23yr lady/31 year man - too big a gap?

LegacyUser · 06-10-2019 1:32pm #1

Hi all,

Going unreg for this one.

There is a woman in work (let's call her Jane for short). I think she is very pretty and we get on really really well in work. We are on different teams so our work doesn't cross over but we work in the same office. There is huge chemistry there and she frequently teases me in a very flirty way. Colleagues have even passed reference that we get along really well and should become a couple - (which I would like!). While obviously never guaranteed and she can change her mind, it would appear as if we both really fancy each other. I feel like a teenager again.

She is recently out of a relationship and feel as if she is looking to meet someone. Some of the women in work have encouraged me to ask her out. I really want to but I am a little hesitant because she is 23 going on 24 and I am just gone 31. I really like her and would like to date her but this is just playing on my mind a bit.

1) Is that a socially acceptable age gap? We get on really well and have great banter so that's not an issue. Moreso how society might see it. I would say that we both get along with people more her age and also people more my age too.

2) Does anyone have any experience of 7 year age gaps? How was it?

3) Should I just get on with it, ask her out for a drink and see what she says?

Thanks for responses everyone. I quite like her and haven't dated for a few months so am a bit jittery!

Caranica · 06-10-2019 2:24pm

7 years is nothing even at your stage now and as you get older it will be even less. Don't fixate on it, just go for it and see what happens

Augme · 06-10-2019 2:44pm

Technically the age gap is fine, if you want just a bit of a casual fling and don't really see anything long term. If you are expecting anything long term then I think that is far less likely to happen. The age gap becomes an issue when you are getting into the marraige/kids territory.

Also if she is just out of s relationship chances are she's just after a bit of fun so don't get too caught up in it.

Princess Calla · 06-10-2019 2:53pm

I think the age gap is fine, there are plenty of couples who have similar age differences. It will only become a problem if you fixate on it.

Every couple is unique.

All the signs appear promising

The only issue I would have, and to be honest it's not an issue that would stop me, is the work relationship if things go belly up.

donspeekinglesh · 06-10-2019 3:04pm

My wife is seven years older than me and it's never been a problem to me. We started going out when I was 21, married more than 12 years now.

Oink · 06-10-2019 3:16pm

You really don’t need to care if it’s socially acceptable. The older you get the less it will matter.

I would just advise to start very slow, make sure you are both very clear as to what you are both looking for. Else you’re looking for trouble.

And finally, for the love of dogs keep your private and professional lives separate. If you do start seeing each other, keep things private. Not point pretending you’re not dating, but keep it out of the office. No one wants private drama spilling out at work.

TimeToShine · 06-10-2019 9:01pm

The only worrying thing about this is how everyone in the office and their dog is egging you on. It’d be a disaster if it ever turns sour

LegacyUser · 06-10-2019 11:55pm

Be careful OP

That is quite a difference in age. True, it depends on what you are looking for. If it’s short term fling your after, go for it.
If it’s a long term relationship you’re looking for, I’d avoid this like the plague. And bear in mind, if it’s a long term serious relationship you are looking for in the long run, just be aware that if you do go there with this younger girl, other eligible women your age in your workplace/office will not touch you with a bargepole when it’s over and you’ve changed your mind.. I have seen this time and time again in my workplace.

A 24 year old woman would not be as mature as a 31 year old man. But as others have said, maybe that’s what you’re after.
The chemistry you’re feeling could be that fun/ lust factor you’re experiencing comes with her simply being younger and naive as she is starting out (probably just out of college right?) and to be honest, you’d get that with any young one.. I often find men are drawn to this age group because the women from 28 + can be more reserved and mature. But that is not a bad thing OP. It just requires making an effort to talk to them.

My red flag went up when people were egging you on and encouraging it to be honest OP.
Workplaces are generally quite boring places and people love a distraction aka drama as long as their not involved directly. Sounds like she’s been talking cause no colleague would be brazen enough to suggest such a thing (HR consequences) unless one of the parties involved was openly talking about it, giving others the green light to talk about it and that would suggest immaturity...

