Coping with Loneliness/Emptyness

VegetaIRL8e · 07-07-2019 9:55pm #1

Hi guys, long time poster, but with some of my previous posts prefer to keep these ones anon.

I'm a father of an amazing beautiful baby,toddler at this stage, girl. Due to me not wanting to be with the mother it's meant that my time with my daughter has been limited, not only as she lives quite a bit away from me but also as the mom hasnt made it easy, I'd to bring her to court. That aside, my query and maybe more so word vomit is around dealing with the aspect of being apart from my daughter.

As court has given me a staged increase in time which will again increase shortly I've been able and allowed grow and develop a relationship and bond with my daughter, while I am ecstatic about that it brings its pains. Bringing her back after only a few hours, returning home to an empty house with her toys thrown around leaves me feeling not only lonely, but as if a part of me is missing. Coupled with anxiety and the person I was dating leaving due to other people's interference has made this all feel a bit worse.

I've spoken to friends, family and a therapist and I do try to keep active especially the day after being with my daughter, but while the physical loneliness may subside that feeling of something missing never goes away and I dont think it ever will and that scares me. I dont know how to deal with it. I catch myself looking at pics/vids of my daughter or wanting to reach out to the girl I'd been dating which just sounds unhealthy(I dont think that relationship should have eneded btw). I like having certainty in my life and this unknown feeling is very uncomfortable.

I dont expect answers or fixes in replies, I suppose just someone maybe to tell me it gets better, easier. Are these things that cant be forced or fixed and just have to leave it to life to sort out? Anyway, thanks for reading.

Ursus Horribilis · 07-07-2019 11:18pm

You poor thing. I can't even begin to understand how hard it must be for a parent not to be able to spend more time with their child. Would moving closer to where your daughter lives be an option?

In general, are you somebody who struggles to cope with uncertainty? That seems to be at the heart of your troubles, along with your loneliness. What did your therapist have to say about it? Do you think they helped or might you consider trying someone new? What's your social life like? If you were to start dating someone new, do you think your troubles and problems with access to your daughter might cause problems?

ILoveYourVibes · 07-07-2019 11:33pm

I don't have advice.

Just really sorry op.

VegetaIRL8e · 08-07-2019 3:03am

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

In general, are you somebody who struggles to cope with uncertainty?

Thank you for the replies.
That is something that I try to work on, but the anxiety and desire to know, unable to cope with a fluid situation is tough, always want to have something sorted and move on to next thing so fully agree with you that is prob my main issus.

I'm not sure I want to try to date again right now, but it might be an idea. I just feel as if there is something unfinished with the girl who recently broke up with.

Graces7 · 08-07-2019 6:38am

Take it day by day? A wise lady in a terrible situation avowed " This too shall pass." Enjoy the contact you have with your lovely child and try not to look ahead?

Redser87 · 08-07-2019 8:46am

OP I'm really sorry you're going through this. Would it help to give yourself something to look forward to in the evening once you've dropped your daughter back? A hobby, meeting friends? It wouldn't solve the bigger problem but might take the sting out of returning to an empty house. As another poster said, I really can't advise much but I really sympathise with your situation.

VegetaIRL8e · 08-07-2019 2:44pm

Hi guys,
Thanks for all the replies and support, I do appreciate them. Its tough when you want so much more and feel like you are missing out on this lil person growing, but for me as I said its the feeling of something missing that does not sit well with me.
I'll just have to get used to it I think, take it day by day. Its something thats probably Im going to have to live with.

Ursus Horribilis · 08-07-2019 3:01pm

I think that's the best you can have, I'm afraid. Take things day by day. If the court is granting you more time with your child, then that could lead to more favourable custody arrangements down the line. Is there any particular reason why your ex took such drastic steps to stop you seeing your child? Or why people interfered with your subsequent relationship which ended?

VegetaIRL8e · 08-07-2019 3:27pm

Mother of child; She didn't take it very well when we broke up and I think she thought I would come back once baby was born, but as soon as I made it clear that I wasn't her attitude and behavior changed towards me,my family and just shut access down till I brought her to court. Im not without blame and did make one choice that most would consider selfish, which she hasn't forgiven me for.

Other relationship: I had been starting to date when the chance to be with someone (subsequent relationship) came up. I ended the dating to start this relationship and that didn't go down well and led to said person interfering with the relationship. Granted, its messy, but there was no sinister actions on my behalf, I just wanted to take the chance to be happy with someone I knew we clicked.

shesty · 08-07-2019 4:04pm

I can't imagine having my kids a few hours here and there and having to return them (I'm a mother).I would feel like I was missing limbs.

