Best friend's wedding & her weight

ginandtonicsky · 15-07-2019 2:31pm #1

Hi guys.

Regular poster around here, thought I'd take a seat on the other side of the table! Not a big deal, but would love some suggestions on how best to be a good friend here.

My best friend is getting married in less than 3 months. I'll be in the bridal party, along with her sister and another friend from a previous work place. We are all quite short and slim, my friend is also short but with a few extra pounds on her. The intention, as with all brides-to-be, was to lose weight and be a certain size on her wedding day. That has not transpired.

This weekend she came to stay with me and we went bridesmaid dress shopping. The weight thing really hit her, I think especially seeing me in a dress and comparing herself to my size made her feel especially bad. Given the short time to the wedding, it's unlikely she'll lose much weight between now and then. She's also dealing with a fair amount of work stress, and has a tendency to stress eat, her body image is really quite bad. She's spent her adult life going on and off extreme diets, and it's really upsetting to see her going back to Ireland freaking out again, planning another extreme diet and generally feeling really down on herself when she should be excited and really enjoying these few countdown weeks to the big day.

I've tried all the supportive things like telling her she's gorgeous (she is) and aside from that, trying to help practically by sharing some advice I've gotten in the past at times when I did some personal training, meal plans etc. We also took a fitness class together when she was here. But realistically, I just hate that she feels so bad about herself and the fact of me being a fair bit smaller and walking beside her as she walks down the aisle contributing to that is really upsetting. She's one of my dearest friends and it would be so sad to see her feel terrible about herself on her big day.

Has anyone been in this position before? How can I best support my friend?

skallywag · 15-07-2019 2:48pm

How much weight do you think that she needs to lose in order to perk her up? If something along the lines of 6 Kg would help, then I think that would he quite doable within a 3 month timeframe, without going on any extreme diet. I've done this myself in the past and think that losing 0.5Kg per week is very doable without anything that would be classed as extreme, just overall better eating with a solid plan behind it.

You mention that she feels quite bad when comparing herself to your size. Is it within the realm of being reasonable that she could ever reach that size though? e.g. has she ever been like that in relatively recent times, and is it something that she could realistically sustain based on her bodyshape etc.

I think that the best thing that she can do is try to set a realistic goal for the next 3 months, because that is where she has the highest chance of success, and keeping it up for long after the wedding, which can often be even more rewarding. Going on some extreme diet now at this point is something which can very likely end in disappointment though.

lfen · 15-07-2019 2:52pm

Scrap the original 'ideal weight'.

3 months is sufficient time for her to lose enough weight to feel a lot better about herrself. The mainstream dieting clubs are very effective for people who have a fair amount of weight to shift. I'm fairly sure you can join online, rather than going along to the weekly meetings which some people find intimidating. You could weigh her in weekly to keep her motivated, if that's something you think she would be open to.

It should also be said that you sound like a fantastic friend and she's very lucky to have you. She needs to take advantage of that, rather than writing off the next few months!

If you can get her through the first week, she should lose a good few pounds and instantly feel better.

armaghlad · 15-07-2019 2:55pm

Tell her to get a PT. a good one. I’m only going by what I’ve seen friends accomplish with transformations, and if she gets the ball rolling ASAP there’s no reason why she can’t shift the extra pounds

ginandtonicsky · 15-07-2019 3:11pm

Thanks guys, all good advice!

She's got a PT already and tried taking various classes, walking in the evening with her fiance, meal planning etc. Honestly, the underlying issue that worries me is that she's a total emotional eater, and is prone to perfectionism and this is something that she's done for more than a decade with her weight that has led to a lot of self esteem issues and self sabotage. E.G instead of a moderatae approach she'll try to cut out gluten and dairy and give up meat and get up at 5am for yoga and homemade kale smoothies etc. I watch the pattern and can almost predict the ending, which will be it's simply not realistic and she'll "fail" after a few days and emotional eat and back to square one. I can totally empathise as I used to be the same.