Also, can I ask, where has all this interest come from all of a sudden from people?
Again, I need to emphasise the maturity difference.
Why the sudden talk amongst people? Be aware that when younger women become infatuated with an older man they can often start a sequence of events through manipulating situations.
Has a woman your age expressed an interest in you lately which would spur this young girl into action all of sudden ? (Believe me, I have seen people’s relationships and potential romances ruined in workplaces from this catty behaviour between women.)
What is this younger girl like around other male coworkers? Is she flirty and messing with everyone or just you?

Just bear in mind, the maturity level you are dealing with and the sudden interest from other people in the situation would set off alarm bells to me. As said, I’ve observed this situation time and time again.

Off topic but would you not look at women 29-32years old if you are looking at a relationship?

Think hard OP... don’t forget your career in all this!

LegacyUser · 07-10-2019 12:18am

Also,

UnregPoster wrote: »

Hi all,

Some of the women in work have encouraged me to ask her out.

Look if you were my brother , I’d be discouraging you here..and I ask you to be cautious.
Clearly, you're the talk of the office.
Know when you’re being led on OP.
How nice of them, encouraging you to ask her out, out of the goodness of their hearts....? Really? Because colleagues just do that, don’t they? Come on! What kind of workplace is this? How inappropriate.

I suspect you’re a catch. A catch with a lot going for him, maybe even status?
I am begging you to really stand back from this one and look at this for what it is OP.

It’s great to feel desired and seemingly wanted, but remember - this is work? Not the nightclub!

A girl who is overly flirty and bantering like that, to me, should be a turn off. She’s offering it up on a plate really, no work required on your part?
If it’s a relationship your after, would you really respect someone who has shown no boundaries and is flirting in the workplace? And it’s highly likely, she’s flirting with others. For a worthwhile woman, it’s not that easy. They have boundaries and have a standard. The understand there is a time and place. By the sounds of it, she does not understand this. Hence the age difference.

Between the cackling witches encouraging you and her recent break up and “flirty bantering”, I can’t help but feel there’s more drama here at play in the background that you are completely unaware of.

Think OP!

King of Kings · 07-10-2019 7:58am

Met my wife at exactly same ages you are now.
10years 2 kids later still good.

LegacyUser · 07-10-2019 8:05pm

OP here,

Thank you for all of the replies guys. Really appreciated. We exchanged a few jokey social media messages over the weekend. She had a busy enough weekend so she was tired in work today but we had a fun chat anyway.

I am probably going to ask for her number and ask her out for a drink of a Friday after work in town or something. Strike while the iron is hot and all that.

I was thinking of waiting for a night out when we are all out, but I suppose that could leave it a bit long, it's with everyone and I suppose I should give her a clear signal I am interested rather than let things die down a bit.

Any advice on the above would be very much appreciated!

Thanks again....I will keep you guys posted.

amdublin · 09-10-2019 11:06pm

I just read your first post and nil else.

Doesn't sound to me at all that she wants to be in a relationship. Sounds to me like she just wants to flirt and get attention from you.

Good luck op but my gut is telling me.this is going nowhere except messing with your head.

As for you feeling "jittery"... I suggest you need to date more. Get online on an app asap

LegacyUser · 09-10-2019 11:33pm

So basically I screwed myself here.

I got some bad news about a promotion in the office and she asked me what was wrong. I told her. Then I told her I would go out tonight and have a good few pints due to the bad news. She was off at 6 and at 5 when I was off, I asked her out to a place in town for a drink via text. She told me that she wasn't able for a night out right then and then offered me some quite nice words about not getting the promotion. She has tomorrow off because she worked a weekend two weeks ago so I just decided to ask her out for a drink.

amdublin - you were right.

Thanks all for replies. Please be assured that I will move on and forget about this. A bit disappointing because she is an amazing woman.

Take is easy all. x

LegacyUser · 10-10-2019 12:12am

amdublin wrote: »

Good luck op but my gut is telling me.this is going nowhere except messing with your head.

