Lovely guy, mediocre sex

LegacyUser · 16-10-2019 9:53am #1

I've been seeing this guy the past few months, he's lovely, kind and attentive and we really get on. The problem is, the sex is quite mediocre. Something is missing, having sex with him is only okay. I've never wanted to rip his clothes off or anything, and lately it's making me feel unfulfilled. I've communicated to him what I enjoy and he's done it, just not with confidence so it's hard to enjoy.

I know sex isn't everything, but it's important. The problem is he's so great in every other way - it's really frustrating.

Anyone ever had this experience or have any advice?

Thelonious Monk · 16-10-2019 2:22pm

What's missing is you don't fancy him that much, I'm speaking from experience

wiggle16 · 16-10-2019 2:50pm

It does sound like a lack of attraction to him on your part. Obviously you're not to blame for that but it does sound like the problem lies in your court unfortunately. If he's been willing to try new things to make it more enjoyable for you then and has done so then there's not a lot more he can do.

To put it another way, what would need to change on his part for you to enjoy sex with him, or to want to rip his clothes off? Does the lack of confidence put you off? If he seemed more sure of himself in bed (if that makes sense) would you find that to be turn on or do you think it would make a difference?

1hnr79jr65 · 16-10-2019 4:37pm

wiggle16 wrote: »

It does sound like a lack of attraction to him on your part. Obviously you're not to blame for that but it does sound like the problem lies in your court unfortunately. If he's been willing to try new things to make it more enjoyable for you then and has done so then there's not a lot more he can do.

To put it another way, what would need to change on his part for you to enjoy sex with him, or to want to rip his clothes off? Does the lack of confidence put you off? If he seemed more sure of himself in bed (if that makes sense) would you find that to be turn on or do you think it would make a difference?

Why focus on the op's partner for change, they requested partner to make change and did so. Maybe op needs a look at them self and see what they need to change.

Even if that means breaking up with partner, cos they can't put all responsibility on their partner especially if they making effort for op.

ElizaBennett · 16-10-2019 4:54pm

I certainly agree it comes down to fancying him or not. That can come about at any time and doesn't have to be an 'at first sight' deal but if you're not madly into him physically by now I don't think it's going to happen unfortunately. I've had my mind completely changed about guys who I was lukewarm about when they turned out to be amazing kissers for example. That opens your mind up to the possibilities. Or you quite like them but get a glimpse of a great body and you start imagining them naked. If you're not wildly excited by the idea of your man naked and at least smiling inwardly like a Cheshire cat as he advances towards you then what's the point really?

wiggle16 · 16-10-2019 5:45pm

Sour Lemonz wrote: »

Why focus on the op's partner for change, they requested partner to make change and did so. Maybe op needs a look at them self and see what they need to change.

Even if that means breaking up with partner, cos they can't put all responsibility on their partner especially if they making effort for op.

That's what I'm saying though. The ball is in the OP's court.

Rosepetals85 · 16-10-2019 7:56pm

What would define mediocre sex to you. ???? Sometimes it takes a while for someone to get very comfortable with someone before they become “adventurous” not saying sex like in a blue movie as no one has sex like that...
Maybe give it more time or finish it with him. He is trying so it’s probably that you don’t find him sexually attractive

Just to add my partner would just at the start do missionary or me on top positions and got boring after a while. I slowly introduced him into other positions gradually. Somethings take time. Maybe he’s inexperienced or shy

KaneToad · 17-10-2019 1:19pm

Not to be too specific, but what is 'mediocre sex'? Is it the act itself- lack of kinks? missionary only? Etc...

Or is it the outcome? ie no satisfaction on your part.

If its the first, then there is plenty to discuss and find common ground. If there is no common ground then perhaps you guys aren't compatible.

If its the second. Are there any medical issues? Or is it is just a technique issue?

Either way, if want the relationship to continue, some frank discussions are needed..

ILoveYourVibes · 17-10-2019 3:30pm

You guys lack chemistry.

joeguevara · 19-10-2019 10:10pm

If he was open to what you suggested but didn't do it with confidence then that's positive. He may get more confident with practice.

But if the issue is that you just don't see it ever being fulfilling no matter how hard he tries then you need to make a decision.

Jimmy Bottlehead · 20-10-2019 12:25pm

Lack of chemistry. If you're missing that ferocious sexual urge so far, it's not likely to appear.

You can't really force these things. It's either there or it's not.

Chelle_C · 21-10-2019 8:38pm

Jimmy Bottlehead wrote: »

Lack of chemistry. If you're missing that ferocious sexual urge so far, it's not likely to appear.

You can't really force these things. It's either there or it's not.

I agree with this.
With my ex it was there instantly, never went and the sex was mind blowing right up until the last time.
And I didn’t even like him much as a person towards the end!

I met another guy after we split. Good looking, lovely, funny - everything I wanted on paper. However that spark/chemistry just wasn’t there for me. I tried so bloody hard to make it work but just couldn’t force myself to really fancy him.
There was no reason for it, he was hot. But it just wasn’t there, so I ended it.

Life is too short for mediocre sex, there are lots of lovely people on this planet whose company you enjoy but that’s what friendship is for.
I’d end this and wait to find someone you have chemistry with.

PoisonIvyBelle · 25-10-2019 9:57pm

No chemistry, no diggity. It's an exasperating situation to be in when you like the person "on paper" but there's no much you can do about it.

Barb86 · 10-11-2019 11:34am

Have you tried some chocolate mousse?

um7y1h83ge06nx · 10-11-2019 3:49pm

I notice with sex is that past experiences can colour your view of current ones. Is that why you feel the sex is mediocre, that sex you had before was much better by comparison?

I had a similar issue. Met my ex back when we were in our early 20s. She was very sexually confident and experienced and sex was great from the first time to the last over 4 years

A while after we broke up I met my current other half, who was in her early 20s at the time. She wouldn't have been as confident or as experienced as the ex so initially I found things tough. But slowly enough by talking things through and being honest having some drunken sex where inhibitions were lower things improved a lot

brendanwalsh · 10-11-2019 3:53pm

You need to pull back your expectations,you aren’t in Manhattan living a sex and the city lifestyle
He sounds like a great catch

ILoveYourVibes · 10-11-2019 4:16pm

brendanwalsh wrote: »

You need to pull back your expectations,you aren’t in Manhattan living a sex and the city lifestyle
He sounds like a great catch

If it was the other way around and it was a guy saying the sex was not great with this girl would you honestly be saying that?

Now to me ...if he was a great catch ...truly ...it would be ok. But some girls etc...

ILoveYourVibes · 13-11-2019 4:44pm

sexproblems wrote: »

I've communicated to him what I enjoy and he's done it, just not with confidence so it's hard to enjoy.

?

There is this thing called 'IMPRINTING'. Its when we become influenced and conditioned by experiences of sexual arousal. Or lets say you become very aroused by a certain type of sexual activity. Then its the THING that becomes the object of your desire rather than the person.

Its actually not good developmentally. For example a man or woman might be searching for someone to do this THING with rather than searching for the person. The person becomes irrelevant during sex.

I mention this because you say that this bf is lovely. But during sex that doesn't matter to you. Whereas to me ...my thoughts would be i am making love with my lovely bf. Its intimacy.

However your feelings are I am with my lovely bf and this isn't to my sexual preference. That shows a kind of arrested development emotionally.

Whilst i respect your feelings etc. I think you might think about it.

JackTaylorFan · 24-11-2019 9:57am

Sounds like you're just not sexually attracted to him, to be honest. Whether it's a physical or psych thing, it's likely not gonna change.

Lovely guy, mediocre sex

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