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02-02-2012, 21:53   #16
Rubecula
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Some years ago when I still lived in Liverpool, I obtained tickets for a motorcycle show held in Manchester. The sort of show where the manufactureres tried to get people interested in their products. Quite big and a bit posh on the day I went.

It was held close to the railway station (G-Mex Centre??? Not sure now)

Great show really enjoyed it and I stayed there all day trying out bikes for size.

Anyway I had gone by train as it was easier to get there that way, so obviously I traveled home by train too.

I got to the station just as my train was leaving. The next one was not for another hour, so I settled down to wait. After a while I realised I was getting a bit peckish and went to find something to eat. They were selling sandwiches at a small kiosk, and I bought one. Ends were curling up a bit, but food is food.

I returned to the bench with my prize in hand ready to munch away. I unwrapped it and it didn't seem too bad. Opened my mouth to pop it in and take a bite, when I heard this odd noise.

Sounded like screaming and howling, and it was coming from somewhere up above. Mouth still open I leaned back and looked up. This was my big mistake.

Up on the girders were two pigeons, indulging in what we can delicately describe as reproduction actions. They were making a hell of a noise as they got 'down to business'

Then one of these fat arsed little rats with wings opened it's bowels and let fly.

As I said I was below all this. A stream of hot pigeon poo came down in a steaming stream to land on my face. All over my glasses, dripping off my face and (yeuk) filling my open mouth.

GAAAAHHHHHHH!

Trying to swear and keep my mouth open to let it come out was very difficult. I ran to the toilets calling them all the dirty b*stards going. Over the sink I threw my glasses in the stream of water to get them clean and tried to wash my mouth out. I think I drank and swilled about a gallon of hot water. Totally ignoring the fact there was a notice saying "Not Suitable as drinking water."

Not sure how long I was there for coughing, spluttering and saying rude words about pigeons.

Finally, I left the toilets, wretching and feeling quite frankly, bloody sick. Got to the platform, in time to see the train pulling out of the station, and two fat pigeons destroying my sandwich.

Some guy walked past and said. "Did you know you got pigeon **** on you?"

ARRRRRGH!
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03-02-2012, 00:07   #17
Teagwee
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You should write a book, Rubecula.
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03-02-2012, 00:30   #18
Jellybaby1
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:DDitto!
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03-02-2012, 01:56   #19
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oh dear I cant wait for the next story. Please dont stop. Hilarious
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03-02-2012, 14:30   #20
Rubecula
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I have always liked motorbikes from as early as I can remember. One of my 'uncles' used to race professionally in the 1940's and 50's. Anyway for my 50th birthday I tried to get all kinds of things sorted for the "big one" and all plans fell apart. Eventually I decided to go for broke and bought myself a bike (for the first time in decades) I bought a Yamaha XVS 1100 A for those in the know. (I bought myself a big bike for those not in the know)

Test drive:
Start, stall, go red with embarrassment.
Start, stall, go even redder.
Start, fistful of throttle, scream in terro at the approaching brick wall, get it round by the skin of me teeth, nearly fill me pants.

Buy the bike.

I had the ideal place to park it at home. The built on bit at the side where it would be under cover and well protected. Wrong!

The place was too small to get the bike in. Unfortunate mistake but it could happen to anyone, so take it back onto the road, well no room to turn around. Had to pull it backwards up the slope. Gawd I wish it had been a moped by this time. I could not budge it. I strained and strained but simply could not move it up the slope. Maybe, (I thought) it would be easier from the other side. Very carefully I got myself around the other side and began to pull again. It moved! But not quite the way I had planned. It first rolled forward about an inch, then fell on top of me.

My fall was cushioned by my rose bush, The massive thorns tearing through my trousers (and me arse). Gawd it is amazing the strength you have with two inch long thorns in yer bum. I lifted the bloody bike off me. Almost carryied it to the road, and stood there full of anger, with me backside on full view to the neighbourhood and my trousers hanging from my rose bush.