Agreed.
Her overly flirty behaviour in a workplace, recent break up and lack of discretion is what bothers me, more so than the age difference (although what I listed above could partially be down to immaturity and age or just personality - I don’t know her but I’m just going by what you’ve said)

As I said, since she’s so seasoned at the flirting in the workplace, you’re probably not the only fella she has “chemistry” with.

Go for a drink if you desperately want to. I think your mind is made up on that front.
Be careful though.
Don’t put your eggs in one basket with this one.

joeguevara · 10-10-2019 4:18am

Firstly it's not really an age gap in the real sense of the word

However feeling like a teenager when nothing has happened at 31 is a bit of a red flag. Also feeling jittery may mean you aren't thinking it through. She is a colleague who has split up with a bf...is this the best basis of a new relationship. Forget about work colleagues encouraging you,.calm down.,see if there is something...take it slow and forget about the teenage feelings.

LegacyUser · 10-10-2019 11:15am

OP 2.0 wrote: »

So basically I screwed myself here.

I got some bad news about a promotion in the office and she asked me what was wrong. I told her. Then I told her I would go out tonight and have a good few pints due to the bad news. She was off at 6 and at 5 when I was off, I asked her out to a place in town for a drink via text. She told me that she wasn't able for a night out right then and then offered me some quite nice words about not getting the promotion. She has tomorrow off because she worked a weekend two weeks ago so I just decided to ask her out for a drink.

amdublin - you were right.

Thanks all for replies. Please be assured that I will move on and forget about this. A bit disappointing because she is an amazing woman.

Take is easy all. x

Don’t worry OP.
You did nothing wrong. You took a risk and you got your answer. Although it’s not the answer you wanted, at least you know where you stand now and can move on.

Just be more cautious in future. Women who have a genuine interest in dating you do not flirt so openly in the workplace. If anything, they might go quiet around you or hesitant because they like you and you alone.
It’s important you know the difference going forward. Sounds like this one was just out for an ego boost and a bit of fun to pass the shift.

Take a big step back and just play it cool when you’re back in work. I would stop the flirting and remain professional. Stop being so available to her. Any talk, I would keep it strictly work related.

Don’t give it anymore thought and take her off the pedestal you have her on. “Amazing” is a matter of perspective and sounds naive OP. Especially when you barely know her.

Respect yourself.
Good luck x

zapper55 · 10-10-2019 12:02pm

You asked her out for a particular night and shes wasnt available. Why on earth does that mean you've screwed up? Maybe she just wasnt free that night.

Even.if shes not interested, you had the guts to ask her out. You are being ridiculously hard on yourself.

The posters that are suggesting a girl that flirts is someone to be wary of make me laugh. Maybe she's naturally charismatic to everyone. Either way its an unusually negative way to view female interaction.

LegacyUser · 10-10-2019 1:16pm

OP 2.0 wrote: »

So basically I screwed myself here.

I got some bad news about a promotion in the office and she asked me what was wrong. I told her. Then I told her I would go out tonight and have a good few pints due to the bad news. She was off at 6 and at 5 when I was off, I asked her out to a place in town for a drink via text. She told me that she wasn't able for a night out right then and then offered me some quite nice words about not getting the promotion. She has tomorrow off because she worked a weekend two weeks ago so I just decided to ask her out for a drink.

amdublin - you were right.

Thanks all for replies. Please be assured that I will move on and forget about this. A bit disappointing because she is an amazing woman.

Take is easy all. x

What?? You asked her out one hour before she was due to finish work, for that same night, and unsurprisingly she wasn't free. Like, come on! You don't ask someone out spur of the moment like that, not for a date as it comes across very last minute and like you have given it no thought.

Also, just FYI, when myself and my female friends are arranging to meet, it's like organising an invasion of a small country. Everyone is so busy and rarely would we all be able to meet spur of the moment that we usually end up having to arrange a day and time several weeks out.

