Coping with mothers lingering death

loveisdivine · 15-10-2019 9:24am #1

Hi all,

I'll give a short back story here as what I'm gonna say can come across pretty cold. So it's good for people to have a general idea of whats happened.

Mothers been an alcoholic since before I was born. Lots of horrible things have happened to her since she was a child. But she never learnt to cope with any of it and just used alcohol. Suffice to say I could write a lengthy book on all the horrible, damaging, embarrassing things she's done over the years, stuff that would make you pretty uncomfortable. She's also extremely bitter and carries that bitterness with her constantly. I've only had minimal contact with her over the last few years for that reason.

So she's been "hours/days away from death" more times than I can count. The first time a doctor told me she would likely pass within 24 hours, I was 15, I'm now 32 and nothing has changed.

It happened most recently about 18 months ago and we really thought this was it. I flew back to England to be at the bed side, family all round her for about 3 days. Did all the water under the bridge stuff. She's being saying shes ready to go for about 3 years now. But, as normal, she made the miraculous recovery and went back home.

Now here's where I struggle. I've been ready for her to go for about the last 10 years. This woman has bought me nothing but stress and pain since I was young. Whilst the whole situation doesn't really affect my day to day life, she is always there. Every birthday and christmas the guilt of not wanting to make contact but feeling like I have to. So then I do make contact and I'm rewarded with more guilt, emotional blackmail, nastiness and bitterness. Basically she feels like a weight hanging over me and I can't really be free of her until shes gone.

Shes now in again, looking like she might go, and I'm just struggling to cope with this feeling of limbo. I've prepared myself for her death so many times and it's not happened. I just want it over. She wants it to be over. But it just never is. Why is it always a drawn out affair that always ends the same? Why can't I just get the call one day that she's gone.

BrokenArrows · 15-10-2019 9:32am

You have said your goodbyes more than once.
You don't owe her anything.

Just let her die or not die. You don't need to be involved either way. So just ask your family members to keep you out of it and only tell you when she is dead.

You don't need to contact her at Christmas or birthday.

loveisdivine · 15-10-2019 9:45am

BrokenArrows wrote: »

You have said your goodbyes more than once.
You don't owe her anything.

Just let her die or not die. You don't need to be involved either way. So just ask your family members to keep you out of it and only tell you when she is dead.

You don't need to contact her at Christmas or birthday.

I feel bad because my sister deals with it all herself back at home. Granted she has a better relationship with her as she was much older than me and didn't live with her during the hardest years. But I feel like it would be selfish to put all the responsibility on her. She usually only contacts me about it when things have gotten serious.

I have to admit, I think I might be a bit unhealthily obsessed with it. As in, I'm kinda constantly checking my phone, hoping its gonna ring and it'll be done. I know shes in hospital now, they thought she needed gall stone removal but they didn't find any when they did surgery, so now she's severely jaundiced and generally ill. Obviously we all think the organs are just shutting down (as they have before) but my sister thinks mum has told the doctors not to say anything to the family because they are being unusually quiet.

So I'm just here knowing she's lying there, obsessing over whether this will finally be the time. I don't know how to put it out of my mind.

Princess Calla · 15-10-2019 3:16pm

In most families there generally is always one that does more of the looking after of elderly parent/parents than the others. This happens for a variety of different reasons. Keep the lines of communication open with your sister let her know you appreciate her taking on the role as main carer.

This might be your mum's deathbed or it may not. You have said your good byes before and made peace with it.

I was in a similar situation, and like that I was constantly checking my phone, it's natural as it is probably the most important thing going on in your life that's out of your control.

It's up to you if you want to fly home or not, I don't think anyone would judge you harshly if you didn't come home, especially with the backstory.

If you do decide to come home maybe bring your sister out for a nice meal too.

pinkyeye · 16-10-2019 9:35pm

What a horrible way to think about your mother. You wish she was gone basically, lovely.

Purple Mountain · 16-10-2019 9:41pm

pinkyeye wrote: »

What a horrible way to think about your mother. You wish she was gone basically, lovely.

Life isn't black and white, pinky.
OP has had a complicated with their mother. They have given their mother every chance in life but looks like poor reciprocation.
Sometimes, we just move on from people, loved ones included.

qwerty13 · 17-10-2019 3:39am

pinkyeye wrote: »

What a horrible way to think about your mother. You wish she was gone basically, lovely.

That is really terribly unfair. You haven’t walked in the OP’s shoes. Even by the OP starting this thread, it’s obvious there were serious issues.

I’m not going to get into my personal details, but it was a relief when my mother died, and I’m still working on my mental health as a result of her. I only say that to my closest circle of friends, but it’s absolutely the truth.

Rubberchikken · 17-10-2019 3:51am

I think the relief tempered with sadness will hit you at her death

She doesnt sound like a mother should iykwim but she's still your mother.
When she dies grieve for the mother you shoukd have had and time will ease a lot of the pain.

qwerty13 · 17-10-2019 4:10am

Rubberchikken wrote: »

I think the relief tempered with sadness will hit you at her death

She doesnt sound like a mother should iykwim but she's still your mother.
When she dies grieve for the mother you shoukd have had and time will ease a lot of the pain.

