Inappropriate Boss

LegacyUser · 10-07-2019 10:33am #1

Hi everyone,

I work in the public sector and have been on a low grade slogging away. I have a qualification in IT but never used it and I ended up in admin which I am good at but don't love. A promotional opportunity came up with a heavy emphasis placed on IT and I decided to apply. I felt as though I was going through the motions of applying and that it is something I "should" want.

Fast forward past a series of grueling interviews and I was told I was successful. I am getting around a 40k increase in salary and I will have more autonomy. However, I am having some serious doubts about my new line manager. He knows I have been out of the field for some time now but I feel that he might not be available to mentor me as he is incredibly busy himself. I am going to have to learn as I am going and I am dreading being "caught out" by other staff members as my qualification is probably 10 years old and I have little IT experience. This is really my first major concern.

The worst part is that my new line manager was oddly inappropriate with me. We were at a head office town hall meeting and afterward he approached me to talk about the new role and what he could do to help me transition. During the meeting he begins talking about his personal life. He goes on to talk about how he has been lonely recently and has been considering a separation. It was all wildly inappropriate and I thought that there was more to this story and that he was looking for answers from me. Very odd.

I feel sorry for him, really, and after some digging around I was told he is incredibly well-respected, tactful, and professional but this was an odd thing to happen.

Just wondering what others thing about this strange situation!

antix80 · 10-07-2019 11:23am

In the whole #metoo era, it's easy to forget that people are only human.
(assuming you're female) Maybe he saw you as an agony aunt-type figure he could open up to.

Maybe he saw you put yourself out there and went from a dumpy admin job to a decent I.T. one and is having something of a mid-life crisis himself.

Or maybe he has notions.

Either way, scribble down the date, time and nature of the convo, pop it in a drawer and forget about it. Try not to find yourself alone in this way again, and if you do don't get drawn into the conversations. There are tactful ways to end uncomfortable conversations without getting drawn into gossip.

Peatys · 10-07-2019 11:26am

Think it's time to turn off the brain for a while. You're anxious about the new job and it sounds like you're latching onto anything to worry about.

Concentrate on the fact that your new manager was thoughtful enough to talk to you about how he could help you transition into your new role.

Neames · 10-07-2019 12:29pm

First of all congratulations on the promotion. That's a serious hike in wages.

You were competent enough to pass the interview and I think you'll grow into the role. Give yourself some time and make some allowances for people. It's only natural to feel that you might get caught out. If you are caught out....big deal....tell them you're out of IT awhile and you're going to catch up.

On your boss' behaviour, he shared some personal stuff.about a separation. He may have been putting you in the picture so that if he was out or off you'd know the background.

TheBoyConor · 10-07-2019 12:36pm

Maybe as he is separating he was tyring to gauge your reaction to it with the intent of seeing if he could have a shot at trying you for something.

Wildly inappropriate. Personal life should never be brought up in work and certianly not a senior male bringing it up with a more junior younger female. It has creepy and rapey vibes all over it. I'd take note of it and maybe discuss with someone in HR confidentially. I wonder are there any prior complaints on file?

eviltwin · 10-07-2019 12:59pm

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Maybe as he is separating he was tyring to gauge your reaction to it with the intent of seeing if he could have a shot at trying you for something.

Wildly inappropriate. Personal life should never be brought up in work and certianly not a senior male bringing it up with a more junior younger female. It has creepy and rapey vibes all over it. I'd take note of it and maybe discuss with someone in HR confidentially. I wonder are there any prior complaints on file?

It's definitely not appropriate talk from a superior you don't know well but "rapey"? Come on!

As a one off I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. Some offices are very open about personal stuff and it could be that he's just one of those people. If something more happens then address it but try not to worry about it too much.

Focus on the work for now and don't doubt yourself. You'll do a great job.

Xterminator · 10-07-2019 1:14pm

I'd take note of it and maybe discuss with someone in HR confidentially. I

wow. thats one way to sabotage yourself at a new company before your made permanent.

OP you can be careful to set boundaries, with new line manager. The reports you have are that he is a decent person, not a raging pervert, so with just a little care you need not overly worry about that side of things.

blackbox · 10-07-2019 1:22pm

TheBoyConor wrote: »

I'd take note of it and maybe discuss with someone in HR confidentially. I wonder are there any prior complaints on file?