My size would not be unrealistic for her if it wasn't for these issues, she's been at a higher weight for a good few years now. Her fiance loves her to death but to her it's about feeling good on the day and not looking back and regretting when she gets the photos, which i can totally understand. But already she's panicking and going to a place of extreme diets and "I can definitely lose 20 pounds" etc. I've been totally direct and told her that's not going to be possible or sustainable given how busy these next few weeks are, but she's just feeling so bad and got the blinkers on now.

I really don't want to see her feeling absolutely awful in her dress on the morning of her wedding and especially with it being exacerbated by the fact that her bridesmaids are all smaller than her, so I want to do what I can to change her mindset now as much as possible.

wiggle16 · 15-07-2019 3:13pm

Hi G&T

There's not a lot you can do apart from to just carry on being supportive. Her self-esteem is up to her to change.

Not that I'm pushing weight loss or anything, but 3 months is loads of time to shift weight.... I suppose it depends on how much she is looking to lose.

If she is in Ireland at the moment you could consider joining Slimming World or something with her - you wouldn't need to lose weight obviously, but it might help if she has someone to go with. At the end of the day she needs to do this for herself though. She has 3 months, if she really wants to she can shift a lot of weight in that time. I might sound mean but if she doesn't lose any weight between now and the wedding then she cannot really complain. That might sound harsh but she needs to make good use of her time - and she has plenty of it.

As another poster has pointed out, she may need to redefine her terms a little. There's more to a person's shape than just their weight - if she is comparing herself to you and her other bridesmaids she does need to stop that. I have friends whose physiques I envy but I know I can't replicate it, our builds are different.

You sound like a great friend, she's lucky to have you, but don't take on too much here. She's the only one who can do anything about this, if she doesn't that's her own doing.

skallywag · 15-07-2019 3:32pm

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

...especially with it being exacerbated by the fact that her bridesmaids are all smaller than her...

Well you all have 3 months now to put on lots of weight to make her look better, you could also take that angle on it :pac:

On a serious note, see if you can convince her to try to lose 1 Kg in 1 week. This is usually very doable for most people without resorting to any extremes, and will not even require any exercise. Then repeat, albeit with a lower limit for the subsequent weeks, say 0.5kg after a few weeks of aiming for 1 Kg at the start. Hitting the goal should make her feel very good about herself, and spur her on. Having madcap goals is hardly ever going to work though, and most certainly not be sustainable.

Eating an elephant comes to mind, though perhaps not an ideal metaphor in this case

ElizaBennett · 15-07-2019 3:37pm

Maybe try one last ditch attempt at really encouraging her to achieve what weight loss she can in the time. It is a decent amount of time and on about 1,500 calories a day she could lose a lot of weight - even on 1,700 probably. Maybe there's an app that would help track the loss and the calorie intake - some people respond well to having goals set out like that. Tell her you'll check in with her every week to keep encouraging her. As Wiggle16 says, it might be time for a firm word with her, as kindly as you can. It's up to her now. She has enough time to make changes that would definitely make her feel better. Even if she lost 5 lbs she'd feel and look better - maybe try get that across, to try forget this 'all or nothing' thinking. Maybe she's worried about the dress needing to be altered at this stage - is that also an issue if she loses weight too late on? If so, then she has to accept it and just decide she will look gorgeous and have an amazing day.

ted1 · 15-07-2019 3:39pm

^^^^^. My other half is using Noom and getting great results from it. ( it’s an app /calorie counter type thing )

Springfields · 15-07-2019 3:58pm

3 months is.loads of time to loose some weight. Most people who go to slimming world or ww can loose up to 1/2 stone in a week. I'm not saying it's easy to keep it off but it really isn't an excuse saying theres only 3 months left. One thing you can't do is loose it for her so all you can do is ask of she wants your help / suggestions etc. And if so great if not that's her choice. You really shouldn't be feeling bad or guilty for being smaller than her. She has plenty of.time to shift some weight it's up to her to do it. You make yourself sound like the bed guy. You're not.