Also, the age gap isn't an issue - the office gossip and her just being out of a relationship are the issues. You'll most likely be her rebound if she does date you.

amdublin · 10-10-2019 9:07pm

Doesn't sound like you did anything wrong.

Doesn't sound like she's amazing though.

LegacyUser · 13-10-2019 8:58am

Hey guys - OP here.

Firstly a massive thank you to everyone who replied. Really appreciate it at a time where my self-esteem took a bit of a blow.

When I recomposed myself, I sent her a message saying 'no worries about not being able to join. we can catch each other again'. She didn't respond but she knows how I feel basically. I saw through social media that she was out with friends a few nights since so I have my answer.

Particularly to amdublin and usernamegirl12, thank you. Your insights were fairly spot on. I just found out that her ex was cheating on her so that must have been hard for her. A bit of flirting in the office isn't a big crime in that respect.

Thankfully, I am slowly becoming less infatuated and taking her down off the pedestal that I put her on (unfortunately, I tend to do that).

I will obviously still be friendly and professional but I won't engage with any of that flirting or banter with her. Perhaps we are looking for different things and it is for the better.

I suppose I can say that at least I tried and got my answer.

LegacyUser · 13-10-2019 11:24am

OP 3.0 wrote: »

Hey guys - OP here.

Firstly a massive thank you to everyone who replied. Really appreciate it at a time where my self-esteem took a bit of a blow.

When I recomposed myself, I sent her a message saying 'no worries about not being able to join. we can catch each other again'. She didn't respond but she knows how I feel basically. I saw through social media that she was out with friends a few nights since so I have my answer.

Particularly to amdublin and usernamegirl12, thank you. Your insights were fairly spot on. I just found out that her ex was cheating on her so that must have been hard for her. A bit of flirting in the office isn't a big crime in that respect.

Thankfully, I am slowly becoming less infatuated and taking her down off the pedestal that I put her on (unfortunately, I tend to do that).

I will obviously still be friendly and professional but I won't engage with any of that flirting or banter with her. Perhaps we are looking for different things and it is for the better.

I suppose I can say that at least I tried and got my answer.

Hi OP!

IMO, she sounds like a head wrecker and very immature. You dodged a bullet there.
If she had taken you up on your offer she would only working these issues out on your precious time. This would leave you only confused, hurt and pissed off.
You’re worth more than that. Believe it! You deserve a woman who is crazy about you!

As said, keep it professional. No bantering, flirting or ego boosts.. work related only.
True the flirting isn’t a crime. But there was harm because you were swept up in it. Hence why I was trying to drive home to you flirting and bantering so openly in the workplace is not genuine interest cause she’s so confident about it, she’s likely doing it with others and she’s only interested in the ego boost factor. That’s why, next time, it’s important you see through it and see it for what it is so you’re not swept away with it.

Draw a line under it and move on.

You’re worth more. Learn from this experience. Know the difference between the women who are genuinely into you and those who are time wasters.
Get out there and find a woman worthy of your time OP.

zapper55 · 13-10-2019 1:19pm

Ok sounds like it's not going to happen. But you are coming to some confusing conclusions. Because shes been out with friends since, shes not interested in you? You are taking 5 plusb5 and getting 55. This serious overthinking will paralyse you when it comes to dating.

Annasopra · 13-10-2019 3:06pm

Huh

I dont get it

You asked her out that night, she wasnt available that night, she went out with friends a few nights later. Therefore you jumped to sll sorts of conclusions that she isnt interested in you.

OP4.5 · 13-10-2019 5:29pm

OP here - set up a throwaway account to respond quicker.

Basically, I propositioned a few drinks in town in a relatively haphazard / clumsy fashion. She wasn't available and sent back a relatively nice text stating she wasn't up for a night out right now. Since then she has been on nights out with friends.All of that was and is fine.

Where the confusion is on my part is that she has been heavily flirting with me in work, other women were encouraging me to ask her out and she herself even said (albeit about 2 weeks ago) that she would go out for a drink with me.

My clumsy approach aside, she hasn't proposed an alternative, hasn't suggested anything nor followed up too much with me. This after all of her actions in work.