There are no confidential discussions with HR.
It's way too early to even consider this.

Congrats and good luck. You'll pick it all up in no time.

Pawwed Rig · 10-07-2019 1:26pm

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Wildly inappropriate. Personal life should never be brought up in work and certianly not a senior male bringing it up with a more junior younger female. It has creepy and rapey vibes all over it. I'd take note of it and maybe discuss with someone in HR confidentially. I wonder are there any prior complaints on file?

Slight over reaction and even mentioning rape is outrageous. People talk about personal stuff all the time in workplaces. They would be very tedious days if all you could talk about was work.

kg703 · 10-07-2019 1:28pm

Some people are just sharers and if you don’t want to know about his personal life, change the topic. Some very over dramatic people on this yeesh (and I am female and working in a very male dominant industry). The guy opened up to you, he didn’t ask you out? If it made you uncomfortable just gently mention it next time.

Do some online study to catch up on your IT.

Best of luck in the new job, there is a learning curve for every job just give it your best

Professor Moriarty · 10-07-2019 1:54pm

What stands out for me is the extraordinary jump of 40k in your salary. That is extremely unusual in the public service. I hope you're not mistaken in that calculation. Anyway, your boss sounds like a nice person.

wiggle16 · 10-07-2019 1:58pm

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Maybe as he is separating he was tyring to gauge your reaction to it with the intent of seeing if he could have a shot at trying you for something.

Wildly inappropriate. Personal life should never be brought up in work and certianly not a senior male bringing it up with a more junior younger female. It has creepy and rapey vibes all over it. I'd take note of it and maybe discuss with someone in HR confidentially. I wonder are there any prior complaints on file?

The OP never mentioned their gender. Even if this was a superior scoping out a new colleague, male or female, I don't think this is "rapey" but it is very inappropriate no matter what way you look at it.

OP to me this sounds like someone who is in the middle of some sort of breakdown. Just a hunch, it's just not the kind of thing you confide in with people you just met.

I wouldn't approach HR at this point. You need to remember that HR are there to protect the company (or department in public sector), not you or this manager. Write down what happened and put it somewhere safe at home. In the meantime, avoid him as much as possible. If he starts another inappropriate conversation just say you've no experience with matters like this, you don't think it's appropriate to discuss at work and you don't know him from Adam and encourage him to talk to the confidential staff support that most places have these days.

If the behaviour does become seedy (and this is also possibly what he was getting at) then go to HR.

For the moment just avoid and ignore. It sounds to me like something is building up with him and he's not thinking straight, and might be going through some sort of breakdown.

LegacyUser · 10-07-2019 2:23pm

OP if you have any decency and not the sort of person to gossip, you should not have done the 'digging' to find out what he is really like.
To me, it looks like he was in a very very dark place and perhaps overshared . But we are all human, there is nothing creepy about it. He thought you were going to be his new colleague and he was going to be working alongside you. And yes he overshared.

So after being told by others he is decent and respectable and this is completely out of character, are you still not convinced? And want complete strangers to tell you he is creepy?
Sounds like you are feeling you are not able for this promotion and are not well suited and now looking for excuses to drop the offer. ie it's not me who can't do it, it's the creepy inappropriate boss.

MartyMcFly84 · 10-07-2019 2:29pm

In any sector a 40k pay rise in one move is incredible. I have personally never seen such an increase in one go and even really competent people or senior people getting a raise like that over several years.

Congratulations, on the incredible promotion. At the same time makes me question what is going on in the public sector?

2 things really. You obviously passed the interview process and did get a qualification even if it was 10 years ago. However Given the level of pay rise its probably safe to say you will be expected to stand on your own two feet sooner rather than later. I would start by asking your new boss what he has mind for the role in the next 6 and 12 months. Then get your learning skates and try and get up to speed as much as possible, speak to team mates etc.

It could even mean doing some courses outside of work as a refresh. But given the pay level rise it will likely be worth it.

LegacyUser · 10-07-2019 2:34pm

Sorry, I will reply to everyone later or tomorrow when I have a chance but that was a typo. It is a 10k jump!! If only it was 40k!!

Neyite · 10-07-2019 2:38pm

I think you are reading too much into it.