SirChenjin · 15-07-2019 3:58pm

Not asking you to answer this OP, you said you used to be the same - was there anything in particular that clicked with you that helped? Something that you would feel comfortable to share with her, I mean, not asking you to answer here.

Stress, unfortunately, can work against weight loss - the hormones that are triggered don't help. As pp have said, would she consider joining a group, or trying online? A lot of people have great success with groups, and I believe they are more focused now on healthy eating and habits than any drastic regimes.

15-07-2019 4:04pm

Friends have had success with intermittent fasting for short term losses. Not much you can do.

ginandtonicsky · 15-07-2019 4:11pm

SirChenjin wrote: »

Not asking you to answer this OP, you said you used to be the same - was there anything in particular that clicked with you that helped? Something that you would feel comfortable to share with her, I mean, not asking you to answer here.

That's a good question actually. In my case it was just taking a more realistic and moderate approach to food in general over a long-term period. I went from "good" and "bad" foods to just eating whatever the hell I wanted, which honestly isn't healthy choices all the time (chocolate fiend!) I don't eat as often and I exercise a fair bit so it led to slow weight loss over many years. Which obviously isn't particularly helpful in this case.

The dieting efforts will be ramped up in the next few weeks given how she's feeling, but I'm reluctant to encourage her to strive for massive weight loss as I know her pattern with dieting and I'm worried it'll be a far worse situation if/when she doesn't have some big body transformation and is left feeling fat and like a failure on her wedding day.

I suppose when I think about it, I'd be looking less for diet advice to pass onto her, as she genuinely is an "expert" there, she's read all the books but it's the emotional aspect that is the difficult part to overcome for her. I'm more interested in how I can help to influence her to take a healthier approach - I honestly think if she had a modest loss like 5 - 10 pounds she'd get a lovely confidence boost and it would be more likely to lead to long-term health benefits and protect her mental health for her wedding day too.

wiggle16 · 15-07-2019 4:20pm

If it's a deeper seated issue, and that's what's coming out of your posts, then really she should be looking at going to counselling cos this sounds like a long term problem - at the end of the day she has an unhealthy relationship with food. I think any dieting tips no matter how helpful are not going to make a difference, she might undo any loss with a moment of weakness and binge and that will just make her even more frustrated.

Sorry i know that's not much help, but it sounds like while she could easily lose a significant amount of weight in 3 months, the changes she needs to make to her relationship with food might be too drastic to acheive in time for the wedding. If that makes sense?

ginandtonicsky · 15-07-2019 4:32pm

wiggle16 wrote: »

Sorry i know that's not much help, but it sounds like while she could easily lose a significant amount of weight in 3 months, the changes she needs to make to her relationship with food might be too drastic to acheive in time for the wedding. If that makes sense?

Yeah thanks Wiggle16 - you've hit the nail on the head there. I just get this general feeling of dread, as I can relate to her struggles with food and I know that my "breakthrough" was not crash dieting and losing a tonne of weight. Very much the opposite. I'm reluctant to encourage her to aim to lose a stone, for example, as I know the ramifications of her not doing so are far worse - the shame, self-consciousness, low self esteem etc. I don't want to have to handle a nuclear situation on her wedding day.

I did CBT myself recently for unrelated reasons and was trying to encourage her to think about all of her wedding worries and anxieties in that pragmatic way (trigger - underlying beliefs - consequences - counteracting the negative thoughts). But I don't think she's got the capacity to add counselling to her schedule at the moment. I just feel a bit helpless and a slight sense of dread as I don't honestly think there'll be this big weight loss in the months ahead and that's really going to play into how she feels on the day.

