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A true story about me. (Memories)

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Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 2,624 ✭✭✭Alice1


    Those stories are super Rube - and you tell them very well.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7,108 ✭✭✭Jellybaby1


    I can sense the beginnings of a Fan Club guys!!!! ;)


  • Registered Users Posts: 18,562 ✭✭✭✭The Princess Bride


    One of the best threads I've read since I joined Boards.ie.

    Penguin or whoever eagerly await your manuscript- and we will all be there at the launch.
    Keep it up, and thank you.


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,551 ✭✭✭Rubecula


    You folks are very kind. I know the stories have a touch of humour, but they are all true. There are a couple I can't tell you for various reasons, but as and when I remember them I will tell you more. I am happy you all enjoyed them, it gives me a nice feeling.

    Thank you all again for taking the time to read them and pass along your comments.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7,108 ✭✭✭Jellybaby1


    It's good you are getting them written before (it's too late!):D


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  • Registered Users Posts: 2,624 ✭✭✭Alice1


    Jellybaby1 wrote: »
    It's good you are getting them written before (it's too late!):D
    Jellybaby, you are very bold! Sure Rube is still in his prime


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7,108 ✭✭✭Jellybaby1


    Alice1 wrote: »
    Jellybaby, you are very bold! Sure Rube is still in his prime

    Just like Jean Brodie thought she was too!! :D


  • Registered Users Posts: 12,631 ✭✭✭✭OldGoat


    I love Jean Brodie, or should I say I love Maggie Smith. I lived in Brighton for a few years and would see her around the town on a regular basis - and I would turn into a babbling, gibbering, starstruck imbecile unable to string two words together. She was (and still is) one of the most gracious people I've ever had the pleasure of meeting. <B

    I'm older than Minecraft goats.



  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,362 Mod ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    OldGoat wrote: »
    I love Maggie Smith.

    She absolutely rocks in Downton Abbey.

    Rubecula, have you ever thought that you should just keep away from all forms of transportation devices?
    Though, in saying that, I've had my motorbike fall on me a few times too.
    Luckily, not into any rose bushes. :D


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7,108 ✭✭✭Jellybaby1


    I love Maggie Smith too. However, I think every film/programme I have seen her in (in her senior years anyway) she plays the same strong, manipulative, opinionated woman, but I still love that woman - wish I could be like her, 'cos her bearing alone demands respect, loyalty and utter devotion!! Go Maggie, go! :D


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  • Registered Users Posts: 1,303 ✭✭✭Ramette


    Ah Maggie Smith - the way she can look down her nose at the camera and you just wither:eek:

    God wish i could perfect that skill:D


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,551 ✭✭✭Rubecula


    The best and worst car I think I have ever owned was a Ford Capri.

    I had a new job, and it was in Cheshire, living in the great? metropolis of Liverpool meant I needed to commute, so I went out and bought a car. This car was a huge monster of a thing. A mark 1 Ford Granada estate with a 3 litre engine. The fastest moving part in it was the fuel gauge.

    My cousin Danny had a Ford Capri and a family, so he wanted a bigger car. He proposed a swap. Neither car was perfect but I drove awy in the Capri singing and laughing.

    A week later he swore at me, he went to do a bit of welding to the4 Granada and couldn't get a spark. The whole underside of the car was made up of roofing felt painted with heavy duty paint. :cool:

    Whereas I had my hands on a Ford Capri with a new engine in it. I say new, perhaps not from this car originally would be better. Anyway this thing would almost fly away from the lights. I once left a porsche for dead in one of those traffic light grand prix thingies. It didn't have a great top speed but the acceleration could make you gurn. I have had people screaming in it, me included :o

    I took it for a run one day and it overheated, water was pouring from the radiator. Luckily I was not too far from my parent's house so limped in there. I have heard that if you have a leaking radiator you can put an egg in it to stop the leak. 24 of my mum's eggs later it was still leaking, only now it smelled of egg and there were tell tale white dribbles coming from the hose connection. The brazing had failed. Late at night there was no way I could get a new radiator so step two. I pinched my dad's araldite. It said on the packet that heat ould cure araldite quicker. So step three. I took the radiator out (It was now after midnight) araldited the broken part and proceeded to try to apply heat. I had the corner of the radiator jammed in my mum's oven with me on a kitchen chair and my boot against the radiator to hold it in. About three hours later, half asleep and full of cramp I put the radiator back in, filled it with water..... and watched as it poured out from my repair. I stayed the night at my parents and bought a new radiator the following day. (and some eggs for my mum.