Not long afterwards, I went for a ride on the bike, and just up the road by abouty 50 yards in the entrance to a resident's carpark. I was only doing about 10 mph or so as I approached it. A car driven by a wild feckless 'yoof' came flying out of the car park straight at me. I fell off.

Not a big deal, no harm to the bike, no harm to me. Apart from the fact it is a big bike, and my boot was trapped underneath it with my foot still inside and the exhaust burning my leg. Neighbours (bless them) came running over, young lad was crying thinking that as I wasn't moving I was dead. (I wasn't moving cos I couldn't)

The neighbours lifted the bike up slipped my boot off and I got free. Thanked everyone, and sat on the curb to put my boot on. I then leaned back on the grass thinking that it had been a bit close for comfort.

Just then "Nee Naa Nee Naa" An ambulance arrived. Some kind person had phoned in the accident.

"I am ok just a little fall is all."

"No it isn't don't move. You may have a broken neck."

"No seriously I am fine just fell off."

"LIE STILL! AND DON'T TALK!!"

"But...."

Next thing I was tied down to a stretcher and being hoiked into the back of an ambulance. I was being kidnapped by body snatchers incorporated. Then they started jabbing me with needles.

Police arrived and took statements (the car driver was given a hard time apparently)

The followed the ambulance to the hospital, with me still in it. As you know I live on the island of Anglesey, the hospital is on the mainland.

Whizzed into A&E and placed on a trolley in an almost upright position, still strapped into the stretcher with a neck brace on. The observation light was on and shone right in my face like some kind of gestapo interrogation.

Four hours later and practically blind by the light, the nurse came in and said:
"Right, I am going to cut your leathers off, it won't hurt."

I said:
"**** OFF, let me out of this madhouse. There is nothing wrong with me."

"The doctor will decide that. where does it hurt?"

"My wallet, these leathers cost a bleedin mint. And get that light out of my face fer gawdsd sake. Please... Please?"

The police then returned breathalised me and said "You are in the clear."

The doctor came, laughed and said "You are in the clear, you can go."

I was let out, still in me leathers (phew) but on the mainland, no money, no phone and no bike. It took me all night to get home, and when I did my mate said he had moved my bike at the police request and put it on the garden.

Nose down against the built in bit next to the bloody rose bush.
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03-02-2012, 16:58   #21
Jellybaby1
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Rubecula, are you still allowed out on your own?

Y'know, I think you are a writer and your pen name is Rubecula. Tell the truth, now!
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03-02-2012, 17:15   #22
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They are such funny stories, I was nearly expecting to read that the bike was stolen when you got back. Brilliant, keep them coming!!!
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03-02-2012, 18:58   #23
Rubecula
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Originally Posted by Jellybaby1 View Post
Rubecula, are you still allowed out on your own?

Y'know, I think you are a writer and your pen name is Rubecula. Tell the truth, now!
I sometimes wish I could write, maybe make enough to get out of the job I am in now.

(But if I did that I would have no stories to tell would I? LOL)
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03-02-2012, 19:37   #24
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Whaaat!!! You've got a JOB!! Flippin' lucky sod!!
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03-02-2012, 21:20   #25
Teagwee
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Great stories! BTW, you ARE a writer and have a great talent for incorporating humour. I can see the book now: The Life and Times of Rubecula. It might have to be classified as fiction though ...
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04-02-2012, 12:10   #26
Rubecula
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Thanks for the compliment Teagwee, very kind of you.

Must dredge my memory for a few more episodes in my rather mundane and uneventful life.
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04-02-2012, 12:29   #27
aujopimur
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rubecula View Post
I have always liked motorbikes from as early as I can remember. One of my 'uncles' used to race professionally in the 1940's and 50's. Anyway for my 50th birthday I tried to get all kinds of things sorted for the "big one" and all plans fell apart. Eventually I decided to go for broke and bought myself a bike (for the first time in decades) I bought a Yamaha XVS 1100 A for those in the know. (I bought myself a big bike for those not in the know)

Test drive:
Start, stall, go red with embarrassment.
Start, stall, go even redder.
Start, fistful of throttle, scream in terro at the approaching brick wall, get it round by the skin of me teeth, nearly fill me pants.