I don't have much advice OP other than to sympathise.Hopefully time with her will increase and you will be able to find a balance that makes you feel a bit better.

CiDeRmAn · 18-07-2019 12:24am

I've a colleague who was through something similar, in terms of losing access to his infant daughter.
Perspective and the promise of a better future will get you through.
Things are going to be hard but a focus on what you have and how it will surely improve could be the thing to focus on.
No simple fixes but it may soothe the ache in your heart right now.

VegetaIRL8e · 18-07-2019 11:44am

I can tell you it's tough especially when the lil person is sick, you want to be there or take them and look after them, but it's best you sacrifice your time for their comfort.

Thanks guys, the replies have been helpful at least even to know that I'm doing the right thing for now.

VegetaIRL8e · 06-11-2019 11:45pm

Hey guys
I thought I'd update you

So I have more time with my lil lady and the relationship has gotten really amazing, I'll thankfully at last be doing overnights/wkends soon and I cant bloody wait.
The evenings I come back from dropping her home, I've already done a lil clean up which she tries to help with

I spend an hr with a friend and grab food and by the time that's done its time for bed. Start my next day being active.

Some of the advice here of living in the now but knowing that in the future itll be better has been a great help. So thanks.

stop animal cruelty · 07-11-2019 12:07am

Great positive update, I'm happy for u.

Chelle_C · 07-11-2019 10:41am

Ah that's so lovely to read.
I didn't see this when you originally posted months ago, so just read it for the first time and my heart was breaking for you.

I'm currently pregnant and the father (who I was involved with for over 5 years) doesn't want to know, leaving me feeling very vulnerable and lonely.

How I really wish all Fathers were like you OP!

Bets of luck to you and your little lady, she sounds like an incredibly lucky and very loved little girl x

vixdname · 09-11-2019 12:48pm

TBH Op, from your opening post, its obvious to see that youre a loving Dad who simply adores his little girl.

I've a little boy and girl, 4.5 and 6 years old respectively and theyre my absolute world, both of them.

I can understand completely how youd feel empty when you bring your daughter back to her mothers, all I have to do is watch my 2 kids playing and interacting and my heart just bursts with love for them both, and Im sure its the same for you and your little woman.

Therefore its easy to understand how youd feel empty when after having that object of your love in front of you for the day, then to have he gone again, that youd miss her terribly.

I reckon the timing of these visits and the ending of your other relationship have both compounded each other to make you feel that much more singular in this big world of our, it just ****e timing.

Breaking up in a relationship on its own can leave you feeling lonely, doing that along with having to leave your little girl go back to her mothers only adds to this feeling.

Look, in time, by the sounds of it, you will have more time with the little girl, thats something to look forward to, when she gets older and realises she has a great time with you, she'll be able to tell her mother she wants to spend more time with you, this will likely happen.

Also in time, you will meet someone else and have a relationship with them and that too will help you along the way.

You'll see, the one thing thats common here is the word "Time"........give it all time, you may not like where you are in time right now..but in time.....everything changes, as will your current situation, just use your head and your heart properly to get what you want in the future, dont be too hard on yourself either, the way your missing your baby is absolutely normal for a parent.

Best of look OP and look forward to the future, it'll be what you make of it !!!

13-11-2019 5:05pm

I like having certainty in my life and this unknown feeling is very uncomfortable.

You need to change your attitude here. There is no certainty in life. There is a lyric from a song from the 90s called "Everybody's free to wear sunscreen" that encapsulates this well, and in my life experience as a nearly 50 year old, is absolutely true ...

Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
Bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
Never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4 PM on some idle Tuesday

https://genius.com/Baz-luhrmann-everybodys-free-to-wear-sunscreen-lyrics

corks finest · 13-11-2019 5:14pm

As a single father,went through the same ****e as you are now,time and perseverance ,look long term,get a decent solicitor- keep raising the bar regards access,you will get more,when the kid is old enough mammy will not be able to keep her from you, but FFS DON'T lose the head, keep your social media normal ( no pics of u on the lash etc)
The pain of loss even for a a few weeks is real ,but it is what it is,get through it,keep cool,and maybe get in touch with a single father's group,or counseling-put the kid first- always,you'll get out the other end in a short few years

corks finest · 13-11-2019 5:16pm

Graces7 wrote:

Take it day by day? A wise lady in a terrible situation avowed " This too shall pass." Enjoy the contact you have with your lovely child and try not to look ahead?

Correct,having my kid 5 days out of 7 now( was only a day one time) time is precious- use it wisely,and when he/ she is old enough,a phone on facetime a few times a week giescwcling way to quell loneliness

Coping with Loneliness/Emptyness

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