So if her actions were a fair reflection of her wanting to get to know me better, it comes down to me to ask her out again. Preferably for a weekend in plenty of time.

Surely I shouldn't do this as I was (politely) rejected the first time? And she must know how I feel right now.

As far as I can see, I can either:

1) Forget about her. (my preferred course of action right now)
2) Give her a couple of weeks space and see how she is, perhaps following up on a potential date.
3) Send a message relatively quickly to her (this week), to ask her if she would like to go out.

It is the incongruousness between her actions/speech in work and actions out of it that is annoying me and making me feel as if I have been a bit of an ego boost for her.

DebDynamite · 13-10-2019 5:51pm

So you asked her out for a drink that evening to drown your sorrows? Maybe she’s the one who’s confused. She’s not sure if you were asking her on a proper date or asking her to be a drinking buddy for some after work drinks. Maybe she’s waiting for you to make more of an effort and ask her on a proper date

Annasopra · 13-10-2019 5:56pm

OP4.5 wrote: »

OP here - set up a throwaway account to respond quicker.

Basically, I propositioned a few drinks in town in a relatively haphazard / clumsy fashion. She wasn't available and sent back a relatively nice text stating she wasn't up for a night out right now. Since then she has been on nights out with friends.All of that was and is fine.

Where the confusion is on my part is that she has been heavily flirting with me in work, other women were encouraging me to ask her out and she herself even said (albeit about 2 weeks ago) that she would go out for a drink with me.

My clumsy approach aside, she hasn't proposed an alternative, hasn't suggested anything nor followed up too much with me. This after all of her actions in work.

So if her actions were a fair reflection of her wanting to get to know me better, it comes down to me to ask her out again. Preferably for a weekend in plenty of time.

Surely I shouldn't do this as I was (politely) rejected the first time? And she must know how I feel right now.

As far as I can see, I can either:

1) Forget about her. (my preferred course of action right now)
2) Give her a couple of weeks space and see how she is, perhaps following up on a potential date.
3) Send a message relatively quickly to her (this week), to ask her if she would like to go out.

It is the incongruousness between her actions/speech in work and actions out of it that is annoying me and making me feel as if I have been a bit of an ego boost for her.

I would go with option 3

Send a text say - "Hey I know last week when I asked you out it was very last minute and unplanned, sorry about that, Would you like to go out for a drink sometime?"

I shouldn't do this as I was (politely) rejected the first time?

You were politely rejected at very short notice, Not sure why you think "I was rejected altogether"

tara73 · 13-10-2019 6:08pm

OP, you sound like you've your head screwed on and I think your last post is spot on on the story and with your decisions.

it's her turn now to ask you out, not yours. Not now and not in three weeks or whenever.

Also good on turning down the flirty part. Be polite and friendly (even talkative and smiley) but no real flirting.

As you said, she must know you're interested, it's on her to show you she's too. But I don't think she is, so right decision to forget about her.

ligerdub · 13-10-2019 7:54pm

I can't guarantee good advice from me on this one, but I can pretty much guarantee that the majority of the advice given to you here on this thread will be terrible.

First things first, the age gap, an absolutely non-issue. I can pretty much say with full certainty that the only people telling you it's too big a gap is women about your own age or who are otherwise threatened by younger women. "go out with somebody around your age"......ummmh ok.....why? You like this particular person, she happens to be 23, end of conversation.

No guy out there is going to tell you it's a bad idea to go out with a 23 year old when you're 31. I can safely say I couldn't give 2 ****s about anyone who looked down their nose at me going out with a woman around that age, that's their issue, not yours.

"If it's a short term thing then go for it but if it's long-term then don't".....I'm sorry but that's absolutely terrible advice. Ah yeah, the older lad who was just looking to have it off with the tasty young one in the office, that'll go down well, particularly in the era of #metoo. On that note, if there is one thing I'd say is absolutely keep your nose clean, and think about the optics here. You don't want to be seen as a pesterer or going overboard in trying to get her number (even though you now have it) or for anything else like that. You don't want to appear over keen either.

