especially the second one). There's all sorts of stuff there but there are a lot of videos really focused on female pleasure rather than performance, plenty foreplay, and women with
all sorts of bodies really going for it.

Porklife · 14-11-2019 5:59pm

June Elegant Text wrote: »

Yeah a bit of pampering and body positivity would help probably. Perhaps you could go to some class and do something that makes you feel good? That could be yoga, could be pole dancing, anything in between. Physical exercise is a mood and libido booster anyway, and something that reconnects you to your body and the strength and capacity for pleasure it has.

I'm not exactly an unconditional porn advocate but it could be a useful tool here too. Can't link to anything obviously, but if you Google porn for women check out the first couple of results (especially the second one). There's all sorts of stuff there but there are a lot of videos really focused on female pleasure rather than performance, plenty foreplay, and women with
all sorts of bodies really going for it.

We are singing from the same choir sheet sista!!!

I love pouring a glass of wine and sticking on porn after having a lovely long shower.. it makes me feel really sexy. You just need to reawaken your inner Goddess OP as corny as that sounds.

I just know that when my hair is greasy and I shove it on top of my head and i've no make up on or last nights make up on and I'm wearing my slouchy pants eating koka noodles on the couch, I feel about as attractive as a coldsore. I sometimes giggle to myself when a guy I'm with messages me and says you are so sexy or something along those lines and I look at myself and think haha, if he could see me now!!
BUT... on Friday night when I'm wearing stockings under my dress, have my hair freshly washed and my push up bra on, I think damn right I'm sexy!!!
It's all about how you feel about yourself and how you present yourself. If you feel sexy, you will in turn feel confident and that is absolutely key to sexual prowess. You got this!!

dartboardio · 14-11-2019 8:17pm

Porklife wrote: »

We are singing from the same choir sheet sista!!!

I love pouring a glass of wine and sticking on porn after having a lovely long shower.. it makes me feel really sexy. You just need to reawaken your inner Goddess OP as corny as that sounds.

I just know that when my hair is greasy and I shove it on top of my head and i've no make up on or last nights make up on and I'm wearing my slouchy pants eating koka noodles on the couch, I feel about as attractive as a coldsore. I sometimes giggle to myself when a guy I'm with messages me and says you are so sexy or something along those lines and I look at myself and think haha, if he could see me now!!
BUT... on Friday night when I'm wearing stockings under my dress, have my hair freshly washed and my push up bra on, I think damn right I'm sexy!!!
It's all about how you feel about yourself and how you present yourself. If you feel sexy, you will in turn feel confident and that is absolutely key to sexual prowess. You got this!!

Both of you are the kind of people I need to be speaking to! Thank you so much.

I've really let myself go, and as I said I'm only a young woman (21) so I should be at the prime of feeling good in that area.

After reading your first post earlier, I put my misery behind me, got in the shower, shaved everywhere, painted all my nails, done my hair and makeup and put on a dress for the first time in ages.

I feel somewhat normal again.
Lol, even my boyfriend said, I forgot what you look like in a dress!

So thank you x

LirW · 15-11-2019 12:51am

Both ladies above gave you amazing advice.

Just wanted to say, if you have the money, go and see a sexual therapist, maybe even together. It doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you or you need to be fixed. These people are pros and come across the issues you're describing. They can give you a heads up and point you into the right direction. Especially if you're someone who prefers to talk about intimate issues.

And the obvious, see the GP, get your bloods done and tell the GP what's up. Really just to make sure there is no underlying issue. I have a medical problem if that's left untreated it can mess with my libido.

But you got this and it's all going to be fine, recognizing this issue in the first place is a huge step into the right direction!

Porklife · 15-11-2019 10:44am

Just to add OP, it's all well and good saying wear lingerie, paint your toenails etc. but there's obviously an underlying reason why you haven't felt like doing those things, in other words, why you haven't felt like being kind to yourself. It feels like you don't think you deserve love or you're not 'good enough' to be sexy and that's the real issue.