    Another time I was travelling to a job in Staffordshire, on the motorway. I put my foot down, and the driver's seat reclined. I was hurtling down the outside lane of the motorway laying on my back and unable to see where I was going. I can strongly recommend that this is a good cure for constipation, but not advisable for heart conditions. I survived, barely.

    One day I was at my parent's house and was just leaving to go home. I moaned about a funny vibration the car had had for a week or so. I couldn't trace it. So on this day there was a big football match and along the road at the top of my parent's street the fans walked to the game, and the police horses trotted to the ground. I found a space in the traffic, pulled into it, and .... the car stopped dead. The engine was revving and there was an almighty series of rapid bangs from somewhere, like a lunatic on a crank handle.

    The was a banging on the window of the car too. A policeman on a motorbike was leaning down and punching my car. "Shift it" "I am trying" He took a look and actually laughed. "Your prop shaft has fallen off" He then organised football fans and local yoofs to push/ carry the car with me in it into a side street and rode off still laughing. One of the yoofs said "That car is sh*te, I am not nicking that."

    I once left the house to go somewhere and saw a puff of smoke from the bonnet. "Oh bugga" I stopped at the traffic lights which suddenly went to green, so I swung round the corner and pulled into a building site to see what was happening. Opened the bonnet and found that somehow a piece of rag had been thrown up against the manifold, It was smoldering away. I pulled it out, the air caught it and suddenly it burst into a huge ball of flame. I ran around shrieking with an oily rag stuck to my hand on fire. Honestly this thing had flames three feet long coming off it. I got it off and then the security guards came running and waving sticks. I jumped in the car and drove away like a madman.

    The Capri's last day was almost a sad one. I lived at the time on the expressway to Manchester, and one morning I hopped in set off to work and once on the main road put my foot down. All four wheels came off. Some git had stolen my wheel nuts. The car was a write off. So I swapped it for a colour telly.

    I miss that car death trap.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,624 ✭✭✭Alice1


    Oh Rube, I am in stitches here! That is the funniest story / stories and so well written. The Darlink is asking me what is making me laugh.


    BTW, you had me from the start. I have such fond memories of a Ford Capri.....


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7,108 ✭✭✭Jellybaby1


    I read Rube’s story with great hilarious delight, chuckled away until the end, then ran to himself who was in another room busy with, stuff, etc., etc., as is usual. “Come ‘ere quick, you have to read this” sez I. Well girls, you know that look, well, we all know that look. He was casting his eyes up to heaven, and in his mind he was saying:

    “for the love of……”
    “oh, what does she want now?”
    “but, I’m busy
    “I’m concentrating on this, and now I’ll lose my thread”
    “ah for heaven’s sake”

    I persist.

    So I gets him to the compytuter and he starts to read. Slowly at first, but soon, the edges of his mouth start to move in an upward direction. At last……“hee hee”, then “ha ha”, then a chuckle, and eventually he gave birth to a great bin grin. Soon he was reading all the previous stories with great glee. Then we had a picnic of sandwiches, cake, biscuits, and lashings of ginger beer. A la Enid Blyton (my words)

    Rubes, for the love of heaven, get dem stories into a book. You have such a talent for writing. Check out the folk on the Publishing thread here, and do something about it, man. http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055947072


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,624 ✭✭✭Alice1


    +1 to Jellybaby.

    I believe the reason the eggs didn't work was, you don't use the whole egg - just the egg white. You'll know for again...


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,551 ✭✭✭Rubecula


    I hope tp heaven I am never in that situation again Alice :pac:


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,551 ✭✭✭Rubecula


    Up until a few months back when I took a couple of day break in Dublin, I have never actually had a holiday in my life. No I am not looking for sympathy :) I have been lucky enough to go to many nice places, but it has usually been in the line of work.

    Anyway a few years back, my sister phoned me to tell me my father was planning a little holiday for himself, and his idea was that as he is getting on a bit he would like one of us to be with him, and would I do the honours? It would be a break for me too. So of course I said yes. So it was left to me to sort something out. I eventually came up with the idea of a little break on the canals on one of those narrow boat thingies. A slow pace and dad would love it, (and frankly so would I) My dad loved the idea. So I phoned my sister back and told her. "That's wonderful, I will sort it for you both" Hmmmm Do any of you have a sister that knows what's best for you?

    About an hour later she phoned me back. "I have booked you both into a hotel" WHAT???? :eek: "We wanted a boat holiday on the canal"

    " Ah yes" she replied, " But you wouldn't enjoy that so I got you into a hotel in North Wales."