The fact that other female colleagues have been encouraging you to take some sort of action indicates that she's been talking to them about you (I'd assume) and there's probably something here. These sort of threads nearly always involve comments of "sounds like she's not interested", based on completely vague assertions and without knowing either of you. To be honest the reality is nobody knows, but you've at least planted a seed in her mind. Look, we're approaching party season, you'll at least get the chance to know her better outside of the office.

You'd probably be better off in speaking to a friend about this, somebody who knows how you think and how you're likely to react to any scenario. As much as I'm sure this is a big deal for you, you also want to make sure that you're looking after yourself in terms of your work.

For what it's worth I think Oink offered the best comment to you here.

joeguevara · 13-10-2019 8:12pm

Usernamegirl12 wrote: »

Hi OP!

IMO, she sounds like a head wrecker and very immature. You dodged a bullet there.
If she had taken you up on your offer she would only working these issues out on your precious time. This would leave you only confused, hurt and pissed off.
You’re worth more than that. Believe it! You deserve a woman who is crazy about you!

As said, keep it professional. No bantering, flirting or ego boosts.. work related only.
True the flirting isn’t a crime. But there was harm because you were swept up in it. Hence why I was trying to drive home to you flirting and bantering so openly in the workplace is not genuine interest cause she’s so confident about it, she’s likely doing it with others and she’s only interested in the ego boost factor. That’s why, next time, it’s important you see through it and see it for what it is so you’re not swept away with it.

Draw a line under it and move on.

You’re worth more. Learn from this experience. Know the difference between the women who are genuinely into you and those who are time wasters.
Get out there and find a woman worthy of your time OP.

Your advice about drawing a line under it and move on may be the right advice but how you got to it is harsh.

Why is someone a headwrecker for turning down a date at short notice and then appearing on social media on different nights with her friends. People sometimes can't go out on short notice and as for going out with friends could simply be for a friend's birthday or because a friend was going through a bad time or simply because it's fun to go out with friends. Doesn't make someone a headwrecker.

OP you asked was the agegap an issue and I previously said it wasn't. What is an issue is how invested you are in this and jumping to conclusions from pictures on someone's personal social media.

OP4.5 · 13-10-2019 8:28pm

joeguavara - yeah you're right insofar as I am waaayy too invested.

I'm going to leave it with her on the basis that I asked her out and then the evening after I sent her a message saying 'no worries about last night, we can get each other again', to which there was no response. She isn't an idiot, she must know how I feel. She didn't offer an alternative or continue the conversation too much either.

Whether she was using me as an ego boost or was genuinely interested, she well knows that I am up for getting to know her better. I think it is up to me to back off from her and look after myself. If she restarts her flirting games or makes an effort to speak with me, I might ask her clearly if she wants to get a drink sometime.

As ligerdub said, we're approaching party season. If she wants it to happen, it'll happen. Otherwise I will get her out of my head.

Thanks folks.

joeguevara · 13-10-2019 8:35pm

OP4.5 wrote: »

joeguavara - yeah you're right insofar as I am waaayy too invested.

I'm going to leave it with her on the basis that I asked her out and then the evening after I sent her a message saying 'no worries about last night, we can get each other again', to which there was no response. She isn't an idiot, she must know how I feel. She didn't offer an alternative or continue the conversation too much either.

Whether she was using me as an ego boost or was genuinely interested, she well knows that I am up for getting to know her better. I think it is up to me to back off from her and look after myself. If she restarts her flirting games or makes an effort to speak with me, I might ask her clearly if she wants to get a drink sometime.

As ligerdub said, we're approaching party season. If she wants it to happen, it'll happen. Otherwise I will get her out of my head.

Thanks folks.

I'm glad you took my advice with the good intentions it was given. I wasnt having a go and we all overthink things.

Be careful at party season. Alcohol, office parties and fancying someone who may not reciprocate sometimes ends up with people saying or doing something they regret. Have fun.

23yr lady/31 year man - too big a gap?

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