Buy the bike.

I had the ideal place to park it at home. The built on bit at the side where it would be under cover and well protected. Wrong!

The place was too small to get the bike in. Unfortunate mistake but it could happen to anyone, so take it back onto the road, well no room to turn around. Had to pull it backwards up the slope. Gawd I wish it had been a moped by this time. I could not budge it. I strained and strained but simply could not move it up the slope. Maybe, (I thought) it would be easier from the other side. Very carefully I got myself around the other side and began to pull again. It moved! But not quite the way I had planned. It first rolled forward about an inch, then fell on top of me.

My fall was cushioned by my rose bush, The massive thorns tearing through my trousers (and me arse). Gawd it is amazing the strength you have with two inch long thorns in yer bum. I lifted the bloody bike off me. Almost carryied it to the road, and stood there full of anger, with me backside on full view to the neighbourhood and my trousers hanging from my rose bush.

Not long afterwards, I went for a ride on the bike, and just up the road by abouty 50 yards in the entrance to a resident's carpark. I was only doing about 10 mph or so as I approached it. A car driven by a wild feckless 'yoof' came flying out of the car park straight at me. I fell off.

Not a big deal, no harm to the bike, no harm to me. Apart from the fact it is a big bike, and my boot was trapped underneath it with my foot still inside and the exhaust burning my leg. Neighbours (bless them) came running over, young lad was crying thinking that as I wasn't moving I was dead. (I wasn't moving cos I couldn't)

The neighbours lifted the bike up slipped my boot off and I got free. Thanked everyone, and sat on the curb to put my boot on. I then leaned back on the grass thinking that it had been a bit close for comfort.

Just then "Nee Naa Nee Naa" An ambulance arrived. Some kind person had phoned in the accident.

"I am ok just a little fall is all."

"No it isn't don't move. You may have a broken neck."

"No seriously I am fine just fell off."

"LIE STILL! AND DON'T TALK!!"

"But...."

Next thing I was tied down to a stretcher and being hoiked into the back of an ambulance. I was being kidnapped by body snatchers incorporated. Then they started jabbing me with needles.

Police arrived and took statements (the car driver was given a hard time apparently)

The followed the ambulance to the hospital, with me still in it. As you know I live on the island of Anglesey, the hospital is on the mainland.

Whizzed into A&E and placed on a trolley in an almost upright position, still strapped into the stretcher with a neck brace on. The observation light was on and shone right in my face like some kind of gestapo interrogation.

Four hours later and practically blind by the light, the nurse came in and said:
"Right, I am going to cut your leathers off, it won't hurt."

I said:
"**** OFF, let me out of this madhouse. There is nothing wrong with me."

"The doctor will decide that. where does it hurt?"

"My wallet, these leathers cost a bleedin mint. And get that light out of my face fer gawdsd sake. Please... Please?"

The police then returned breathalised me and said "You are in the clear."

The doctor came, laughed and said "You are in the clear, you can go."

I was let out, still in me leathers (phew) but on the mainland, no money, no phone and no bike. It took me all night to get home, and when I did my mate said he had moved my bike at the police request and put it on the garden.

Nose down against the built in bit next to the bloody rose bush.

I had the same idea about 10yrs. ago so I borrowed a bike, after about 20 mins. and some of your experiences, I discovered tha I had lost my biking nerve and retreated to the reletive safety of 4 wheels.
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04-02-2012, 17:06   #28
 
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Keep em coming Rube....
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04-02-2012, 17:13   #29
JuliusCaesar
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Originally Posted by Rubecula View Post
Must dredge my memory for a few more episodes in my rather mundane and uneventful life.




Keep 'em coming!
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04-02-2012, 17:30   #30
 
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You Sir, have a gift.....well, lets think of it as a gift!!
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