ETA: another factor here is that her dress is quite figure-hugging. It's French silk, tight and a straight drop down. It's lovely, but the area she's most self-conscious about is her stomach and it doesn't disguise that - I really think she bought the dress with her "future body" in mind.

Addle · 15-07-2019 5:16pm

One of the reasons we didn’t have a ‘traditional’ wedding was because my family would have absolutely ruined the lead up, and probably the big day, on me with talk of diets and what I should be doing and how I should look.

I’ve never known a bride not look her best on her wedding day. Her happiness will shine through in her face.

Perhaps the pressure is making the situation worse for her.
Make sure she’s comfortable in her dress, whatever its size. Invest in the best quality underwear.
Tell her it’s a waste of energy comparing herself to others.
All eyes will be on her, for positive reasons.

SirChenjin · 15-07-2019 5:45pm

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

That's a good question actually. In my case it was just taking a more realistic and moderate approach to food in general over a long-term period. I went from "good" and "bad" foods to just eating whatever the hell I wanted, which honestly isn't healthy choices all the time (chocolate fiend!) I don't eat as often and I exercise a fair bit so it led to slow weight loss over many years. Which obviously isn't particularly helpful in this case.

Yes, I get what you're saying.

She knows how to do it but the motivation isn't kicking in.
I guess I was wondering if there was something that clicked in your case, that might be helpful to her.

It's a tough one because, IMO, once the head is in the game, it will happen.
But motivation has to come from within.

Drastic changes don't work, people become disheartened - and she already knows that. Small changes can help. Is there any one thing you could suggest she does? One habit that you think if she stopped doing/ started doing would help?

It is a deeper thing by the sound of it but you can only come at it from the friend angle and look at the short term, I guess.

All the best, you sound like a good friend.

dudara · 15-07-2019 5:51pm

I got motivated recently to lose weight. I lost 8kg in under 3 months and I’m currently over 12 kg lost. So it’s entirely possible. And I did this through calorie restriction and simply upping my walking. Nothing magic or complicated.

But even though I had been thinking about it for ages, it was only when I got motivated that it happened. You need to help her find her motivation, whatever that is. For me it really kicked in when I injured my knee. If I had been lighter then it might not have happened and I would recover quicker.

LegacyUser · 15-07-2019 6:08pm

In theory losing weight is simple, less calories in than calories out. But if it was that easy nobody would be fat!

I wouldn't encourage her too much to lose weight in the next 3 months, as if she doesn't she could end up feeling worse. You can encourage healthy activities but try not to make it about numbers on the scale or comparisons to others. She might have an idea in her head of how she would look a few kgs lighter but still feel it's not enough come her wedding day even if the goal is met. I would encourage more to feel happy and beautiful with herself all over.

It might help her to feel better if you helped with a bridal beauty regime? Leading up to my wedding I did a lot to make my skin, hair, teeth and nails really healthy and nice.

If you do want to encourage weight loss, keep in mind her wedding dress. You've seen it, if she lost weight will it still fit? When is her last fitting and how good is the dress shop at last minute alterations if she has lost a few kgs between now and picking it up. Obviously weight loss would be great but that can cause a lot of stress too! I can't say as I've not seen the dress but something to keep in mind.

ElizaBennett · 15-07-2019 6:10pm

If the prospect of her wedding and the excitement around that is not motivation enough then I can't think what else would be. Maybe it's best to talk her out of trying to make big changes and focus on the positives like her dress and hair and make up and arrangements generally. Tell her to forget the weight and tackle it at a later date as its not important enough to ruin this happy time

wiggle16 · 15-07-2019 7:02pm

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

Yeah thanks Wiggle16 - you've hit the nail on the head there. I just get this general feeling of dread, as I can relate to her struggles with food and I know that my "breakthrough" was not crash dieting and losing a tonne of weight. Very much the opposite. I'm reluctant to encourage her to aim to lose a stone, for example, as I know the ramifications of her not doing so are far worse - the shame, self-consciousness, low self esteem etc. I don't want to have to handle a nuclear situation on her wedding day.