I'm in my 30's now OP and do not have the body I had at 21 but I'm way more confident now. Looking back, I was a fitness instructor for a couple of years in my early 20's, I had an amazing body but I would never have sex with the lights on. I had zero confidence. I came from a very troubled family where no affection was shown. I moved out when I was 16 which was unheard of at the time. I drank, did drugs, all the usual angst of a young tearaway. I had no love for myself. The point of me telling you this is that, you are very young and it's completely normal at such a young age to not have things all figured out yet. Hell, most of us never do! But one lesson I hope you learn is to love yourself just as you are. Self improve, make the changes that need to be made to better yourself but ultimately love yourself for who and what you are.

If you have pale skin, embrace it - **** fake tan. If you have curves, dress in clothes that flatter them and if you want to lose some, join a gym, take up hiking etc. If you have blonde curly hair - stop straightening it with an iron and instead rock that afro!. Life is too short and as time winds around you'll realise how little all of these things that you're hung up on matter.

I was way hotter then I am now when I was 21 but the difference is that I didn't own it back then, now I do and I'm much happier because of that. It doesn't matter if my tummy isn't washboard flat, it doesn't matter if my ass doesn't look like Kim K's. What matter's is that I'm healthy and well and alive. Each day is blessing. Sorry for sounding so preachy OP. I just want to feel good about yourself and to enjoy your youth while you have it.

Mind yourself x

Xterminator · 15-11-2019 3:39pm

Hi OP

Have you ever heard of the 30 day sex challenge?

https://www.marriage.com/advice/physical-intimacy/build-greater-intimacy/

a summary of the benefits they claim ...

1. The release of oxytocin
2. It forces you to make the relationship a priority
3. Boosts our immune system
4. An increase in communication skills

It sounds like something that might benefit you, in helping you (both) examine how you think & communicate and prioritise intimacy with your partner.

dartboardio · 15-11-2019 3:44pm

Xterminator wrote: »

Hi OP

Have you ever heard of the 30 day sex challenge?

https://www.marriage.com/advice/physical-intimacy/build-greater-intimacy/

a summary of the benefits they claim ...

1. The release of oxytocin
2. It forces you to make the relationship a priority
3. Boosts our immune system
4. An increase in communication skills

It sounds like something that might benefit you, in helping you (both) examine how you think & communicate and prioritise intimacy with your partner.

Will definitely take a look into this. Thank you. I often feel communication is an issue, I often feel trapped in my mind, and despite wanting to initiate sex or carry out acts of affection or intimacy, I feel trapped. Often even having dreams of doing certain things, then waking up sad because I feel trapped rather than carrying them out.

Silly really, but I suppose all I need to try do is change my mindset about these things. Thanks!

bitofabind · 15-11-2019 9:30pm

From what you've described, it sounds like your self-esteem is under the floorboards and you've gotten accustomed to feeling a bit crap about yourself, which as others have correctly identified is going to reduce your libido.

The weight thing is a real symbol of this and I know how it can be such a vicious cycle - you feel bad about yourself so you eat and then feel worse and round and round we go until you're at that "what's the point?" stage with self-care and self-maintenance. Noone wants to have sex when they're feeling that bad about themselves. I'm quite weight sensitive anyway but if I went significantly above what was comfortable for me it would be game over for my romantic life and sex life as I'd just have such poor body image with it too.

The immediate things you can do is to turn around those lifestyle factors that are contributing to how you're feeling. Make a healthy meal plan and commit to some daily exercise, you'll be amazed at how much better it lifts your moods. TMI perhaps but when I'm training hardcore my sex drive is through the ROOF - the adrenaline and rush of endorphins boosts my self-esteem and the body confidence that comes with that is phenomenal. Think about what exercise you could do that will get those feel-good hormones racing through you.