    "I live in North Wales"

    "Yes but this is not in your village you silly man."

    Resigned to the fact that I wouldn't win the argument I accepted this as fact. Always safer than arguing with my sister. "Where is it then?"

    "Treaddur Bay"

    " What? That is the next village along, I can walk there in 20 mins, I go through there virtually on a daily basis. What the heck are you playing at?"

    "Oh, I didn't know. I will phone you back."

    "The boating idea is best I think"

    She said she would sort it out and phone back. And she did, about an hour later. "OK it is booked you have a room each in a hotel." :mad:

    "Llandudno"

    Well I go there a lot as I have an aunt and a few cousins living there. But I wasn't going to win, so I accepted it, it would be a nice break anyway. Nice hotel break would be fine.

    The big day came and I beetled off to Llandudno. My sister was dropping my dad off at the hotel.

    I got there first and hung around waiting, and soon after they turned up and we all met up and had hugs and stuff, so we went to book in.

    "I am sorry sir but we are over booked I am afraid you will have to share a room."

    Share a room with my dad who snores like a pig in a heatwave? OMG no.

    "It has a king sized bed so you will be comfortable."

    Share a room with a snoring Dad AND share the bed? NO NO NO :mad:

    Eventually after some serious arguing they found us another room with twin beds. It was better but it was not going well at this point. In the end I had to accept this. Sister and her husband tootled off leaving me with my dad, so we went to the room, (I had to shuffle him up in the lift of course and he started to moan right away. "This carpet is too thick I will trip on it, these lights are a bit bright .... " etc etc. I was going to have a wonderful time.

    The first night we went downstairs to the bar for a beer or two. It had been years snce I had had a beer with my dad. It was going to be A beer too not a few, not at hotel prices. He accused me of keeping the change. GRRRR. Still there was a live act on, something like the Tiller Girls. Legs kicking act. I think it was meant to be for the older folks so as it was my dad's break really I didn't mind.

    A very pretty lady came over to our table and asked if she could join us as there was nowhere else to sit. And of course I said yes. She invited her mother over and we made up a foursome. It was very pleasant, unti my dad said he needed to go to bed. So reluctantly I said goodnight to the pretty lady and took my dad up to the room. We get there and he said to me (no word of a lie) "See how I look after you son? That lady was after you there for only one thing." "Jayzus Dad I bloody know. and I thought it was going well too." I rushed back to the bar but unfortunately the lady and her mother had left. :mad:

    Sad old me went to bed, dad as usual was already snoring loud enough to rattle the windows, and I slept hardly a wink all night. The following morning we got up for breakfast and then went back to the room with a newspaper for my dad to read. I lay on the bed and tried to catch up on the missing sleep.

    Most of you know I work on an airfield? Well I was just dozing off when:
    WHOOSH, ROAR.

    One of our aircraft was doing a flying display over the beach in front of the hotel. Please please let me sleep. But no one of the planes I fixed for the airshow was actually doing the airshow outside my hotel window. Finally he went away. a deep sigh and a hat over my eyes and I tried to get that much needed sleep.

    WHOP WHOP WHOP

    Now What? The flying display was not over. A rescue helicopter was showing off what it could do. Right outside (and I really do mean RIGHT outside) the window. I looked out and the aircrew actually waved and gave me a big smile. I did say a rude word at this point. My dad was fascinated and watched it all. Sometime later that went away and I lay back on my bed with a headache.

    BOOM BOOM BOOM

    A Marching band and a parade.

    By the end of the day I was a jibbering wreck.

    Day two I went for a wander to the beach to see if there was an easy path for my dad to follow (he hates walking on sand at the best of times) I found a little path that went over some rocks not too arduous and with me to help he would be fine. I will just make sure it is not too difficult to walk on for him.

    ARGH! The tide had not long gone out, I stood on some wet seaweed and over I went. In me best holiday clobber, headfirst into a massive rockpool. I came up with seaweed and living things all over me, soaked to the skin.... and about 200 people looking down from the pier at me, every one of them laughing like crazy. :o

    Day Three dad wanted a news paper so I went out to the shop, it gave me a break from him, god bless him, and a bit of fresh air. I bought some rock for the kiddywinkies a newspaper and was about to set off back to the hotel when a few people started running past me in the opposite direction. I was a little bemused but just carried on. Until of course I found out why they were running in the opposite direction.. I walked straight into a swarm of wasps or bees or something. (I was not hanging around to examine them that closely, besides they were interested in my sticks of rock. I have not moved so fast in years. Paper over my head and I gave it some leather down the street.