I did CBT myself recently for unrelated reasons and was trying to encourage her to think about all of her wedding worries and anxieties in that pragmatic way (trigger - underlying beliefs - consequences - counteracting the negative thoughts). But I don't think she's got the capacity to add counselling to her schedule at the moment. I just feel a bit helpless and a slight sense of dread as I don't honestly think there'll be this big weight loss in the months ahead and that's really going to play into how she feels on the day.

ETA: another factor here is that her dress is quite figure-hugging. It's French silk, tight and a straight drop down. It's lovely, but the area she's most self-conscious about is her stomach and it doesn't disguise that - I really think she bought the dress with her "future body" in mind.

Yeah I can see why she would be anxious to fit into that in a certain way. She's basically wearing a tube of material.... it's not a very forgiving fit

Has she had it fitted for her "ideal weight" or her current weight??

I would encourage her either way to go to counselling or CBT because this is a long term problem that needs fixing whether or not she has the figure she wants. CBT might also help her cope better if it's looking like she's going to be disappointed with her waistline on the day, but as you say, perhaps there isn't time.

I'd say as well G&T to take a step back if you're getting very worried about her and this issue. You sound like a wonderful friend to have, but I wouldn't get too emotionally involved in the issue itself, mainly because there's nothing you can do about it, one way or the other. If something went wrong that was wedding related, like the photographer falling through, as a bridesmaid (or just as a friend) that's something you can take on and handle for her. This isn't.

At the end of the day no one should be dreading their wedding day, I hope she can find a way to see it as less of a big deal, though i know thats easier said than done!

wiggle16 · 15-07-2019 7:02pm

ElizaBennett wrote: »

Maybe it's best to talk her out of trying to make big changes and focus on the positives like her dress and hair and make up and arrangements generally. Tell her to forget the weight and tackle it at a later date as its not important enough to ruin this happy time

This ^^^^^

wiggle16 · 15-07-2019 7:29pm

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Take what the woman is worried about and tell her she just put make-up over it and put importance on other fake things.......

They have three months to work with here. Not three days. Changes can be made that would both better the health of the lady and the look.

There's nothing wrong with helping someone to see that you don't need to be skinny to look fantastic on your wedding day and when push comes to shove you have to work with what you have on the day.

It's up to the girl herself to make the changes she needs in her life. If the OP can do small things to reassure her and help her see that it is not the end of the world if she hasn't got her "ideal body" on her wedding day then that will have made a world of difference already (bearing in mind that there's no obligation on the OP to do so!).

antix80 · 15-07-2019 8:09pm

3 months is loads of time to completely transform your body. Sure, the diet may not be sustainable long-term but it would be worth it to look good on the wedding day.

From the sounds of it, she can't get her act together herself so it's time to pay a professional.

She needs a personal trainer who'll also provide a diet plan which she must stick to it religiously. A 45 min session with the PT once a week and another 2-3 gym sessions by herself, plus a daily step count of 6000 steps or 10000 on days with no training..

I know work stress can throw a spanner in the works. I'd recommend a weekly counselling session. Maybe her workplace has a programme to provide free counselling to employees.

Limpy · 15-07-2019 8:26pm

Getting married to someone she loves should be all the motivation she should need to lose weight. Not to Mention she will be the center focus of the wedding day.

If she went and cut out bat fat, pre made her meals and did some exercise I would think most people could lose a stone a month.

She needs to do that herself. Make a bet with her if she loses x amount she wins x.

Addle · 15-07-2019 10:25pm

Limpy wrote: »

Getting married to someone she loves should be all the motivation she should need to lose weight. Not to Mention she will be the center focus

Was the engagement conditional on her losing weight?

zapper55 · 16-07-2019 12:17am

People giving weight loss advice seem to have missed the part about her being an emotional eater. No exercise or diet in the world will counteract that.