In my current job, the interviewer queried something on my CV, which lead to me explaining about a personal issue. Which struck a chord then with the interviewer who said that they had experienced a similar personal issue recently too. I think we both briefly misted up before realising where we were and getting back to business at hand. And there was nothing other than a professional working relationship since.

By all means, be observant. But you'd be mad to turn down a 10k increase in salary and doing skilled work for something that is essentially a non-issue. Are you sure you aren't looking for ways to subconsciously allow yourself to turn down the role?

LegacyUser · 10-07-2019 2:47pm

Sorry, again as I said I will try and sift through the comments above more thoroughly later.

Just on the point that I am looking to find reasons to reject the offer, yes I think that makes sense. I haven't worked in the sector for a numer of years and I think it's confidence at play. I would say I was just looking for reasons to turn it down. I have already been replaced regardless ( I am training the new person before), so I think it's just an internal panic!

ILoveYourVibes · 10-07-2019 3:06pm

Work_Scenario wrote: »

Just wondering what others thing about this strange situation!

I honestly don't think it was inappropriate. Most of my bosses/co-workers have spoken about their marriages or divorces.

I was working as a receptionist in a place where my boss was in the middle of a divorce he spoke all about it. He also told me about his cancer treatment etc.

People speak about their kids etc.

It could be a good sign that he sees people as human.

Addle · 10-07-2019 3:15pm

Are you looking for an excuse in case you’re not up to your job?

Public service interviews are grueling and competitive. You worked hard to show you would be able for the job. Now you have to prove yourself.
If you require training, request it.

petros1980 · 10-07-2019 3:36pm

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Maybe as he is separating he was tyring to gauge your reaction to it with the intent of seeing if he could have a shot at trying you for something.

Wildly inappropriate. Personal life should never be brought up in work and certianly not a senior male bringing it up with a more junior younger female. It has creepy and rapey vibes all over it. I'd take note of it and maybe discuss with someone in HR confidentially. I wonder are there any prior complaints on file?

Ah here, away off with that, twat. It's over the top ****e like this that feeds the anti-metoo type wanker brigade.

ILoveYourVibes · 10-07-2019 3:48pm

Work_Scenario wrote: »

I have already been replaced regardless ( I am training the new person before), so I think it's just an internal panic!

You'll be grand. Good luck and congrats!

Mrs OBumble · 10-07-2019 3:53pm

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Wildly inappropriate. Personal life should never be brought up in work and certianly not a senior male bringing it up with a more junior younger female. It has creepy and rapey vibes all over it.

Do the world a favour and find out what rape really means.

bertsmom · 10-07-2019 3:56pm

Don't worry op you will be grand. You passed the interview for a reason.
People at work can and do overshare sometimes. I have zero interest in my colleagues lives outside oc work and im not willing to share ANY of my personal life at work so for instance at the moment a new lad is all for the personal chats and has told me (I work beside him) how his grandfather is dying and how much he earned in past jobs, what he does at the weekends etc I just smile and nod and say oh thats nice or something generic as regards the dying relative I just said let me know if your tired and need an extra help at the minute but I keep a distance and I can see already he is copping on that I dont go in for personal chats at work (with someone I only know a wet week!)
Good luck.

woodchuck · 10-07-2019 4:10pm

Mod note:

petros1980 and Mrs OBumble: Your most recent posts here are well below the standard expected here in PI. Please only post here again if you have constructive advice to offer the OP.

skallywag · 10-07-2019 5:11pm

Some people definitely share more than others and tend to openly wear their heart on their sleeve. My own boss went on to share some very personal information with me during our first chat at work when he started and I remember thinking at the time that this is a bit strange and not something I would do myself, but at the same time it showed a lot about who he was and his open and very honest style in dealing with things.

I think the OP is well wide of the mark here by describing these actions as 'wildly inappropriate' but I guess it is just a sad reflection of the times that we are now living in that someone 'over sharing' is going to be thought of this way.

Neyite · 10-07-2019 5:17pm

Work_Scenario wrote: »

Sorry, again as I said I will try and sift through the comments above more thoroughly later.

Just on the point that I am looking to find reasons to reject the offer, yes I think that makes sense. I haven't worked in the sector for a numer of years and I think it's confidence at play. I would say I was just looking for reasons to turn it down. I have already been replaced regardless ( I am training the new person before), so I think it's just an internal panic!