Fix the bad sleep hygiene. Set a solid bedtime and get-up time and stick to it, loosely at the weekends too. Bad sleep always translates to bad feelings and that can lead to bad habits and things can spiral easily.

ILoveYourVibes · 15-11-2019 10:31pm

For me its romance romance romance. Even intellectual conversations.

Would you consider getting your hormones checked?

Then talking about your previous sexual experiences with someone and talk about them with your bf etc.

Maybe come up with scenarios that are really romantic. Romance ups my sex drive

Anxiety and stress KILL my libido. I think that is normal for everyone though.

Its why ASMR ends up turning people on. :P

You aren't alone op..i have worried about it too.

Rodin · 15-11-2019 10:34pm

OP, I'd say you're bored.

ILoveYourVibes · 15-11-2019 10:45pm

Rodin wrote: »

OP, I'd say you're bored.

Could be that too.

There are over the counter herbal natural remedies ..Zestra Avlimil Gingko biloba Yohimbine

Yoga too.
And sleep!

dartboardio · 16-11-2019 3:31am

Rodin wrote: »

OP, I'd say you're bored.

Wouldn't necessarily jump to that conclusion. I often have fantasies and think about my partner in sexual ways, which would indicate I'm not bored in my relationship or of him, but more that I need or want to fix my attitude, or more so, what I'm doing to ensure I have a healthy, or at least enjoyable sex life with him.

And thanks a mill to all the previous comments
To be honest its kind of like a light bulb moment.. No wonder I don't wanna have sex, no wonder i dont feel horny, I've let myself go, I'm overweight, unhappy, both emotionally and physically in myself, I never take any actions to 'take care' of myself, not letting myself sleep alot not eating good, , I'm an anxious person by nature, who on earth would feel good, or horny, in that environment or mindset!

I'm going to try get back to the person I was a couple of years ago, a go getter, active, make things happen type of person. If I'm feeling bad, do something about it.. But for some reason I've become lazy. I just need that kick up the arse to realise that and get back into it..

Its kinda like 'you shoot yourself then wonder why you are sore'

Ive made the first step which is, self care, and making myself feel better about me. And the rest should shortly come.

Anyways. Thanks so much for everyone's replies.

Hopefully I shall update you in a few months time

Homelander · 16-11-2019 9:55pm

Being unhappy with yourself is the number one factor in it, I would say. Things that realistically, your partner doesn't even notice or consider, but that irrationally affect you to the point that you're almost sexually paralyzed. You (and I don't mean you specifically) feel unappealing, unsexy, why would anyone want this?, I'm a bit overweight ergo I'm disgusting, why bother making an effort in other areas when my fundemental base is awful, and so on.

You have to remember that you are just projecting how you feel about yourself onto the relationship, while your partner is probably largely oblivious, and any one of those factors, or even all together, don't at all equate to you being unsexy or unappealing. Self-loathing can be very destructive, but it is very common.

Wanting to work on yourself is perfectly fine but you have to accept yourself in the moment too and understand that your own extremely self-critical feelings do not reflect those of your partner, and your own perceived flaws are not necessarily flaws in other peoples eyes.

What you see in the mirror, what you perceive as flaws, obstacles, hurdles, or whatever, and what others see, are completely different things, but it can be very hard to accept that sometimes.

curiousJudg · 19-11-2019 5:35pm

This might sound a little simplistic but as somebody in a very long relationship, you do find that via work/tiredness/boredom etc that you get a bit lazy about it all... that's my experience anyway. I did a simple thing - normally read my kindle most nights anyway so downloaded a couple of erotica books (not the aul long romantic books - I mean Erotica) - he knows nowt about it (not that he'd mind at all) he just thinks i'm reading my normal book, with 10 mins book is down and............

Try it! seriously it's a useful tool to get you back into the rhythm and routine of having sex regularly and as a previous poster said the more you have it the more you want it, introduce a bit of fantasy even if it's just your own fantasy.

How do I increase my sex drive?

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