I've been in her shoes more than once with needing to loose weight and knowing how but psychologically it being so tough. I did when I was in the right headspace and only then.

Now I get the impression from you that if she doesnt loose weight for the wedding she will regret it. In that case I'd sit her down and tell her how much you love her and how beautiful she is but you know she'll give herself a hard time if she doesnt loose a few pounds and what can you do to help. But apart from talking to her there's little else you can do. My heart goes out to you both.

Springfields · 16-07-2019 8:20am

zapper55 wrote: »

People giving weight loss advice seem to have missed the part about her being an emotional eater. No exercise or diet in the world will counteract that.

I've been in her shoes more than once with needing to loose weight and knowing how but psychologically it being so tough. I did when I was in the right headspace and only then.

Now I get the impression from you that if she doesnt loose weight for the wedding she will regret it. In that case I'd sit her down and tell her how much you love her and how beautiful she is but you know she'll give herself a hard time if she doesnt loose a few pounds and what can you do to help. But apart from talking to her there's little else you can do. My heart goes out to you both.

Dont think it was missed by posters but the reality is she probably won't have time to figure out the reasons behind her emotional eating in 3 months before a wedding when she is busy with lots on. What's been offered is just some practical ways to loose some weight but of course she will gain again after if she doesn't get to the cause. But think that's a big ask right now. (I've been trying for years !)

Penn · 16-07-2019 12:03pm

A big issue seems to be going at it too hard, too fast, and burning out quickly. Her goals need to be sustainable and realistic. Even in 3 months and with everything else going on, making smaller changes like portion size control, swapping to some lower-calorie ingredients, realistic calorie limits and even just a small bit of regular exercise (30-45 minute brisk walk in the evening) will have a huge effect, and after a month, implement some more small changes. By the time the wedding comes around she could definitely have lost 15-20lb without much effort.

It's going to be a hectic time leading up to the wedding, and going to extremes to lose weight runs the risk of triggering huge crashes and emotional eating. She needs to make smaller changes so it doesn't feel like a huge diet filled with restrictions, but rather just smaller, better choices that when added up and stuck to will have a much better result with less likelihood of emotional eating or stressing her out or cravings.

Glitter · 17-07-2019 1:11pm

Agree with much of the advice posted above but just wanted to throw another wee practical thing in the ring - has she been to a really good lingerie specialist to make sure she has the right base for under the dress?

Particularly if it is very form fitting. A top quality corset/waist cincher or girdle and the right bra could take 4 or 5 inches off her. Or at least make it look that way!

This suggestion is just smoke and mirrors and throwing money at the problem but if she's that stressed she's not going to resolve the underlying emotional eating issues in the next three months.

ginandtonicsky · 17-07-2019 1:22pm

Thanks for all of the advice guys. I've relayed some of it to her so far - recommended that Noom app to her, thanks for that suggestion. We've also decided to make her Hen a healthy one, for want of a better phrase - we're going to book in a few fitness classes and healthy brunches for the crew. I know she'd love that and so would the rest of us so it's a win-win!

I'm not too sure about the tailoring aspect. I know that she expects her first fitting to be mid-August, as the dress is scheduled to arrive in from Australia then. I'm going to try to get back for it. She mentioned that the lady in the bridal store was really lovely and supportive on that front and told her to not plan around any weight loss when it comes to the fit and to see it as a bonus rather than an expectation that it will happen. She's seen other brides-to-be in a bind on that one before, which I thought was some good practical advice.

I don't want to be too heavy-handed with the advice either, as I don't want to focus too much on this, I know her and I know how much she'll beat herself up if it doesn't happen. I just know how much she's struggled with her body image over the years and while that's not going to suddenly change overnight, i just hope I can help her to change her mindset and see beyond it for her wedding day. I'd love to see her get on a bit of a healthkick too before the big day as I know psychologically how much better that can make you feel even without any tangible weight loss.

Best friend's wedding & her weight

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