    I got back to the hotel hardly stung at all, thankfully. Went to the room and dad said "I wanted the Daily Mirror not the Daily Post." I wanted to throttle him with it.

    Finally, the relaxing break came to an end and I took him home and hugged him, thanking him for a great time. I swiftle made my escape and returned to work for the break.

    AND that is one reason I have NEVER had a holiday. They are just too stressful.


  • Registered Users Posts: 9,459 ✭✭✭Chucken


    Rube, you're brilliant :D:D:D


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7,108 ✭✭✭Jellybaby1


    In another life I had a dream of becoming an author (fat chance!) but for stories like yours Rube, and I believe they are true, you need a great memory as well, and in that I must admit I fail dismally. I can remember being in places with people, and the odd thing someone may have said, but I would lack enough detail to pull it off. Your detail Rube is quite extraordinary. Have you ever done stand-up in working mens clubs? :)


  • Registered Users Posts: 9,459 ✭✭✭Chucken


    Jellybaby1 wrote: »
    Have you ever done stand-up in working mens clubs? :)

    I'd hazard a guess he's fallin down in 1 or 2 ;)


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  • Registered Users Posts: 8,551 ✭✭✭Rubecula


    No no no. Jellybaby Never been on stage (well that's not true I have been on stage . but only when I was forced to sing the theme tune to Friends. I have hated that show ever since)

    I can't tell jokes to save my life. I can never remember them LOL

    Chucken you know me too well :pac:


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7,108 ✭✭✭Jellybaby1


    Wanna hear a funny story about me? No? well I'll tell you anyway. Himself and I went to the theatre last night, and had a surprisingly good time, it was a bit different but very funny. Anyway, when we got home I popped the kettle on as normal and made tea, collapsed onto the couch, flicked on the telly, and put my feet up. Then I noticed I was wearing odd socks! :o


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,551 ✭✭✭Rubecula


    I bet you have another pair exactly the same in a drawer too :D


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7,108 ✭✭✭Jellybaby1


    Y'know, I actually have! :D


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,551 ✭✭✭Rubecula


    I am very distressed now as I can't remember a story about me and a pair of socks....... well apart from the one about me looking after my ex's dog for a couple of days.

    Max (the dog) was very playful, and on the first morning I was getting dressed, and as I was putting my socks on, he burst into the bedroom, yapping away and proceeded to grab my sock as I was putting it on my foot.

    He ran downstairs, and out of the back door (I had opened it for him a little while earlier to go outside and ... do his business) I chased after him down the garden, over the gravel with bare feet, through the brambles and back up the garden. He went through the gate along the side path to the house and off into the street. I couldn't let him run riot on the street so had to keep up the chase.

    Kept after him until he gave up and came back .... well until I was too knackered to chase him anymore. When he got back he dropped the sock in front of me, all soggy with dew and doggy spit. And a huge hole in it.

    Neighbour was watching all this, and very soon everyone knew about it. A bit embarrassing to go in the local shop and have people giggle. I loved the dog but I never looked after him again sadly.


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,953 ✭✭✭aujopimur


    Jellybaby1 wrote: »
    Wanna hear a funny story about me? No? well I'll tell you anyway. Himself and I went to the theatre last night, and had a surprisingly good time, it was a bit different but very funny. Anyway, when we got home I popped the kettle on as normal and made tea, collapsed onto the couch, flicked on the telly, and put my feet up. Then I noticed I was wearing odd socks! :o
    I was sitting my solicitors office one day,when I lookd down I was wearing one muddy workboot and one shiney shoe.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7,108 ✭✭✭Jellybaby1


    aujopimur wrote: »
    I was sitting my solicitors office one day,when I lookd down I was wearing one muddy workboot and one shiney shoe.

    Mmmm, impressive! :D


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7,108 ✭✭✭Jellybaby1


    Rubecula wrote: »
    I bet you have another pair exactly the same in a drawer too :D
    Jellybaby1 wrote: »
    Y'know, I actually have! :D

    Himself said, "But they're for different feet!". I can't think whose feet he thinks they're for! :confused:


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,952 ✭✭✭funnights74


    You are the Frank Spencer of motorized vehicles. Great stories though.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7,108 ✭✭✭Jellybaby1


    Hang around funnights74, you never know what might pop up. Or better still, join in with yer own funny stories. I like 'em funny, but not blue. :o


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