Rubber, that’s exactly what I should have said. I was unfocusedly angry for ages after my mother died, even though it genuinely was a relief. I didn’t realise I was angry at the time though.

I think I was more upset about what ‘should have been’ than a proper familial relationship that never existed with my mother.

Anyway, I dont mean to take over the thread. I just wanted to say that it isn’t fair to make the OP feel bad re lack of a proper familial relationship.

Recliner · 17-10-2019 4:23am

pinkyeye wrote: »

What a horrible way to think about your mother. You wish she was gone basically, lovely.

My situation with my mother wouldn't be a million miles away from the OP. I'm not a horrible person, but we don't all have normal relationships with our parents/siblings.
It's truly not fair to judge someone like you have, you haven't lived her life.

OP, my only advise is to do what you feel comfortable with. Discuss with your sister, make a decision and look after yourself also.

loveisdivine · 17-10-2019 1:13pm

Thanks for the replies.

Well it turns out she was lying all along. She was in the hospital, but it was never for gallstones, we don't know if she actually had any surgery but if she did it was never for gallstones. She went home a few days ago but pretended she was still there and they didn't know what was wrong with her. We only found out because my sister went to visit her and she wasn't there, the doctors wouldn't tell her anything about why she had been in, only managed to find out from a nurse that it was never for gallstones, but still wouldn't tell us what it was actually for.

So good job I'd been stressing for days while she was back home enjoying a drink.

Edit to add - She originally told my sister she was in for gallstones and was having surgery, then after the supposed surgery she told her they couldn't find any and the doctors didn't know what was wrong with her. My sister saw her physically and she was extremely jaundiced and unwell. So we assumed it was her liver shutting down again.

Princess Calla · 17-10-2019 1:39pm

There's no better liar than an alcoholic!!

She probably has sclerosis of the liver, would explain the jaundice.

Look after yourself OP.

loveisdivine · 17-10-2019 4:06pm

Princess Calla wrote: »

There's no better liar than an alcoholic!!

She probably has sclerosis of the liver, would explain the jaundice.

Look after yourself OP.

Yeah she's had it for years now. The only thing we can think of is when she gets really bad and ends up in hospital for a couple of weeks, that's a couple of weeks with no alcohol, so she starts doing better again. Total rollercoaster.

ILoveYourVibes · 17-10-2019 4:11pm

I have a friend who went through this same thing OP. His mother passed away due to health issues caused by alchohol. It was a very complicated funeral.

Reach out to people who care about you. And don't hold it in. You are not alone.

Take care of yourself.

Do what is best for you.

Princess Calla · 17-10-2019 4:14pm

Yeah the liver starts to replenish itself. Body starts building itself up again.

They have a proper routine in hospital of sleeping and eating. It's amazing how much abuse the body can take.

Guaranteed she lied to get home to the bottle in peace, without any one "nagging " her.

She's making the same choices over and over again so never feel guilty about not acting on the next "drama" that she brings to your door.

Take care of yourself and your sister, make sure this doesn’t drive a wedge between you.

Paddy Cow · 17-10-2019 11:33pm

pinkyeye wrote: »

What a horrible way to think about your mother. You wish she was gone basically, lovely.

A mother is someone who gives birth to a child and raises them with love and guides them through childhood/teenage years and is there to give guidance and support when the realities of adult life takes over. In a healthy relationship a mother is supportive and active in weddings/grand kids etc. Unfortunately not all "mothers" fit this bill. Some mothers absolutely ruin their kids childhoods and chances of adult happiness by being selfish, abusive people. This is an absolute fact. Some mothers are not fit to carry the title.

Pinkyeye unless you have suffered at the hands of an abusive mother, you can never understand the level of destruction they leave in their wake. If a woman came to you and said "my boyfriend is an alcoholic who is mentally and physically abusive and every time I try to end the cycle of abuse by leaving, he stages his death to guilt trip me into staying", I'm sure you wouldn't expect the op to stay.

I'm not having a go specifically at you Pinkyeye but this is the reality faced by many kids of abusive parents. It's not only accepted but encouraged to leave an abusive partner but if it's an abusive parent the narrative changes to "family means everything", "it's your mother, how could you be so cruel?" etc

And then we end up with situations like the op. Someone who has tried their best in the past and knows exactly what type of person their mother is and knows that the only way they can have any chance at a normal life is to cut their mother off.

Op I understand your frustration. Your mother has made her choices and you as her child are expected to be on the receiving end of them. I understand how you have compartmentalised her death in your head. On the one hand you would be sad she died because she is your "mother" but on the other, you would be able to make peace with it because it would free you from any emotional responsibility to having to accept her abusive behaviour and you could move on with your life with a clean slate.

Op I don't think you are a bad person for the way you think. No where have you wished your mother harm. You're not a bad person, just someone who finds themselves in a bad situation. It's just unfortunate that despite all the progressions we've made in society, not getting along with family members, even if they are abusive, is still a taboo topic.

pinkyeye · 18-10-2019 7:21pm

You're right. OP I apologise for my comment, I was feeling a bit emotional that night about my own mother as she's in hospital very unwell.

Don't think I don't somewhat understand, my own mother is in fact an alcoholic, that's why she's so sick but I suppose because she was somewhat functional and did do kind things for us all the time I still have a lot of love left for her.

Coping with mothers lingering death

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