Just remember, they interviewed you and liked what you had to say in your answers so they can see your competence even if you are doubting yourself. They know from that interview how long out of that field you are and what kind of support you might need to get up to speed. And they chose you as their preferred candidate because they believe you can do this.

qwerty13 · 11-07-2019 12:02am

I think you met a 2+2 situation and got 10,000.

Why did you think this way? Explain to me if I’m off beam. I just think that you massively (like really massively) over-reacted, and that you have now reacted v oddly to your new boss. And compounded that by querying his integrity with others.

I’m not asking you for answers as such. I just think it’s worth examining why you reacted how you did - which I feel was completely OTT

You seem to be saying in recent posts that it’s because you were nervous about your new role. That is simply not good enough- to consider someone as ‘wildly inappropriate’, because you are nervous.

LegacyUser · 11-07-2019 9:40am

Thanks, everyone.

Yes, I think it's just me over-reacting to the situation and looking for a way out. I really like my current job and am very comfortable here. I am probably just trying to find red flags when there are none.

Some of the comments, particularly the last one from qwerty13, I think are a bit OTT. I think it's completely normal to read company reviews online before starting a new job, or by asking friends who have worked in an area or with someone what the culture/person is like. That is, in my opinion, completely normal and something I have always done and will always do.

I think the issue is more or less put to bed. I think it seems as though I was over-reacting looking for red flags due to my own lack of self confidence in the role. Simple, really! And yes, I did think that a new boss opening up to that degree (maybe I didn't detail it enough in an effort to keep it anonymous but I have enough emotional intelligence to realise it was a bit too much for the context) is a tad inappropriate but it doesn't matter in the end! I will go in and do my best.

Keyzer · 11-07-2019 9:55am

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Maybe as he is separating he was tyring to gauge your reaction to it with the intent of seeing if he could have a shot at trying you for something.

Wildly inappropriate. Personal life should never be brought up in work and certianly not a senior male bringing it up with a more junior younger female. It has creepy and rapey vibes all over it. I'd take note of it and maybe discuss with someone in HR confidentially. I wonder are there any prior complaints on file?

Ridiculous comment.

Wildy inappropriate would be if he told the OP how big his lad is - some people just share too much information.

Emme · 11-07-2019 12:11pm

OP well done on going through the interview process and getting the job and €10K salary increase. Almost unheard of in the public sector where capable people languish for years overworked and underappreciated.

The cynic in me first thought that you don't get nothing for nothing in the public service - a €10K salary increase is very significant and there are cases in public sector jobs where an attractive woman gets a big promotion and has to be willing to be (ahem) flexible in her new role. Usually that's understood before she applies for the job. I know of a case where one girl's randy supervisor left and she was demoted a few grades.

Eitherways it doesn't matter. You have the job now so all you have to do is be competent at it. Ignore the comments from your boss and make sure your union membership is up to date. He might just have been making conversation. So do your new job and if you feel you need extra training to get up to speed ask for it.

TBH I think it's strange getting a promotion in the public sector without being able to "hit the ground running" so to speak but public sector offices differ and you must be in a nice one.

AulWan · 11-07-2019 12:29pm

Work_Scenario wrote: »

During the meeting he begins talking about his personal life. He goes on to talk about how he has been lonely recently and has been considering a separation. It was all wildly inappropriate and I thought that there was more to this story and that he was looking for answers from me. Very odd.

His telling you he has been "feeling lonely recently" is the bit that would make me feel uneasy. Maybe it was a genuine overshare on his part, but it comes across as weird, and needy, and it is most definitely inappropriate in a senior / junior dynamic between you, and I agree with you that there is something very odd about it.

I hope is turns out to be a once-off, for your sake. Its not part of your role to listen to your manager's personal problems - nor should it be expected of you.

If it happens again, make some non-commital noises, and make an excuse to remove yourself elsewhere. If he has any cop on, he should realise you are not keen on his style of "over-sharing" in the workplace.

wiggle16 · 11-07-2019 12:37pm

Thread locked at OP's request.

Thanks & grma all who posted.

Pawwed Rig · 11-07-2019 12:37pm

Maybe he is weird or needy. That does not make him a bad person.

Inappropriate Boss

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